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View Full Version : One of those !#$^@ situations again, please read the whole thing and HELP!!!!!



I Love Brian, Forever <3
07-16-2003, 01:19 PM
First of all, BR is my mom's ex, the person we are now living with.

What happened: I just came back from a 7 mile bike trip and the dogs were all up on me saying hello and stuff.

After a while of just sitting on here, browsing through the new posts, I glanced down at Molli and saw a tiny little black spot on her head, moving. In the meantime, the alarm clock in the living room went off. Anyway, I got down on the floor next to Molli, searching for what I thought to be a flea. All of a sudden I hear from BR, "Brandi, get in here and kill this clock!" Like he can just bark orders at me. Now, the way I typed it makes it sound a whole lot nicer than how he actually said it. So, in return I said, "Why can't you?" ...He's in the same room as the clock, less than 10 feet from it, meanwhile I'm 3 rooms away. BR said, "I'm on the phone." And I said, "I'm busy doing something." Oh, the whole time he's on the phone with I don't know who. So, Mr. Psychotic Shizophrenic, (BTW, I saw something on MSN's home page, 5 signs of schizophrenia, BR has 4 out of 5.) Anyway, he stands up, pulls the clock that my mom just bought brand new, last night, out of the outlet and throws it against the CEMENT wall. Needless to say, it's broken. Then he gets back on the phone and says, "See?! THIS is the kind of SH*T I'm talking about." Then he slams the phone down and takes a shower. Usually, when an incident like this happens, I'll call my mother and tell her... So, as soon as he was in the shower, I called her. Little did I know, SHE was the one on the phone at the time. She gets on the phone and says, "Thanks, you just caused a whole bunch of trouble just then... You can say 'bye-bye' to Missouri, cause we're leaving and YOU are most of the reason we're going back to Georgia." So I say, "Ok, take his side always, mom. Whenever him and I argue, I notice you are ALWAYS on his side, but all the other times it's you and I against him.... and I'm NOT going back to crappy Georgia." She says, "Yes, YOU ARE, you're only 16... and it's because of YOU we are leaving." So I say, "Yeah, it's ALWAYS my fault, right?! It never has anything to do between you and him, it's always me. I get that now, THANKS." She says, "No, I'm not saying that, but you ARE a big part of the reason why we're leaving." I said, "I'm NOT leaving to go back to Georgia." Then BR gets out of the shower and says, "I need to use the phone."

Do you think I'm the culprit of this little incident?

Or is it both of our faults?

What is your opinion on the story?

What should I do?

HELP?!

THANKS.

slleipnir
07-16-2003, 01:33 PM
Wow..I personally don't think he should have reacted that way..and to me, it definatly sounds like its NOT your fault. He -no offence- sounds like a jerk and should have handled that better as he IS the adult, not you. Throwing the clock was just childish..wish I could help you out somehow

apcrs5122
07-16-2003, 01:35 PM
I agree with slleipnir on this one. He should have handled it better, and I believe it wasn't your fault.

All Creatures Great And Small
07-16-2003, 02:05 PM
Well, I'll give the unpopular opinion, but I speak from the experience of having a 15.5 year old daughter myself. I smiled as I was reading this because I was interpreting what was between the lines and what hadn't been said.

First question - why is there an alarm clock set to go off in the living room? Did you set it, and were you supposed to shut it off and/or be reminded of something by it? Maybe that's why this person was angry that you didn't come in and shut it off while he was trying to talk on the phone. Maybe it's happened before.

I smiled at the "after a while of just sitting here, browsing through new posts", because that is my daughter's interpretation of several hours spent looking at Pet Talk and other things on the Internet. Also, you telling him "I'm busy doing something" is pretty funny, because you were sitting on your butt in front of the computer, picking a possible flea off a dog's head, not working on the cure for cancer in your labratory. In other words, it wouldn't have killed YOU to go turn off some stupid alarm clock going off in another room either, but it seems to be a symptom of your age group, that it's more fun to argue than to just cooperate. This type of situation happens several times a day in our house, and when my daughter tells me she's "busy", the only thing she's busy doing is being obstinate.

