My cat hates my husband :(

[isobel]

I've had my cat Izzy for 10 years. When I first started dating my (now) husband, she was fine around him. But at some point something happened in his presence that scared her (we're not sure what - maybe a thunderstorm), and she has been terrified of him ever since. This was a couple of years ago, and in the interim we were in a long-distance relationship so the issue only came up when he came to visit me. This summer we got married and he and his male cat moved in with me. It has become apparent that no matter what my husband does to try to appease her, Izzy just won't accept him. She hisses and growls at him, and hides under the bed when he's at home (she also poops under the bed, I think because she's afraid to come out and use the litter box). We also moved into a new place a few weeks ago, so she is understandably going through a big adjustment period.

I decided to set her up in a spare bedroom so she could have her own space and feel safe away from my husband and the other cat, but rather than getting better things appear to be getting worse. She sits under a chair and won't come out even when I come in to see her. I feel like I'm neglecting her, and am also concerned she is getting depressed -- she hasn't stopped eating but seems to have gotten thinner, and isn't at all the happy and friendly kitty she used to be (on a side note, she had her annual checkup this summer and had a clean bill of health, so I'm pretty sure her problems are psychological rather than physical). I tried a Feliway diffuser for a couple of weeks when my husband first moved in, and it didn't seem to make a difference although I'm going to try again for a while longer and see if it helps. I'm wondering if she would be a candidate for anti-depressants, or if I should just try to be patient and give her more time to adjust. I'm really discouraged because she just seems so unwilling/unable to relax around my husband. I'm afraid this situation will never get better, and I miss the kitty that I used to have such a close relationship with. I hate seeing her so miserable.

Has anyone had a similar problem, and if so were you able to solve it?

[Karen]

Can you have him spend some quiet time, just sitting in that room every night for a half hour, reading, or using the computer or something, so she gets used to his presence again? It may just take time. He should try being the person who feeds her for the time being as well.

[isobel]

We have talked about him feeding her on a more consistent basis, but I hadn't thought about having him just sit quietly with her. It's hard to convince my husband to do these things as he doesn't really like having to change his own behavior for an animal, and he's to the point where he generally just doesn't want to be around her because of her reaction to him. But I'll see if he'd be willing to try your suggestion. Thanks!

[happylabs]

We have talked about him feeding her on a more consistent basis, but I hadn't thought about having him just sit quietly with her. It's hard to convince my husband to do these things as he doesn't really like having to change his own behavior for an animal, and he's to the point where he generally just doesn't want to be around her because of her reaction to him. But I'll see if he'd be willing to try your suggestion. Thanks!


I'd get rid of the husband and keep the cat. LOL! Just kidding...

Sounds like she can sense he isn't all that fond of her. :(

[lizbud]

It's hard to convince my husband to do these things as he doesn't really like having to change his own behavior for an animal,



Look at it from Izzy's point of view. Two strangers (man & cat) come
into "her" house and she is banished to a room alone. The man makes no
effort to befriend her & possibly even shows his dislike for her by his daily
attitude towards her. (animals pick up on human fellings very easily) If I
were Izzy, I'd be ready to pack my bags. Her house is not her own anymore.:(

[isobel]

Well, that's not entirely accurate. He has spent the last two years trying to be nice to her, but if he gets anywhere near her hackles go up and sometimes her reaction is borderline violent. She will sometimes let him pet her, but even after him doing this repeatedly (two years, but on an inconsistent basis because we didn't live together) she hasn't let her guard down at all. So understandably on his part, he's a little fed up with the whole situation, and it would be more fair to say that he can sense she isn't too fond of him. He never did anything to purposely upset her, and has made an effort to show her he's her friend, but she simply refuses to "forgive" him.

I do feel guilty about "banishing" her to a room, but if I let her out she makes a beeline for the bedroom, hides under the bed indefinitely, and poops there which is really difficult to clean up. Either that or she hides in her litter box and gets filthy. So, this seems like the best compromise for now, although it isn't ideal.

[happylabs]

Well, that's not entirely accurate. He has spent the last two years trying to be nice to her, but if he gets anywhere near her hackles go up and sometimes her reaction is borderline violent. She will sometimes let him pet her, but even after him doing this repeatedly (two years, but on an inconsistent basis because we didn't live together) she hasn't let her guard down at all. So understandably on his part, he's a little fed up with the whole situation, and it would be more fair to say that he can sense she isn't too fond of him. He never did anything to purposely upset her, and has made an effort to show her he's her friend, but she simply refuses to "forgive" him.

I do feel guilty about "banishing" her to a room, but if I let her out she makes a beeline for the bedroom, hides under the bed indefinitely, and poops there which is really difficult to clean up. Either that or she hides in her litter box and gets filthy. So, this seems like the best compromise for now, although it isn't ideal.

There is a show on Animal Planet called "My Cat from Hell". The host, Jackson Galaxy, is a miracle worker with cats. I am wondering if you can contact him somehow. I saw the show where he took a completely feral cat and turned it into a loving sweetheart of a cat. Here is the link to his page:

http://animal.discovery.com/the-spot/casting-couch/full-list/my-cat-from-hell.html

[isobel]

Hmm, that's an interesting idea. I have heard of Jackson Galaxy but haven't seen his show. I've toyed with the idea lately of consulting an animal communicator, so maybe I'll see if JG does private consultations (although I'm guessing he would charge a lot.)

