Log in

View Full Version : Either way I will always question my decision-UPDATE



WELOVESPUPPIES
12-30-2009, 09:56 AM
As a lot of you know I have been asking for prayers for our Duke. Duke is a 9-year-old checked boxer who is just as much of a goof today as he was the day I brought him home September of 2000. He is my heart dog.

Here is the longer version of what is going on...

A few(maybe 4-5) months back Duke developed a lump on his right side just behind his leg. At first my hubby thought I was just feeling his muscle as sometimes depending on how he was sitting, standing or lying you could not always feel it. About two months later we were sure it was a lump. Considering his age we felt it was probably a fatty lump that dogs get as they age. Then all of a sudden the second week of December the lump had grown, like over night. We decided right after the holidays we would get him into the vet. He was lying down Sunday, 12/20 and yelped when he got up. His lump had now changed in shape, it was as if it had ruptured and was now giving him a saggy spot near his armpit. He was taken to the vet the next day at 3:30 when they could get us in. They did an aspiration and all they got was blood, she wanted to send it to a specialist to see if they could see anything she could not (results came back a couple days later only showing blood cells, not good). She sent us home with some antibiotics that day just to cover him in the meantime. The next morning my mother stopped by to see how he was doing. He galloped over to the front door as always, she pet him and when she turned to pet everyone else out of the corner of her eye she saw him go down, just his back end kind of went to one side and then he slid down onto his elbows. I helped him to his feet, he was wobbly so I carried him over to the carpet, after that he was fine. I called the vet when they opened at 8 and told them what happened. She said she would let the vet know and call me back. I had been checking on Duke on and off since the collapse, about 30 minutes after I went to check on Duke, again, who was lying in the livingroom. I uncovered him to see that he had a giant bruise where the squishy part of the lump had gone. I knew it was not from collapsing because he never actually "hit" the floor, he kind of slid down. I called the vet back immediately and the tech said the vet stated that she was afraid he may have developed internal bleeding. He was rushed back over to the vet. They did x-rays to be sure he had no bleeding surrounding or in his organs...there was none thankfully. Apparently it was just subcutaneous bleeding. He became anemic right before their eyes with his RBCs being 37 (the lowest normal) dropping down to 28. They could see the bruise growing before their eyes. He was finally stabilized and sent home that afternoon with a different antibiotic and steroids. I was told to watch for growth of the bruise. The next morning, late morning, I thought the bruising looked to be heading down his leg...off to the vets we went again. We were assured this was normal, that gravity was just bringing the blood down. She actually felt the rest of his bruise was looking, dare she say "better?" We talked to her for a long time. She was telling us the results of all the tests, everything was good except his RBCs were still low (but better) and the fact that the aspiration showed nothing but blood was not good. She is leaning towards cancer, a cancer called hemangiosarcoma, cancer of the blood vessels. This cancer is extremely agressive, it will return always when removed. She gave a couple scenerios she has experienced, one dog having his tumor removed, undergoing chemo/radiation only to have the cancer return approximately 6 months later and his owner opting to put him to sleep. The owner said she would NEVER do chemotherapy again, it was the worst 6 months of her dogs life. Another dog had the tumor removed, it turned 6 months to a year later. They owners opted to remove it again. The dog had to be put to sleep on the table as they could not stop the bleeding from the tumor.

At first I was all for the biopsy/possible removal. Now I am taken over with the fear that he could potentially bleed to death on the table and I will have taken what time I have left with him and diminished it to no time at all. I am trying not to be selfish, I thank God for all the time that I have had with him and am forever greatful for the day I turned around in my car "just to look" at the puppies. I knew the moment I saw him he was meant to be mine. There were 7 puppies, he was the first one I picked up and the one I brought home.

I feel torn, if I do the surgery I may regret the outcome, what if they say he has one to three months, now several weeks of that is spent with him in recovery instead of enjoying playtime and walks or just cuddling on the floor. He will be restricted to being calm and quiet, calm and quiet is not in Duke's vocabulary. That will not be enjoyable to him...it won't be enjoyable for me to see him miserable. I will regret that I put him through that and should have allowed him to run full speed ahead and enjoy the time he has left. Or I chance ending everything immediately if he had to be put to sleeping while undergoing the surgery due to complications. If I don't do the surgery I will always feel, what if it wasn't that type of cancer? What if it was a more controlable cancer? Would we have had more time together if I had had it removed?

