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Grace
09-11-2011, 11:17 PM
I found these on another board - tell me if you've heard them before . . . . .


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


I have more, but will dole them out a couple at a time. Don't want to overwhelm you at one sitting :)

wombat2u2004
09-12-2011, 07:26 AM
I found these on another board - tell me if you've heard them before . . . . .


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)




I have more, but will dole them out a couple at a time. Don't want to overwhelm you at one sitting :)

The first one I've seen.
Send more. :D

Grace
09-12-2011, 08:56 AM
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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carole
09-12-2011, 05:03 PM
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

HERES ANOTHER ONE

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."


"I'm doing this for my country"
One day there was a Maori, Aussie, Kiwi and a African man. They were on a plane. Then the pilot from up front shouted back, "We are losing height. Throw out all the luggage."
So, all the men threw out all the luggage. Then the pilot said, "We are still dropping in height!"

So the African said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he jumped out the window.

Then the Maori said, "I'm doing this for my country," and he jumped out the window.

Then the Kiwi said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he pushed the Aussie out the door.




2) A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!



You might enjoy these WOM.

Grace
09-12-2011, 05:36 PM
Very good, Carole. Thanks :)

Where are you, wom?


Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

carole
09-12-2011, 05:37 PM
He is probably watching a re-run of the all blacks winning against Tonga, HE HE, just kidding WOM:D:p

wombat2u2004
09-13-2011, 07:56 PM
Very good girls....hee hee. I haven't heard any of those before.
But in true Aussie fashion, I will remember them and share them amongst my friends after I have swapped around the nationalities to an Aussie advantage....hee hee.

Here's one for ya's...........

A building site in the centre of Sydney, the facade of a high rise building is being renovated.
The builder has two Kiwi labourers working with him.
The builder slips off the scaffold and falls to his death on the street below.
The police arrive and ask if there were any witnesses.
The two Kiwi labourers are interviwed..........

Policeman: "So, what exactly happened fellas?"
The two Kiwis look at each other and shrug their shoulders and reply "Not real sure officer. We were just working away, we heard a scream and the next thing ya know, the builder is laying dead on the street below."

Policeman: "Ok. So what was the builders name ??"
The two Kiwi's look at each other again, shake their heads and reply "Dunno officer. We just call him Boss"

Policeman: "Do you know where he lived ? Where his office is ??"
The two Kiwi's are still looking at each other, shrugging their shoulders and reply "Nope, sorry officer, we don't know where he's from"

Policeman: "Do you two know anything about this builder at all??"
The Kiwis reply "Nope, nothing. We don't know anything about him really. He gets here by train in the morning, so we don't know where he lives, or anything."
Policeman: "Ok ok. A big help you two are." And walks off.

All of a sudden one of the Kiwi's remembers something, and yells out to the policeman "Excuse me officer. I do know something about him."
The policeman turns around and asks "Yes ?" Removing his notebook from his pocket.

"Well," said one of the Kiwis "The builder had two a$$holes."
"What ???" Said the policeman "He had two a$$holes? How would you know that?"

"Well," said one of the Kiwis "Every day we go over to the pub at lunchtime for a counter lunch, and when we walk in, the bartender always says 'Her comes the builder with the two a$$holes'."

Grace
09-13-2011, 08:28 PM
Thanks, wom :)

I have more for you -


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is, Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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One more batch will come later :D

carole
09-13-2011, 09:47 PM
Aww Wom you are priceless.:)

lvpets2002
09-14-2011, 01:45 PM
:p You All Are Just Making My Day of Laughing!! :D

carole
09-14-2011, 03:34 PM
it is good to bring some joy in to our lives, so much sadness in this world today, time for a giggle don't ya all think?even if it is at our own expense, you can gather us kiwis and aussies have a thing going here,we supposedly don't like each other, but really i think we do.;)

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 01:43 AM
it is good to bring some joy in to our lives, so much sadness in this world today, time for a giggle don't ya all think?even if it is at our own expense, you can gather us kiwis and aussies have a thing going here,we supposedly don't like each other, but really i think we do.;)

Kiwis and Aussies have been at each other for years. But we really do like them. We've even given the Kiwis their own suburb to live in. Bondi Beach.
Even tho Bondi beach is fully secured with three rows of barbed wire and land mines, we let them live there. :D:D

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 01:45 AM
Thanks, wom :)

I have more for you -



One more batch will come later :D

Send....now !!! :p

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 01:46 AM
Hey Carole, have you ever been across the ditch ???

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 03:50 AM
St. Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two Kiwis arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the two Kiwi guys?" asked God.

"No... The Pearly Gates."

carole
09-17-2011, 05:43 AM
He He Wom, yes Wom i have been to Sydney, but that was like when i was about 20, which is a very long time ago, however i loved it,beautiful city, was only there on a shopping three day trip with the Navy Civilians and Navy staff, i was an office worker at the Naval Base here then,and they put on these cheap trips, i was lucky enough to score one very cheap, as the person could not go, got it for less than the price of the accomodation, including my flights, i remember we had to stay in Kings Cross, as our other hotel had some water damage, or something like that,now Wom being a very naive 20 yr old, Kings Cross was surely an eye opener for me.

My extended family are regular visitors to the Gold Coast Queensland,and i am hoping one day to make it over there for a holiday,gorgeous place.

Have friends in Bunbury,and perth,so Wom what part are you from again?

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 06:31 AM
He He Wom, yes Wom i have been to Sydney, but that was like when i was about 20, which is a very long time ago, however i loved it,beautiful city, was only there on a shopping three day trip with the Navy Civilians and Navy staff, i was an office worker at the Naval Base here then,and they put on these cheap trips, i was lucky enough to score one very cheap, as the person could not go, got it for less than the price of the accomodation, including my flights, i remember we had to stay in Kings Cross, as our other hotel had some water damage, or something like that,now Wom being a very naive 20 yr old, Kings Cross was surely an eye opener for me.

My extended family are regular visitors to the Gold Coast Queensland,and i am hoping one day to make it over there for a holiday,gorgeous place.

Have friends in Bunbury,and perth,so Wom what part are you from again?

Ahhhh....the Cross eh ???? That place is an eye opener even for the most seasoned Aussies to. I've been there many times, and reckon I have a decent story about each time....hee hee....it's a wild place alright.
I have a photo that was taken circa 1971 of myself and my fiance at "Les Girls" at the Cross.......don't laugh....she was a Kiwi...HAH !!!! I'll get it scanned and posted for you to see.

I'm in Armidale, the highest city in Oz, up on the New England plateau in north eastern NSW. It's a great place to live, no industry here, it's a regional education and pastoral city....lots of private colleges and a pretty big university. So the population varies a lot during schools in/schools out times.
People say it's the best place in Oz to bring up kids....I'd have to agree with that.

Yeah, get yourself up to the Gold Coast, that's a cool place, lots to do up there. ;)

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 06:43 AM
The New Zealand Navy in Action

http://img1.imagehousing.com/91/f74d533814224869636414d64d69d67d.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/852894)

Grace
09-17-2011, 10:51 AM
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

wombat2u2004
09-17-2011, 08:03 PM
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
_______________________________________________


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Hee hee. They are all very funny, thanks for sending them.
But I can imagine the questions that are asked, and the crazy Aussie answers given....it must happen all of the time.
I can remember selling our spare army slouch hats to GI's in Vietnam, we told them they were made out of kangaroo feather felt. And I had a mate who swapped a pair of our boots (they are leather, but he told the yank they were toughened Emu skin) for a jeep.
I don't know how we ever kept straight faces doing stuff like that, but we did...hee hee.

carole
09-18-2011, 12:01 AM
Ah wom i love the ewe boat cartoon,awesome matey, i must check it out on line where you live, it sounds really nice,well it is like this wom if i did not have three cats, i probably could have afforded several trips over to the gold coast, so i guess i am stuck here for some time yet, but who knows i might win the lottery, not that i take a ticket very often,so my chances are not that good, i worked out by the time all cats have left for the rainbow bridge, cost wise, i probably could have bought a brand new car, can you believe that, oh well they are worth it, material things are just that material,nice to have both though i reckon, lol.

wombat2u2004
09-19-2011, 08:53 AM
Ah wom i love the ewe boat cartoon,awesome matey, i must check it out on line where you live, it sounds really nice,well it is like this wom if i did not have three cats, i probably could have afforded several trips over to the gold coast, so i guess i am stuck here for some time yet, but who knows i might win the lottery, not that i take a ticket very often,so my chances are not that good, i worked out by the time all cats have left for the rainbow bridge, cost wise, i probably could have bought a brand new car, can you believe that, oh well they are worth it, material things are just that material,nice to have both though i reckon, lol.

That's right. Ya pets are a part of the family. ;)

wombat2u2004
09-19-2011, 09:02 AM
The Aussie Animal Whisperer

Aussie "That your dog?"
Kiwi "Yep."
Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "My dog don't talk."
Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (Look of shock!)
Aussie: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi...)
Dog: "Yep."
Aussie: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (Look of total disbelief)
Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "My horse don't talk."
Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Kiwi: (Extreme look of shock!)
Aussie: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Kiwi...)
Horse: "Yep."
Aussie: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Kiwi: (Look of total amazement)
Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: “Yes” "Sheep lie."