View Full Version : A question about marriage....

07-11-2003, 12:33 AM
My boyfriend is planning to propose to me sometime this summer. I've heard totally different things from different people about couples living together before they get married. We would like to get a place together, but we're torn on if we should wait until we're married or go for it when I'm out of college.

What do you think? What would be the pros/cons of living together before marrying someone? Thanks!

07-11-2003, 12:44 AM

I got married when I was 26 and my Dad said

No way in Hell are you living together first!!!

Soooooo,................... I don't know any different. I suppose you would get used to each other, but then again, it might become too comfortable and you end up getting irritated with all the little things ........... hmmmmmmmmm.

I can argue with myself like this for days ....... :rolleyes:

but I think YOU must do what YOU feel comfortable with. Perhaps start with weekends, and then see how living together progressses for you both.

07-11-2003, 01:11 AM
Well I really shouldn't be using them as an example but Lauren (blustang24) and my brother have been boyfriend and girlfriend for a few years now.

They were together (as boyfriend and girlfriend) for about a year and then they moved in together.

They got in alot of fights while living together.

I think living together before marrying would be best since you'd know if you're actually able to live with that person. It would stop from having to maybe get divorced in the long run.

07-11-2003, 01:14 AM
Planning and executing a wedding is one of the most stressful times, for good or worse, in a couple's life. Adding to that stress by living with each other doesn't seem like a smart thing to do! :) I've seen brides who get impossible to live with - even for themselves!

We did not live together before we were married, waited until I graduated from college, then got married that summer. Worked for us - here we are 16+ years later ... still together!

07-11-2003, 02:12 AM
August 1st is our 7 year anniv. We did not live together first.

07-11-2003, 07:26 AM
Brian and I just recently got married. We've been living together since we were 20 (that's 6 years). We jumped from apartment to apartment for the first year we lived together and then we bought our house when we were 21. We've been together for 7 years and engaged for 5 years.

We've never had any problems living together. You really get to know a person by living with them and we have enjoyed it. It's been so much better than living with the parents.

07-11-2003, 08:01 AM
I don't know if this would count or not:confused:

Mark & I only knew each other 4 months before we were married & we lived together for about 1 1/2 months.

We've been very happily married now for almost 17 years:D

Sara luvs her Tinky
07-11-2003, 08:47 AM
my opinion...

living with anyone... husband/roomate/boyfriend... is going to be hard. I know so many people who moved in with a friend and it really put a strain on the friendship.

I would say go ahead and get married first then move in together. I think it puts a little more excitement into the whole being a married couple anyway. There are always DOWNS and ups to moving in with someone and you shouldn't jeopordize the wedding by realizing too early that it is hard living with someone.

Me and my husband did not live together before we got married ,,, and it is probably a good thing....;) I love my husband VERY MUCH... but it was HARD living with him at first.:)

07-11-2003, 08:54 AM
Not sure that their is a etched in stone correct answer or not. I think it has too much to do with the particular couple.

The pros of living together are that you really see how the other person is and whether you truly love them. The cons of living together are that you really see how the other person is and whether you truly love them!

My wife and I lived together for about a year before we got married. We've been married now for 13 years. Did it hurt/help? No.

However, my stock answer would be, "no". Do not live together before getting married. I think that part of the "fun" of newlyweds would be the "discovery" process of really getting to know each other on a new level. Doesn't the honeymoon lose a bit of its' luster if you pretty much know each other so well?

Of course I could be wrong!

Anyway....Good Luck and Congratulations!

:D :D :D

07-11-2003, 10:02 AM
My boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together sometime in the near future, but we don't have any plans on getting married any time soon. I know I'm only 19, but we have our reasons. We've been together for 2 years. Starting in November I will be attending a University in a city called Federal Way which is over 50 miles away from Everett, the city I live in now. I have a decent paying job in Everett and would like to keep it. My boyfriend also might be attending the same school, but if not he will be going to a different one in Seattle - also a ways south of Everett. It would help both of us to live a little closer to the schools - probably somewhere around Seattle (that's about the mid point between Everett and Federal Way). We both could probably afford to live by ourselves, but BARELY. It would be much easier if we had two incomes. Plus, I don't really want to live all by myself. No one else I know is looking for a roomate right now... and I really don't want to become a roomie with someone I've never met before. Sorry for babbeling, I just thought I should explain my reasoning.
So obviously, I don't think it's a bad idea to live together before you're married. But like bnormal said, I'm sure it all depends on the couple.

