A Letter from an Alcoholic

[Catty1]

Although this message is from an alcoholic, it applies to anyone who is angered, upset or sad (and more) by the actions of the addict in their life.

This prayer has appeared in many places, including an AA/Al-Anon pamphlet.
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An Open Letter to My Family
I am an alcoholic. I need help.

Don't allow me to lie to you. If you accept my evasions of the truth, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but try to get at it.

Don't let me outsmart you. This would only allow me to avoid responsibility and would make me lose respect for you at the same time.

Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. And, Don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made stick to it.

Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. If you do, you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.

Don't lecture, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. Don't pour out my liquor; it may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.

Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.

Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my drinking. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my sickness worse.

Above all don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. find al anon, whose groups exist to help families of alcoholics.

I need help. from a pastor, doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a recovered alcoholic who found sobriety in AA and from God. I cannot help myself.

I hate myself, but I love you. Please help me. Signed,
Your Alcoholic

[Marigold2]

God helps those that help themselves. If you know you are that sick, get help, don't expect others to do it for you. Everyone has some kind of a problem, everyone is responsible for their own life and their choices. We cuddle alcholics too much, especially with driving.

[Catty1]

Marigold, I am an alcoholic. I understand what you are saying, and yes, it IS the person who has to take the first step in getting help.

Both the American and Canadian Medical Associations now classify alcoholism as a disease.

A couple of its chief symptoms - defiance and denial. Courts can order treatment - and hopefully the person will 'see the light' and realize how sick they are. Others stay blind for much longer.

This letter was written by some anonymous person years ago to illustrate that the addict is not all happy and uncaring - far from it.

It's just to give perspective; I looked this up after reading a post in the "Smoking is Bad" thread here. Have a look through, might put this in a better context.

As I like to say to people who need and hopefully WANT to get well: "You alone can do it - but you don't have to do it alone."

[DJFyrewolf36]

As I like to say to people who need and hopefully WANT to get well: "You alone can do it - but you don't have to do it alone."

This is what kept me going (and keeps me going) through my addiction issues. Being an adict doesn't mean you don't realise it, or you're oblivious as to how it affects others...quite the oposite.
Sometimes the first step to recovery is knowing that you aren't alone.

[Daisy and Delilah]

Candace, I have a question. At the end, it says, "I hate myself, but I love you". I've always heard that a person has to love themselves in order to love someone else. If this is true, how can the above statement be valid? Do you believe what I've always heard to be true or the other way?

I have alcoholics in my life now and I've had others in the past. I really wonder if any of them love/d themselves or love/d me. I've never heard it said that way before. Just curious.

[Medusa]

"You alone can do it - but you don't have to do it alone."

I love this line. It can apply to anything in life, not just addiction. Who said this, Candace, or is it one of your pearls? It's so true. :love:

[Catty1]

Mary, I just that somewhere in the past halls of the 12-Step programs. I'm sure it didn't originate there!

D&D - My understanding - only mine - of the "I hate myself, but love you" statement is something like "I hate what I am doing, I hate how I am screwing everything up...I am still the same person inside that loved you, and still loves you."

BTW - I long ago changed my mind on the "You can't love anyone til you love yourself" - I beat myself up over that one.

I heard someone disagree with that one day, and I asked them to explain it more. His belief: "OK, the book says the Great Reality [God] is deep down within each of us, right? " "Right." "And God is love. So we already have all the love we need deep down within us."

Most active addicts have zero self-esteem. There is one young man here in town that we are all waiting to drop dead. He will. He lost family and everything, and now that he knows he can't get that back, he has become resigned, and keeps on drinking. He looks horrible. :(
He is corked when he comes to meetings.

I hope he turns around...but right now, "He alone can do it...":(

[moosmom]

Boy did this come at an awkward time. Yesterday would've been my Dad's 81st birthday. He was an alcoholic and I was his enabler. Why? I bought him his booze to avoid him getting into his truck and driving to the liquor store possibly killing himself or someone else. Years of guilt followed me. I haven't cried all weekend (my mom's anniversary was Friday) and this thread has brought on the water works. Crying is supposed to be very cleansing, so I guess I needed it.

I am also a recovering alcoholic. And the letter is correct, arguing and fighting over it does nothing. It takes hitting rock bottom before an alcoholic will admit his problem and get help. Unfortunately, my father hit rock bottom years ago and it was HIS choice to stay there till he "cruised on outta here".

[shepgirl]

Have alcoholics in the family and some friends also. Our AA meetings are open to everyone...but they do warn us not to make the alcoholic's problem ours. Seems they have to hit rock bottom before they face that fact and do something about it. However, there is someone in our town who has hit rock bottom ages ago and keeps on drinking, I think only death will stop him, a real shame.

Catty1 - the media is now trying to classify drug addiction as a medical disease....We learned that drinking and doing drugs is a choice someone makes. My cousin is a prime example...he drinks one beer, one drink, and he knows he won't stop there, he will drink himself into a stupor. His choice was to abstain from ever touching a drink, and he's doing marvellous.

[Catty1]

shepgirl - if you want to argue with the Canadian and American medical and Psychiatric Associations on addiction as a disease, feel free.

Go back to the Big Book and read "The Doctor's Opinion".

And at the next meeting, maybe ask "How do you know it's a disease?" Then take the cotton out of your ears, put it in your mouth, and LISTEN.

[moosmom]

According to the dictionary, an addiction is as follows:

noun: being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Disease is: an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning

Seems to me it's both an addiction AND a disease as I do not see alcoholism as a normal function.

AMEN Candace!!!

[Catty1]

Here's a new one someone just composed, disliking the first one that was posted on another forum. It's kind of cool. (But not official yet!)

To my family

There is no point in me telling you that I'm an alcoholic. It's an insult to your intelligence. Of course I am. I need to get off my sorry ass and do something about it.

I have no credibility with you, and expect none, at least until there's some long term action behind my words.

Feel free to do what is right for you regarding my behavior, You have a life. You deserve to live it without my interference or drama.

If you choses to put up with me, hold me to my promises and commitments. If I want to get well, I am perfectly capable of doing what I said I would.

If I exploit you or take advantage of you, we really can't blame it on my disease. Drunk or sober, I am responsible for my actions. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

There is no point talking to me when I am drunk. Yell at me when I am sober.

Expect me to fulfill my responsibilities, like any grownup would. If I don't, natural consequences are a great motivator. Fixing it is usually a bad idea, even if I beg you to.

If you want to pour out my alcohol, do it. It may or may not have any effect on my behavior, but it may help you to feel better.

I'm just a common drunk who may or may not get better. I've damaged our relationship and wounded you and others. Even if I refuse to get help, you deserve to find whatever works for you to have peace and stability in your life.

Signed,

Me.

[CathyBogart]

*sigh* I know I have the potential to become and alcoholic, as it runs heavily in my family, and when I do drink I can easily see myself getting out of control with it.

So I'm cautious, and I use my dad as an example of what I never want to be. I grew up under his fists and he provided me with great motivation to control myself, but it's not easy.

My dad claims he's doing better now, and for a few months, I really believed him. He was going to AA, not drinking, taking antidepressants, and acting like a decent human being....all this after my mom finally threw him out of the house. Now he's drinking "just wine" again, which interferes with the antidepressants and turns him back into the same aggressive person I grew up with. My mom claims she won't let it get as bad as before, she'll throw him out again, but I don't see it happening, and it makes me sad.

Dad has been trying to reconcile things with me for the last few months, and on a few occasions I've come close to forgiving him some of what he's done....but he's starting to do it all over again, so for now, I give up.

[moosmom]

Good letter!!

[Marigold2]

Blessings to all of you. So much pain here and such courage as well.
My dad was a alcoholic also a Deputy Sheriff and later a police officer, strange combo and very confusing for a child. He busted many a drunk and scraped up many a dead body then went to the bar to drink, maybe to relieve the pain. I have been to several of our local cop bars, whole place is filled with nothing but police drinking, talking, bonding. They think they can drive drunk because they are professional. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
I do want to say that all of you are very brave, strong and decent. :love:
Being an alcoholic is very difficult and if you have stopped drinking you are a great example to all.

[shepgirl]

Catty 1 - I don't attend the AA meetings, I just know the people who run them as we meet at the same workplaces often....this is what they tell people who keep trying to help alcoholics..." It is their problem and don't make it yours or you are enabling them".

As for the medical books I've got my nose buried in them most of the day so I know what they say about alcohol and drug abuse, then there are the books on the other side of that fence....

[RedHedd]

Candace - thank you. I, too, am an alcoholic. My father, his father and his brother all died from alcoholism; I almost did too. 22 years later I still attend AA meetings regularly and am very active in service.

Shepgirl, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. ;)

[Daisy and Delilah]

My hat goes off to all of you recovering alcoholics. This is such a major accomplishment. I hope you're all very proud of yourselves becase I'm sure proud of all of you.

[shepgirl]

Red-Hedd...I don't have to check them out. My best buddy works there and holds the meetings which I helped set up. I've talked loads of people into joining for their own good . I still do, always will while I can. Just because I don't drink doesn't mean I don't help out.