Christmas Advice

[hdeneise]

I know this isn't exactly cat related, but I need to rant and ya'll always listen and give great advice.

I just got married in June. My hubby has a four year old from a previous marriage, and before I came along, hubby's mom, Deborah was serving the role as a primary caregiver for our son Beanie (it's just cuter than Stephen). She lives just 10 minutes from us so she picks Bean up from school and keeps him if Hubby & I are both at work, etc. I appreciate what she does, but she won't back off and be the grandmother and let me be the mom.

Now comes Christmas..We pick up Beanie from his biological mom's at 10 a.m. Even though they open presents Christmas Eve (they do NOTHING on Christmas morning), she won't let us pick him up until 10. Which I think its selfish of her not to ever let him wake up to Santa and presents just to be a witch to hubby, that's not the point.

We want a normal Christmas, me, hubby & Beanie at [B]OUR[B/] house, and I don't think that's too much to ask. Deborah (Mother in Law) insists that we open presents at her house and that we go over to her mother's house (hubby's grandmother) for lunch. Above all that we have to be at my parent's house (an hour and a half away) for supper.

There is no way that we can pick up Bean at 10, open presents at our house, go to hubby's mom's to open presents and make it to Granny's by 11:30 and keep our sanity.

I've already told my family that we're only making one stop in Monroeville on Christmas and whoever wants to see us better come see us. My family understands that.

If Deborah would have lunch at her house for all of her kids and thier spouses (Beanie is the only grandchild so far), everbody would be free to go to their spouses family's for supper. BUT NO. Chirstmas morning at her house, luch at her moms. She just doesn't understand that she is not the central mother figure anymore. Her kids are all grown and married. When hubby's brother and sister have kids of their own, surely she won't expect them to give up family Christmas at thier homes. She even insinuated (SP?) that we shouldn't go see my parents because they didn't need to see Beanie, she was his "real" grandparent.:mad:

How can I make her understand that we WILL have a family Christmas at our house, we WILL see my parent's for supper and we WILL NOT run our a$$es off to see every member of her family. If you want to see us on Christmas Day BE FLEXIBLE. I'll go anywhere for lunch, whatever, but I'm not stopping everwhere. She gets her feelings hurt really easily and holds a grudge forever, so I want to keep things plesant, but I don't know how.

HHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Pic of hubby at 2 year old Beanie......
http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid149/p095493fdc8cfe991437c86a5456f4d24/f5f5389a.jpg

Oh, and Kelly's still in the Basement. A week now. Figured she'd come up when she got hungry. Didn't. Felt bad Tuesday and gave her a can. It got eaten.

[Laura's Babies]

The way you handle this year will be the trend setter for years to come.

Plan YOUR day the way YOU want it and if they can work things into YOUR plans fine.. If not... to bad! Doing all of that is to much to do in ONE day and you will be to tired to enjoy most of it. That poor child will be wore out and I would worry too, that being so tired coming home at the end of the day could be dangerous.

You have to look out for YOUR new family FIRST! (What happens in a few years when you have a few more kids?)

When my daughter got married and started her family, she let us all know in no uncertain terms that she was doing her Christmas in her OWN home with HER family and we worked with her starting with that and here we are 20 years later and it has worked for his and ours all these years with NOT ONE problem!

[hdeneise]

Originally posted by Laura's Babies
[B]The way you handle this year will be the trend setter for years to come.

That's exactly what everone at work is telling me, and I know its the truth.

I want her to see Beanie on Christmas, but I'm not willing to sacrifice our family time to do it. I just don't know how to get that across to her without me being the evil one. I can hear it now---"Heather just doesn't like us, she's keeping Beanie away from us, he's ours too...." And there's the faulty thinking--he's not a community shared kid, his mine and Stephen's. How do I make her get that without being the bad guy?? :confused:

Thanks for listening...:

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Laura is right! It might be difficult to make this clear to your mother-in-law, but it is better to be firm! Next year will be much easier then

Good luck!!