07-11-2003, 11:43 AM
My husband and I lived togather about 4 months before we got married. And we have been married almost 4 years now.

I really don't know if it is a good thing or not.

07-11-2003, 12:57 PM
I think you should. I mean if you guys live together first you`ll be able to tell alot more if you want to marry him! And plus it won`t be so wierd a couple days or however long you honeymoon is gonna be, afterward.

07-11-2003, 03:40 PM
I say you should live together...if you want to. I don't think you should get married, unless you want to. I think you should have kids, married or not, if you want to. Now, who told me I was a conservative?

07-11-2003, 04:35 PM
Originally posted by Cataholic
I say you should live together...if you want to. I don't think you should get married, unless you want to. I think you should have kids, married or not, if you want to. Now, who told me I was a conservative?

I would definitely say you are NOT conservative, Johanna!!! :)

I'm old fashioned........I voted no, but I do not pass judgement on those who choose to do otherwise. I didn't do it either time around, but I would definitely discourage it when children are involved. It simply sends the wrong message, especially if it doesn't work out.

07-11-2003, 04:55 PM
I voted other...I think every situation is different and there is no right or wrong answer for everyone. Ralph and I lived together for about 3 weeks before we got married. We had been engaged for 11 months, my lease was up on my apartment end of Oct., our wedding date was Nov. 25. It was the best solution for us for those 3 weeks.

If I remember right, there was a study done in and couples who live together first actually have a higher divorce rate than those who do not.

07-11-2003, 07:46 PM
I also voted other.
I agree, everyone's situations is different.

(I "personally" think that married couples are
"usually" more commited to a relationship
because of that peice of paper.)

I also don't believe in long, drawn out engagements.
I would think that if a couple has been
dating for awhile.
(example a year) : should know
by that time whether or not their partner
is the right one of not.

P.S. I did not move in with my husband till after we
were married.

07-11-2003, 09:31 PM
It's completely up to you and how comfortable you are with it. There is no right ot wrong answer..only what you feel is right for you.

As for me and Joey, we've been together for 6 years. Both of us living with our parents(or in my case, my grandmother) except for this past year when I got my own apartment. While he does spend time here, sometimes even days, we don't live together.

For us, I felt it was important for each of us to live on our own independent of our parents and each other....just for the experience and the responsibility. Something along the lines of knowing and being able to take of ourselves first before committing to living with the other person.

We plan to get married about a year from this October. Even when he comes back from his deployment overseas, I don't see us living together. My feeling is that I know he is the man I will marry. If we move in together, we may as well be married, and after all these years together, we deserve to do it right and have the wedding we both want.

But that's just us. Whatever you decide, don't let anyone try to make you feel bad about your decision. If that's what you feel in your heart is right for you, go for it.

07-11-2003, 10:35 PM
Mark & I didn't live together before we got married. I really didn't want to because I felt exactly as Bnormal said it so perfectly:

However, my stock answer would be, "no". Do not live together before getting married. I think that part of the "fun" of newlyweds would be the "discovery" process of really getting to know each other on a new level. Doesn't the honeymoon lose a bit of its' luster if you pretty much know each other so well?

If I had it to do all over again, I would do it exactly the same. :p

07-12-2003, 12:31 AM
In my opinion ... whether your relationship is a success or a failure in the long term depends on so much more than whether there is a piece of paper saying you are married or not.

If you aren't compatible, having a marriage license is not going to suddenly make you compatible. If it's not meant to be, you're going to split up, regardless of whether you're married or living together.

On the other hand, if you are soul-mates and in love and compatible with each other, you will be together for fifty years whether you lived together for a couple years before marrying or not.

I guess I don't think a diamond ring and a marriage license makes or breaks a relationship, one way or another.

07-12-2003, 09:07 AM
Cookiebaker, thank you!

:D :D :D

07-12-2003, 11:05 PM
I beleive that if your going to get married, you should know weather or not you will like living with that person. So before you make the huge commitment and have a big expensive wedding, I think that you should live together. :) Otherwise you might think the wedding was a huge mistake. just my oppinion. :p

07-14-2003, 11:55 PM
Each and Every situation is different, it depends on the people, their values etc etc.
However having said that, I think living together before marriage is a good idea, you do get to know the person better, their habits, good and bad.
I rushed into my first marriage, but with my second I still chose to live with my husband first, we married within four months of being together, I was older and hopefully wiser this time, we are still together 12 yrs later, so heres hoping, fingers crossed.

