My beloved, beautiful Tommy

[K9soul]

I thought maybe it would be easier to write this now while I am exhausted and the shock of it has me in a feeling of unreality. My Tommy is gone. There was no gradual decline, no signs of warning, no ending of a prolonged illness. Yesterday my big sweet goofball was squeaking his toys, dropping balls in my lap, eagerly eating his dinner, and tonight, he’s gone. Just gone.

This morning at about 12:30 a.m. I awoke to sounds of Tommy with labored breathing and the smell of stool in the room. Tommy was moaning and breathing heavily. I turned the lamp on and stumbled up to find he had been incontinent of stool and could not get up, would not even lift his head. I called the emergency vet number and left a message and then had to just wait. I managed to get him pulled onto a comforter and using that drag him into the living room where I could more easily examine him and sit with him. I took his temperature and found it to be low, a sign of shock. Gradually his breathing got less loud and his moaning stopped and he even staggered to his feet and moved to the dog bed I keep near the sofa.

As soon as the vet got back with me I managed to get him up and lift him, front half and then back, into the Jeep and take him in. There an x-ray was done which showed that his intestines were either dilated or twisted. Blood work was drawn. He was dehydrated so I held him as they gave him IV fluids and then put his blanket into a kennel and helped him settle there. We decided they would watch him and wait on blood work and they would call me with any changes/news.

Later the vet called me and told me Tommy was deteriorating, vomiting more, and the vet felt it was time to do an emergency exploratory surgery if I okayed it. I did so and waited to hear back. I received a call while he was still on the table. The vet told me then he had a mass on his spleen but he was too unstable to remove the spleen. There was no visible sign of spread at that time but we decided to close and revive him and see what the blood work showed as far as tumor markers and get a better idea of prognosis and the next steps to take.

It wasn’t to be. Tommy’s heart stopped before he recovered from the anesthesia. They were unable to revive him.

I went there to hold him one more time. To see him and touch him once more. To say goodbye.

My boy is gone. Just like that, he’s gone. Yesterday he was a happy, playful, cuddly boy. Tonight, he is gone. I will never hear him squeak his toys again. I will never hear his playful woo-woo growling again. I will never see his tail swishing as he looks at me with his doggy grin. I will never feel his head resting on my leg as he relishes being petted and hugged. He’s gone. And a part of me went with him.

[chocolatepuppy]

Oh Jess, my heart breaks for you.:( Play hard at the Bridge Tommy, you were so loved.:love:

[luvofallhorses]

I don't know what to say. :( I am so very sorry for your loss of Tommy. You, Tasha, and Raven will be in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs))) RIP, handsome Tommy. :(

[Karen]

So sorry to hear of this. Dogs are too good, sometimes, at masking that anything is wrong until it is too late for us to intervene. I know he had a long, wonderful life with you, and was loved as much as any dog could be. And we know you will hear his woo-wooing in your dreams, and their echos in your heart will always be with you. The next few days will be hard, so know that we are here for you, and thinking of you.

[Scooter's Mom]

I'm so sorry :(

[happylabs]

Oh my goodness. My heart is breaking for you. It is never easy to lose them but this was so sudden. Prayers and thoughts are with you.

[Taz_Zoee]

My tears are freely flowing now. This just breaks my heart to read what you went through today.
At least you can take comfort in the fact that he is not in pain. I know you don't want to hear that right now, but eventually you will.

RIP Tommy

[prechrswife]

I'm so very sorry...:(

[Vermontcat]

I'm so sorry to hear that your beloved Tommy has gone so suddenly to the Rainbow Bridge.:(
He had a great life with you, he was a very special boy.
Sending hugs your way.

[krazyaboutkatz]

I'm so sorry for your loss.:( RIP sweet Tommy.:( Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[*LabLoverKEB*]

Oh my gosh Jessica I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now.... I am so terribly sorry for your loss of your sweet Tommy boy. :( My deepest sympathies to you during this difficult time. :( Big hugs for you, Jessica.:love:

[Pinot's Mom]

Words cannot express.:(

Godspeed, dear one, and Peace to your family.:love:

[shais_mom]

Jess, I'm so so sorry.
much love to you during this time.

