When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[RICHARD]

I am effing crazy at the moment.

I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters that are not one whit of help to me or to the situation that confronts us.

Through out the years there have been times when I have wanted to slap every single one especially now.

My SIL is probably the one that I can count on the most-and that is a sad statement because of the size of my family.

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Problems? I am second in line-I have an older sister-then three brothers and a younger sister.

Here's the setup.

I moved back home a few years back after I was out on my own for a while.
MY parents were always O.K. about the offspring 'coming home' or helping them when we needed it.

While I was working I bought groceries, cooked and helped out with expenses.
Fair exchange? Maybe not, but I'd try to help them out best as I could. I also did home repair and other stuff around the pad.

When my dad got sick he had dementia, needed dialysis and when he started to lose circulation to his foot, wound care.

My brothers carted my dad to and from his treatments, I did the wound care and cooked for him and my mom.

Eventually my dad lost his foot and passed away a few weeks later in a home.,

Here's one of my biggest burrs under my saddle.

MY effing sister. She's a nurse, married to a cop. She's about as useful as a urinal in a convent. Humor me! PLEASE! In all the time my dad needed care she was nowhere to be seen, If she was able to talk to my mom about her problems there would not have been the need for us to be in the situation we are currently in.

I have been trying to roust the troops and get some help for the situation.
Everyone 'wants' to help and no one wants to do anything.

When my mom went to the hospital my sister went on vacation two days afterwards-for two weeks! She never called the house to find out what was going on.

THis is not unusual for her. Before her and my mom stopped talking she'd calll her up and say, "want to go to lunch/shop/???? I'll pick you up at 11." I'd trip into the house and my mom was ready to go, purse in lap. I'd ask her where she was going and she'd tell me about her date.


My sister would never show up, call or bother to give her an excuse.

My poor mom would wait, then just kinda give up and be peeved about the whole thing.

MY sis is also under the impression that my mom told her that she was not to call or visit her.

Having spent many, many hours talking to Ma about things I learned about the person that not one, but both my sisters are.
When my nephew, her son, got into problems with his wife and was trying to get custody of his son, my sister 'got involved' and came to my mom for lawyer money. Mom told me that it was for a few thousand bucks, but the "grapevine' says it was for more than 5 grand. My mom told me that the reason that she never came around is for that fact-my sis promised to pay her back, then she harrassed the lawyer about the job she was doing.
The lawyer told her that in order for her to keep on the case she wanted money up front. I know my sister and know that no amount of money could convince me to even talk to her on the phone.

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There is more drama than you can imagine. When she finally called me up -after her vacation - she stated the she'd do anything to help out. I asked her for some support and you't thought that I had asked her to give me all her worldly belongings. MY younger sister had taken advantage of my dad and mom to the tune of MORE MONEY THAN I WANT TO EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

My brother and older sister got involved in this and this has gotten to the point of yelling and screaming matches. I am the bad guy because I am her 'advocate' for her care. I don't have any kind of power past that point. Everyone is yelling and screaming at me about losing the house because of the outstanding bills. Both the houses are bought and paid for, so that is one good thing about this whole mess.

I have been accused of dragging my feet and not caring about the finances.

I pray to god that things we a bit different and I didn't have to deal with all these AH's.
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I am not perfect and my parents did help me out by letting me live here. THe thing that ticks me off is their pompous attitudes. They have never asked about how they can help with making phone calls, offering to take over a few tasks to help or inquired about what kind of care my mom will get now or in the near future.

The only thing they care about is the bills and who is going to be in charge.

I need to take a breath.

[Karen]

Oh Richard, that's why we have friends - they are the "elective family" rather than the one you were born into.

Take a few deep breaths, stop over to Thurdsays and have a huge slushie and chill for a while.

When your blood pressure has settled back down, is there a way you could make a typed list of specifics like phone calls, rides, whatever, that the others could assist with that don't cost money, and circulate it to everyone? Just so they can not say you're all about the money, and never gave them a chance to help out with "the little things ..."

And if they all still blow you off, ask Eddie for help? ;) At least he can provide distractions like the reappearance of Lake Edward around 2 a.m. ...

[RICHARD]

part two.

After my older sis ran mom's credit reports she gave the note to my brother and my brother -who cannot stand my younger sister- came to my house and started to scream at me about what "I was going to do about the bills!"

I told him I could pull out the money from an excretory orifice and pay them off and that proceeded to make him tell louder.....You don't care! You aren't doing anything about it!

Every money problem is attributed, in his mind to my little sister. Another snake in the grass, So he accuses me of standing by and letting my little sister
take over the houses and putting him and I out into the streets.,

Besides the close quarter fighting, every day I hear about people(family) who are taking forms for my mom to fill out, detectives visiting the facility where my mom is staying to check out why my mom waited for care...more drama than an afternoon soap opera,

After the fight where I was accused of not 'doing anything' I called my older sister to ask her why she told my mom about the bills and why she gave the numbers to my younger brother. I didn't bother to tell her that she might have talked to me before she presented the numbers to my mom-when I gave her my mom's social security number I hoped that she'd do that part and get back to me.

NOPE. She went ahead straight to my mom's bedside to tell her about the bills and how much they were and god know what else.

She stopped last friday and wanted to talk to me. I invited her into the yard and the house and she declined. She then stood at the gate and told me-
She'd make sure that the houses went -whoosh-making a motion meaning that they would be sold and both me and my brother would be "out".

I told her to step up and start to care for mom-That I had done my turn and I was tired.

She replied that if "Mom has to come home, I'll take her to my house!"

She then accused me of being drunk and told me that she knew that I had "beat up mom" because mom had told her.


Dude,
I almost went out there and kicked the living shiat out of her. I didn't make a scene but i stayed in the yard and told her that she had some balls to make a statement like that.

Later she told my brother and SIL that she said that to get me mad.


It's alway been my contention that mom was first, money was later. No one wants to accept that fact. When she said that she'd take care of getting a lawyer i was surprised. She then gave the contact info to my SIL so she could make arrangements.

We consulted a lawyer today and he gave us the price, half now, half later.
My brother blew up when he began to spend some of the money that will come into the household at the first of the month and I told him to wait and see what my dear old sister would do to help.

When I called her to explain what was going to do to help she just kept saying, "O.K., O.K." I explained to her that she did say that she'd get the lawyer and that I was asking for her her help because she offered it. She hesitated then had to say "EVERYONE has to help!" I again told her that I wasn't working and I could hear the gears grinding where she was trying to figure out where reverse was.

UH, she neglected to tell me that she was going on vacation again with her AH husband, the former cop and king of all he surveys.....He was the reason that my sister borrowed money from my mom to give to my nephew. It wasn't his kid so he wasn't going to help with that mess.


ANother breath!?!

[RICHARD]

LOL, I am jumping around here-
I forgot to mention that the tenuous situation between my younger sis and bro are the result of him always blaming everything on her.

During the convo I had with sis about the bills I mentioned to her that we should wait and see before we blamed anything on anyone. I told her it might be mom's bills, a credit fraud or indeed, my younger sister.

She blew up at me and said that I was on D's side about this. My sisters aren't the best people on the planet but I'd like to afford them the benefit of a doubt. I have always tried to do that and I was roundly castigated for it.

At the gate when she came over I did make it a point to mention that the only things that her and my brother were interested in was the money and not mom's health. She didn't do jack to help out with the arrangements or gave me a call during the time she was on vacation.

I also mentioned that her vacations were more important that her mother was.

That sent her into a tizzy and she announced that she wasn't going to stand there and listen to me.........The truth has a way to make your knees buckle and head spin, no?

Ugh, i know that there are many more miles to travel on this road and know that I do have the patience to make it thru. It's the way that people act that supremely puzzles me.


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On the way home today I did smack my brother on the back of the head because he made a statement to me.

He said, 'We always have to do things your way because you are perfect!'

I told him that it was better than having to go back and do them again. I understand what we are all going thru at the moment. He's just as hurt and confused as everyone else...But, I just don't understand why I have to be everyone's punching bag....


LOL, I didn't mention my other brother and how he almost had an aneurysm because the hospital would not tell him about mom's transfer.

I can't be making phones calls to everyone about what they need to do or ask them for favors. They all have wives/husbands that screen the calls, think that they should have input or a say in what happend,

I welcome their help and guidance, but they figure that the few good things they did a few years ago should cover them from extending a helping hand today. So, that covers them on the road of good intentions.



I am holding auditions for a new family soon!

[kuhio98]

Richard ~ I'm so sorry. The last thing your Mom needs right now is to see how fractured the family has become. I know you've tried to protect your Mom as much as possible. I could just kick your sister for going to her and bothering her with this right now.

Is there an elder care/advocacy program that could advise you? I know nothing about this kind of thing, but I was wondering if an unpartial, thirdy party would be best to handle this for you. I'm sure it would cost something, but you could turn over all that crap to them. Let them field the nasty phone calls, etc. While you spend quality time with your Mom.

[joycenalex]

richard, this sucks, big time. i will be praying for you and your mom.

[RICHARD]

richard, this sucks, big time. i will be praying for you and your mom.

Pray for her, restrain me? :eek:

You know, The only thing I want is to have my mom have quality time.

Things will work out in the end and it kills me to have to put up with this.

Example?
I didn't score any points when I started to tell everyone not to approach me with third hand stories.

They go like this, "I heard D went to see mom with some papers for her to sign..." So my reply to them is not what the story is, but who told you, I want to know about it and talk to them......I am trying to figure out who is talking smack and who can I can believe.

When I ask and get the 'someone told me' answer, I tell them not to bother to tell me because it's effing BS and drama. That got me the "You don't want to hear about it" accusation. IF I acted on every story that I have heard in the past month, I'd be in a nuthouse.:(

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When my sister told me that she'd take her into her home I knew that was a giant crock of crap. Later on when my brother told me about her accusation of abusing my mom, we agreed it would be a cold day on hell when she and her husband would take my mom into her home.

As in her taking mom to 'lunch', helping with the lawyer and taking my mom into her home, I want everyone to hear what she said. She's a great orator,
But, a lousy person.

Another of the arguements that I had with my brother was about the legal aspects and costs. He wants to pay for it all, I am of the mind that dear old sis offered and I plan on pursuing that aspect.

As mean as this sounds, I want her to put on the shoes and lace them up. She was very adamant of 'doing whatever was needed'.