It's possible that this person you describe as BR is a complete jerk, or maybe you've finally gotten on his last nerve with your refusal to do even the simplest tasks when he asks you to. Like I said before, a lot has been left unsaid in your version of the story. I am a rational, intelligent, mature person too, but there have been times when I have wanted to chuck something across a room when driven temporarily insane by the behavior of teenagers, and I know some men might have a harder time keeping the testosterone in check in these situations. Be glad it was a clock that got broken.

What should you do? Any simple task an adult asks you to, even if you think it's "so totally unfair" and the adult in question is "such a (expletive deleted)". Then go pout in your room and write poetry about how awful adults are for making you get up and walk into another room and push a button on a clock. ;) (Gee, can anybody tell I'm getting weary of parenting a teen?)

Wait, I'll save you the time of having to reply to this post, so you can get back to flea-picking:

"All Creatures Great And Small, you are incredibly RUDE." There, I told MYSELF off for you.

luckies4me
07-16-2003, 02:07 PM
I think you should print out our replies and show them to your mom and tell her to stop acting like a moron and treat her daughter with respect. After all you are her daughter, her flesh and blood, he is just an ass that has a temper! :mad:

He should not have done that. How hard could it have been to go turn the clock off? Why did you have to, and why did he have to get so angry like that. I have been in a domestic abuse situation before and I am telling you now, your mom needs to leave this guy! She or he should treat you with respect! You did NOTHING wrong!:rolleyes:

Cookiebaker
07-16-2003, 02:11 PM
ACGAS, I really agree with you.

What was the big deal that you couldn't have shut the clock off yourself??? He wasn't asking you to move a mountain.

When you learn to respect an adult, they in turn learn to respect you. But how do you EVER expect that they will respect you if you never go out of your way to do what they want?? :rolleyes:

Airedalekisses
07-16-2003, 02:16 PM
Now I know why I never married or ever had children!! hey All Creatures don't be too hard on yourself-isn't having a child punishment enough? oops, sorry.

luckies4me
07-16-2003, 02:16 PM
Originally posted by Cookiebaker
ACGAS, I really agree with you.

What was the big deal that you couldn't have shut the clock off yourself??? He wasn't asking you to move a mountain.

When you learn to respect an adult, they in turn learn to respect you. But how do you EVER expect that they will respect you if you never go out of your way to do what they want?? :rolleyes:


And why was it so hard for him to shut it off if he was standing right there?

What is him acting violent going to teach the kid? And perhaps if he asked nicely she may have done it. I know when I am more happier towards my son he is more willing to do things for me, like pick up his toys etc.

When I was younger I would clean our house spotless all the time, and I never even got a "thank you" from my mother. Now, I tell her to get off her a$$ and do it herself because she obviously doesn't apprecite it when I do it anyway.

Dan does this to me all the time, he asks, no more like tells me to go fetch him something. He has two legs, and I am not his slave, he can do it himself.

I have learned that I am going to treat my children how I want them to treat me when I get older. Ask nicely, don't TELL, because then they won't want to do it anymore. Either way, he shouldn't have exploded like that and threw the clock at the wall. What happens the next time he gets pissed? What is he going to do, hit her mother, or worse hit the child?

I Love Brian, Forever <3
07-16-2003, 02:16 PM
All Creatures Great And Small, I did not in any way find your post rude. Although I don't have the time to respond it right now, I will later... I actually thought you put it very nicely. :) :D

Cookiebaker, regardless of who it is, if you don't give respect, you get none. That's how I was taught and that's what I do. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

CamCamPup33
07-16-2003, 02:43 PM
I agree with u ilovebrianforever.. He couldnt get up and turn it off himself? But umm im confused who is BR? lol sorry. You guys both were "busy". If everyone one well not everyone but if they can say what was the big deal about you getting up and doing it he wasnt busy either..

bluekat
07-16-2003, 03:29 PM
That "BR" sounds like a complete jerk to me. He didn't have to get so angry about a stupid alarm clock going off to do what he did. I agree that he should've asked you nicely, but he could've turned it off himself anyways.
and what your mom said to you.........? I don't get it, why do you have to go back to Georgia? and because of you? You're mom should try to listen to what you have to say before she takes sides.

tatsxxx11
07-16-2003, 03:37 PM
This fellow needs a few classes in anger management, to say the least!!! If this is his response to not heeding his request to shut off a clock, I shudder to think what his response might be to a more serious "infraction!" Forgive me, but be you right or wrong in not turning off the clock, NO adult should act out toward another living being using violence, especially a child. His actions are what is childish and immature and they certainly set a very poor example as to how children should act!!