[ParNone]

Hi Jess,

I've been absent from Pettalk for over a year now, but I started lurking again a few weeks ago. I came back, because I wanted to post about Oz, but I just can't seem to come up with the words yet, so I lurk. But once I saw your post about Tommy, I felt I had to come out of lurkdom and let you know how sorry I am for your loss and share some thoughts about Tommy. You get attached to other people's dogs here, from the pictures and the stories they share, and Tommy was one that instantly won my heart. Such a sweetheart! And gorgeous to boot! I think he was easily my favorite Golden here. I still have the picture of him with all his logs and it never fails to put a smile on my face. He did his retriever roots proud. I always felt like he and Murph and Oz would be the best of buds, if they ever met. Maybe they're hanging out with each other now. Tommy laying out his row of logs, Murph stopping to pee on each and every one of'em and Oz barking loud enough, to let everyone in heaven know what they're up to. They're never in our lives long enough, but we were blessed for every moment we did share with such wonderful dogs.

http://nothinbuttdogs.com/AprContest/Tommy.jpg

You were one special guy, Tommy and you will be greatly missed.

Les...

[slick]

Big time LES. :(:( Jess, I'm so very sorry about sweet Tommy Boy! RIP Tommy and romp freely in the sweet grasses of the RB.

{{hugs}} and :love::love::love:

[dukedogsmom]

Words can't express how my heart is breaking for you. Its always hard to lose them but when it happens unexpectedly, it makes it that much harder. Know that Tommy passed knowing he was one of the most loved dogs in the world. And they do take something from us when they leave. But they also leave us with something so special, we can't put into words. Take care of yourself and we're all here if you need us.

[robinh]

I am so sorry for you loss! His passing mad so much harder by the suddenness of it. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Bonny]

K9Soul I am so sorry to read about the sudden passing of your Tommy. You are right they do take a piece of you with them & they leave warm memories for us to hold on too. (((HUGS))) RIP Tommy

[Cataholic]

I can't fathom the depths of your grief and the shock of it all. Jessica, I am so very sorry to hear that Tommy is gone. Words simply fail me. Much love sent to you across the miles.

Johanna

[anna_66]

I was so saddened to hear that Tommy didn't come back around for you to say goodbye:( My heart breaks for you because I know how it is to loose that most special boy.
Our thoughts are with you as you go through this hard time.

[Freedom]

So sudden, no warning, a true nightmare. I am in tears. All of us here on PT share a deep love with our pets, and we shudder at the shock you must feel. You are here in the right place at this horrible time, for support and understanding.

RIP Tommy, you were loved.

[pomtzu]

I'm so sorry, and I know how much your heart is breaking. It seems even more difficult when it's sudden and we don't have the opportunity to come to terms with the pending end when we know that they have to leave us. When it's unexpected, it's like having your heart ripped out with no prior warning, no time to say your good-byes.....

RIP handsome Tommy, and peace to your Mom. :love: Many healing prayers are being offered from us here in Delaware.

[cassiesmom]

Prayers for K9Soul, Tasha and Raven and (((HUGS)))

[K9soul]

Please see his tribute video. I tore my heart out and put it into making it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyGDiOIIex0

[Lilith Cherry]

I am so sorry! Lots of loving thoughts to you and play well at the bridge Tommy:(

[fritz03]

I commented on K9 Soul's facebook page about Tommy's tribute video,he looked like A wonderful dog who enjoyed life and everyone around him,I am sure he will be missed by a lot of people,know how it is to lose a best friend,twice,Fritz and Ruffles,sure they were there to meet him at the Rainbow Bridge.

[finn's mom]

I'm so very sorry that Tommy left so soon. I'm personally grateful he didn't suffer long, but I hate that you were taken so unaware by his illness. My heart truly breaks for you!

[wolf_Q]

I'm so sorry for your loss - so sudden and unexpected too. :( He was one handsome dog and so loved. I wish I knew what to say that would help but just know I'm thinking of you. {{HUGS}}

[AdoreMyDogs]

My heart aches for you. That video was amazing, it's as if that song was made just for you and Tommy:love:

I'm so deeply sorry. Although we never want our fur children suffering, it's helpful to have the time to prepare for such events. When they leave so suddenly, it's a blessing that they didn't have long to suffer, but we sure are comforted in having more time to say our goodbyes, and prepare ourselves.

My heart goes out to you. Tommy was such a beautiful, special boy. So much so, that he didn't want you to see him suffering.

I'm so very sorry :(

[K9soul]

Today is so full of tears. Weeping because I grieve my boy, and tears because of how deeply all your words touch my heart. I will never be able to express how much it means to me.

Love to you all.

[lizbud]

I am just so very sorry for your loss.:( The tribute to Tommy is beautiful.
(((Hugs)) & prayers for you, Raven & Tasha.

[robinh]

What a beautiful tribute to your loving Tommy.

[kaycountrygal]

I am so very sorry to hear about your Bobby's sudden death. I just watched your Tribute to him and it was wonderful-- meaningful song and such beautiful photos. It is obvious from the video that he was loved and special. I can see that you did indeed put your heart into his Tribute. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet and you have my condolences.

[dukedogsmom]

Oh Jess, I don't know how you made that except from pure love. That was beautiful. I'd never heard that song before but it was perfect. And I'm still so grateful to you for making Duke's. I don't know how you made it through making it but its a true work of beauty and love :love:

[K9soul]

I didn't plan to face making a tribute for him for some time. But then I started feeling this incredible need to have something that showed what an amazing, precious, gentle, beloved soul he was. I prayed for guidance to help me, to let me find the pieces and put them together to make it worthy of him, to show both his inner and outer beauty.

I feel like I'll never stop crying again, that this sick hurt feeling will never stop. I wish I could just feel nothing for awhile, that I could just have a blank mind for awhile for a little reprieve, but I just can't get that. Not right now.

[happylabs]

Please see his tribute video. I tore my heart out and put it into making it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyGDiOIIex0

That was one of the most beautiful tributes I have ever seen. I love the music by Enya. I have tears watching it. The music is so moving.

I wish I could hug you and help to take away your pain.

[gemini9961]

I'm so sorry. I saw Kari's FB post about it and have dreaded coming here to see this thread. He'll always be with you no matter what. May he watch over you and the other pups. :love:

[krazyaboutkatz]

Thanks for sharing Tommy's beautiful tribute with us. He sure was a gorgeous dog.:) I know how hard it must've been to make it:( but it may also be a bit theraputic as well. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[cloverfdx]

Oh Jessica my heart sank when i saw this, tears are flowing for you and Tommy. I am so very sorry. You will be in my thoughts :love:.

My Clover girl will show you around Tommy. Rest easy big fella :(.

[CountryWolf07]

Tommy was one of a kind. He was one of my favorites on PT. I loved him instantly after seeing one picture of him for the first time a long time ago. I am so sorry for the loss of Tommy. He was definitely one of the most beautiful Goldens I had seen. My heart breaks for you, and you know, that video tribute? You did a incredible job with it. It is a beautiful tribute. Just know that Tommy is still with you. You both will be reunited again someday. Meanwhile up there at the RB, my Benny, Anna, and Rosie will be playing with Tommy, showing him around also! :love:

[happylabs]

I didn't plan to face making a tribute for him for some time. But then I started feeling this incredible need to have something that showed what an amazing, precious, gentle, beloved soul he was. I prayed for guidance to help me, to let me find the pieces and put them together to make it worthy of him, to show both his inner and outer beauty.

I feel like I'll never stop crying again, that this sick hurt feeling will never stop. I wish I could just feel nothing for awhile, that I could just have a blank mind for awhile for a little reprieve, but I just can't get that. Not right now.

I had to go back and look at it a second and third time.

I wish I had done something like this for Casey. I guess it isn't too late. I honestly do not know how to make a video like that with a mixture of pics and other videos. What program do you use?

[tatsxxx11]

There are no words, Jess. Tommy was one in a million, the gentlest, sweetest soul God ever put on this earth. He touched me from the very first day I met him here on PT so many years ago. My heart is broken into a million pieces, thinking he left you so suddenly, without warning; knowing the indescribable sadness you're feeling. Never was a dog more loved, Jess, and he knew that, every minute of his life. I will watch your beautiful tribute video tonight, and cry a bit more, a whole lot more, for precious Tommy and my dear friend.
Love, Sandra

[K9soul]

Happylabs - I use Proshow Gold


I just want to say thank you again. In the way that you may feel "I'm sorry" is inadequate, I feel that "thank you" is inadequate to truly express how much your caring words, your shared sadness mean to me. With all the differences of opinion and feelings here, this is one thing we all share in, the understanding of just how much our pets mean to us and how deeply they become intertwined in our being.

A while back, I read a book by Dean Koontz called A Big Little Life (thanks to Staci's recommendation and bringing it to my attention). It is about Dean's love of dogs and in particular his special golden retriever, Trixie. As the chapters wound down to the final one and I came to the inevitable sad end that is unavoidable, he said some profound statements that deeply touched me.

I remembered this today, and found the book so that I could reread those passages. I would like to share a couple of them here that had particular meaning to me and may also to you.

"No matter how close we are to another person, few human relationships are as free from strife, disagreement, and frustration as is the relationship you have with a good dog. Few human beings give of themselves to another as a dog gives of itself. I also suspect that we cherish dogs because their unblemished souls make us wish--consciously or unconsciously--that we were as innocent as they are, and make us yearn for a place where innocence is universal and where the meanness, the betrayals, and the cruelties of this world are unknown."

"Dogs' lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you're going to lose a dog, and there's going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can't support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There's such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware it comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and for the mistakes we make because of those illusions."

Maybe that helps give an answer to the agonizing "why" when our hearts are torn in two at the passing of these angels on earth.

[Karen]

And, to give you a smile, I bet he has left not only footprints on all your lives, but little Golden hairs strewn around the fabric of your existence, and many years from now, you'll be unpacking an old sweater or garment and find one, golden and perfect, just a little reminder that all the cleaning and vacuuming in the world cannot make up for one determined Golden's furry "gift!"

[dukedogsmom]

I had no idea Dean had written a dog book. His words are beautiful and you can tell he's really experienced a special dog in his life. I'll have to get that book and read it.

Karen, you are so right. It happened to me a few times. I'd tuck them in my jean pocket.

[chocolatepuppy]

A while back, I read a book by Dean Koontz called A Big Little Life (thanks to Staci's recommendation and bringing it to my attention). It is about Dean's love of dogs and in particular his special golden retriever, Trixie. As the chapters wound down to the final one and I came to the inevitable sad end that is unavoidable, he said some profound statements that deeply touched me.

I remembered this today, and found the book so that I could reread those passages. I would like to share a couple of them here that had particular meaning to me and may also to you.

"No matter how close we are to another person, few human relationships are as free from strife, disagreement, and frustration as is the relationship you have with a good dog. Few human beings give of themselves to another as a dog gives of itself. I also suspect that we cherish dogs because their unblemished souls make us wish--consciously or unconsciously--that we were as innocent as they are, and make us yearn for a place where innocence is universal and where the meanness, the betrayals, and the cruelties of this world are unknown."

"Dogs' lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you're going to lose a dog, and there's going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can't support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There's such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware it comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and for the mistakes we make because of those illusions."

Maybe that helps give an answer to the agonizing "why" when our hearts are torn in two at the passing of these angels on earth.

This is so true. Tommy's video was wonderful. What a good boy.:) You're still in my thoughts and prayers Jess. {hugs}

[Ginger's Mom]

I saw a comment on Facebook that made me come over here. I am so very sorry to hear about Tommy. There is never a good way to lose such a loved and cherished companion. Please accept my sincere sympathy and this very big *hug* on your loss. Run free, handsome boy. x

[Randi]

I'm so very sorry for your loss of Tommy. :( It is heartbreaking you had to say goodbye to your sweet boy so suddenly. I know the pain is unbearable, you will miss him terribly, but in time, I hope it will be a comfort that he didn't have to suffer a long and painful illness.

I watched your video with tears in my eyes - what a sweet and handsome boy he was.

Jessica, my heart goes out to you - please take care! :love:

Rest in peace, sweet Tommy! :love:

[anna_66]

Your tribute video is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. Tommy will be very much missed.

[SadButGrateful]

So sorry for your loss. What a shock you must be in. But how loved he was! I don't know why you're saying you won't ever see him again. Maybe you believe that. But I don't. I believe it's no accident or coincidence that we are brought together with special furry friends. I believe it's meant to be and that we WILL one day see them again. But for right now, and until then, please accept my deepest sympathy. RIP Tommy.

[ramanth]

Still thinking of you Jess. :love::(:love::(

You're missed Tommy!

[Lori Jordan]

I'm Deeply sorry of your loss of your boy Tommy,Words cannot express how sorry i am.It's never easy loosing our beloved pets,You now have a Beautiful Guardian Angel walking every step with you,He's not far,He will never leave you.

Hugs to you!

