How do you politely tell someone your not interested...

[sumbirdy]

...without hurting their feelings or ruining your friendship? I have been friends with this really nice guy for a couple of months, but apparently he was viewing it in a different way. He thought I was interested! I haven't been flirting with him in any way and as far as I know, I wasn't leading him on. I treat him like I treat all my guy friends and none of them have ever thought that I liked them in that way.

When this one said he liked me and just knew I liked him too, it was quite a shock to me and all I could say (er, squeak that is) was "Oh" Which has probably not helped my case that I in fact do NOT like him that way. Sure he is nice, but I'm not looking to date anyone right now (or in the near future) Plus, he has a low self-esteem, which makes this doubly tricky for me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want us to stop being friends. He has been a great friend to me. He's very nice and I'm sure he'll find a great girl, it's just not me.

What should I say? Is there a way to put this where he won't feel defeated? (He hasn't had much luck with girls in the past)

Sorry this is so long, but I really need to know what to say.

[caseysmom]

I'm sorry I had to giggle about this. To be young and attractive and have such problems again!!!

Just be yourself, you sound like you are nice, just be honest.

[Catty1]

There are some tips here, though this is guy-gal. But still some good stuff.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/no-chemistry-after-a-date-the-right-way-to-say-so.html

There is some good stuff here too:

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/advice-dating-how-to-say-no-and-mean-it.html

[Karen]

Take him aside and gently say "I am sorry if there has been a misunderstanding. I like you, but just as a friend. I am sorry if you thought there was more to it, but I just don't feel that way about you. I felt I should say something, I hope this doesn't hurt you. You are a (fill in positive adjectives of choice here) nice person, and I'd like to still be friends with you if we can, okay?"

See how that goes. It doesn't have to be at all confrontational. And if he does not still want to be friends, it will be sad, but try to be okay with that.

[sumbirdy]

Thanks for everyone's post. I know this seems trivial, and this doesn't happen to me ever (this is the first time!) I don't date much at all. But I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, although I know feelings are going to get hurt sometimes no matter what. I've always been like this ever since I can remember. I remember not telling my parents I didn't believe in Santa for a couple of years because I thought it would hurt their feelings. lol.

[caseysmom]

Thanks for everyone's post. I know this seems trivial, and this doesn't happen to me ever (this is the first time!) I don't date much at all. But I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, although I know feelings are going to get hurt sometimes no matter what. I've always been like this ever since I can remember. I remember not telling my parents I didn't believe in Santa for a couple of years because I thought it would hurt their feelings. lol.

Oh I didn't mean it was trivial, I am sorry. Its someone's feelings, thats never trivial.

[sumbirdy]

Oh I didn't mean it was trivial, I am sorry. Its someone's feelings, thats never trivial.


That's okay!;)

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

In my opinion Karen is saying it perfectly! I would follow her advize :). Good luck:)

[Cataholic]

I would pull him aside, and in person only, and say, "wow, I am totally flattered you are interested in me! I totally value your friendship, and hope you won't be upset, but, I don't feel that same way". It is bound to hurt a little, and it might be uncomfortable, but, remain true to your friendship and it will pass.

[lute]

I agree with everyone else. Be honest, but polite about it. I've done it before. It hurt his feelings, but didn't stop being friends.

[shepgirl]

That would be the way I chose to tell him too. Honesty is always the best way and won't lead to misundestandings or false hopes.

[sumbirdy]

Well, I did it. I basically used Karens words. I told him that I liked him as a friend and that I didn't mean to mislead him. I told him he was very nice and someday he'll make some girl very lucky, ect. ect...

His feelings were hurt, and he said he didn't know if he could stay friends with me. :( But he also said that may be because he's so embarrased and to give him a couple of weeks. I don't know exactly what to think of that, but I do hope that in a couple of weeks he realizes we can still be friends.

[carole]

You have brought back some memories for me, it happened to me once, i was working in the hotel and living there and the barman and I had rooms next to each other, and we were great friends, everyone liked mike and got on well with him, including me, i often went to his room and listened to music,chatted etc, i thought of him as the big brother i never had, one day he reached over and kissed me, i was so taken aback and i got really angry and told him never ever to do that again, and our friendship survived it.

In fact when i left that town, apparently he was broken hearted and we so i gave it a shot at dating him, but it just did not work out, i did not have those feelings, i still think about him today, and i would love to catch up with him one day.

Now my point of telling this story is that i think you can be a lot more diplomatic than i was, because you have fair warning about it, I did not and acted out of shock,so you can decide what you are going to say and how, just let him down gently and i hope the friendship survives, if not, well you just have to move on.

[slleipnir]

I was in the same situation myself. It's really hard. I just told him I like him as a friend, he's a great guy, but not more then that. I know it still hurt him and he barely talks to me now...I really would like to know how to handle this situation too.

[carole]

Honestly girls i do not think there is a particular way to handle these situations, except to be completely honest about it and handle it with tack and be nice about it, if the guy cannot handle it, what can you do, just move on,everyone has to come face to face with rejection sometime in their lives,it is really out of your hands if they choose to deal with it in a negative way, take it from an old girl,this is just a fact of life.