Scream, yell, throw a tantrum, throw the clock at the wall one day, hit the " offender" the next. This type of violence "without a victim" is precisely the type that leads to physical abuse. Yes, you could have gotten up to shut off the clock. But please, this is an alarm clock going off, for heaven's sake! I believe in the time it took for him to yell for you to get in there and shut it off, he could have asked your Mom to hang on a sec' and shut it off himself!! Children, teenagers, need appropriate discipline and guidance even appropriate punnishment. But, I believe your Mom could have corrected you without casting you in the role of having caused problems between her and her boyfriend.

As for the "respect" issue. It is not the job of the child to set the example of respect for the adult! It is the job of the adult to show by example, the meaning of respect. Blaming you for "problems" she may have with her "boyfriend," infuriates me. You are her child. If she has discipline issues with you over this, she should address that specific issue with you and deal with it for what it is and not throw guilt upon you for rocking her love boat!! I have worked with many abused women and children in a clinical setting, and this is all too familiar a scenario. If I were you, ILWBF, I would take the lead, be the "adult" and set the example and apologize to him for not shutting off the clock. I'd be interested to learn if he in turn, apologizes to you for acting so inappropriately!

luckies4me
07-16-2003, 03:47 PM
That's exactly how I feel, however you worded it way better than I ever could. ;) :p

Logan
07-16-2003, 04:02 PM
Anything I would say at this point would need to be directed to your mother, not you. But I SO agree with what Sandra has said. I am a mother of a pre-teen girl, and I have been a "single mom" for most of her life. Should you have stopped and gone to turn off the alarm? Probably. But of course, he could have/should have too! I figure there is a lot more history here than we could possibly know about. I'm praying that you and your mother can heal your relationship, with or without the boyfriend.

Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. This is too much for one teenager to have to deal with. :(

Logan

wolfsoul
07-16-2003, 04:18 PM
I think buddy here needs some anger management pills. I've only heard of a million situations gone wrong when they start off like this.

One of my best friends had a situation like this. Her mom's boyfriend threw things, broke things, yelled, stuff like that. But now, it's more severe. He's grabbed my friend's hair and thrown her against the wall. He's punched her mom. My friend sleeps with knives under her pillow, and underneath everything in her room. He's on pills now, so that she has no reason to be distresses, but the pills don't seem to help.

You don't want to live like that. So I'll tell her what I told you. As soon, as you can, get out. Even though you're old enought to leave now, it's not the best decision. I'd wait until you're 18, then get the Hell out of there. Violence that starts like that, only gets worse as the years go by. You don't want to end up like a lot of my friends, who are depressed, on pills, are taking counselling, slitting their wrists, because of things like this.

I can already hear people saying "talk to your mother" but me being a teen myself, I know that's not an easy thing to do. But maybe you should tell her something of what you feel, not in anger, but in sadness.

NoahsMommy
07-16-2003, 05:22 PM
If a "man" can so easily rip something out of the wall, throw and destroy it because a teenager didn't jump at his whim, he needs to be OUT of the situation. This isn't the first time "I love Brian forever" has been here talking about her scary/stressful homelife.

I am astonished at these opinions that it was this girl's fault.

Yes, he may have issues, but GUESS WHAT???? He had the decision presented to him to shack up with this woman and her daughter. Any sane person knows how times can be trying with a teenager/child/other person, I don't care if he's never experienced it first hand or not. This idiot needs to realize that "I love Brian forever" is having a very hard life right now too. But...God forbid he freaking stop acting like an animal and start thinking.

What her mom is doing is even worse! I can't imagine how you feel with your mom choosing some loser over you. Oh wait, I CAN!!! My idiot dad did the same thing and its by FAR the worst pain ever. :mad: I distinctly remember my step-whore saying the SAME thing about me (on the phone to her friend) cause I slept till 9:00 on the weekends!! I was the most greatful, quiet child back then, she had nothing to stand on in her attacks on my brother and I. This situation with "ILBF" is HIS problem and she's turning into the victim.

"I love Brian forever", I wish I could come rescue you from your situation, I know I've said that before, but I really mean it. Your parents in no way deserve you.

I'm basically saying the same thing as Sandra...just with a whole lot of emotion.... thank you for putting it so nicely.

CamCamPup33
07-16-2003, 05:27 PM
Originally posted by NoahsMommy
If a "man" can so easily rip something out of the wall, throw and destroy it because a teenager didn't jump at his whim, he needs to be OUT of the situation. This isn't the first time "I love Brian forever" has been here talking about her scary/stressful homelife.

I am astonished at these opinions that it was this girl's fault.

Yes, he may have issues, but GUESS WHAT???? He had the decision presented to him to shack up with this woman and her daughter. Any sane person knows how times can be trying with a teenager/child/other person, I don't care if he's never experienced it first hand or not. This idiot needs to realize that "I love Brian forever" is having a very hard life right now too. But...God forbid he freaking stop acting like an animal and start thinking.

What her mom is doing is even worse! I can't imagine how you feel with your mom choosing some loser over you. Oh wait, I CAN!!! My idiot dad did the same thing and its by FAR the worst pain ever. :mad: I distinctly remember my step-whore saying the SAME thing about me (on the phone to her friend) cause I slept till 9:00 on the weekends!! I was the most greatful, quiet child back then, she had nothing to stand on in her attacks on my brother and I. This situation with "ILBF" is HIS problem and she's turning into the victim.

"I love Brian forever", I wish I could come rescue you from your situation, I know I've said that before, but I really mean it. Your parents in no way deserve you.

I'm basically saying the same thing as Sandra...just with a whole lot of emotion.... thank you for putting it so nicely.



i agree with you.. he shouldnt act like that at all towards her..

Pam
07-16-2003, 05:57 PM
Wow! I am so glad that Sandra, Logan and Noah's Mommy have responded here first. They have said EXACTLY what I would have said, had I seen this earlier, and so much better.

Your mom had better wake up to this guy's aggression. Today a clock - tomorrow what else? This is NOT the way mature people act. (((hugs)))

KYS
07-16-2003, 06:41 PM
At this point, I am not going to get into who should have
turned off the alarm.

But the way that BR responded, scared me.
He acted out in irrational anger.
I agree with the others, today a clock tomarrow a?????
Not a situation I would want to be in.

ChloeLove
07-16-2003, 07:21 PM
Originally posted by slleipnir
Wow..I personally don't think he should have reacted that way..and to me, it definatly sounds like its NOT your fault. He -no offence- sounds like a jerk and should have handled that better as he IS the adult, not you. Throwing the clock was just childish..wish I could help you out somehow

I agree with everything slleipnir has said... What a jerk he is. :rolleyes: :mad:

slleipnir
07-16-2003, 09:58 PM
ACGAS- I agree with you..but it still doesn't give him the right to break the clock and totally lose it. I know from my own experiance that I have have times where my dad will ask me to do something and I don't and I realize now it pisses him off but he's NEVER reacted that way. They is more mature ways to go about it. I do agree though, it wouldnt have hurt for her to turn it off, but he shouldn't have needed to ask when he was right there..

Twisterdog
07-17-2003, 01:13 AM
I personally think that not much can be said here by strangers on the internet that is going to be valid. We don't know this family, these people, and we are getting one side of the story. In this case, I bet there are four stories: the mom's, the daughter's, the boyfriend's ... and the truth, which is probably a little bit of all of them, somewhere in between. I think ILBF needs to talk to someone in real life, someone that knows her and knows the situation - a guidance counselor, someone from her church, a friend's parent, etc.

Having said that, the best I can offer here is that I feel this is probably a case of "Three Wrongs Don't Make a Right."

I place blame with the mother, for blaming a teenager for causing the breakup of a relationship. If something this small can break two people up, the relationship was is SERIOUS trouble to begin with. If this man is indeed violent, then I also blame the mother for exposing her daughter to that behavior. Remember my post a couple days ago about the man who locked his girlfriend's son in a tent, until he died of heat exhaustion? Women who put their children in harm's way for the sake of having a boyfriend are NOT good mothers, IMO.

I place blame with the boyfriend for losing his temper and acting like a immature bonehead.

I place blame with ILBF for not doing as she was told to do, by the adult that she resides with. I would have NEVER refused to do what my dad said when I was a kid. If he would have told me to turn off a clock, I would have gotten up and turned off the clock. Period. I was the child, he was the adult. I would not have dreamed of refusing, of talking back, or saying I was busy. I was raised not to do that. I fully understand what ACGAS is saying about teenagers today ... my son is only twelve, and already getting mouthy. It gets real old, real fast ... and sometimes a little thing - like not turning off a clock- turns into a big thing, because it's the 20,000th smart remark the adult has had to listen to today.

Kfamr
07-17-2003, 01:18 AM
I'm not sure what you should do..

Although, I think it is your mother's fault for bringing YOU and herself into a situation with this "man".

shais_mom
07-17-2003, 01:35 AM
I have to agree with a combination of things.
Yes, she should have simply done what she was told, but I have also been in that same situation, tho my mom is in no way schizo or anything, and we have a good relationship. We would be doing dishes and I would across the kitchen putting stuff away or in the next room and she would say, 'Turn off the disposal' All she had to do was turn and reach out her hand! She tried that one time a couple years ago, she told me to get her and my dad's coats out of the closet without looking at me, not realizing that I was sitting in the chair with a lump and ice bag on my leg b/c I had ran into the trailer hitch of my dad's van. My dad told her to get them herself and pay attention. Keep in mind I was probably 25 years old at the time!
But living with a person that can change at the drop of a hat I am sure is no picnic. I have no experience with this, but I feel you are in danger of being abused. First it is the clock, then it is you. And I am sure your mom will blame you also.
Your mom is too blame for putting you in an undesirable situation like this. Maybe moving to Georgia isn't so bad, to get away from him. It is unfair that your mom drag you across the country at the drop of a hat.
I am sorry you are having trouble like this. The only way I could think of is emancipating yourself, and I am not sure you are financially able to do that. :(
Keep your chin up.


You did Good ACGAS!

bnormal
07-17-2003, 08:35 AM
I believe that therapy is in order...and I don't mean for you!

:D :D :D

emily_the_spoiled
07-17-2003, 09:12 AM
Dear ILBR,

Over the years I have had the unfortunate experience of helping (too) many friends (and family) leave abusive relationships. From the sounds of it your mother's relationship definitely has the potential to go that route (if it isn't already). I have no advice for you about this particular incident. But my suggestion for you is to contact the local woman's shelter or domestic violence hotline. These places will be able to put you in contact with counselling services for YOU.

Therapy maybe in order for everyone else, but you can't force them to do anything. The only person you have any control over is yourself. You need to take care of yourself and part of that is to get help for YOU.

Good luck

bnormal
07-17-2003, 09:20 AM
emily_the_spoiled, good post!


:D :D :D

anna_66
07-17-2003, 09:42 AM
I don't want to "give you advice" but this doesn't sound like a good living situation for you to be in.
I totally agree with emily_the_spoiled.

lovemyshiba
07-17-2003, 11:33 AM
This certainly is a tough situation, and I totally agree with Twisterdog that you need to talk to someone in real life, someone who knows you and your family, or even not, just an actual human to human interaction.
It's so easy to come one here and vent about it, and it feels good--there's nothing wrong with it, we all would love to help. Unfortunately the best we can do is give advice, and it seems to me that you need more than that.

The man has serious problems. One day it's the clock, the next day it's your mother or you he's throwing against a wall. That's how the pattern of abuse forms. I've had the unfortunate experience of knowing too many people this has happened to (and 1 is 1 too many).

You and your mother need to get out of this situation. If she won't do that for you, than you need to get out yourself. Do you have any other family members you can stay with, or friends?? Do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation.

If you cannot get out of this awful situation, please just do what he asks--I know how much you don't want to, because he is such a jerk, but for your own sake, just do what he says next time.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Van10
07-18-2003, 12:46 PM
Originally posted by Twisterdog
I personally think that not much can be said here by strangers on the internet that is going to be valid. We don't know this family, these people, and we are getting one side of the story. In this case, I bet there are four stories: the mom's, the daughter's, the boyfriend's ... and the truth, which is probably a little bit of all of them, somewhere in between. I think ILBF needs to talk to someone in real life, someone that knows her and knows the situation - a guidance counselor, someone from her church, a friend's parent, etc.

Having said that, the best I can offer here is that I feel this is probably a case of "Three Wrongs Don't Make a Right."

I agree.