[Laura's Babies]

Isn't YOUR door open to a Christmas visit from her? I would tell her we are eating at X o'clock and she is welcome to join in anytime.. Come by for desert if her schedule don't allow more time or just drop in for a drink/coffee and say "hello"...

I was also politely tell her it is Beanie that I am doing this for. Christmas should be enjoyable for him, not dragging the poor child all over away from his new toys and wearing him out so bad that he is cranky as a old bear all day! As a GRANDMOTHER, she should understand that and want what is best for him!

[catmandu]

That is sad,when people,go out of thier way,to be stubborn,and we do hope,that what ever happens,Beanie,has as Meeeoowy Pet Mas,as he is one handsome Dude,and The Found Cats MMMMMEEEEEEOOOW For HIM.

[hdeneise]

Thanks for all of your advice. I stuck to my guns and won! Acutually hubby served as mediator and came up with a solution--

Pick up Beanie at 10....
Christmas morning at OUR HOUSE!!!...
To my parents (an hour and 1/2 away) for late lunch....
His parents for supper...

It only worked when Stephen brought up that if we ate supper with them that we wouldn't have to rush off anywhere, we could stay and have plently of time so play. YEA HUBBY!!! Even though its not much time with my family, we have to go back up to Monroeville the next weekend for Mom's birthday--She's a New Years Baby.

...And--- Stephen left the basement door unlocked last night, and when he got up for his 5:00 safety meeting before work this morning, tripped over the vacuum cleaner and pushed the basement door shut before Kelly could run back down. She scampered out from under the couch while I was looking for my shoes this morning....YEA HUBBY (AGAIN)!!!

[catnapper]

Your hubby sounds like a great mediator! I am glad everything worked out ofr the better and everyone will get someting they wanted on Christmas morning. It does seem a bit odd that she won't have gifts Christmas morning, but thats neither here nor there - everyone has their own Christmas traditions. :)

I was in a similar situation a few years ago when I married a man with three kids and his mom was the primary mother to the kids too. She had her foot in every conversatins, every decision. UGH! I couldn't get anything done without her ok. When the oldest girl started acting up, she cooed to her "its ok, I know you are just trying to express yourself" By stealing $20 bills out of my purse? I don't think so! Thats turning into a Klepto! But I digress again! :o Its not easy being a step mom, and I warn you that the first year is the doozie. Laura is right that this is the year that you'll set all patterns by how you do things. Putting your foot down now and asserting yourself will save your sanity lter on.

Remember that hubby is definately pulled between you and his mom. He's goping to want to placate both of you, which will be VERY frustrating when you're angry as all get-go and he is supporting his mom. It'll happen, so pick your battles ;)

[hdeneise]

OMG Catnapper, you know exactly how I feel - its so comforting to know someone else has had to deal with the good-intentioned, but bad-application mother-in-law. Isn't it hard to be a normal family when she thinks she's in charge?? And talk about picking battles, I don't know where to start!! Eventually she must understand that its not okay for him to sleep with her and grampa with the TV and the lights on all night when he spends the night, and its not okay to have 3 ice cream sandwiches before supper (even if they are sugar free), and its not okay to appease him when he refuses to eat food unless it arrives via airplane method (he's almost 5), that he does know the words please, thank you, ma'am and sir, its not okay to interrupt adult converstation by screaming, etc. etc. When she lets him do it, its okay all the time. And I'm a bad, mean mother for saying no.

He's really a sweet, kind hearted, good boy. But Maw Maw is ruining him.

But those battles are for after Christmas.

Thanks all for your support and advice.

[Tonya]

I am glad that you found a solution. I just wanted to chime in and say that I have the same problem. Every holiday, I go to a minimum of three houses and am on the road for at least 5 hours. We have always just made this gigantic loop on the map, visiting everyone. Well, I am starting to get resentful about it. I have promised myself that this year is the LAST time I am doing it. If they want to see me, they can come here. (Which is a catch 22, I don't want them here either! lol )