07-15-2003, 08:09 AM

Wow, Pet Talkers, I am impressed that this debate has not turned into a Religious vs. Secular flame Free for All! :D

I, too, have picked "other."

Each individual is different, as we all hail from a plethora of religious and ethnic backgrounds. This is the first factor that a couple must take into account. If one, or both, individuals are hesitant to live together before marriage, based upon the ideals which they were taught, then it is a bad idea. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and can eat away at the foundations of even the strongest union.

For those couples who are not influenced by moral reasons against co-habitation, then it is a great idea! Why wait until you've had the expensive ceremony and the ring to start living your life together? Life is short. If it doesn't work out, then cut your losses. If it does, then think about the marital certificate. Divorces are messy, I've watched my Mum endure two of them. Best to try and avoid them if you can, especially if there are little ones involved. And I'm not just referring to the pets! :P

Scott and I have now been living together since April - and it's great! :) If it feels right, go for it!

07-15-2003, 04:03 PM
This is something you have to decide carefully as there are pros & cons to either situtation.

Me & Steve have dated for 8 Years and lived together for 4/5 years on & off (The relationship was always on but we sometimes lived apart due to work.) and we have always been very happy.

Marriage can be very expensive, I know of a couple who spent 18,000 ($28,655) on their wedding which lasted 9 scant months. Not such a bargin at 2,000 ($3,183) per month.

There is no right or wrong way just the best way for you. Good Luck whatever you decide to do.

PS. For some reason, I strongly believe you should be married before bringing children into the world. A bit old fashioned but I think kids should have a family name and two parents (if possible), I think I have got this opinion off my mother ?!?

07-15-2003, 08:41 PM
No worries about that, neither of us has any intention of creating another life, at least until we're not only married but homeowners. :) Neither of us likes kids though, so I doubt it'll ever happen.

08-01-2003, 05:45 PM
I have been with my husband for 5 years. We just recently got married. Out of those 5 years I lived with him for 4 and 1/2 years. I know kinda fast but, I at least knew how he was going to be when we got married. After you live with someone there is nothing for them to hide and if there is something you don't like about them you will find out while you live together.


08-01-2003, 08:25 PM
Didn't live with the first one-divorced after 3 years. Lived with current hubby 1st-so far 7.5 years.
But they are light years apart, so that may be the difference. :)

08-05-2003, 02:33 AM
I've been married twice. (Yeah, I know that's alot for a 25 year old.) I didn't live with my first husband before our marriage. He was "the perfect man". Once we moved in together after the wedding, I learned so many horrible things about him! I would have never married him if I knew who he really was. Our marriage lasted less then a year.

I met Mike (my current husband) online. :D We talked about 6 months before we met in person. About two months after we met in person, we moved in together. A year after that, we married. We've been married for 3 years now with no problems. He can be a total brat at times; but at least I knew that before I married him!

08-05-2003, 03:43 AM
my mom and dad lived together and then had me then got married at the age of 21 and my dad was 22, I was 1 year old when they got married lol.

they havent divorced yet I dont think they will, they have been married for 16 years.

08-05-2003, 08:32 AM
I would move in with him and live together at least for a while. I think it's easier to accept each other when you don't have yet the "stamp in the passport", as we say. We really have a stamp in the ID or passport that says if you're married and if yes, with whom :)

Frankly, I would prefer not to marry, but I still admire those who do that and don't lose love and respect for each other.

08-05-2003, 02:46 PM
Originally posted by Vio&Juni

Frankly, I would prefer not to marry, but I still admire those who do that and don't lose love and respect for each other.


08-05-2003, 03:29 PM
Originally posted by Vio&Juni

Frankly, I would prefer not to marry, but I still admire those who do that and don't lose love and respect for each other.

When I married the second time we had been living together for 17 years and I was so scared it couldn't work out when we would marry. Now we are married for about 7 years:) :D

08-05-2003, 08:44 PM
My husband and I were together for 6 years, we got engaged, bought a house and lived together for almost 3 years before getting married. (we got married Oct 13, 2001) And I learned more about him in the three years we lived together than I did the 6 years before that when we both still lived at home with our parents.

So my answer is Yes, I think you should live together before you get married because you never REALLY know a person until you live with them!!:)

08-05-2003, 11:55 PM
I vote no. That's just my personal opinion, that doesn't mean I think bad of anyone who lives together before they get married. It's just not something I would do. :)

08-06-2003, 12:21 AM
I was going to get married and my fiance came to stay with me for three weeks-Oh did I ever find out a lot-needless to say I called off the engagement! I know 3 weeks isn't a long time but 24 hours a day for 21 days you get to see all the sides of the person. Sometimes love is blind-so I say, live with him before you marry him and really get to know him-as they say warts and all!! Good luck!!

08-06-2003, 03:07 PM
I wouldn't marry anyone without shacking up first. But that's what is best for me. What is best for you could be completely different.
Chris and I dated long distance- me in NC and him in Missouri- for 2 years. We wanted to be together, but it seemed stupid to say "okay, we've been spending one weekend a month together for two years so let's get married." That seemed naive. But, I'm not one of those "gotta get married girls". The idea of marriage never entered my mind at your age.

It's all hard work. I say give yourselves every single advantage possible- whatever those are for you.

Good luck and congratulations.

08-10-2003, 04:32 PM
Originally posted by bnormal

However, my stock answer would be, "no". Do not live together before getting married. I think that part of the "fun" of newlyweds would be the "discovery" process of really getting to know each other on a new level. Doesn't the honeymoon lose a bit of its' luster if you pretty much know each other so well?

That pretty much sums up my opinion as well.

08-10-2003, 06:58 PM
I have just celebrated 12 years of marriage to my present husband on August the 4th, we lived together only a few months before we married, and to be honest our first year was the hardest, we were both older 34, and set in our way's, but as each year rolled on we were still getting to know one another, even now there are always new things to learn about one another.

I don't think living together takes the excitement out of it completely, and well for me personally I would rather know a little about that person's good and bad habits before I tied the knot.

Just speaking from personal experience here, but let's face it there are no guarantees with marriage either way.

This is my second go at it ,so I wanted to get it right this time.:)

08-10-2003, 10:13 PM
Rob & I did long distance for 2 1/2 years, but we talked to eachother everynight on the phone & chatted on the net (thats how we met), we also had webcams so we could sends pics of ourselves to the other everyday. It was very hard not seeing him. Then he moved back to ottawa & 1/2 a year later I moved into his parents place (so I could save $ on school). Its now been 2 years since I've been living at his parents place. We have our own rooms because babies r only made at bedtime :rolleyes: :D

Rob & I still love eachother very much & we never fight, the one thing we have learned is that we both need our own space sometimes & we both except that. We've been enggaged for almost 4 years & we're planning on getting married as soon as we get the money to have one. We're in no big hurry, it'll happen when it happeneds.

08-10-2003, 10:33 PM
I voted no. My husband and I dated for 4 years before we got married and didnt live together until after we got married.

You can call me old fashion (even though i am only 26...i am sure i am in the minority on this one)...but i think you should wait to move in together and to just plain wait for everything else that goes along with it (if you know what i mean)!! ;)

I feel very strongly on this one...why rush anything!! I feel your marrige will be so much more fulfilling if you just wait. The excitement of sharing a life with someone is such an awesome thing and i feel marrige should come first before anything. If you feel that you think you need to get to know someone better before marrying them...then date them longer...but you dont need to move in with them...just my honest opinion.

I am with Logan, i don't condemn anyone for living together...it is just not something that i would ever do...

I would feel like i was cheating myself out of the awesomeness (is that a word?) of one of the many perks of marriage (waiting)...and experiencing all of the new things together as a married couple...I am just so glad that i didnt cheat myself out of that....but that is JUST ME!

08-11-2003, 10:10 AM
my boyfriend and i moved to a totally new city because he got a wonderful new job. we had never lived together and i was scared to death. he proposed the night we moved in and i couldn't have been more happy. we've lived together for exactly one month, and it's been a challenge. you think you know somebody:p ha ha! but, through the challenge of a new city, new jobs, making friends, being broke (no fun!) i know in my heart of hearts that i love him and i belong with him. i believe that ANY relationship is work and if you love each other, it will be a success. oh, and if your pets love him, then you've already made a good choice! good luck!