dukedogsmom
08-06-2003, 04:50 PM
My brother sent this in an email and I thought it was really funny. It's kind of lengthy but it is so true! Thought everyone would enjoy reading it.
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are
asleep.
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are
asleep.