She'll do what she needs to do to look good and not have anything weigh on her conscience. She'll gracefully back out of the 'deal' and leave us to worry about things.
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IT is my family and this probably sounds really strange- I love them and would do anything for them - but those feelings will be hard to rally if and when I have to pull them out of my back pocket.


I am sorry for venting in such a venomous way towards my kin, But they don't
have any respect for me and what I am doing for mom. I'm not a martyr, or the perfect son-I do have my moments where I feel have to laugh at the stupidity and actions the I witness.

The worst part about is having to look back at what has happened, and what will happen and having to measure people against that time and their actions.

[joycenalex]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

[Medusa]

More unsolicited advice from a third party, Richard: look into a guardian ad litem. This person can act as an advocate for your mom and her care. It doesn't give her/him complete control but s/he is trained in this type of situation and it could help your mom (and you) immensely. Also, is it possible to call a powwow w/your family, to make a list of subjects that need to be addressed and handled immediately and then ask who would be willing and/or able to help w/them?

Your statement that Mom comes first and the money second is right on the mark IMO. That's always been my philosophy and where your focus should stay. That will help you through the madness. I'm sure that it would grieve your Mom to know that her family is divided at a time when she needs unity more than ever. However, I'm equally as sure that she knows the personalities involved and she's aware of how they conduct themselves, especially under pressure or during the hard times, so it probably would come as no surprise to her that the family is behaving in such a manner. You've certainly done well by coming to PT to vent. Lots of encouragement can be found here and, once in a while, a good idea or two. You are loved, mister. :)

[RICHARD]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

Nope.

This is the reason for all the hassle.

Ugh, my mom is pretty stubborn and goes by the old adage. "If you don't talk about it, you won't need it/it won't happen"

There is a rather long back story that involves my sisters and two brothers. Dad was of the idea that you hustled to make a living, mom, not so much.
They made light of mom's loose purse strings.
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The social worker at the hospital inquired about her will and such. I spoke to her about things way before all of this and she was not very receptive. I was usually met with the Why?/No one is getting anything!/and other not-to-nice arguements.

At the hospital, not the place for such decisions, four of us were present. The youngest sis and three brothers. Ma said that my older sis and I be put in charge- I suggested that my other brother assist me -my older sis being on vacation and being so involved with mom that she hadn't talked to her in three years!:rolleyes: THe two youngest vetoed that idea!

I can't make any decisions about her long term care because she refuses to cooperate with me.

There is another side to this that I can't figure out.

IT's her attitude towards me. I know that she is scared and hurting. She says things that really sting. I know that I was the closet child to her for the last five years and am the easiest target for her, it's not fun and I really dislike it.
IT's also not fun to have to put up with everyone thinking that I am trying to control the finances and her care.

Instead of being more involved with things, everyone can't be bothered and get pi$$ed off when I make a decision or try to get a concensus going.

This won't stop after she passes, IT will further fracture the family and I will be stuck defending myself and the decisions I have to make.

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One last thing about the BIL and SILs.

My youngest brothers wife took me to task about gettting everyone together and sharing information. When he shows up at the house has yet to sit down and talk to my me about mom.

The day that she was transferred from the hospital to the home, he called me, furious that she was being moved and they would not release any info to him about the move.

during the past month we spoke once about her and it was a rather limited conversation because our nephew and his pal were present.

His wife got all over my arse about not talking to him about what is going on-
so again, I am the problem because I won't call and give out info.

In the past I have given out my email address for my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews to keep in contact and I have ended with two emails in the past 7 years.

Example?
Little brother will come over and talk about attending an event-he says that he took a ton of pictures. I tell him, send me some give him my email addy and never see anything.

I have asked for email addresses from him and my older sister and have yet to get one. And as you may suspect I love to write and don't mind getting mail.

As it is, my older sister is nothing but a paranoid old hag. Because she is one of the Suzie Orman effing clones she doesn't give out any info.

When I asked for an email address she didn't remember it. The lawyer asked for everyone's social security number, I told her this and she flipped out and said she would give it to him! I have called her about 5 times in the past five years and many before that- You either get a phone that rings 12-15 times, her robot husband who says, she's not there, is asleep or can't come to the phone. He won't take a message, call back later. I tried to call her a few days ago and the phone rang and rang. When she called back she was irritated that I didn't leave a message.

I told her that her phone machine was probably out and she got mad at me and said that I misdialed, twice. I have never, ever got a phone machine when I called her house. If she has a cell phone she hasn't volunteered a number and wouldn't give it to me anyway.

So, with all the drama they never do anything wrong, it's me.

And with her gone for two out of the four weeks while mom was in the hospital/home I just don't see any reason for her to be involved with any decision making.

It totally sucks.

[anna_66]

Richard, I feel your pain.

Mark and I went through pretty much the same thing with Mark's mom. It sucks the life out of you doesn't it?
I don't understand why everyone is just worried about money and what's good for them and not the person (your mom) who's in need....GREED of course:rolleyes:

I'll be saying prayers that things calm down for you.

[Pam]

Richard I am so sorry you are going through this. As if it isn't hard enough to see your mom failing in front of your eyes, you have to deal with these family members. I have pretty much carried the ball with my mother's situation. I only have one brother and he was busy tending to his wife who had cancer for several years before she passed and was happy for me to take over. I know that the problems you are going through are pretty common though. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our families. :rolleyes:

[sasvermont]

Richard, I feel your pain. I have been responsible for my Mom for years. I won't go in to the details beyond the fact that I know it is stressful, at best.

My Mom is now in an assisted living situation and it is much easier on me and much better for her. I know that everyone thinks it's better to be at home, with "loved ones" when you are older, but that is not always the best arrangement. My Mom has great care now and is constantly around caretakers and other older ladies. When she was at home with me, I went to work each day, leaving her alone and then would struggle to take care of her needs in the evening.

I did get the local agency on aging involved with my Mom since if something happened to me, she would be on her own!:eek: The process was filled with copies of documents, and they must be updated each year. I am her advocate and no longer her caretaker...... I have the power to write checks out of her bank to pay for her care etc. There is not much left over after all her bills for care and medications, but that's all she needs at this point.

I know it may seem like this is never ending....I still feel this way from time to time. I didn't sign up for this, but that is the way life is sometimes.

You are not alone with this struggle if you get some help with her. There are a few agency in nearly every community. They see cases like yours and your Mom's, all the time.

I have an older sister who has her own struggles these days, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my Mom. So it all rests on my shoulders.

The caretakers often comment about my Mom and how nice she is ..... and it makes me feel guilty about having her there. Deep down in my heart, I know she is safer and more socialized in the assisted living place.

Good luck. Chin up. Ask for help from the agencies, if you can.

Fondly,
SAS:love:

[moosmom]

I feel your pain, big guy. I got stuck caring for my Dad who drank 24/7 and keeping a job as a paralegal. It's tough. I have one brother. I called him many times after he told me to call him if I needed anything. Those were only words and that's all he ever gave me were words. I did everything for my father for 2 1/2 years. I was as resentful of him as you are to your siblings, RICHARD. If you ever feel like talking, I'll email you with my cellphone. I've got a new plan where I can call anywhere, anytime and talk for as long as I want.

[RICHARD]

Thanks to you all, Please, please please do not hesitate to comment.

IT's nice to know that there are people who have fought the same battles. It is not a 'brotherhood' that there is any medals, ceremonies, plaque awarded or someone that will pat you on the back at the end and say, "Good Job, Bucky!"

I know that what ever happens, I can say that I did my best and have no regrets. My only problem was/is expecting my sibs to 'man up'.

My dad had a saying, "Yo conosco me gente" -"I know my people" and it rings so true at the moment.

I am doomed either way. It would not help to set up meetings with my brothers and sisters. They will not/do not care.

IF I were passing out checks or money? DIfferent story.

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The one thing that I have had with my mom is quality time, that is the reason that I am in better shape than I thought I was in.

When I lost my job-in Sept of 06-I took some time to reflect. I put aside all the frivolous things in my life and started to live! I knew that time with my mom was important and put that as one of the things that I wanted to do-not for any specific reason, but to enjoy and live for once.

Ma jokes that it was like being married. We fought, laughed, argued and made up. I'd go home after a fight to come back a few hours later, LOL, Ed would go to the door and scream to go to her house. Who am I do deny him a simple pleasure? She'd say. "Are you back?" and we'd laugh and carry on.

Again, I am not the perfect person and didn't look to endear myself to her for any special reason or gain. It wasn't a job or labor. It's just the way things are to me.

I have shared many good times and secrets with my mom. We'd talk for hours and I know things about my sibs that would make them mad-and I know the reasons why they act that way toward my mom.

One of the saddest things about all the time we spent together was her lament about "having two daughters who don't give a shiat".

What did she want from them? A visit? A phone call or dropping off a lunch without the attached, "Oh did you hear about" or "I need money!". Mom lamented the fact that they never lifted a finger or made any attempt to come over and do anything for her.

MY SIL asked me about why I had such animosity towards my sis and I was thinking back about all she has said and done.

My sis got private school until her last year of high school, her nursing school paid for, and my parents bought a house and let her and her hubby live rent free for years! When there were repairs needed, they called my parents to fix them and never offered to pick up the costs....I do blame my parents for that-sis was daddy's girl, and could do no wrong.

I got her a job at the hospital where I worked, she took a position at the emergency desk and later quit because there wasn't enough action there. She went back years later and ended up always pushing other people's wrong buttons.

And now that I have unloaded on you poor folks, I thought about why I do not have a good relationship with her.

Since high school my sis has always been at odds with people. She has always either been threatened, about to be jumped/assaulted or paranoid about something.

When she went back to work at the facility where I first got her a job, she would call me to find out if I knew certain people who worked there. She was having problems with them and had to get an escort to her car at night. She finally transferred to another facility where she at odds, again, with people that I knew. She'd call me to find out what she could about them and I finally told her that she should just plain quit.

Another point of contention was the facility where I worked. There were always rumors about the place closing, not being fit after the 94 earthquake and all kinds of other whisperings in the air. She'd call me and say, "I heard they were closing Panorama City!" I'd laugh at her and say that I would believe it when I saw it in writing. That was her attempt at trying to say that she knew more about my job than I did. Plus I think she was jealous that I put in so many years at one facility and was known and liked by so many people. She always mention that she talked to a person, asked if they knew me and they would tell her stories of the hijinks and times I had worked with them.

