View Full Version : Does anyone NOT know how to be a friend anymore?

05-01-2011, 02:44 PM
Mini venting going on here

So, I'm finding myself lately that I hang out on my own a lot of times, except the times I'm with Mike. I'm finding that lately I'm liking dogs more than people. People just plain suck. I don't think I really do have anyone who'd do ANYTHING for me, except Mike. He's said it many times before, "What about me? You have me!" but.. I just wish I had a good friend or two to hang out with during the weekdays or on weekends, even. I don't think anyone knows how to be a friend anymore. I am done. I was supposed to go out on Friday night with a friend, then another friend on Saturday, and today also, and they all BAILED. I don't know what I HAVE to do to gain a friend. That's how I feel. I try. What do I get? Nothing. It's like, no one really cares anymore! Pffft. No wonder I am on the computer a lot of times.

How do you meet people too, especially in public places? Must be hard and it is definitely hard for me to! Not online, that's a whole different story. It just seems a hell a lot harder figuring people out these days.

05-01-2011, 02:58 PM
I can't give you any advice on where to go to make friends. With my agoraphobia it makes it extremely difficult to go places on my own to meet strangers. Doug and I are both home bodies but we do have some really good friends that we help out when they need it and vice versa so they are out there just getting harder and harder to find.

More and more people are becoming the "all about me" types. They only want to hang out to do what they want to do, talk about what they want to talk about and forget helping others. It is sad really. I am the type where I like activites that takes everyone into consideration and the same with things to talk about. Luckily our friends are that way too. Once we got rid of all the drama seekers things have been all smooth sailing.

Is there any activities you enjoy? Doug and I are hoping to make some dog park friends or puppy walking friends at Luna's upcomeing puppy classes next week. Maybe join a group for an activity you enjoy and see what happens.

05-01-2011, 03:46 PM
I'm with you CW - and I know exactly what you mean. I had lots of "friends", or so I thought. We were always going somewhere and doing something together, whether It was just to sit around and gab, go to dinner, go shopping, or go to Happy Hour occasionally..:eek:

And then I had a spinal cord injury and had to retire a few years earlier than I had planned. I was no longer able to run here and there at the drop of a hat, and all I asked of them was to give me a little notice, since it took me a little longer to do things. Well - the first year that was okay, and then the "friends" started to disappear, one by one. Here it is 5 years later, and where are they now??? - I haven't a clue. One of them still calls me about once a year and at the end of the conversation she always says - "let's get together for lunch and shopping (or whatever!) - I'll call you". So does she call - yup - about a year later, and ends the conversation with the same line. I haven't even had a Christmas card from her in 2 years - so I quit sending too.

Do I need "friends" like that??? - hell no!!! I have my family and my fur kids, and frankly that's all I really need and want. My son is always saying I should get out more - go to the "Modern Maturity Center" and meet new people. Heck - not being disrespectful or anything - but I don't want to sit around and play bridge or checkers with a bunch of old farts that have nothing to talk about, other than all of their ailments. :eek: I'd rather stay home and read or watch a movie or get outside in the nice weather and play with the pups, go to the beach and walk the boardwalk, or just goof off on the computer.

All of my old "friends" showed me what friends aren't! I really don't miss them at all anymore........:p

05-01-2011, 04:28 PM
I feel the same way.

I have online friends, but I don't have any in real life.
I go to lunch every day by myself. My contact list on my phone is pretty much empty.
If I want to hang out with someone, my 2 choices are Hec and my mom (which are 2 fabulous choices!!!!:love::love::D) I can't live without them!!!

I have one old coworker that I talk to about once a month, but I haven't actually seen him since december. Every time I ask him to hang out, he's got something else going on.

I tried asking one of Hector's friend's if she wanted to hang out, but she told me no because she 'can't leave the kids alone with her husband' :rolleyes:

It gets me severely depressed sometimes, but then I remember that I was born alone, I grew up alone and I will die alone and I've managed so far ok so it's fine.:) If people don't want my friendship, then forget about em.

05-01-2011, 04:29 PM
I've actually found that my online friends are one of the greatest gifts:love:

They help keep me sane and I appreciate all of them:love:

05-01-2011, 04:30 PM
It seems much more difficult to make friends as you get older. I'm also at the point where I enjoy hanging out with my cats more than with other people. Most of the friends that I used to do things with have all moved away. The others I just stopped seeing because they still like to drink and party which I'm not into any more.

There is one friend who still lives in the area but she's in very poor health so it's hard for her to get out now.:( I'm pretty much a loner these days so if I want to go some where or do something I have to go alone. My entertainment is my computer and tv. At least you have a wonderful boyfriend that you can do things with. I'm sorry that all of your other friends have bailed out on you. I agree that it's much easier to meet friends online than in person.

05-01-2011, 04:51 PM
I've got my work friends, but not a lot of contact outside of work. I have my online friends. I spend most of my time alone with my furkids.
Seems everybody, including myself, are just too busy these days and when I'm not working, I prefer to be home with my furkids.

Queen of Poop
05-01-2011, 05:52 PM
Raises hand to join the group.

Since I left my horrible husband I've spent the majority of my time alone. I hear from my "friends" when it's convenient for them. Plans made always fall thru for one reason or another, but not on my part.

Like today, had a plan to meet a girlfriend at 11, she called about 10:20 and said let's meet at 1. Then called and said let's meet at 12:45, she showed at 1. By this time I'm pretty crabby about the whole thing so the shopping was not fun and I couldn't wait to be done.

I thank God for my friends here. Always someone to chat with, someone who understands. I love you guys. You're my sanity.

05-01-2011, 06:00 PM
It's funny. I look back 6 years ago and see who I knew in 7th grade and who I know now. Back then, what I know now about certain people would have shocked me. I thought I had met my life-time friends back then, and for some of them I guess that was true. I still "know" alot of them, I would hang out with some of them, but I just don't feel the way I used to about them anymore. I've finally fizzled out who my true friends are over the past 2 years and it really is amazing. After I graduate in a few months, I know I won't talk to some of them anymore, but I know who I will talk to, who I'll chill with, etc. It's just so strange how people change. But sometimes it's for the better :) You really do find out who your friends are.

I'm sorry about your "friends" bailing out on you. I totally know how that is. :( I hope you know you DO have friends here at PT who totally understand where you're coming from and are here to talk.

05-01-2011, 08:13 PM
Raising my hand and also joining the group!!

Just the other night Bruce's friend, who recently ended his engagement, asked Bruce to have me bring a friend to dinner. I thought about that and finally realized I don't really have any friends that I "hang out" with. All my work friends are married, live too far away or are too young and don't want to hang out with an "old lady".
I have friends from high school that I am still in contact with, but they live back home. I don't even see them when I go to my parents house (and one lives right down the street from my parents). They have children that are in sports and are way too busy.

I really wish I had someone to go shopping with. Even though I HATE shopping, it would be much more bearable to go with a friend. All of my clothes have holes in them and are just worn out. My mom said to plan a weekend and she'd go with me. So that's what I will do! :D My time is basically spent with Bruce and the animals. Or my mom, SIL and nieces. But you know what? I LOVE it!! Sometimes "friends" can be too much work. I love catching up with someone I haven't seen in a long time, sure. But I'm just as happy staying home.

Oh, I also wish I had a work-out buddy. I miss my work-out partners from when I lived at home. I was so darn skinny back then!!

Too bad we don't live closer Rachael, I'd hang out with you! If you wouldn't mind hanging out with the "old lady". :D

05-01-2011, 10:19 PM
Totally feel you, Rachel. So sorry your friends are bailing on you. :(

I'm a shy person and I have a hard time making friends, and when I do make friends, most of them end up not being my friend later on down the road for some ridiculous reason.

I had a group of "Friends" in high school who were supposed to be my "best friends" and everything. Well, my real best friend in high school told me she didn't like the way they treated me, and I'm not sure why I didn't listen to her then. So, we graduated and things were okay, I thought, though they told me they "didn't want me to go on their graduation trip" which was hurtful. Anyway, I was a nicer person and I tried to invite them to my birthday party last year, tried to hang out with them last summer, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. So, it's been over a year without them and I couldn't be happier. I have amazing friends here in college that I've known for a very short time and are already way higher on my list than those petty high school friends ever were.

Scooter's Mom
05-01-2011, 10:49 PM
I don't have many "real life" friends in Phoenix, even though I've lived here since 1999. I have a couple of people I associate with through work. It seems that all of my "real life" friends are back in Texas, where I grew up. I still talk to them through facebook (which is a godsend) and email.

I do have one person other than my husband, who would go to the ends of the earth for me. My best friend, Kat. I am forever thankful for God putting her in my life when we were in High School. We have not always had 'good times' but we've made it.

I do have a few "online" friends that I love dearly. It's much easier to make friends online than in the real world, I think.

Sorry for babbling... just kind of agreeing with everyone.

05-01-2011, 11:12 PM
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I mean, I'm usually not alone. I hang out with my boyfriend, my brother is a close friend of mine and my mom. But any girlfriends my age? None. Other than "friends" at school and work, that I really never hang out with, just talk to while I'm there. It's frustrating. Even in high school, my friends were constantly bailing on me and talking behind each others backs. It's annoying and I was sick of it.

My family and boyfriend are my support. However, I still long to have a "best" girlfriend that I can vent to and share everything with. I had the best of friends in junior high that I had known since I was five. Then I moved to Utah. I never really got friends like I had before. Becoming "friends" with those I knew from MN on facebook has only made me sad about it. Seeing my friends pictures of prom, dating people I had known, all the fun times I could've had with them. Sigh, it's depressing lol!

However, I am happy with the direction my life is going. I'm happy with who I have become and the people in my life. I figure you don't need those types of "friends". You need positive people in your life who love and support you. Whether that is a boyfriend or family, pets or just people you know on the internet!

05-01-2011, 11:17 PM
I'm scared to step out of line here.

I've had a best friend for about 53 years. Never fight, talk 2-3x a day with hello or checking in or some kind of news. My neighbor calls me all the time, and visa versa, again, hello, or do you need help? 3 other besties, I worked with. We've introduced each other and now we all hang out with, along with our partners. Not often, but on the girls' birthdays and around the holidays. One phone call, and we are there for each other.
I'm blessed and grateful. My niece, who I helped raise, I refer to her sometimes as my daughter, is grown up with a family and we talk at least 3x a week and get together.

I have lots of acquaintences. I make friends easily. There are people on PT whom I consider really good friends, but distance keeps us aprt.

I think people are overly stressed and busy these days, and focused on themselves. Maybe the differrence is that my gf's are older and settled. I didn't have many friends in high school or in my 20's. IMO, CW, when you get settled, and find the perfect job for you, you'll meet some really nice people. Again, kust my opinion. Life was bleak in my 20's compared to now. Getting old(er) wasn't that bad afterall.

05-02-2011, 09:42 AM
Reading this thread I find most of you have the same issue. And I agree that as people get older, they have less friends than they do when they were young.
But my take on this situation is that people seek out those with the same interests in life, that is usually the requirement. When you are at school you have heaps of friends....why ??? You all study together, play sport together, party together, because you are all connected by the same interests and activities.
I have lots of friends, friends that I can call my best friends, but they are ALL war veterans like I am....you see the link ???? It's almost like a common bond.
Maybe if you pursue some sort of interest...I don't know....collect dead beetles or something.....join a dead beetle club, and then all the dead beetle collectors will want to come around to see your dead beetles, and that's how bonds are formed.
Just my thoughts. ;)

05-02-2011, 05:26 PM
Dead beetles, really? LOL :rolleyes: Like I would! That's funny. I do know what you are saying, it's the common bond. I just am not happy with how I am a "friend" to my friends, and I just get nothing in return. Like for example, I listen to one who complained/cried/talked about her ex-boyfriend that was SUCH a headache to listen to in the first place. Just think, Ronnie/Sammie, yes, a Jersey Shore reference, but it was exactly the type of relationship she had. The thing is, how did we meet? She was Mike's friend's ex - seemed like she was a nice girl, until she got me involved every time she talked about "them" - and what did I do? I just only listened and offered her advice. So this is the same friend that keeps telling me, "We need to hang out soon! Get some drinks, catch up!" and she's been doing this for a while now and I just feel like saying, "Whatever, IF you really want to be friends with me, then ACT like one, otherwise, walk away please." I haven't said this to her yet, but I need to. So it hurts me, I guess, that I was there for her through her crappy relationship, and I just get nothing, but get ditched and she hangs out with her other friends. Not fun. I just hate that I'm THAT type of friend who's loyal and I mean whatever I say or do. Pssh. I'm too nice.

05-02-2011, 06:07 PM
I can also relate to what you're saying, Rachel. I had a lot of friends until my divorce. Then the true friends revealed themselves and there weren't many of those. It hits me the hardest in the winter b/c I'm shut indoors too much. If someone bails on me, I take it personally, rather than realize that people are so busy nowadays and that if they hadn't wanted to go somewhere w/me in the first place, they wouldn't have made the date.

Try not to dwell on it b/c it'll get worse, not better. If you have ever tried positive affirmations, then this would be a good time to say one regarding finding new, loyal friends. One that I say quite often comes from Catherine Ponder, though modified: "I am now guided into my true place, w/true friends now, quickly, easily and in peace". I've always seen a positive effect from affirmations.

Keep your chin up, girl, and by all means, keep the faythe. :love:

Pinot's Mom
05-02-2011, 09:32 PM
I sympathize; I really do. I understand the need/want for a "best" friend. The task, however, lies in yourself. I am saying this from experience. I have many friends and acquaintances; my best friend I've had for 30 years. That's my husband. I did, however, reach a stage when I really wanted something many of my friends had, and that was a "girlfriend" or two. Someone you could call anytime and do things with. I realized the problem was me.

YOU have to reach out to find this relationship. I met the sister of a friend. We have common interests (music and singing) and we clicked instantly. I decided I had to cultivate this friendship or it would go by the wayside. We have become very close, we go out to dinner (Wednesdays, half price wine night at Kelsey's) about once a month, we're going on a girl's weekend together. Another woman I've become close with is someone I've known for some time. We have other common interests (including that she works with Best Friends Animal Rescue); I couldn't STAND her when I first met her. She's married to one of my husband's and my best friends (male). I came clean with her, she and I talked things out, and are now very close. I had to make these work. You can do the same.

I enjoy my time alone. I enjoy my time with my husband; and now, on the other side of 50, I have something I used to have when I was in school..."girlfriends". GO FIND THEM; they're out there! Good luck!:)

05-03-2011, 03:13 PM
Meetup.com! You can meet people in your area with similar interests!

I know how you feel though. Recently I've been reminded just how few girlfriends I have and how my friend circle has gone down to Rich, my family and his family. But I'm tired of giving and getting nothing in return! So someday, when I'm not moving every six months, I will try the friend thing again :p

05-03-2011, 07:36 PM
I have many acquaintances but I only have 5 people I consider true friends. These are people I've known since my late teens and we've been through thick and thin together. I separate true friends from acquaintances because acquaintances are people that you can enjoy but they are never like true friends who will drop everything at the drop of a hat to be there when you most need them.
Some people make a habit of collecting tons of people they think are friends, for some reason they think it makes them look good to know dozens and dozens of people. I'm the opposite. I sometimes prefer to enjoy my own company rather than keep up with someone that I met somewhere and hang out just for the sake of hanging out.
With my real friends they know they can call me anytime for whatever reason and I'm there for them and the same goes for me. They are always there for me no matter what. These are the friends I place a high value on. For friends I prefer quality over quantity and it works for me.

05-03-2011, 08:40 PM
I have several friends that are going on 40 years. One we lost due to religion. She joined a small country church, they are very devote and very closed. We all miss her but she has changed and we are no longer good enough for her. Only those that belong to the church are worthy of friendship.
Another friend had the same experience with a high school friend who became a member of the Jehovah Witness. She shunned all her friends.
I have found that people tend to gravitate to others who are in the same emotional place. Happy people hang out with happy people, depressed people have depressed friends, druggies hang out together, people who enjoy classical music hang out together.
So if you are in a depressed group and all of a sudden things go well for you or you are in a cubby group and you lose weight WELL that is not appreciated by the others.
Same with the happy bunch. If things go bad for you they expect you to pick your sorry butt up, show some spunk and make it good again as they have during the bad times.
Our group has always been kind of a nutty fun group. We talk about everything, we all have opinions, we share and argue but always respect.
We call each other butt heads if we disagree but say it with a love and a hug. As in " you are my favorite butt head" We are not your average white bread soccar mom women. We can be wild, crude, snobbish and down right silly but we always love each other and support each other.
And yes we are a happy group. If you are depressed someone will come and kick you a%%. It is as simple as that. One day you will open your door and a bucket of purple kool-aid will be thrown at you. That is how we roll. Try keeping a straight face through that. :eek::p:p

05-04-2011, 09:07 PM
Mini venting going on here

. . . People just plain suck. . . . I just wish I had a good friend or two to hang out with during the weekdays or on weekends, even. I don't think anyone knows how to be a friend anymore. I am done. I was supposed to go out on Friday night with a friend, then another friend on Saturday, and today also, and they all BAILED. . . .

I agree. When I was much younger, girlfriends would routinely cancel "dates" because a fella would pop in and want attention. We women don't seem to understand the bond would could share.

On the other hand, my boss is a ba$tard. He regularly tells me to find another job, doesn't support me in the classroom, and tells me that I have no interpersonal skills.

The only joy I have are my cats and this place. Something about that sounds so sad. I do have other outlets, but the South is big on family and those that are single by choice are outcast. That's one reason I'm considering moving back to live near my youngest brother.