[K9soul]

I don't know how to get through this. I went to my mom's yesterday and stayed overnight. It helped distract me for awhile. But when I woke up I just felt a sense of panic that I have to face this again. I have no appetite until late in the day but then when I eat I just feel nauseated. The only time I feel any peace is when I finally feel tired enough to just curl up with the girls and go to sleep.

When I came home, I called his name. I knew he wouldn't come, but I called for him anyway. Maybe I'm losing it.

[chocolatepuppy]

Oh Jess, it's so hard.:( You're not losing it but I'm sure you feel like you are. It will take time, a long time, to feel better about Tommy.
He will always be in your heart. {{{hugs}}}

[cloverfdx]

Jess i know the feeling all too well :(. My heart breaks for you.

[ChrisH]

When I came home, I called his name. I knew he wouldn't come, but I called for him anyway. Maybe I'm losing it.
Jess, I still talk to my Bobby even though I know he's not there. I don't know for sure that it's normal but I don't think it's that an abnormal thing to do after losing a loved one. Heck, I would often talk to my hubby after he died too and I think I stayed relatively sane.

It is so hard I know. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense but maybe it would help a little if you could think of what Tommy would like you do. He was a happy very much loved dog because of you, wouldn't he want you going forward living your life with the legacy of some of the joie de vive he had lodged in your heart, to ease the sorrow a little day by day.

Love and {{hugs.}}

[lolli94]

Oh I am SO SO sorry!!! I know you must be having such a painful day already and I pray you can remember all the happy times together. Praying 4 you! Rest in peace, Tommy

[K9soul]

I lost him a week ago today. It doesn't seem possible that it has been a week.

Sometimes it hits me anew and I feel sick with the shock of it.

Thank you everyone again for your kindness and love, for your reassurances and understanding.

[Randi]

It is so hard I know. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense but maybe it would help a little if you could think of what Tommy would like you to do.
Jess, this is what I thought when I lost John, and it does make sense! Take your time to grieve and do/say things others may consider crazy - cry all you want, it helps in the long run - and you're allowed to! We're here for you. :)

Sending big hugs and lots of love. :love:

[Sowa]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a furbaby when you think they're perfectly healthy. My heart is breaking for you and I wish there was something that could ease the pain.

[captain]

Jess, I still talk to my Bobby even though I know he's not there. I don't know for sure that it's normal but I don't think it's that an abnormal thing to do after losing a loved one. Heck, I would often talk to my hubby after he died too and I think I stayed relatively sane.

It is so hard I know. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense but maybe it would help a little if you could think of what Tommy would like you do. He was a happy very much loved dog because of you, wouldn't he want you going forward living your life with the legacy of some of the joie de vive he had lodged in your heart, to ease the sorrow a little day by day.

Love and {{hugs.}}

Chris and Jess,
I still talk to Captain. Almost everyday I think of something he did, and "mention" it to him. It helps to talk to them, even when they are gone.

Jess, the hurt and pain does go but it takes time, and watching tribute videos like yours and Chris's on Bob make it all come back, but in a good way. You keep on remembering the fun times, the happiness, the joy ....... the love.

Huge Huge hugs to you across the miles. He sure was a special boy.

Love
Michelle

[buttercup132]

Not on here much so I just saw this, so so sorry.
I remember Tommy from all the way back when I was like 15 (almost 22 now).
So sad to see him go :(

[*LabLoverKEB*]

Still thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Jessica!:love: ((((HUGS))))

[K9soul]

Tommy's memorial is dear to me and I felt guided when I made it, but I also knew something was missing still.

And so I made this one today. A celebration of a once-in-a-lifetime friend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtjJvqRKyKg

[ChrisH]

Beautiful, just beautiful. Says it all. {{hugs}}

[Logan]

I will come back and look at your newest tribute to him later. Can't do it right now as I just found the strength to look at the first one. There is something about the gentle spirit of a Golden Retriever that I have never experienced with any other dog, although I have loved them all so much. Honey, Lilly, and Zipper are with Tommy now, along with my Murphy and Kaycee who were also so special, but having loved many Goldens through fostering and ownership, I know what you are grieving over. Even though Honey has been gone for six months now, I still look for her, wish for her every single day and when my daughter is home, we grieve together over our loss.
Tommy is with God and many of our friends now. One day we will all rejoice again, together, in heaven. But I know your grief and mourn with you, Jess.