Today, PC has been retrofitted and is has a new 40 million dollar facility attached to it.
So much for her rumors and gossip.
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I don't know how much a regular psych would cost me, but I am appreciative that you guys are listening and supportive. I really appreciate it.

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Thanks for all the suggestions about outside help. If the situation were a little different I'd go for it.

I am hesitant to do so for the fact that if my sister will make statements about me hitting my mom. What would/could she say in front of strangers?

She also accused me of drinking too much. I love my spirits but this is a real test of who I am and facing reality straight.

To tell you the truth, I could really stand to sit down and get rocked off my ever loving arse. But, that won't do me any good. Maybe in the past I would have considered it, but I don't have that luxury now, not that it's an option-I just have to be able to think with a clear head.

That, and I have to deal with vindictive, nasty people who do not have a bit of common sense.

My goal is to make it through whatever happens and not have any doubts, regrets or second thoughts.

I can and do wake up in the morning and am able to look in the mirror without any problems. I pray that my sibs can do the same.:(


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I also want to thank everyone that has offered me the "phone a friend" option, I will use them eventually but am paranoid to get on the phone for any length of time.

[jazzcat]

I hope this thread and being able to unload a bit is helping. I know just typing it out has helped me before.

Wow Richard, you really are on a lower rung of the ladder, aren't you? I've been dealing with elder parent care for many years now but the one thing I can say is my siblings have for the most part stepped up to help even though they don't live nearby. I think I would have already gone postal if I had to deal with siblings like yours. WOW! :eek:

Don't get me wrong, I have my gripes - especially with my sister the nurse. What is it with nurses? She has helped and has been there for emergencies but when it comes to visiting Dad there always seems to be an excuse. She lives about three hours away and even though she could make trips to the same town to visit her husband's aunt, she would often not even let Dad know she was in town. To her credit she did just go through two horrible months where they moved her husband's dying aunt into their home and she cared for her around the clock until the end which was just three weeks ago today. Now that the aunt is gone it will be even harder to get her down to visit Dad but I'm hoping her experience with the aunt will have changed her view on Dad. Fingers crossed.

BTW, I'm the baby of the family. There is a 19 year span between the oldest brother and me. My parents had me in their mid 40s and it seems I've spent most my life taking care of one or both of them. I can remember spending my 8th summer standing by my mother's bed holding her hand and her barf bucket as she suffered with severe vertigo/dizzy attacks caused by Meniere's Disease. I remember at the end of the summer my parents gave me a $100 bill and put it in a savings account for me for all my hard work. (That really stuck with me - I was so proud). I digress.

Anyway, my oldest brother lives several states away but he is has been great. He pays for my Dad's hired caretaker, has paid to send my Dad and I or my Dad and my sister to go visit my other brother (we don't go visit the paying brother because his wife is a vindictive LOON! - there isn't enough space on the internet to tell about her). Plus that brother has been pretty good about helping me on the phone with issues with Dad. He's the one I get Dad to listen to about "man" things like riding the lawn mower, using power tools and not driving the car.

My other brother is helpful and is the one I'm the closest to in the family but he has his own health issues from MS and I hate to bother him too much. He does his part though.

My main gripe would be that I think my siblings tend to ignore me and blow me off because they think I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm a panic person. Also they say that Dad is happiest in his home and they want to keep him there as long as possible and that if he dies on his lawn mower or in his woodworking shop then he died happy. Well I hate to burst their balloon but if something happens to Dad on the mower or with power tools he probably won't die quickly, it will probably be a long painful ordeal and I know I will be the one to deal with it, not them!

I think I could just deal with this better if my siblings would offer me a break. I have been caring for Dad nonstop since my Mom died over four years ago and I was taking care of both of them for a couple years before that. The only breaks I have gotten have been for a few days when Dad went with my sis to my brothers and when Dad has gone up to visit sis at Thanksgiving and Easter each year - and that was just for a few days and I had to drive him up half way and go back to pick him up so technically I only got a day or two without dealing with Dad - that sucks! Even on the days I don't drive down and spend with him I'm on the phone with him several times a day. Every single night I call him at 11 pm for pill check and bed check. I would love it if I could just get a month off where I didn't have to call him except to say "Hi" if I wanted to. No pill check, no "did you drink your nutritional drink today", no trying to straighten out whatever he's confused about today and none of his "telling" on the caretaker. Just a good ole break!!!

Richard, I'm glad you started this. I will be back with my rants and gripes.

[Freedom]

Richard, I am so sorry. The hard part is, mom is contributing to this mess. Sigh.

My Dad lives with me, and I handle all his care. He has been to the lawyer, has all the documents in place. If something happens to me, my cousin steps in; NOT my brother. I'm not sure my brother even knows. (He's been told, but whether it stuck is another thing entirely.)

I often wish I could ask bro for help. It has been hard to face the fact that I am on my own with all this. He only lives 4 miles away. Three weeks back, Dad fell during the night, took care of himself and didn't call me. Next morning I found out because I saw all the blood on the floor (head wounds are notorious for bleeding!) As I'm cleaning up, I twisted funny and hurt my back. So now Dad needed lunch. Dad called bro and asked him to pick up salads at McD's. Bro "said" OK, but then decided not to do so. Meantime, Dad took his insulin shot. Long story short, Dad passed out and we all went to the ER, Dad by ambulance. Where Bro informed everyone this was MY fault; I should have had protein bars in the house or had Dad call pizza delivery, not HIM, HE isn't food delivery service!:rolleyes:

I get a LOT of support from the senior center in our city, there is a social worker, nurse, and elder care information specialist available. Now with the vascular dementia diagnosis, I am also getting lots of help from the Alzheimer's Assn. This stuff is all free, so check around if there is something available to you. I also attend a caregiver's support group, at least once per month. What is said in there stays in there, and there are many family issues discusses in addition to the health care of the 'patient.' Again, all free.

Think carefully before seeking a guardian ad litem. All mom's money / assets could well be spent on lawyer fees, court fees and guardian costs. NO ONE in the family will have a say in anything once a guardian is appointed. Give input, perhaps, depends on the person, but the ultimate decision is out of the family's control.

I had posted about a resource for those caring for someone with either a chronic, or a terminal, condition, to maintain contact without phoning umpteen relatives and friends. You type in the latest info and that is it. They can sign up if they want (it is free) and then they get notice when you post something. May have helped with the bro who didn't know mom was moved from the hospital to a nursing home, not sure. If they don't want to give you their email addy, that is fine, you don't need it. You just let them know the site is there, it is up to them to log on. It is www.caringbridge.org

I hope some of this helps!

[Karen]

I cared for and helped out my Great Aunt Bertha a lot in her final years. The saddest, saddest saddest thing ever was when she said quietly to me, "Maybe it would be better if I never had (step)children. Then I wouldn't expect them to care or visit."

It could have broken your heart.

But she had us, anyway - Ma was her eldest niece, Bertha was Ma's youngest Aunt - and the only one shorter than Ma was. So they were always buddies, and consequently we were, too.

To give you a grin:

All my mother's children ended up taller than her. So when we'd pick on her about being short, she'd say "Yes, but I'm taller than Aunt Bertha!"

Whereas Aunt Bertha, when discussing height - she was the shortest of 8 siblings - would say "Yes, but I'm taller than Mrs. Schwartz!"

She said that to me one day, and I said "Mrs. Schwarts of Schwartz hardware? I've met her, she's taller than me ..." (and 20 years older, as well), and Aunt Bertha said "No, her mother-in-law - Mr. Schwartz's mother, she was only (indicated about eyebrow height on herself) this tall!"

[RICHARD]

Well,

I have to say that there are many of us that do jobs that our hearts do not let us go undone.

You all are good people and you know what it's like to swim against the tide.

Good work, You probably don't need to hear that, but it is nice to be noticed for doing it.

About the 'food delivery service' my littlest bro and sis were always doing that and it worked in reverse. I'd cook up a meal and they would walk in to her house with some fast food or something else.

Instead of calling to save a trip or to make sure that she was already eating they would take it upon themselves to bring her food. I am not mad about it-but I'd got to be a hassle because I'd freeze what ever I was cooking and mom would refuse to eat leftovers! :p


--------------

The brother next to me is sometimes a pain in my arse and a great guy. We fight and argue about all kinds of things but in the end he's a good guy.

He took my sis to task about what she said to me the other day-this afternoon he came in to discuss the lawyer and will.

BTW, Thanks to you all for the suggestions for lawyers, social workers and other things.

Because of his old job he was able to secure help from a former coworker for everything we need. This isn't the first time that people we have worked with have gone ahead and offered help at little or no cost to us.

------------------------

We also discussed what role my big sis would play in the process.
LOL, she called my bro and told him she'd be back next week and he should call her if we needed anything.

She didn't leave her cell number or anyway to get a hold of her. I guess if we yell loud enough she can hear about it in Minnesota.

Yestetday she was going to arrange for a priest to go visit her. She then turned around, gave the job to my SIL and never showed up at the time she was supposed to.

Since she didn't show up for the lawyer or priest meetings we called her about the news, to keep her in the loop. After the convo I handed the phone to my SIL and she said to her, "Did you call the priest, what did he say?" MY SIL described what happened and sis told her "Oh, that's great, you did good girlfriend, you go!"

That subject came up today-she called my bro and SIL last nigh to let them know that she was leaving and "was there if we needed her..."

THey then told me that they should watch out for me that she thought that I was going to commit suicide. She then went into a spiel about how she knew me really well and that I was going to kill myself before she came back from her vacation!

I am going to make it a priority to outlive that biatch. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!!!:confused::D

My brother then told her that since we had worked together on and off for the past three years that it was pretty unlikely that it would happen. I guess that it didn't go over very well that he knew me better that the prodigal sister.
;)


I am still laughing about it!

The one 'saving grace' is my brother and SIL are getting tired of her and are beginning to see that it's going to be us doing the heavy lifting when all is said and done.

So, some good news today! And there is tomorrow.

Again, just gotta hang tough!

---------

Hey,

Sometimes,when things go badly, stop and think about that ladder and thank your lucky stars you are not further down on the rungs.

It's all a matter of perspective!;)

[Catty1]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.

HUGS

[RICHARD]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.



Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.