I am not asking for anyone to tell me what they would do...I need to feel confident in my own decision, not influenced by anyone else. What I am asking for is that you pray that God helps me in making the right decision...not for me but for Duke.

I greatly appreciate everyones prayers, thoughts of healing and good vibes. I believe that is why his bruise is practically gone now, only one or two tiny purple spots left, the power of prayer works.

pomtzu
12-30-2009, 10:17 AM
Prayers going out to you and Duke. I'm certain that whatever decision you make, it will be the one that is right for you and Duke. Altho there is never a right or wrong, or black or white, there is what you feel in your heart, the direction you choose to take, and you should never question or second guess yourself once you have made that decision. Don't be troubled by the "what ifs", since life is full of them.
And always remember that miracles do happen. :)

Karen
12-30-2009, 10:30 AM
You and Duke will still be in our prayers.

Freedom
12-30-2009, 10:48 AM
Nice to hear the bruising is almost gone now.

You make your decision, I am behind you ALL THE WAY. I've had to make some tough choices over the years, and more recently with my Lacey. You gather information, ponder and pray, and you decide based on you, your heart, and Duke. That's the way we do it. It is NOT easy, but take your time, ask the vet more questions if you have them. And you will be comfortable with your decision.

Prayers for you and Duke from RI.

*LabLoverKEB*
12-30-2009, 11:41 AM
Traci, again I am so sorry you have to go through this with your beloved Duke.:(
You do what YOU and your family feel is the right decision for Duke. I will always keep Duke in my prayers, as well as the right decision to come.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
:love:

Husky_mom
12-30-2009, 11:53 AM
very tough decision.. and you´re right.. whatever you do.. you´ll wonder "what if".. and it´s tough not knowing ahead of time what will happen..

here´s wishing you the best and hoping he gets better... whatever you decide.. may many years of joy are still awaiting you two

Taz_Zoee
12-30-2009, 03:15 PM
I am in tears reading this. It's never an easy decision when it comes to our babies. I just went through it recently with my Taz.

I am keeping you and Duke in my thoughts and I'm going to light another candle for you.

Moesha
12-30-2009, 03:45 PM
Sometimes the fact is that there is no right decision or wrong decision. We all know that whatever decision you make, it will have been made with Duke's best interest in mind. That's all he could ask of you to do. You know him and you know you. We are always here to give support. Many kind thoughts being sent your way.

lizbud
12-30-2009, 04:21 PM
Sometimes the fact is that there is no right decision or wrong decision. We all know that whatever decision you make, it will have been made with Duke's best interest in mind. That's all he could ask of you to do. You know him and you know you. We are always here to give support. Many kind thoughts being sent your way.


Oh, I agree. It is never easy. Prayers for you and Duke.

Queen of Poop
12-30-2009, 04:49 PM
Serious prayers for you and Duke. I had a ferret that had the hemangioscarcoma cancer. It was a most heartbreaking time, it's an awful cancer. Especially in one so little. I am certain that you love Duke with all your heart and whatever decision you make will be the right one for the two of you. I am here if you want to talk about it.

Alysser
12-30-2009, 06:26 PM
Traci, I am so sorry you came back under these circumstances. I really don't know what I would do in this situation with your lovely boy, Duke. I love that handsome boy and always enjoyed your threads about him and his broffurs. I am so sorry you are going through this. Decisions like this are so hard, and while it is hard, you are truely the only person who can make it. You know your baby the best. There are so many things I regretted with Sassy, but with time I realized perhaps it was just meant to be.

(((hugs))) and may you have strength when making this hard choice. I promise, I BACK YOU 100% in whatever you do! I know that's not much, and that is regretful of me, but I hope you are able to choose.

chocolatepuppy
12-30-2009, 06:44 PM
I will keep you and Duke in my prayers. Making these type of decisions is never easy and you may question it, but I know your decision will come from your heart in the best interest of Duke. I've been there before. {hugs}

DriftyAlison0
12-30-2009, 08:54 PM
I will be sending my thoughts and prayers for both you and Duke. You made the decision that will feels right to you and I also support you 100%. I do not know what I would do if I was in your shoes.

KYS
12-30-2009, 09:34 PM
I am so sorry to hear about Duke.
You both will be in my prayers.

Catty1
12-30-2009, 09:55 PM
How heartbreakingly hard this is for you. :(

Is there any point in using that old line with the vet: "What would you do if it was your dog?"

HUGS and prayers to you and Duke. Glad his bruising has healed so well...I am sure he feels more comfortable.:love::love:

cassiesmom
12-30-2009, 09:57 PM
I am so sorry to hear about Duke.
You both will be in my prayers.

