View Full Version : "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen..

01-23-2004, 01:53 PM
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

kittie luna
01-23-2004, 03:35 PM
Some of those saying are really funny. Thats just what I needed for a bad day. :D

01-23-2004, 03:54 PM
I love Steven Wright, he is great to watch.

You have to read those and imagine his monotone and almost depressed sounding vioce.:D

They didn't have the one where he said:
"I walked into a resturaunt that had a sign that said breakfast anytime. So I asked for pancakes in the 17th century."

Thanks, I really liked reading those.:)

01-23-2004, 08:23 PM
Phew I was relieved when I read your thread, I really thought all our stuff had been stolen, I was thinking OH NO not Cass, now don't you be giving an ole girl like me a fright like that again.

BTW those were interesting comments though weren't they, some I agree with too.!!!!:)

Its obvious I am not much up on authors etc.:o

01-23-2004, 08:31 PM
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

I really liked this one.

01-23-2004, 11:13 PM
My favorite Steve Wright line is, "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

Mom had taped one of his TV specials once and we loved that silly tape to death...

smokey the elder
01-24-2004, 08:50 AM
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

01-24-2004, 09:52 AM
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

This was also my favorite. Anybody know a pessimists I can borrow some money from, I really need to get my car fixed??;)

01-24-2004, 12:19 PM
Glad you guy's enjoyed this. I really get a kick out of this guy! :D