I started putting Bach Rescue Remedy in Izzy's water, so maybe that combined with the Feliway will eventually start to help.

Thanks for your constructive ideas. Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up and saying "Why can't we all just get along?!" :confused: But I'm trying to remain hopeful that there is a solution.

[moosmom]

Cats have a keen sense of knowing when someone isn't a "cat person". I had the same problem with my Dad's RB cat Jessie. No matter what I did, feed her, try, as hard as I might to pet her, toss her treats, she would sit there and hiss at me, her tail all puffed out, growling. I was NOT a cat person at that time in my life. In fact, I couldn't stand cats (hard to believe, huh??) back then. I grew up with dogs. So, I just fed her, cleaned out her litterbox and left her alone. It was a long week, but we both survived. I'm SURE it had a lot to do with the fact that she was in MY apartment, not in her own environment. I didn't know any better.

You got some great advice here. Try the Bach's Rescue Remedy and Feliway and make your husband feed her and toss her treats everyday. The only thing I can add is patience. She was there first, please keep that in mind. Cats do NOT like change, and this is a BIG change in her life.

Is it POSSIBLE that he could've accidentally stepped on her paw, tail or she got under foot and he tripped over her??? Just a thought.

Please don't give up.

[isobel]

Hubby is a cat person (he has a cat), but he doesn't baby his cats the way I do. I talk in baby talk and treat Izzy really gently, while he has a deep voice and more gruff demeanor. I think this might be part of the problem, but his efforts to speak in baby talk, etc. just don't work.

I'm pretty sure he did do something to inadvertently traumatize her, but it was so long ago that we are at a loss as to why she can't seem to get over it.

Don't worry, I won't give up. The situation's just gotten more stressful now that we all live together, and I'm desperate to figure out a way to make it better. But patience is probably the best approach.

[lizbud]

May I ask how she gets along with the new cat in the house?

[isobel]

I think they're getting along well enough under the circumstances. If anything, the new cat is more aggressive. They've had a couple of run-ins because they surprised each other, for example when New Cat jumped up on the bed not realizing Izzy was there and landed right on top of her, which caused a short-lived ruckus -- I felt bad but I couldn't help laughing. They haven't had any out-and-out fights that I know of, but I am keeping them mostly separated for the time being.

[Barbara]

I feel if your husband just ignores Izzy- that may be fine. Cats prefer to find out by themselves.
Izzy may be more hurt by the new cat coming in. In this case it is important that there is plenty of room and that there is room where she can retire without being disturbed.

[isobel]

I agree about there being plenty of space. Rather than keep her in her room, last night I let Izzy roam the first floor while everyone else (including the new cat) was sleeping upstairs in a closed bedroom. When I came downstairs this morning she was very chipper and had obviously enjoyed having the run of the place. She seemed back to her old self, so I think this will be a new nightly routine. I don't think it solves the problem of her fear of my husband, but it will hopefully help make her feel more comfortable and at home in the new place so she is able to make progress with him over time. :)

[happylabs]

I feel if your husband just ignores Izzy- that may be fine. Cats prefer to find out by themselves.
Izzy may be more hurt by the new cat coming in. In this case it is important that there is plenty of room and that there is room where she can retire without being disturbed.

I like this idea. Try it! Have your husband sort of avoid her and see how she reacts. This may work. It's not going to be an overnight fix for her. Just be patient. It took my Mama cat a couple years to trust me into her finally jumping up into my lap for me to pet her. Cats like to do things in their own time. :D


I agree about there being plenty of space. Rather than keep her in her room, last night I let Izzy roam the first floor while everyone else (including the new cat) was sleeping upstairs in a closed bedroom. When I came downstairs this morning she was very chipper and had obviously enjoyed having the run of the place. She seemed back to her old self, so I think this will be a new nightly routine. I don't think it solves the problem of her fear of my husband, but it will hopefully help make her feel more comfortable and at home in the new place so she is able to make progress with him over time. :)

This makes me feel good to hear. I know it is tough trying to cope with the way we are all so busy these days. Just make sure she knows you love her still and maybe take extra steps to let her know she is special. :)

[Medusa]

Is there a place that's up high enough for her, perhaps a really tall cat tower or a series of shelves arranged in the manner of stairs that she could climb, preferably near a window? I can recall Jackson saying that cats are either cave dwellers or tree dwellers, at least I think that's the term he used. Anyhow, my point is that she's hiding in the litterbox b/c she feels safe there. If you give her a spot where she can be up really high away from everyone and that enables her to look out the window, she may be happier. Just a thought. :)

[kitten645]

Isobel, I am really inspired by your determination to "make this work"! Patience is the only thing I can suggest. Kudos to you for not giving up on your girl and doing everything you can for her happiness. There are other less famous communicators out there that may help you. Laura and her RIP Kitty Boo had someone help them with a break through in their relationship. I think something very small may have triggered this fear and it may help hearing her side of the story. Bless you for being an excellent Meowmie.

[moosmom]

Barbara is right on the money. Izzy may come around in her own time. She may not. It's HER call. If the behavior gets worse, then I'm sorry, I'd question your husband. Cats do NOT hate people unless they've been abused or tormented (even jokingly).

I admire your persistence. But if your husband is unwilling to make some changes, things will only stay the same or get worse.

If all else fails, rehome Izzy so she can get some peace. JMO.