[dukedogsmom]

Watching it now and despite the upbeat song, tears are still forming. I love that joyous one of him jumping up about a minute into the video. I always got a kick out of him and his logs (not sticks). I'm glad you made another video. I hope it helped lighten your heart a little.

[K9soul]

Just want to thank everyone again for their words. I am glad I made the 2nd video. He needed something happy that celebrated his life. He was such a beautiful dog wasn't he?

I just still struggle a lot with it. With the snow outside, there are no "Tommy trails" meandering through the yard. I feel a twist in my gut every time I feed the girls and his eager face isn't there. But most of all I miss his coming up with his goofy golden grin squeaking his toy and inviting me to play with him while I work. Plopping it in my lap and wagging his tail. Then sometimes he'd decide play was secondary and he'd rather get some loves and he would just lean into me and gaze up with his big soft eyes. Logan, you are so right. There is no dog on earth like a golden. I will have another someday when the time is right. I know there is a local golden rescue around here, but I'm fighting off any temptation to look at all. Now is just not the time for several reasons. And I know what I really want is Tommy back.

I still get the jolts of panic hit me sometimes as it hits me again he has left this world. I'm just keeping distracted as much as I can. I miss him. Miss him so bad it physically hurts.

[cloverfdx]

The second video still bought tears, but also smiles. Such a gorgeous dog, so very happy and so so loved. I still miss Clover tossing her food bowl around when she decided is was breakfast time, she was just letting me know ;).

[SadButGrateful]

Just looked at your second tribute and you know... "Thank You For Being My Friend"..goes both ways. You were his friend while he was here and I'm sure he's thanking you too. What a wonderful friendship and time you both had! What a beautiful dog Tommy was! Can't help you with the pain, but that's the risk we take when we give away our hearts. And your heart you gave him indeed!

[K9soul]

I brought my boy home today. I had a dream early this morning that I went out in the yard and when I called the girls, Tommy came out with them. In my dream I called his name and he ran to me. It was so vivid.

I woke right after that and soon went to the vet's office to bring him home for good. I just wish it could have been like my dream instead.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v145/k9soul/tommyrem.jpg

[chocolatepuppy]

It's good to see Tommy home. When I was waiting on Mandys ashes (these people delivered) I was so afraid I'd lose it all over again. I was so happy to feel like she was home again. I hope it brings you some comfort Jess.

[Alysser]

This is so weird. It really is.

First of all, my apologies for not posting sooner. I am so sorry for your loss of Tommy. I remember Tommy and Tasha pics so well. Tommy always reminded me of the typical Golden stereo-type, goofy, sweet as can be, always smiling, beautiful, handsome, and oh so smiley. He reminded me of Shadow form Homeward Bound. I remember seeing your two back when I first joined. I always always enjoyed the pictures you posted. I am so sorry, Jess, that you are so heart broken. I agree, losing a dog is always hard, but so unexpectedly makes it worse.

Maybe this is cliche, and so many people say it, but when I say Tommy lived the best life he could have, I mean it. He was always so happy.:love: Rest in peace dear boy.

I just recently thought of Tommy. I started reading a book called "Until Tuesday" about a Golden who changed a soldiers life. His picture is on the cover and he reminded me so so so much of Tommy. Just his grin alone. I have started reading it and am really enjoying it. Maybe it would be a good book for you to read to? I know it's strange of me to suggest a book in this thread for you, but the picture of Tuesday on the cover really did make me think of Tommy.

Also I am glad he is home now, where he belongs with you :)

[ChrisH]

I'm glad for you that Tommy is home now. {{hugs}} I hope having him there helps, I know having my Bobs back has helped me tremendously.

[lolli94]

I just watched the second memorial video. It is BEAUTIFUL! Looks like Tommy loved life, lived it to the fullest, and had loads of friends, human and canine. I am glad to hear that Tommy is home again an I hope you will heal better with him near. A reminder to y'all... take the time to take pics of your dogs. You never know when they will be gone. February 4 will be 3 years since our family lost our beloved 3 yr old lab mix to a very untimely death. I realized afterwards that I really don't have many pics of her. Partly her fault... she hated pics, but also my fault. Thankfully I had taken two of her with her buddy just a few days before. Praying for you!

[K9soul]

Thank you everyone. There is a sense of finality about it all having him home. I am relieved in that, though the hole he filled in my home gapes so deeply still.

Alysser, thank you for mentioning the book. That has actually been in my Amazon recommendations since I read 'A Big Little Life,' which is about Dean Koontz's golden retriever.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

[K9soul]

I feel like the hurt and tears will never end. I feel like I should be getting better, and instead I'm getting worse. Just don't know how to deal with it. I want the memories and visuals that keep popping into my mind to just stop.

[ChrisH]

It just takes a long time, Jess. {{hugs}}There is no easy way through, just hug the two that remain and let the tears flow. I've been through loss, both canine and human way too often and what I have come to know is that in time the tears will lessen, and the memories will give comfort instead of pain.

Please don't think because I am planning on giving a home to another dog I don't understand. Tears flow for my Bobs many times a day as I am caught by a memory and wish that I could hug that maddening silly boy just one more time.

[K9soul]

Oh Chris, I don't think badly of you at all for looking for a new friend to adopt. I wish I could too but I already have the 2 girls and things have already been tight, I need to make sure I can keep meeting their needs so it is not the right time for me to try and add on more.

The memories of him hurt but it's that sudden illness, the last few hours of his life that haunt me so badly. Of seeing him there, wanting to see his chest rise and fall with breath and knowing it never would again. His eyes as he looked up into my face before I left the vet's office, touching my cheek with his nose. I had no idea it was the last time I'd see him alive. I wish I could have held him longer. His toys lay around here untouched. Like they are dead too. It's so torturous.

I have had losses previously, but none so suddenly and shockingly. I just feel horribly depressed. I look at the girls and for the first time see how they lack things that Tommy fulfilled for me. Isn't that horrible? I need to sit down and write a list of all their special features and quirks. I just wish I could go back to feeling numb again.

[tatsxxx11]

I'm so comforted knowing that Tommy is back home with you, Jess, home where he belongs.:love: I'm going to watch your 2nd video now. I know, as with the first, I will cry. But along with the sad tears, perhaps some happy ones as well this time, remembering what a joyful, unconditionally loving soul he was, thinking back on some of those happy times you and he shared over the years...his logs!:)
I know you're still hurting so badly, Jess.:( But you have him home now, and I hope that brings you some peace...and you have us to lean on; don't forget that.
Thinking of you every day, and sending you my love and support, dear friend.

[ChrisH]

Oh Chris, I don't think badly of you at all for looking for a new friend to adopt. I wish I could too but I already have the 2 girls and things have already been tight, I need to make sure I can keep meeting their needs so it is not the right time for me to try and add on more.

The memories of him hurt but it's that sudden illness, the last few hours of his life that haunt me so badly. Of seeing him there, wanting to see his chest rise and fall with breath and knowing it never would again. His eyes as he looked up into my face before I left the vet's office, touching my cheek with his nose. I had no idea it was the last time I'd see him alive. I wish I could have held him longer. His toys lay around here untouched. Like they are dead too. It's so torturous.

I have had losses previously, but none so suddenly and shockingly. I just feel horribly depressed. I look at the girls and for the first time see how they lack things that Tommy fulfilled for me. Isn't that horrible? I need to sit down and write a list of all their special features and quirks. I just wish I could go back to feeling numb again.
Oh, Jess, {{hugs}} of course you wouldn't even think of adopting another dog, and as for comparing your girls to Tommy, I think it is a most natural thing to do. I had 3 dogs once upon a time and each one had a different personality and the pain of the loss of each one caused was unique to them.

The sorrow that is bowing you down now is understandably so very hard to cope with, I'm sure the suddenness alone would lay any one of us lower than low in spirit. I only wish I could ease it for you in some way. Know I am here for you and you are in my prayers and thoughts. xxx

[Kater]

Jess, I am so very sorry to hear of Tommy's unexpected departure from this world. The pain of losing a loved one is like none other. :( I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Please take care during this most challenging time. Hang on to those girls of yours and squeeze them tight.

[K9soul]

Every little detail keeps replaying in my mind and it's so hard to turn my thoughts away from it. When he was standing and receiving fluids I was holding his head against my chest and he leaned into me. The vet was talking to me and telling me that his blood tests wouldn't be back until evening, and that they would be watching him in the main area all day. That if the tests weren't back and I felt I wanted to bring him home overnight I could do that. I remember telling her that if he was doing better I would do that, but if he was still really weak and sick it would be better for him not to move him around so much. I went out to the car and got a comforter that he laid on when he went for rides, and put it in the kennel and helped get him settled. There was a little female golden in the kennel next to him and I remember feeling oddly comforted that he'd be near another golden. She was quiet and sleepy, maybe coming out of anesthesia.

When she called me later and said his condition was worsening with more vomiting of dark bile and recommended exploratory surgery, I even felt some relief then. They could go in and find what was wrong, do something to help him feel better. She called after the surgery and told me what they found, explaining that he'd need to stay the night but that I could come visit him and they were open until 7, and we talked a little about the next steps to take and that we were still waiting for his blood tests. I waited awhile then.. because I knew he'd be under still from anesthesia and I thought I'd just give him a little time first before showing up, but it was hard. I wanted to go right then and just hold him even if he was still out.

Well right when I was standing up with the intention of going ahead to go see him, maybe 45-60 minutes later.. I can't remember how much time, that's when the phone rang. And he was gone. Just like that. They couldn't revive him.

And some cruel part of my mind keeps imagining how it might have been if I had said to wait on surgery and just treat his symptoms, or if I had gone right after the first call, maybe I could have at least been with him before he left. When she said the surgery was done I wanted to see him right then more than anything in the world, but I made myself wait just awhile.

He should still be here carrying his precious toys around and putting his head in my lap for pets. Not sitting on a shelf. Not gone.

[dukedogsmom]

Its hard for us not to feel guilt or to think "what if". But you can't torture yourself like that, though I know exactly how you feel. When they were trying to take Duke back to put the catheter in his leg, he didn't want to go and his tail was tucked. That image haunts me to this day and still hurts. I'm so sorry you weren't able to be with Tommy when he passed. But I'll tell you it doesn't make it easier. Just take comfort in knowing that Tommy was so loved by you and he knew it. A little piece of your heart will always carry him until you can be reunited. If I didn't believe that myself, I swear I don't know how I'd keep living. Time will make it easier but it does take a while. Love on your girls and let them take some of the sadness away, if even for a few short minutes.

[SadButGrateful]

Please don't beat yourself up with all the "what ifs" Tommy didn't revive from the surgery because he was very sick. It would only have been a matter of time. You would have had to make the decision to let him go...at least that decision was made for you. The vets know what they are doing. I'm sure they did all they could. It was just his time...
As far as the memories...I went through that about Rusty. Oh it hurt! I didn't know I could cry so hard. Then I woke up one morning, about a week after he passed, feeling terribly guilty about feeling so sad! It hit me that he never did anything to make me sad! He only gave me wonderful and joy-filled memories. I want to keep those memories in my heart and smile. I want to cherish them! Sure it hurts, but I won't let those memories go no matter how much it hurts sometimes.
I guess it's personal. Nobody can tell you how to feel. I'll end with a quote from Carolyn Scott about her dog, Rookie....
(they were the most famous canine freestyle team in the world)

"The only pain or sadness you ever brought me…..was the day you left me."

[K9soul]

Thank you for your comforting words, Val and SBG. I feel like I've begun accepting it more again. Not less sad, not missing him any less, but at least coming to terms more that it has happened. I thought I had before but seemed to relapse into not accepting. It is just very difficult.

I'm familiar with Rookie and Carolyn, have enjoyed watching them in the past. Her words certainly ring true.

[Varga]

I'm so sorry for not seeing this earlier but I still wanted to extent my sympathies to you for your loss. I always loved seeing photos of your girls and handsome Tommy. I especially remember one photo of him standing in the snow with a huge tree log in his mouth. He seemed like such a gentle and loving dog.

All the best to you.

[beeniesmom]

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. I'm crying for your loss.

[cloverfdx]

Jessica you have been in my thoughts :love:.

SBG your last post has me in tears, it is so so true.

[tikeyas_mom]

Thank you for your comforting words, Val and SBG. I feel like I've begun accepting it more again. Not less sad, not missing him any less, but at least coming to terms more that it has happened. I thought I had before but seemed to relapse into not accepting. It is just very difficult.

I'm familiar with Rookie and Carolyn, have enjoyed watching them in the past. Her words certainly ring true.

Im so sad to read this! Im soooo sorry Jessica. Its like no other pain in the world when your best friend dies- your dog... i am still aching from Tikeyas death. I will keep you in my thoughts, Tommy was such a good Golden boy, and one of my favorite PT pups as well.. Your video was beautiful, i wished I had the knowledge to make something like that for Tikeya. It brought me to tears.. Again I am so sorry for your loss :(