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View Full Version : 20 Ways to Maintain a Health Level of Insanity



NoahsMommy
11-21-2002, 04:24 PM
Ready to see my sick sence of humor? I find this funny.... :D

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For S*x**l Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..Its Called Therapy...

Cataholic
11-21-2002, 04:34 PM
I cannot believe I still laugh outloud when I see that. Especially the zoo one...Thanks for lighteneing my mood...yipppeeeee..

wolflady
11-21-2002, 04:36 PM
LOL LOL ROTFL
I just love these things! Girl, I think we must be separated at birth twins: same sense of humor...addiction to cats and Disney...hmmmm??!!!

Haven't you ever wanted to try some of these to see what kind of responses you would get??!! :eek: LOL Here is another one that gets me chuckling every time...

Things we'd love to say at work. . .
1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
2. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!...Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

NoahsMommy
11-21-2002, 04:42 PM
Girl, I think we must be separated at birth twins: same sense of humor...addiction to cats and Disney...hmmmm??!!!
I think so....did we have the same milk man??? ;)

OMG!!!!! That was totally, completely HILARIOUS!!! I was almost in tears over here...BTW, thanks for giving my stomach muscles their workout today! :D

wolflady
11-21-2002, 04:55 PM
Originally posted by NoahsMommy

I think so....did we have the same milk man??? ;)

OMG!!!!! That was totally, completely HILARIOUS!!! I was almost in tears over here...BTW, thanks for giving my stomach muscles their workout today! :D

LOL LOL no problem!!! I think we did have the same milk man! :o LOL :D

Here's another I thought you'd appreciate...especially with your upcoming move up here! (Yay!!!! I can't wait! You'll probably get sick of me bugging you all the time when you move here! *giggle* ;) )

So, here it is!
Have you ever wondered how to "sum up" living in Silicon Valley for your distant friends and relatives?
Here are twenty-two different and amusing ways that may typify your "life in the Valley."

1.Your household income is $140,000 and you can't afford shoes for the kids. (Marius didn't think this was too funny...he needs his shoes..ya know? LOL )
2.You think anything slower than DSL is barbaric, but can't get it in your neighborhood.
3.You know what DSL stands for.
4.You and your spouse almost come to blows deciding to hit Peet's or Starbucks.
5.You think that American food includes sushi, naan, pho, pesto and pad thai (all of which I have had here in the Valley!).
6.You met your neighbors once.
7.When asked about your commute you answer in time, not distance(my commute is 1 hour with commuter lane 1.5-2hrs without commuter lane! :eek: even though it's technically only about 32 miles :rolleyes: LOL).
8.Even though you work 80 hours per week on a computer, for relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay or rather...Pet Talk!.
9.You have worked at the same job for a year and people call you an "old-timer."
10.You can name four different programming languages and you are not a programmer.
11.You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's Electronics in the area,
and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the mayor. 12.Standing in line at Starbucks you wonder why the employees don't call a head hunter.
13.You work 6 miles from your home and spend two hours a day commuting and $40 a week on gas.
14.Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and summer is when it dies.
15.The median price of a house is $500,000 for 1200 sq. ft. with no yard because it's a town house.
16.You live on some of the richest farm land in the world but most of what you eat comes from South America on a boat.
17.Your best friend lives across town but you hardly ever see each other because after your commute you're too pooped to spend another hour driving to their home.
18.You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your dept either didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case everyone in your dept has a master's degree from Stanford.
19.You cringe when you see people in suits at your office, wondering if someone in management will make you stop wearing bunny slippers.
20.You plan your vacation so that you don't have to drive back from the airport in commute hours.
21.You don't go to sporting events unless you are given tickets by your employer.
22.You could sell your home and live like a king in 99% of the rest of the world, but don't because it would be difficult to move back.

NoahsMommy
11-21-2002, 05:10 PM
Those are great!!!! I love them all....expect for that bunny slipper thing....I'm a bit "stuck up" when it comes to dressing for the office. ;)

WOOHOO! Is it JUNE yet????? :D

Wait....now I'm scared of commuting....yuck!

Uabassoon
11-21-2002, 05:15 PM
12. Sing Along At The Opera

I would love it if someone in the audience did that this week. It would make my week performing Die Fledermaus way more interesting.

neko1
11-21-2002, 06:09 PM
ROFL! What a great thread!!

ownerof3dogs
11-21-2002, 07:22 PM
Those thing are SO funny. I was reading them to my brothers and hey were cracking up. KEEP THEM COMING!!!!

wolflady
11-21-2002, 07:28 PM
We've all been there before...some guy/girl approaches you with the lamest pick-up line you ever heard. Well, arm yourselves ladies(or fellas!)...with these responses!! LOL

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

wolflady
11-21-2002, 07:36 PM
I'm not sure if any of you have seen this, but it's pretty entertaining! Go to:

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

This is what it says on the Dialectizer page:

Convert English text to any of several comic dialects.

The Dialectizer takes text or other web pages and instantly creates parodies of them! Try it out by selecting a dialect, then entering a URL or English text below. If you have questions about what The Dialectizer does or how it does it, please see the "Information" section toward the bottom of this page.

Type in www.petoftheday.com for the URL and see how it works! Pretty funny! ;)

Crikit
11-21-2002, 07:54 PM
Okay this is kind of sad but I have to admit that more then half of the stuff on the first list is stuff that I actually do....as well as some other weirder things like yelling at the radio or walking around work with my exacto knife saying over and over again that i like pointy things in a freaky voice.

COCatMama
11-21-2002, 08:12 PM
LOLOL this is my site in 'swedish chef'
Svedish Chef (http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=bork&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lalania.com)

wolflady
11-21-2002, 08:19 PM
Originally posted by Crikit
Okay this is kind of sad but I have to admit that more then half of the stuff on the first list is stuff that I actually do....as well as some other weirder things like yelling at the radio or walking around work with my exacto knife saying over and over again that i like pointy things in a freaky voice.

LOL LOL So, when can you come and visit! You, Noahsmommy and I would just be a blast together! :eek: ;)

Lalania, isn't that dialectizer fun??:) LOL

COCatMama
11-21-2002, 08:32 PM
it's a scream :D

NoahsMommy
11-21-2002, 08:34 PM
Oh my gosh Karen! That thing is FUNNY!!!! I love how Pet of the Day looks! Too funny!!

sammi
11-22-2002, 04:09 PM
This thread reminds me of a guy I worked with way back. He would always give some strange name when he went out to eat - you know how someplace will ask your name and call you when your table is ready? One time he dressed with a black hat and black trench coat and gave the name Dick Tracy! And he could keep a sober face while doing all this!! It was fun to see people's reactions! At the time he was going to law school.

Cataholic
11-22-2002, 04:18 PM
Originally posted by NoahsMommy
Those are great!!!! I love them all....expect for that bunny slipper thing....I'm a bit "stuck up" when it comes to dressing for the office. ;)

NoahsMommy- you constantly suprise me...let's talk office clothes..what is "out" in your opinion?? I am already thinking I am going to be on the other side....oh oh..

Lillycat
12-09-2002, 12:10 AM
what a funny, entertaining thread.....i would love to wear the bunny slippers to school.....my first graders would love them!