About my sis, I do not want to dismiss her. She thinks that she's a tough cookies and I am the one that will crumble...Now it's coming down to the person standing at the end. All this does is give me the strength to get thru the whole process and should it ever come up, I'll be more than happy to remind her about what she did and didn't do.

But isn't that what a conscience is for?;)

[Bengalz]

Richard,

I just wanted to let you know that although we don't know each other I respect your feelings in this situation and am very sad for you to have to endure such stress at a time when the most important issue is your Mom's health and her well being. Throughout this thread is an underlying emotion - your wish for your Mom's time to be quality time.

My wish for you is that you have the strength within to maintain that emotion in priority and focus on your spending that quality time with your Mom. We only get one chance to do that and I would hate for your heart to break because it didn't happen the way you wanted it to.

Your siblings are dealing with their emotions in a different way and I see it as interference - misguided perhaps, but certainly draining your resources. Listen to your instincts and follow your heart and let them make their own choices.

I wish you the best and hope you can spend many special moments with your Mom. Take care and please don't let others get the better of you.

Hugs, Betty

[jazzcat]

Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.


I think you nailed it! My sister the nurse has always been the last one any of us in the family turn to for compassion because she seems so put out with us and cuts us short. She's always made us feel like were just complainers or hypochondriacs. That always upset my Mom and even my Dad before the dementia got worse (now he doesn't see my sister rolling her eyes or hear her sarcasm when he talks about how his knee hurts for the 10th time).

I know she'll be there in a serious crisis but when it comes to the day to day complaints and ailments of an elderly parent she just tunes them out.

It's a lot like my husband. He is a computer programmer/database admin. and works on computers all day but when I have a problem with my computer at home it's like pulling teeth to get him to look at it. I understand but if I need help, I need help - with my computer or with my Dad.

Apparently my life's profession is parent caretaker so I guess I'm helping my siblings with my expertise every day. :D Trying to be positive here. :p

~~~

Richard, I spent a lot of good times with my Mom before she died. We shared lots of secrets and really, she was my best friend. I know our talks and time together made her happy too and that is something I will have with me forever. When I think of my Mom those are the things that I remember first and not the spats with siblings about visiting more, etc. I can tell you I know a couple of my siblings have had real regrets about cutting a visit short, not visiting more often or not calling more. Those are the kinds of things you and I don't have to live with.

[RICHARD]

For the last two weeks i have had problems going to sleep, the overnight coverage of the Oympics did not help. I'd stay up unitl 4-5 in the morning.

Since I started this thread I have been able to close my eyes and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Last night I slept all the way thru. I just had to wake up for a blanket.

LOL, I never thought of using PT as a sleep aid!;)


Thanks again for all your kind words. Do not feel sorry or sad for me. I mentioned that I went thru a six month period where we lost 3,000+ people on 9/11, I lost my dad, my GF, two car engines and other things during that time in 2001-02.

I lost my faith in man, the father figure in my life, Love in my life and a way to commute in life.:confused:

But, I never lost my faith-I don't carry a religious ideal in my life. I do believe in good and evil, high times, down times and the thought that tomorrow is a new day.

Don't think that I am stronger than you would be in my situation. I have fears and doubts, I'm scared and trying to be brave. I am really strong and weak, all at the same time.

I have alway thought about how I (and everyone else) got lucky and ended up where we are-in a failry decent place, a good country with many good things for us.

One of the things that I really do appreciate is the care that we can offer our loved ones who fall ill. Take a second to think about the places in the world where a doctor visit is not just once a month or year. medicine can help and heal and a night in a hospital is a blessing, not a dream.

It's all relevant and again a matter of perspective.

I keep going back to that point because it's been a way to keep me from buckling under the pressure. If there are people who fold under much "easier"
situations, what does that say about me?


I cannot say it enough, thanks friends!

[Daisy and Delilah]

After reading all this thread, I have to say something to you, Richard. I hope you can take a compliment. You are one he11 of a good man!!! Everything you stand for is for the good of your Mom and to be the best person you can be at all times. I know I'm not alone in saying, I admire and respect you very much. Although we've never met, it would be an honor and a pleasure to meet you some day.
Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep praying that your entire family can come together and be on the same ground.

I am so fortunate that I have my brother and sister all the way in monitoring my Mother's care. Her memory is failing at times. She's undergoing tests for Alzheimer's. At this point, we're not sure where she really is. Not only my siblings but my children. We have all formed a "network" with phone calls, emails, and, visits to monitor her every move. It works beautifully. I really hope that you guys have the same thing before too long. It's so hard for everybody but it's like a marriage, everyone needs to do their part. The weak links make it hard for everybody.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[catland]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

People are who they are, for better or worse, and situations like these usually bring out the worse.:eek:

Eventually, it will be their loss.

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

For all of you *hoping* that someone will step up and help out - well, I've been told that hope does spring eternal. :rolleyes: You have to get cranky and tell them, I need you to come over to give me a day off - what day works for you? Then call them up and remind them. Easier said than done I know, but sometimes people aren't mean, they are just clueless. If you are related to one of the clueless ones than you might have a chance.

Oh, and also, don't expect the non-punctual ones in the family to suddenly get religion and decide to start showing up on time. That ain't gonna happen either.

[RICHARD]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.



SO friggen true!



As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.



CL,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I can guess that you bring over one of mom's special treats, stay and do dishes and not rush off ofter you finish eating!:) When my dad was 'going' mentally there were times where he was not allowed to drink excess amounts of water because of his dialysis. There were times that I'd go over with a mixed drink or a shot in a glass and give him a "hit" my mom would yell at me and I'd tell her that a shot would not kill him....and it didn't! I do remember the knowing look on his face when i'd hold up the glass, just out of mom's view, and he'd give me the head nod! It wasn't a whole bottle of booze or anything like that......Why deny someone a taste of everyday life?

-------------

I had always suspected that Ma was looking for her daughters to come over and do a small favor for her.....They really hurt my chances to do some good for her. THe last few years I'd offer to take her to lunch and she'd get ticked off when I pursued the thought, "I don't like the way you drive!" was the stock answer. But I realized just recently that she didn't want to get ready because she thought I WOULD CRAP OUT ON HER!:(

One of the last times we went shopping (I had to drag her out of the house almost!) we went to a Target store. I finished my shopping while she roamed around with her purchases- It took me a half hour to find her and we ended that trip having a hotdog, coke and munchies in the food court at the front of the store. That was a fun time!

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public! We were in the cat department of a Big Lots store and she started in on the Edster and how he had knocked down some stuff she had in her house during one of our visits! She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Thanks for telling us about your Thursdays!

[lizbud]

I am sorry that you are going through all this.:( Life is hard sometimes
even in good times, but not having a united family behind you in the bad
times, makes things harder than ever.:(

My only advice would be calling the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116
and ask what services are available in your area. ( eldercare.gov ) on the web.

We hired a Attorney (worth every penny) who specialized in Eldercare & she
really guided us thru the process of finding a super assisted living place &
also helped get all of Mom's money matters (bills,bank accounts,etc) in
shape.

[Pam]

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public!

She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.



Oh Richard you have me laughing now. This is along the same lines. I always accompanied my mom to her doctor visits. One day we were at the urologist (she had a little bladder problem) and it was just Mom, me and another elderly lady about Mom's age and that woman's daughter. The other lady was given a new patient information sheet to fill out and the daughter was asking her the questions as the woman either couldn't see well enough to write or couldn't write legibly. You could hear a pin drop in the waiting room. At one point the woman said to her mom "I'm checking yes here to the question as to whether you have diabetes." At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into. :o

[RICHARD]

At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into. :o

You got me laughing now!

IF that had happened to me I would have leaned into my mom's space and said something like, "Well, your hearing is o.k.!";)

[jazzcat]

LOL, Pam that is so funny. I noticed with both my parents that with age and loss of hearing came some very embarrassing moment for me. My Mother wasn't so bad but oh boy has my Dad left me red faced and apologizing. He likes to go to Shoney's and have the soup bar and even though I always do the walking to get his soup he always tells them to seat him next to the buffet bar. It never fails, some unsuspecting overweight lady will get a big plate of food and as she walks by he'll say something like "look at how that's piled up, no wonders she's so large". :o

I'll never forget sitting in Cracker Barrel with him and a middle aged lady with extremely large, frizzy permed hair from the 80s sat down across from us. In a whisper so loud you could hear in the next town he said "look at that lady, her hair looks like a stump full of granddaddies". As I tried to shut him up quietly he again in a loud whisper said "what? I just wanted you to see that hair, don't know when it's seen a comb". :o:rolleyes:

That is just a couple of his zingers and don't even get me started on him going up to the soft drink dispenser at a fast food restaurant to wash his hands. He doesn't do that one in front of me because he knows I'll fuss at him but he does it with the caretaker. He says it's too far to walk to the restroom and I told him if he was that bad maybe it's time to check out a nursing home. That makes him fly straight for a while.

[catland]

On one of my visits, about a month before my mom had to be moved to foster care, my dad had made a beef stew for dinner. This was right about the time when mealtimes were becoming kind of hit or miss for her. Utensils were starting to become strangers to her and you didn't know if she would like something or just want to go back into the living room to be left alone.

Well, for what ever reason, she was really enjoying the beef stew and was just gobbling it up. My dad was so happy. Her bowl was almost empty so he grabbed it, got some more stew in it, and placed the bowl back down in front of her without her noticing and she continued to eat the stew. He and I just kind of winked at each other and smiled. :love:

[Pam]

LOL, Pam that is so funny. I noticed with both my parents that with age and loss of hearing came some very embarrassing moment for me. My Mother wasn't so bad but oh boy has my Dad left me red faced and apologizing. He likes to go to Shoney's and have the soup bar and even though I always do the walking to get his soup he always tells them to seat him next to the buffet bar. It never fails, some unsuspecting overweight lady will get a big plate of food and as she walks by he'll say something like "look at how that's piled up, no wonders she's so large". :o

I'll never forget sitting in Cracker Barrel with him and a middle aged lady with extremely large, frizzy permed hair from the 80s sat down across from us. In a whisper so loud you could hear in the next town he said "look at that lady, her hair looks like a stump full of granddaddies". As I tried to shut him up quietly he again in a loud whisper said "what? I just wanted you to see that hair, don't know when it's seen a comb". :o:rolleyes:

That is just a couple of his zingers and don't even get me started on him going up to the soft drink dispenser at a fast food restaurant to wash his hands. He doesn't do that one in front of me because he knows I'll fuss at him but he does it with the caretaker. He says it's too far to walk to the restroom and I told him if he was that bad maybe it's time to check out a nursing home. That makes him fly straight for a while.

LOL! You have me laughing! I bet we could write a book!

[catland]

Here's one for the book.

When my mom was talking about HER children, and my dad was trying to reason with her (never a good idea), he was explaining that we were his children too. (sidenote - my mom allways instilled in us the values of marriage and fidelity)

My mom paused - tried to make sense of what he said, and came up with the only reasonable explanation.

"well then, I must have had a lot of affairs.:rolleyes::rolleyes:"

[RICHARD]

Dad used to sit down to eat-He loved his buffets!- and would prepare his coffee.

If there wasn't a clean spoon on the table he'd reach into his pocket and pull out a pen to stir it up....

THAT would ice my mom sooooooo badly!

The running joke for us was if I served her a cup, with no spoon, she'd ask me for a pen to stir it!

------------------------


Now, on to the another problem I have.

IT's my nephew who lives in my mom's house. He's 26 years old and I really cannot trust him.

He came to live with mom about three years ago-he lived with another nephew and was told to move out because of his attitiude and the way he leaves stuff around the house.

Here are some examples of his habits.
The toilet got plugged up from his blowing his nose and tossing all the paper into the bowl-sometimes he doesn't bother to flush it.
He ended up getting on his computer-which has a dialup modem and SOMEHOW 400 dollars of charges were billed to her phone -He then stated that he thought that I may have run up the bill-I am DSL and I don't even have a phone in my house.

Groceries?
Mom and I would buy bottled water-she doesn't like tap water- he'd come pick up a few bottles and drink them.

In all that time, he has bought groceries maybe three times and water twice.

My mom is very adamant about complaining about who eats what in her home. Since I did most/all of the cooking for the past few years I'd shop and store all the groceries in her house.

I'd buy bread, sandwich meat, cheese and things for a quick lunch- I'd go over and ask mom if she wanted a sandwich, go into the fridge and see one slice of cheese and a package of meat that was starting to get hard-he's gone thru made sandwiches-but he doesn't bother to seal the packages -his thing is cheese. I'd pick up the block style cheese, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches, toss the package back into the fridge and not bother with the rest of it because the end got hard because it was exposed to the air.

He's considerate enough to leave the last piece of bread in bag for us.

----------------------

This kid will not eat anything cooked - mom would always ask my brother -I wouldn't do it because she was creating a fastidious little AH- to bring him frozen food/burritos. I balked because when I was growing up I ate what the whole family ate. I eat pretty much anything - I am just glad to have a bite to eat.

In the evenings he would walk thru the house, go into the kitchen and start 'cooking'. a few minutes later he would walk out with nothing in his hands. I could never figure out what was going on until one day i looked out my door and was able to see him eating over the sink in my mom's kitchen.
No dishes to wash-paper plates and napkins. I do not remember ever sitting down at a table for a meal with him in attendance.

-------------

I got into a yell-a-thon with him a few minutes ago.

In all the time he has lived there he has been leaving and coming back days later. He stays with his girl friends and guy pals.

Since mom went to the hospital he splits without letting anyone know. Before that he'd go out and come home more drunk that I could ever get-He's think nothing of coming home at 4 in the morning and so drunk he chould not get into the gate. I'd be sitting up with mom and he'd stumble into her house without a word. I guess when you are that effed up you can't talk, walk and open a door. He'd look at me, then mom and move on-nothing-not a word, hi, eff you !!!!

This past week he left on Sunday, didn't leave a note or message, he called Monday and said he'd be back on Tuesday, the then called last night at 8:30 and said he'd be back later on, He came home today, walked into the house. I was lying on the front room floor he looked at me, walked into his room and started unpacking his bag- he then walked back to where I was lying and walked past me without a word.


Need a breath.....LOL, I need to stop breathing!;)

[Medusa]

Dad used to sit down to eat-He loved his buffets!- and would prepare his coffee.

If there wasn't a clean spoon on the table he'd reach into his pocket and pull out a pen to stir it up....

THAT would ice my mom sooooooo badly!

The running joke for us was if I served her a cup, with no spoon, she'd ask me for a pen to stir it!

------------------------


Now, on to the another problem I have.

IT's my nephew who lives in my mom's house. He's 26 years old and I really cannot trust him.

He came to live with mom about three years ago-he lived with another nephew and was told to move out because of his attitiude and the way he leaves stuff around the house.

Here are some examples of his habits.
The toilet got plugged up from his blowing his nose and tossing all the paper into the bowl-sometimes he doesn't bother to flush it.
He ended up getting on his computer-which has a dialup modem and SOMEHOW 400 dollars of charges were billed to her phone -He then stated that he thought that I may have run up the bill-I am DSL and I don't even have a phone in my house.

Groceries?
Mom and I would buy bottled water-she doesn't like tap water- he'd come pick up a few bottles and drink them.

In all that time, he has bought groceries maybe three times and water twice.

My mom is very adamant about complaining about who eats what in her home. Since I did most/all of the cooking for the past few years I'd shop and store all the groceries in her house.

I'd buy bread, sandwich meat, cheese and things for a quick lunch- I'd go over and ask mom if she wanted a sandwich, go into the fridge and see one slice of cheese and a package of meat that was starting to get hard-he's gone thru made sandwiches-but he doesn't bother to seal the packages -his thing is cheese. I'd pick up the block style cheese, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches, toss the package back into the fridge and not bother with the rest of it because the end got hard because it was exposed to the air.

He's considerate enough to leave the last piece of bread in bag for us.

----------------------

This kid will not eat anything cooked - mom would always ask my brother -I wouldn't do it because she was creating a fastidious little AH- to bring him frozen food/burritos. I balked because when I was growing up I ate what the whole family ate. I eat pretty much anything - I am just glad to have a bite to eat.

In the evenings he would walk thru the house, go into the kitchen and start 'cooking'. a few minutes later he would walk out with nothing in his hands. I could never figure out what was going on until one day i looked out my door and was able to see him eating over the sink in my mom's kitchen.
No dishes to wash-paper plates and napkins. I do not remember ever sitting down at a table for a meal with him in attendance.

-------------

I got into a yell-a-thon with him a few minutes ago.

In all the time he has lived there he has been leaving and coming back days later. He stays with his girl friends and guy pals.

Since mom went to the hospital he splits without letting anyone know. Before that he'd go out and come home more drunk that I could ever get-He's think nothing of coming home at 4 in the morning and so drunk he chould not get into the gate. I'd be sitting up with mom and he'd stumble into her house without a word. I guess when you are that effed up you can't talk, walk and open a door. He'd look at me, then mom and move on-nothing-not a word, hi, eff you !!!!

This past week he left on Sunday, didn't leave a note or message, he called Monday and said he'd be back on Tuesday, the then called last night at 8:30 and said he'd be back later on, He came home today, walked into the house. I was lying on the front room floor he looked at me, walked into his room and started unpacking his bag- he then walked back to where I was lying and walked past me without a word.


Need a breath.....LOL, I need to stop breathing!;)

This is an easy one for me. Open the door, get behind your nephew, put your foot on his gluteus maximus and push! Then close the door and change the locks.

[RICHARD]

part two?

One of my other brothers was wild and crazy back when we were about my nephew's age.

When he was running around with his friends I told him if he got into trouble and was hurt or killed that I would not shed a tear for him......I guess it worked, he's still alive and kicking.

When I told my nephew this he kinda laughed and said that he wasn't worried.
The times I heard him come home and saw that he was so wasted that he could not walk I wondered what the people who drove him home were like.

I confronted him when he walked past me and told him, you aren't going to say anything? Because he is/was never told anything he immediately becomes defensive and starts to argue really stupid points.

I asked him why he doesn't call to check in or let us know where he is.

His response? I called you -twice to say he was coming home and then never shows up- He could be at the morgue or county jail for all I know when he pulls that shiat! He then turns it back on me that his number is on the caller I.D. and I should call him to get info. I laughed at him and told him I wasn't in the business of keeping track of him and it was up to him to respect my mom's house and me.

My family has this really stupid phone ethic that they cannot be bothered to make an extra call or make a 'decent' phone call-another reason that I don't have a phone and don't run to answer a ringing phone. Examples? My sis would call my mom and tell her she was having a party and that SHE should tell everyone to come.

Like,she can't call us individually and make the invite? The last time we hade a Christmas party I asked her what I should bring and she said, "Nothing!' Later on she complained that no one helped her with the expense of throwing the party-we helped her clean up and my GF at the time evn washed her effing dishes!

Another thing that happens is my sibs call to my mom's house and they always sound like it's a GD emergency, "MOM, pick up the phone, HELLO, HELLO!"

I told my nephew that it wasn't my job to keep track of him and it was his job to give us a courtesy call to let us know where he is. He seems to think that I should call him.

He also started to give me that BS line that he's out on job interviews. When he called last night-I heard the call on the machine but did not pick it up because he was already drunk and slurring his words. I didn't bother to answer it. I knew that he was partying with his pals.

A about two weeks ago he told me that he might be leaving - his other thing is leaving about 8-8:30 in the evening, saying he's coming back later on and shows up three days later! When 10:30 rolled around he hadn't left-so I went into the house and sat down to watch TV and keep my eye on things.

ON other occasions he's brought his friends into Ma's house, into his room and they stay up drinking until 12-1 in the morning. Mom had come to camp out on the sofa in the front room so having him and his friends parade thru the house was kinda inconsiderate.

Anyway, It was a few minutes after midnight when I heard a car pull up and the gate rattle, I went to the front door and there was a woman on the porch asking for him. I told her that it was late and if she knew what time it was. She asked for A and I told her to wait.....I had never seen this twit before and I sure wasn't going to invite her in. I went an got him.....he picked up his bag, walked out and didn't come back for a few days.

When I told him that if he wasn't going to call and make a courtesy call-other than the "i'll be home later" and never show up phone calls he should get out.


He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't working and just sat around all day.

I told him that I have worked for years already and it was none of his business.

I also told him that his computer was unplugged until I said it would be plugged back in.

------------

I guess what I need to know is if I am wrong for being such a hard arse on him.


I haven't asked for anything much in return.....Just for him to be considerate and he can stay in the house......

I am waiting for him to be out and get a call from the police or hospital.....I don't need that shiat and cannot and will not help him if he does get into a bind.

It's just another problem I do not need now.

[Medusa]

part two?

One of my other brothers was wild and crazy back when we were about my nephew's age.

When he was running around with his friends I told him if he got into trouble and was hurt or killed that I would not shed a tear for him......I guess it worked, he's still alive and kicking.

When I told my nephew this he kinda laughed and said that he wasn't worried.
The times I heard him come home and saw that he was so wasted that he could not walk I wondered what the people who drove him home were like.

I confronted him when he walked past me and told him, you aren't going to say anything? Because he is/was never told anything he immediately becomes defensive and starts to argue really stupid points.

I asked him why he doesn't call to check in or let us know where he is.

His response? I called you -twice to say he was coming home and then never shows up- He could be at the morgue or county jail for all I know when he pulls that shiat! He then turns it back on me that his number is on the caller I.D. and I should call him to get info. I laughed at him and told him I wasn't in the business of keeping track of him and it was up to him to respect my mom's house and me.

My family has this really stupid phone ethic that they cannot be bothered to make an extra call or make a 'decent' phone call-another reason that I don't have a phone and don't run to answer a ringing phone. Examples? My sis would call my mom and tell her she was having a party and that SHE should tell everyone to come.

Like,she can't call us individually and make the invite? The last time we hade a Christmas party I asked her what I should bring and she said, "Nothing!' Later on she complained that no one helped her with the expense of throwing the party-we helped her clean up and my GF at the time evn washed her effing dishes!

Another thing that happens is my sibs call to my mom's house and they always sound like it's a GD emergency, "MOM, pick up the phone, HELLO, HELLO!"

I told my nephew that it wasn't my job to keep track of him and it was his job to give us a courtesy call to let us know where he is. He seems to think that I should call him.

He also started to give me that BS line that he's out on job interviews. When he called last night-I heard the call on the machine but did not pick it up because he was already drunk and slurring his words. I didn't bother to answer it. I knew that he was partying with his pals.

A about two weeks ago he told me that he might be leaving - his other thing is leaving about 8-8:30 in the evening, saying he's coming back later on and shows up three days later! When 10:30 rolled around he hadn't left-so I went into the house and sat down to watch TV and keep my eye on things.

ON other occasions he's brought his friends into Ma's house, into his room and they stay up drinking until 12-1 in the morning. Mom had come to camp out on the sofa in the front room so having him and his friends parade thru the house was kinda inconsiderate.

Anyway, It was a few minutes after midnight when I heard a car pull up and the gate rattle, I went to the front door and there was a woman on the porch asking for him. I told her that it was late and if she knew what time it was. She asked for A and I told her to wait.....I had never seen this twit before and I sure wasn't going to invite her in. I went an got him.....he picked up his bag, walked out and didn't come back for a few days.

When I told him that if he wasn't going to call and make a courtesy call-other than the "i'll be home later" and never show up phone calls he should get out.


He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't working and just sat around all day.

I told him that I have worked for years already and it was none of his business.

I also told him that his computer was unplugged until I said it would be plugged back in.

------------

I guess what I need to know is if I am wrong for being such a hard arse on him.


I haven't asked for anything much in return.....Just for him to be considerate and he can stay in the house......

I am waiting for him to be out and get a call from the police or hospital.....I don't need that shiat and cannot and will not help him if he does get into a bind.

It's just another problem I do not need now.

See advice in above post.

Seriously, Richard, you're right, you don't need all that drama and aggravation. Remove as much stress from your life as you can. He's a major stress factor. Remove him.

[Catty1]

Involve your bro and SIL in this too. Put all his stuff out in boxes. Change the locks. Reserve a motel room for him and pay for the first night. Then he's on his own.

[Catsnclay]

Wow, I am so amazed at this whole thread........here I thought I was the ONLY one with a crazy family!! :eek::rolleyes:

I guess some of us would be wonderful canidates for the Jerry Springer show!!

As some of you know, my father has dementia (stage 3) and it all started to show about one year ago. Since then I have been through hell & back; learned a whole lot about my sister, mother and a lot of other family members that I thought that I knew. I am (still) learning about dementia, and I strongly urge you and anyone else that is gong through this to join a support group, they usually have one at the home or nearby hospitals. You will learn how to cope with your mother, family and YOU. You and your family members are going through all the stages of grief. Yes, grief - as in death. Dementia is a horrible disease that slowly kills your loved ones, you grieve now and through their entire disease and then again when they pass. It is not fun and I do not wish this on my worst enemy - and believe me, I am findiing out who they are very quickly!! :mad:

A little background about me & my 'wonderful' family:

I am the oldest and only have a sister who is 49, never been married only had one serious BF, blames all of her problems on my father & men. My mother does not help much, she & my father diviorced in 2002 after 48 years of (a horrible) marriage. They fought from the time they woke up till they went to bed - every day. The only time they didn't fight was in front of people, and they did this very well. My sister & I use to joke about their plastic faces they had at the front door. To know my parents you would think they had the perfect marriage, life, children etc. but close the doors and it was a living hell. My sister & I could do no right, we were losers and worthless. Good huh?! :rolleyes:

My sister has never really had a job......she claims to be a 'Make-up Artist' - she lived in LA for several years and did make-up, but never joined the union, so she lived hand-to-mouth-to mom slipping her money.

Now that she lives back in AZ she decided to become a 'Fashion Designer' she has a website and sells mostly lingere - but not the kind a normal person would wear (sorry I don't mean to offend anyone, but I hope you understand what I mean). So between her make-up jobs & few and far between clothing sales, she still relies on mom.

Oh, and the biggest kicker...........when my parents divorced my father got the house, my mother got the house my sister lives in (they paid cash for a house for her with the idea of her paying them rent - :p ) and my mother put the house in my sister's name (HUH???!!!!) then she bought another house for her. So, yes you read this right.......my parents divorce and my sister gets a house - free and clear. - :mad: -:eek: -:rolleyes:

The house was exactly 1 mile away from my father's house. The ONLY time my sister would go and see him was on her birthday, to collect the $100.00 bill he would give us. Never called when she found out he was sick, never stopped by (on her daily visits to Starbucks) to see if he needed anything, etc. She even told me that I was lying to her and he was not sick. She was in denial for many months. She never helped me move dad to his new facility, never helped me clean out his kitchen nor the rest of the house.........

BUT...........here she is now, in court trying to get Guardianship & Conservertorship away from me. We both had to go & get attorneys (and where do you think she got the money from?) to represent us. This is totally redicolous, stupid and a HUGE waste of time and money.

Actually she really doen't want anything to do with dad or his health, she is really after his money.


Surprised? :rolleyes:

[Catsnclay]

Part 2 (sorry, I am on a soapbox and will now step down and get to my point!! :p)

Richard, any everyone else: you need to get all of the Power's of Attorney, get their wishes either written down or on a video. You have now become the proud "parent" of your parent. Trust me, it is not a fun job. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and I am doing all I can to make sure he is in a safe place, with 3 meals a day, clean room and clean clothes.

You are going to find out who really loves your mom/dad and who is really just hanging around with thier hands out.

If you & your family memebers did not get along before dementia, you will really not get along now. Dementia does NOT bring a family together.

The fighting, name-calling et-all only gets worse. You will most likely never speak to these people ever again.

You know the saying "Illness brings the family closer..." that is NOT true.


Trust me - everything MUST be in writing or you too will wind up in court, and it get ugly - fast.

What you are doing is RIGHT and do not second guess yourself.

Richard- you ARE doing the right thing, and do not let your family tell you otherwise.

P.S.

Follow the advise of others about your nephew......boot his 26 year old arse out & change the locks. You do not need to deal with him, or anyone else right now.


OK - time for me to stop my rant. Sorry if I went on & on.

Good Luck!

Bunny

[RICHARD]

OK - time for me to stop my rant. Sorry if I went on & on.

Good Luck!

Bunny

I wish I only had a rant that went for only two posts.:p;)

My nephew told my bro and SIL that "He couldn't stay here tonight" called his buddy then went to my mom's bedside to tell her that I threw him out of the house.


I am totally screwed. I have the feeling that my bouts with my AH relatives have only started...I was worried about fighting with them and you know?

I don't care because I feel like I am telling the truth...and the truth is on my side.

[Medusa]

I wish I only had a rant that went for only two posts.:p;)

My nephew told my bro and SIL that "He couldn't stay here tonight" called his buddy then went to my mom's bedside to tell her that I threw him out of the house.


I am totally screwed. I have the feeling that my bouts with my AH relatives have only started...I was worried about fighting with them and you know?

I don't care because I feel like I am telling the truth...and the truth is on my side.

His going to your mom's bedside to say anything to her other than encouragement is sleazy. That's shameful. Deep breaths, Richard.

[jazzcat]

His going to your mom's bedside to say anything to her other than encouragement is sleazy. That's shameful. Deep breaths, Richard.

Amen to that!

What your back Richard.

[RICHARD]

But, sad to say, that's the way things are.

Why do I have to baby everyone with phone calls or info?

I was thinking about this and I am over it. My bro, SIL and me are in this for the long haul. Even tho there are moments of sheer panic it will be all right.

I have to laugh because someone will make a smart arse remark and I'll tell them, "Thanks for coming over and talking to me or offering some help or insight"

Then the indignation will start and they'll say, "You never asked!"

There I'll have my answer.


I should have asked.;)

-------------

I had a good talk with a social worker this P.M. A day at a time and hang tough!:)

[Catsnclay]

Glad you had that talk with the social worker...good first step!

it is really good to let them know EVERYTHING!! You may feel like you are droning on & on, but they do need to hear everything, and trust me they already know who are the 'good' guys Vs the bad ones.

Um......you DON'T have to answer to ANY one, nor 'baby' them - they are the ones that need to get out of the denial stage, not you.


BTW Richard, if you really want the full blown, play by play of my life, and trust me - you really don't want to hear it! :D - just let me know and i will give you a call......do you have all weekend to talk?!! :p

Hang tough, keep in touch - it will be the only way to stay sane, and no it's not to late for you!!!!!

The only 2 people you have worry about right now is you & your mother.

And in that order!! Your mother will not get any help if you are down!!! Stay tough and the answer to everything is - (now repeat after me.....).... NO!

[RICHARD]

Whew...Here we go, Again.

Where do I start?

My dear old sis came back from her second vacation. The hurricane cut it short. LOL, she deserved it.

I have to ask this.....Am I wrong for despising her?

I found out that the last time I spoke to her on the phone about her giving the financial details to my brother - She hung up on me because I called her a curse word! Actually her fragile paranoid ego THINKS I called her a curse word. I told her she was effing stupid. When she called she put me on a speaker phone, I asked her to take me OFF OF IT because I hate them and what I had to say to her was between us, I found out later that her husband, listening in on a speaker phone said that he didn't want that "SOB TO CALL HERE AGAIN.' MY sis told my brother that so I don't know how true the story is!

I really don't care. I'd rather be an SOB that some emotionally handicapped shell.

One of the reasons that I hold them in such low regard is from what I have seen and what I have heard about them. BIL was an LAPD cop (How? lol, I dun know!) and he would tell my mom and dad some of his war stories. He once told my dad, who was born in Mexico, this story.I wasn't there but I heard it from my mom and really do not doubt it happened because I heard other stories tinged the same way.

The LAPD has what's called a Special Order 40, which doesn't allow a PO to ask anyone what their resident status is.

So, when they pulled over people who didn't have a license or I.D. they were told to go to city hall and get one.

My dad did have a green card and later made citizen-he did tell me that he
that there were times that he felt uncomfortable around him, especially when he would tell about the stupid cruel things the po-po would do to citizens.

Anyway, she came back from vistiing my mom.

MY brother had arranged for a lawyer to come see her and sign a will and power of attorney. The woman drove a ways to get to my mom's bedside my mom backed down after agreeing to sign papers.

Sis, I should just call her Witch to cut thru the chase pulls up to the gate with my bro. She gets out of the car and says, "I have to talk to you!"

Typical effing drama queen fashion.......She'll never apologize to anyone (me) for being an effing liar and a stupid inconsiderate biatch. I was trimming some plants in the front yard so I stood up and said, "what do you want?"

"It's about mom she's distraught and she wants to talk to you." I have not gone to see my mom for a week. I am ticked off at her for another reason besides the latest 'lawyer incident'. When we asked her to meet with the first lawyer she did a few things that really hurt me, in front of him. He didn't realize it was happening so I didn't feel bad about that, but she was being rather uncooperative.

She won't work with us and is holding all the bad blood from the other kids against my bro, SIL and me. So, as long as she's doing failry well, I don't want to deal with her. SHe blames me for keeping her there, is mad about my nephew crying to her and about my little sister and brother because those F-wads keep showing up and asking her to sign papers.

What can I do? Nothing.

Going back to the Evil Biatch, THERE I CALLED HER A NAME!:D, She said that mom wanted to talk to me about some bills and stuff. Well, She says one thing, does another and blames me for crap I didn't, don't want and will never do.

I told the EW that I'd talk to mom tomorrow and I told her is that what you wanted?

She starts on her trip, "WELL, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER! She's crying and she is upset!" I laughed and told her that she had talked to her and I would let her know what I'd find out. I had to laugh because she walked into the yard-which she hadn't done for some years to confront me about this latest problem-And I told her that I wasn't going to call her house. I wanted to say that she was a liar and I didn't want Cro Magnon man to listen in on the conversations. I told her that I didn't appreciate her hanging up on me.

LOLOLOL, So here's the rub. My sister is a coward. Plain and simple. When confronted with the truth, she huffs and puffs and walks away-feigning hurt and using the tongue lashing with the truth as a reason for walking away and not confronting the issue!

She turned to me and said, "You cursed at me and even my husband doesn't do that!" I laughed and said that maybe that was what she needed, I also chased her with the line, "Walk away, D, you are a bigger woman than I'll ever be!"

Do I care? NOT really. She's always been a drama queen. She always has used someone telling the truth to get indignant and be offended.

She obviously can't handle the fact that mom is sick, she is a FA daughter and I have a handle on things. I know she wants to see me crash and burn and that ain't gonna happen.

TIme to take a break.:D

[Cinder & Smoke]

I have not gone to see my mom for a week.
I am ticked off at her for another reason besides the latest 'lawyer incident'.

She won't work with us and is holding all the bad blood from the other kids
against my bro, SIL and me.
So, as long as she's doing failry well, I don't want to deal with her.
She blames me for keeping her there ...

What can I do?

Time to take a break. :D

RICHARD ~

Please don't ignore your Mom.
She's elderly, and her mind doesn't always function clearly ...
When she's confused, the words don't come out right ...
Don't hold that against her ...

Give her a *Kiss* and a {{{Hug}}} while you remember the GOOD Times.

;)

[RICHARD]

RICHARD ~

Please don't ignore your Mom.
She's elderly, and her mind doesn't always function clearly ...
When she's confused, the words don't come out right ...
Don't hold that against her ...

Give her a *Kiss* and a {{{Hug}}} while you remember the GOOD Times.

;)

Thanks, it just kills me, but I have to take a break- I don't need anymore drama and getting my hopes up for a hand when all I get is a finger.

Talked to the doc today and got some good news so it's not all bad.

Thanks to you all again!:D

[Cinder & Smoke]

I have to take a break ...

Talked to the doc today and got some good news so it's not all bad.


Good News is GOOD!

OK, break's over ...

Let's go deliver a few Big {{{Mom'sHugs}}}!
;)

[Medusa]

Good News is GOOD!

OK, break's over ...

Let's go deliver a few Big {{{Mom'sHugs}}}!
;)

I second that emotion. ;)

[RICHARD]

I second that emotion. ;)

DONE!

Had a nice time, watched her eat lunch and made a date for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Her broncos are playing my raid-duhs on the opener, Dinner is on me and I can't wait!;)

[Medusa]

DONE!

Had a nice time, watched her eat lunch and made a date for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Her broncos are playing my raid-duhs on the opener, Dinner is on me and I can't wait!;)

Atta boy! :)

[Cinder & Smoke]

Let's go deliver a few Big {{{Mom'sHugs}}}!
;)




DONE!

Had a nice time, made a date for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Dinner is on me and I can't wait! ;)

:) :)
:)

Now, don'cha feel a LOT Better?

I'l bet MOM feels better. :D

Good on'ya, RICHARD!! ;)

[Catty1]

COOL! WAY TO GO!

And the wittle envelope heading your way has 'sharing' stuff too. :D Hopefully by end of next week, beginning of next.

[jennielynn1970]

Awe... see, that's good that you did that. I'm glad that things are better with you and your mom.

Hope she keeps feeling better!!

[RICHARD]

Update?

I have found out that most of my worries are promoted by the people who I trust in and the people who are distant are the ones I can count on.

-----

My older sister, ever the drama queen, reported that a worker at the home had 'dumped ice water' on my mom one night. She called my other brother to say that the owners of the rehab center were investigating.

"Mom was crying all day and is really distraught."

Distraught-that is the key word in the witch's vocabulary. When my brother told me this I hadn't heard anything about it. I told him that it probably was an accident and not to worry. My mother always 'cries' after my sister talks to her. I found out later that this was the story, it was all an accident and nothing more came of it.

I also have a little problem with my SIL. She has let me down, big time and isn't woman enough to admit that she's not playing on 'the team'.

--------

I had a nice long talk with my little brother yesterday and that is where I found some support and more than enough common sense.:)

[jazzcat]

Ah yes, the family drama! I know how you feel Richard. My SIL is... well I can't say on this family forum but anyway she causes me the most grief. I recently found out from my Dad's neighbor that SIL called her (the neighbor is a florist and SIL was ordering flowers for a funeral) and she told the neighbor that they (brother and SIL) pay me to care for my Dad and that I don't take good care of him so she is going to move him to where they live and put him in a nursing home since I just cash in while he suffers. The neighbor luckily knows SIL is a nut but she still called me to ask me to never lever SIL get her hands on Dad.

BTW, no one pays me to care for my Dad. I get no money for it and in fact it costs me money in gas and in time because I can't work because I never know when Dad will need me. Burns me up to think she has told people who know me that she pays me to do it!

She lies about everything. Did I tell the one where she told people where her daughter attended school that she and my brother bought the Giant Pandas at the National Zoo in D.C. from China and donated them to the zoo? Or that she was Miss TN years ago? Those are just a few of the millions of lies she tells. Nut job I tell you!!!! Hehe, hubby wanted to get her a stuffed panda with a Miss Tennessee banner across it for Christmas that year.

[RICHARD]

BTW, no one pays me to care for my Dad. I get no money for it and in fact it costs me money in gas and in time because I can't work because I never know when Dad will need me. Burns me up to think she has told people who know me that she pays me to do it!

She lies about everything.

Nice to know that evil doesn't just hang out in one spot.

Ugh. I have to laugh.

I am not going to go into details. but it really sucks when it comes to money.

You can tell the level of a-holery goes up when dead presidents come into the picture.

People use money to try and control the situation. When all is said and done you will sleep the sleep of the innocent.

I has a convo with my other brother and he told me that he sleeps with no problems and often dreams of my dad.

My dad is there to remind him to keep going.

We laughed because he said that he had no problems with that.

After, he asked me if I was relaxed.

YEP,
We have to be. When the poop happens we have to be the foundation for whatever happens. Otherwise our incompetent, lazy, fabricating, lost relatives won't have anyone to tell them where to meet or what to do.

I have to laugh.:D:mad::rolleyes:

[jazzcat]

I has a convo with my other brother and he told me that he sleeps with no problems and often dreams of my dad.

My dad is there to remind him to keep going.


I have a dream about my Mom every single morning right before I wake up. The dream is always different but she's there and sometimes I acknowledge that she's been gone for four years and sometimes it's like she's never been gone. This has been happening for the past few weeks. Maybe she's reminding me to keep going. I hadn't thought of it like that. Thanks. :)

[RICHARD]

I have a dream about my Mom every single morning right before I wake up. The dream is always different but she's there and sometimes I acknowledge that she's been gone for four years and sometimes it's like she's never been gone. This has been happening for the past few weeks. Maybe she's reminding me to keep going. I hadn't thought of it like that. Thanks. :)


How can your mom ever leave if you have her in your heart?;)

[CountryWolf07]

Wow, I can only pray for you, Richard, I know, things will work out in the end, as it always does in life.

Now this has gotten me a little bit concerned about my relationship with my two brothers. I'm the oldest. Right now, we are not exactly close. It sucks, and I try to work so hard, but I just haven't seen it improve since I started college. Isn't it funny? I always thought as you get older, you get into better relations with your siblings.

[RICHARD]

Wow, I can only pray for you, Richard, I know, things will work out in the end, as it always does in life.

Now this has gotten me a little bit concerned about my relationship with my two brothers. I'm the oldest. Right now, we are not exactly close. It sucks, and I try to work so hard, but I just haven't seen it improve since I started college. Isn't it funny? I always thought as you get older, you get into better relations with your siblings.

THe best advice is to keep a general relationship with them. Make the effort to drop a call or two, note, email, Christmas card. At the least you will be able to say that you tried.

------------

The hardest part of my relationships with my sibs is that they are all drama queens and kings.

They cannot have a conversation without listening, the first word out of their mouths is "NOOOOO!" And then they stomp off like idiots.

That's a typical reaction to the truth- they become indignant when faced with the truth.

In the end it doesn't matter. It's what you have prepared for.

----------

I was the only person who tried to float between all of them. I had to bite my lip when I deal with them to keep the other sibs happy, "Why are you talking to them?". Too much BS from each of their petty dinosaur sized brains.


UGH.....I have a rant at the moment and have to wait unitl I post it.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

P.S. I don't know how it works, but if you have a say, don't get 'borned' into a large family!:confused:;)

[joycenalex]

richard, i sent your mom another card this morning. how are you doing?

[RICHARD]

richard, i sent your mom another card this morning. how are you doing?

Really well! Thank you.

THere have been a few more 'things' to that I have to deal with, But, you know, with PT friends?

I CAN RULE THE WORLD!:cool:

Mom is going to get more chemo on Monday so, I am looking up and out!

THanks again for you concern, prayers and thoughts.

Dang, I know some really good people!

[jazzcat]

I'll be thinking about her Monday and keeping her in my prayers.

Glad to hear you are doing well too!

[king2005]

I don't know how you can do it!

When my mom was doing a lot of BS & bad things to me.. I took it for many years, but one day I had enough & she hasn't seen or heard from me since (2003). I live in a city that she can never visit & never find me. Only 2 family members have my address & 3 have my phone #. If anyone wants to contact me or send me something, they have to go through my sister. They can try to look up my government information, but it all points to my sisters house.. No bills in my name are linked to where I live. They all point 300km away, so I'm quite safe.

My sister doesn't know my reasons, but she respects them, as she sees me as a much happier person without mom, & I don't rant on how much I hate it... I rarely ever mention her. Most people assume shes dead as I only talk about my dad & sister.

Dad calls me nearly everyday, & far too often he calls me many many many times a day... :rolleyes: But I love him :love:

My mom is ill & dying or something (don't care). She tried to bribe me to visit with money. I said no. I might be homeless (last summer), poor, & worse, but I don't need her. & I told my sister to stop passing me that sort of news. talk about other things

One thing I've learned, is that sometimes I have to come first.

[RICHARD]

I don't know how you can do it!



Gayle Sayers wrote a book about his life and the name of it was "I am Third"

THat came from a sign on a coaches desk, "Family is first, God Is Second and I am Third". Some time you have to rearrange a priority to get things in life straight.


The way I do it? Hanging Tough and not letting anyone bulldoze me anymore.

I used to be a 'whatever' kind of person, not any more. I have found that people are stupid and cruel0it's up to me, and yourself, to rise above the BS and live, If you have no regrets or things weighing you down from the past, you can sleep relatively peacefully.

Best wishes to you!

---

Here's my next problem. I have had a falling out with my next in line brother and his wife.

It seems like they both have started to collect the rental money from my mom's other property in cash. That money we had all agreed upon as money to be used to feed the house and keep it running.

I asked them to help me run the finances for my mom while I took care of the insurance issues. MY MISTAKE! Before my mom let them collect and write the receipts for the rent- now the think that they will get that property because they do that. I warned my mother about it before because in the few months as my mom was getting sicker by the day, they would show up with the 3/4ths of the rent money with a story that the renter's paid in cash and would "get ther rest of the rent later on". I think that they were keeping the rest by telling my mom they needed money to get by!:rolleyes:

They were to pay the water, gas and other bills from that money. I opened up the gas and water bills and found the gas was not paid and the Water and Power bill is ASTRONOMICAL because she kept 90 dollars from the previous bills and my brother's dogs kept the meter reader from reading the meter for three months.

I took 150 dollars from them for groceries and after I went over what rest of the money was to be used for, there was 150 left.

I asked my SIL for the 150 and she said that she spent it on an 'emergency room visit' for my brother. She had set that up very nicely saying that she needed 50 dollars to pay for it before it even happened. The both left on a saturday afternoon and didn't come back from the ER until almost midnite, That was the same weekend the county fair opened. When I asked her for the change she flew into a rage and came to my house and told me to "Never ask her for money again!" She was also ticked off that I laughed at her 50 dollar charge for the ER, I worked for the health plan and told her that she was crapped if that was the charge for a visit. I knew I worked there.

I laughed at her and told her to get out of my face.

None of the bills were paid for the past month and she told me and my other brother that I said I was going to pay for the bills!

She fabricated her side of the story and I was furious- She also said that my mom had told her to use the money for herself. I really want to tell her to eff off because I wanted all my mom's stuff and papers she was given and took., My brother flew into a rage and said that I wasn't going to get anything. They also have my mom's jewelry from her visit to the ER. THat biatch had the nerve to say that she wasn't going to go against her husband.

MY parents didn't work to support her or my brother, money was always used to keep the houses running and I really resent the fact that they have become the AHs they are.


I did go to the rental property and told them that they are not to pay my brother or SIL and the rent should come in a check or money order with my mom's name in it. I have this sick sense of anticipation for the day when they both go collect the rent and the woman tells them that they cannpt have it.

I am going back to tell the renters not to cave in to any BS that they both tell them and to reinforce the NO CASH rules. I know my brother is going to hit the moon and I really don't care. My SIL has shown her true colors and it's all for them or nothing at all!

Sweet Jeezuz - I have been so mad about this I cannot even tell you. Not so mad about it that I am losing sleep over it, but I am looking forward to her anticipating the cash and not getting jack squat.My brother is the kind of person that gets sick to his stomach when he gets stresses out and he starts to puke all over the place. I thought about him getting sick over this and decicded, "EFF IT!" he don't give a crap about my mom's house so why should I care about his health. I do care for him, but if he is going to side with her, so be it.


I should have known about that because we had a conversation about the properties and what would happen to them when mom passes.

I told them that since it would fall to me, as the oldest and seeing my older sis, "Didn't want anything from mom" that I was gong to make out a will and them put the rest of my Bros and Sister in it so the house could stay as a place where, if needed, is there to help everyone out. My SIL sat there and said, "What about me?" and gave a shameless smile.......

I knew then that something evil was afoot!

My mom once told me that she only did stuff for my bro, "M" because he is her son..that was pretty telling.

---------------

Anyways,

Pray for me on rent day!;)

Pray that I don't lose my temper and tell them both what I know and what I think.

[Catsnclay]

I really enjoy your threads Richard! :p

You make my family look like a bunch of Angels!!! Thank you! :love:






>>>>my update:

I think I like my situation much better than yours........we communicate through our $$$$ attorneys and although it does cost a lot, we don't have the screaming-in-your-face fights like we use to. Now I get to read her side, scream and kick all I want, then my husband settles me down, I repy to Lawyer, and he makes my reply MUCH nicer than I would have ever!! He uses those big words that my sister cannot understand -Yeah, way to go!!!



We have an arbitration meeting on Friday, my father's attorney, my attorney, Tim & me, Sister & her attorney, plus a (paid, naturally) arbitrator will all be sitting down and trying to put this all to an end.

Oh how I wish this will be the end, but something in my heart is telling me that this will drag out - forever......and the sad part - my father is still alive, so if this does get settled, it will start all over again when he passes. So yes, this will never end! :(

>>>>end of my rant.




Remember Richard........YOU do NOT have to be everyone's keeper. You do what needs to be done by you, and eff them all! Sounds to me they are all still in denial and keep running to you with their problems, just because they know they can dump on you. Time for this to stop!

Good luck!! I know this won't be easy for you. <sorry!>

[jazzcat]

Wow Richard, I can't believe what you are having to deal with. You are making me count my blessings. I only have to deal with a trouble making nutjob sister in law who luckily lives far enough away I don't have to deal with her often.

I hope the renter will stick to her guns and not pay them. A little stomach upset and barfing will do your brother some good, especially if he blows some darling wifey's way.

Hang tough!!

[RICHARD]

Hang tough!!


Will DO!


Last night I went next doot to my mom's house and they had come by to wash his truck and watch some TV. This was the first time I talked to them in almost two weeks.

I told my brother to split and that he had some nerve to show up and sit there. He smarted back for about three minutes and she would not even look at me. LOL-So, I switched on the micrwave, without the benefit of the power strip and it tripped the circuit breakers out door. The lights went out and they split.

God forgive me for being such an arse! NOT!

At the very least, this is showing me how to deal with situations here with people that are being stupid and dense. It may be my Alamo, but I will go down swinging, kicking and biting!

---------------

I have an update on my older sister and just what an AH she is!

I heard this story from my bro and nephew who went to visit Ma while she was there....check this out!

My mom is a sports fan and won't pass up the chance to needle us about our football team-She is a Denver fan and we are Raider fans.

Sis was there and my nephew walked in to tell her that the Radiers had lost. He prefaced it by saying, "Granny, good news and bad news....do you want the bad news first?" Sis flew into a snit and scolded him by saying, "Why are you bringing her bad news?" This from the "woman" who went to mom about her bills while she was in pretty crappy spirits at the time!

MY nephew told Ma that the bad news was our team had lost, Mom loved it and started to laugh. Sis got bent outta shape and when the boys left would not even acknowledge them.

Sheesh.


C and C,

They are putting the distance in because they always thought that I was the one that would fold. Being a hardass isn't fun, but they never cut me any slack when we were growing up, the STOP BUCKS HERE!

I will make it.

It's the poor slobs who aren't mentally tough that will crumble.

Thanks again my friends and really don't judge my family by what I write...

They know not what they do!:):rolleyes: