The Nightmares are back, its not fair

[kingrattus]

This is a very very touchy subject for me. As most of you know, Max was murdered last xmas.

I have been having nightmares since the day I found his body & burried him. I thought the nightmares were gone several weeks ago, but they have returned tonigh.

My nightmare is mostly the same image over & over & over.

Max being in a black trash bag, ripping it open to find his frozen deformed face. He looked like he was in so much pain & there was nothing I could do but pet & hug his cold hard frozen body. I then set him in his grave and cover him in our blanket & cover him in dirt to nerver ever see him again. I then carve his name into the tree & screw it up by carving a letter backwards, I feel like I ruined the last night I got to see him & I feel so angry & sorry, this is when I usually wake up crying, sweating & just wanting to hug him again.

I feel like he is haunting me because I wasn't there & couldn't stop my mom from killing him. I feel like I should have know better, I should have never trusted that stupid pet chip. I HATE the pet chip, I hate the vet for not checking whos dog he really belonged to & I hate my mom for paying them to burry him in a mass grave.

I feel guilty for not visiting Max' grave but I can never get out of the car as soon as I see his tree, I feel like its my fault he's there & I start to feel sick & want to go home. I have been to the field 3 times since Dec 16th 2003.

All I want is my baby back so we can so swimming again, So I can hear his bark, get kissed, hug him hard around the neck, grab his big lips & tell him just how much I love him, I told him every day, but I should have told him more.

I feel terrible & alone right now, I don't know anybody who has gone through this living hell.

I talk about Max all day long & feel just fine, I love talking about him & others love hearing about him. But when I go to sleep I relive everything all over again.

Rob has no idea this is happening, he thinks it ended months & months ago, but I lied to him.

He doesn't share the same feelings as most people do. He doesn't understand feelings 100%. He was never loved as a child & never gave love to anything cause his parents (mostly his mom) would destroy it in some way. Both of his parents have tried to get me to hate Rob & leave him, because he's usless, he was a problem child & other bull. I tell them that I love him & thats that (I usually walk away & ignor them if they continue to talk). Rob was getting upset when I was crying all the time, he didn't know how to get me to stop & didn't know what to do. So I can't tell him whats going on, there is no point, he wont understand (I do not blame him for this at all).

All I want r dreamless nights again & the only thing that kept them away is, dead.

http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album04/IMG_0297.jpg

http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album12/Sept_21_2003_011.sized.jpg

http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album12/Sept_21_2003_014.sized.jpg

The next pics are 5 days before my mom killed him & the last time I saw him alive, I wish I took more pictures that day.

How could somebody kill this??
http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album17/dec_7_2003_004.sized.jpg

Why did she say she loved him? Look shes possing with him & after she gave him a big kiss.
http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album17/dec_7_2003_008.sized.jpg

& how could anyone kill him just before xmas & his 10th b-day. I still have his xmas gift hanging on my door
http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album17/dec_7_2003_012.thumb.jpg

http://jess.iahu.ca/max/albums/album17/dec_7_2003_013.thumb.jpg

I'm sorry for bothering everyone, I'm just all messed up again. Death is all around me & Rob's parents seem to enjoy telling me that Cadeau should be dead any day (which is bull), I don't know if Peter has passed away yet & my best friend at work is in the hospital again because her lung collapsed again, Thats why I worked last week, I wanted her to get better and come back to work.

I'm not expecting any replies, I just needed to post so I can try to get back to sleep, I'm just so tired.

[Aspen and Misty]

OMG ::hugs::

I am so sorry ::hugs:: I know what it's like to loose a dog, it tares you and your soal apart. I know the guilt you feel like you should have done more, like your not a good mom. ::hugs:: I am so sorry, I'm crying right now to. ::hugs:: I see those pictures of that happy pup and I don't understand ::hugs::

But it's not your fault! You couldn't have known ::hugs:: He knows that you loved him, he really does. I'm sure he is up there wishing just like you are that you could sleep. He lives a happy, long life till the age of 9 with you. he was a VERY lucky dog ot have you as his mom ::hugs::

Ash :(

[binka_nugget]

I don't know what to say.. :( You and Max didn't deserve to go through that. But please understand that it's not your fault. Remember the 9 years of wonderful memories. Just by those photos, you could really see how close you two were. He looks like was an amazing dog.

[carole]

Your'e story breaks my heart, i feel so bad for you, and wish there was something I could say that would make it all go away, what happened was Tragic, and so wrong, when I see those pics I just want to bawl my eyes out, I agree how could anyone do such a thing.

Sweetie I am sure Max forgives you for not being there, you were not to know his fate, try to forgive yourself, and maybe the nightmares will slowly disappear, I just want to give you a big virtual HUG right now, and tell you everything will be allright.

It is good you came here to tell us all how you are feeling, we are your friends and want to offer any support we possibly can.

I feel your sadness and your pain, remember it was not your fault, I know that does not help much, but try forgiving yourself.:)

[dukedogsmom]

I am so sorry to hear this. I remember when this happened and I was so shocked that your own mother could do something like that. I know Max knows you loved him. You showed him every day. I can only imagine how you feel right now. I know how hard it is to let go of what your mother did. It's been 10 years and it's still hard for me to forgive myself for what that idiot I married did to Duke. I'm trying to let go of it. Not forgive him at all but just make peace with it. The only thing holding on to does is hurt yourself. Part of letting go would be to visit his grave and look at the tree. You've got to deal with it or you're never going to be able to move forward. I'm not saying it will be easy at all. Rob's "parents" sound just horrible. I can't imagine not being able to love animals and such. I can't believe people can be so cruel. You've got me sniffling at work. Those pics are so cute. I've gotten a lot better at making sigs if you want me to make a memorial of some type for you.

[Karen]

Sleep peacefully, Jess.

Max, from your spot at the Rainbow Bridge, please watch over Jess and shower her with love and good things to let her know you'll always love her.

All day
All night
Angels watching over you, my love
All day,
All night
Angels watching over you.

[sabies]

Jess just keep reminding yourself that what happened to Max was not your fault and Max knows how much you loved and still love him. What happened was so awful and you cared so much that of course it will take a long time to get over. You'll never forget what happened but you can move on. Keep concentrating on positive thoughts and stay away from negative thoughts (and people especially in your case!). Are you living with Rob's parents? I hope not - the next time they say something mean or depressing bring the visit to an end. There's always good and bad going on. When you visit your friend in the hospital I'm sure hearing about the good will cheer her up more.

[anna_66]

Jess I'm so sorry to hear that you are still having nightmares about Max:(

Please know that he loved/loves you and I'm sure he knows that what happened to him is not your fault. I think you need to quit putting the blame on you and forgive yourself.


Know that we will be here whenever you need to talk.

Anna

[primabella]

:( :( :(

Jess I can't imagine what you are going through right now. My guess on the nightmares is that it is your own guilt causing them.. Max would never want to haunt or hurt you, I'm sure of that. You both shared such a close bond and now you are blaming yourself for not being there for him, for not saying 'i love you' enough, for not taking more pictures. It is not your fault and I think until you can accept that, the nightmares may still be coming. Try and sleep easy and know that Max is in a better place and watching over you. Judging by the photos, I can see his love and affection for you.. don't let these nightmares ruin that.

I'm sorry if my little theory may have upsetted you in any way.. I was just giving my opinion on your nightmares. I'm sending some good thoughts your way.

You have a very special guardian angel watching over you. :)

[cloverfdx]

Oh Jess i am so sorry to hear the nightmares are haunting you again :(, take comfort in knowing Max loved you with all his heart and you loved him unconditionally. What happened was in no way your fault.

We are here whenever you need to talk. {{Hugs}}




I Remember
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

Author unknown

[Tonya]

Jess-

I am sorry to hear that you are having nightmares about Max. I remember your struggles with you family and everything that happened. PT was by your side the whole time because we all loved you and Max. We all know (and Max knows!) that you didn't have any control over what happened. That sweet guy has already forgotten about it. He's playing happily at Rainbow Bridge waiting for you.

[dappledoxie]

I'm so sorry! How awful

Hugs!