Same here, and a candle
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=9875443

krazyaboutkatz
12-31-2009, 01:03 AM
I'm so sorry that you're going through this difficult time.:( I know that whatever decision you decide to make that it'll be what's best for Duke. I'm also going through something similar with my cat Sunny. He also has an aggressive type of cancer and only has 3-5 months to live.:( I've decided to just make him as comfortable as possible and enjoy the time that I have left with him. Another PT'er said that "sometimes the treatment is far worse than the disease itself." I believe this to be true and when the quality of life is gone then it's time to say goodbye. Lots of prayers an positive thoughts are being sent Duke's way. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

WELOVESPUPPIES
12-31-2009, 06:32 AM
Thank you all for your support and understanding. I knew if anyone would understand the heartache of making this decision it would be PTers.

I spoke with the vet yesterday and asked many more questions. I just don't want to remember my Duke in pain wishing I had or had not done something. I will choose what is best for my boy no matter how painstakingly hard that decision might be. I still hold out hope that maybe, just maybe it could be something benign, she said it is possible on the first aspiration she hit a blood vessel and that is why we ended up with just blood (no tumor cells at all - good or bad). I told the vet my feelings of putting him through surgery at almost 9.5 years old. The risk of him bleeding to death on the table is my greatest fear since we don't know exactly what caused the bleeding the first time, she also agrees that this is a concern. I could go from weeks, months and maybe even years to just...nothing, he would be gone and I would live with the guilt of doing that to him forever. I am leaning towards palliative care, just making him as comfortable as I possibly can and loving him with all my heart if it ends up being something malignant. He shows no signs at this time of even being ill and I am greatful for that. Eats like a horse as always, plays and has that wounderful twinkle in his eyes that he has always had when he looks at me. After talking to the vet about my concerns for surgery she offered to do an ultrasound on Monday instead. Sometimes an ultrasound can answer some of the questions we have. If it is porous(sponge-like) it is normally malignant, if not then we could just be dealing with some benign lump. If is in the middle, well obviously we will be in the same place we are now. I asked her what she thought of another aspiration...she said she would most definitely be for that and will do it under ultrasound guidance this time to be sure she gets what she wants. I pray this time we can see something that will give us answers. I will keep you posted on the results from the aspiration.

She has given me her scenerio of "what if this was her dog". She said she would have to at least do the biopsy, she would need to know. But for me if the aspiration can give me the answers I need without putting him through the risk of bleeding subcutaneously again then I choose that route.

I know I will ponder all this again once I know something on Monday...I just continue to pray and ask for prayers that God points me in the right direction, keeps my heart from making a decision that only benefits me and not Duke.

Thank you all again...
Traci

moosmom
12-31-2009, 08:56 AM
Traci,

You and Duke will be in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember one thing. Whatever you decide, you did for Duke. I pray that it's benign and that Duke will bounce back.

Alysser
12-31-2009, 09:49 AM
This mirrors exactly how I felt at the time with Sassy. Although the circumstances are completely different, there was absolutely nothing we can do. But I still had so many regrets and I still do have some...(((hugs))) & thouhgts going ot to you.

Freedom
12-31-2009, 11:08 AM
We are right with you, Traci!

Hugs to Duke and all the others.

Pinot's Mom
12-31-2009, 11:37 AM
I'm very sorry for you and Duke; this is a very tough situation we pet owners have faced or will face in all likelihood. My heart goes out to you.

As for regret of any decision, and this is to everyone: THERE IS NO WRONG DECISION MADE WITH LOVE AS A GUIDE. PERIOD. Please remember that.

http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/6.gif

Taz_Zoee
12-31-2009, 12:12 PM
Like Alyssa, this takes me back to when I had to make this decision with Taz. I still feel like I shouldn't have done it. But then I think, no, it was the right thing to do. It just hurts so bad either way.
Duke sounds like he is still full of life right now. So I say just enjoy that and don't worry about the tough decisions until you absolutely have to (that is what I did).

I will hope for the best with Monday's vet visit.

Catty1
12-31-2009, 01:52 PM
Prayers for clear results - and GOOD ones - at the vet's. Praying that whatever does or does not show up, you will have more clarity and peace of mind. {{{{hugs}}}}:love::love::love:

PS - I am not particularly a dog person, but I think Duke is a big, handsome boy. And just a little bit sucky too, right? ;):D:love: