Our PT joke thread

[kokopup]

I thought I would never make jokes of someone with a disability but found in the later days of my mother's Dementia it was hard not to get a chuckle out of some of her imagined foes that came her way. It is hard seeing someone you love, that has always been on top of everything, start the downward trek with
all kinds of imagined things. Yes, some , no, most were laughable.

In my recent visit to my cardiologist he ask me if my neurogolist had talked to me much about a certain neurological problem. i told him that she had not said a word to me. I had noted that recently that my brain was not making the quick accessments that it once did. An example would be a sound that in the past would instantly be identifed, processed and I would not react. Now sounds are not being processed fast enough and it is causing problems with understanding normal speech and sounds that appear from no where now startle me. Just a few months ago I would have instantly identified the sound and would not react. The some total of what my neurologist has not discussed with me but put in my record is I'm on the starting path that ALS and other neurogical disorders takes. From a memory standpoint I joking say watching reruns is ok because I can't remember what I saw the first time. I feel now as long as I am still able to joke about it I'm still OK. It's when I'm so far gone that I can't joke that worries me. I still have most of my old cognitive ability for problem solving but find multitasking is getting harder. Mulitasking now means I start to do one thing get sidetracked to another task and another, then another. Sidetracked is a very big part of my dayly life now.:D

[wombat2u2004]

I think to, it's how people relate to a disability. I know that if I got Alzheimers, I wouldn't want the world to mourn me. No... life goes on, it's the luck of the draw....life goes on....laughing and joking about it is fine, I know it's not serious.....it's a joke right ??? Makes a lightness of the situation....not malicious fun toward it.

I had a mate years ago who I worked with, he lost an eye in a wood machine shop....sure, we were very sorry he had lost an eye, but that didn't stop us all knicknaming him "Cyclops", even his wife called him that. He didn't mind....he even signed his Xmas cards to us with that name. But he knew all too well, that if he needed help, he'd only have to ask.

[wombat2u2004]

I challenge you to spend a day in a facility for Alzheimer's patients or any other form of disorder and come home saying that was a fun day. Would you teach your own children to ridicule anyone with a mental disorder-- What about our soldiers who come home mentally disabled because of injury , physical or mental trauma etc...do you find anything funny about them also...? Or are they just cast away veggie salads? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.

Well I have spent a day in a facility for Alzheimers patients, in fact MANY days. My wife Karen was the Nurse-in-Charge of a dementia unit for many years, and have a guess who won all of the building and maintenance contracts there ?? (Yeah, I know, it's who you know....right ?). I have worked amongst these people, and even had many good relationships with some of them who constantly followed me around all day like inquisitive children. Sure I felt sorry for them, and yeah sure I believe that one day I'll probably just be one of them. But that doesn't stop me from telling a few jokes to my mates about them over a beer. What are we supposed to do ???
A patient, old Billy Nye had full whack Alzheimers, and loved to sit by me and watch me work. Every morning he heard the hammer, he would come searching for me, and as he shuffled towards me I'd say "Come on Billy, you can walk faster than that can't you ?? And what's that all over your shirt ???Your breakfast again ??" And he'd give me the biggest smile.
Making fun of him....no. Billy is long gone now....but you know....he enjoyed his times with me.

As for teaching my children to ridicule people with afflictions....well no...that would be very malicious of me right ??? I'm sure my children know what is expected of them in society.....and also how to act in such situations...the choice is there's of course....mourn life or live it.

Do I find anything funny about soldiers who return from war mentally or physically disabled ??? Well, there is a difference between actually having fun with them and making fun of them. You see, I am one of those people who has returned from war, and is disabled both physically AND mentally.
You know, when my knee goes out of whack, and I start to hobble around, everyone calls me "Chester" (remember Chester the limping cowboy in Gunsmoke ??). Hey, I don't feel bad about that ??? It's great....I love it.
And when I REALLY go out of whack mentally, and the meds don't take over quick enough, well everyone calls me "That nut case Browny". Thats ok, I can live with that, I'm not after sympathy, they are not really making fun of me.....not really. Even my daughters constantly refer to me as "Nutty Dad".
I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

There is a difference between maliciousness and having fun...a big difference mate ;)

[pomtzu]

A place for everything, and everything in it's place ........I'm sure you've all heard that one before. JMO that this isn't the place. I will continue with my values and beliefs and opinions tho, but there's no point in beating a dead horse - is there?? :(

Happy Easter to all that celebrate this day. :)

[Bonny]

A place for everything, and everything in it's place ........I'm sure you've all heard that one before. JMO that this isn't the place. I will continue with my values and beliefs and opinions tho, but there's no point in beating a dead horse - is there?? :(

Happy Easter to all that celebrate this day. :)

Can I beat the dead horse just a tiny more. You are welcome to your values & beliefs we all have them. This place it is called Our PT jokes thread that means all kinds of Jokes. Jokes are jokes you can take them or leave them. Now for me it is trying to remember them :confused::D

[Asiel]

Can I beat the dead horse just a tiny more. You are welcome to your values & beliefs we all have them. This place it is called Our PT jokes thread that means all kinds of Jokes. Jokes are jokes you can take them or leave them. Now for me it is trying to remember them :confused::D


There is a huge difference between laughing WITH someone and laughing AT someone . And if you choose to laugh at yourself and make fun of yourself on a forum then that is up to you, you are not laughing AT anyone.
Laughing in the privacy of a nursing home WITH an afflicted person is giving them companionship and attention. But to drag it on a pet forum of all places still reflects thoughtlessness, and cruelty. But like was mentioned - why beat a dead horse when a dead brain will never catch on to the difference.

[Catty1]

That's what I get for feeding the trolls....Asiel and Pomtzu. Although Pom and I can exchange good stuff too.

My fault.

And Asiel, you are right - there isn't an argument. It's an attack - by you.

I honestly wonder if there is anything that makes you smile or laugh. :(

[pomtzu]

That's what I get for feeding the trolls....Asiel and Pomtzu. Although Pom and I can exchange good stuff too.

My fault.

And Asiel, you are right - there isn't an argument. It's an attack - by you.

I honestly wonder if there is anything that makes you smile or laugh. :(

I really don't appreciate being referred to as a troll - even if you did soften it some. That's a word that Karen DOES NOT tolerate here.
There's really no argument or attack by either Asiel or myself. It's just that we apparently feel the same way. Maybe it's our age and the way we were raised - an old fashioned way with old fashioned parents who taught us to respect all people. It's obvious that we both view the posting of this "joke" as distasteful and inappropriate. And yes - I agree there is a huge difference between laughing WITH and laughing AT. Perhaps I feel so strongly about this because I have seen many times over, what cruel remarks and ridicule and "jokes" can do to people. It definitely is a sore spot with me.........


ETA: I stand corrected. It was I who "attacked" when I referenced past cruel remarks made by the poster of the "joke". The leopard hasn't changed her spots.

[caseysmom]

Can I beat the dead horse just a tiny more. You are welcome to your values & beliefs we all have them. This place it is called Our PT jokes thread that means all kinds of Jokes. Jokes are jokes you can take them or leave them. Now for me it is trying to remember them :confused::D

I made my comment when this is posted in general, now I could care less because I don't normally go to the joke thread in the dog house. Karen moved it where it belonged, in the dog house.

[Grace]

Mechanics

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where
the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.

I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and
then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

"So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1,695,000
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered
to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[Asiel]

That's what I get for feeding the trolls....Asiel and Pomtzu. Although Pom and I can exchange good stuff too.

My fault.

And Asiel, you are right - there isn't an argument. It's an attack - by you.

I honestly wonder if there is anything that makes you smile or laugh. :(


I know a joke that will keep me laughing till I draw my last breath even if I was the butt of this joke "Will the REAL Candice Carney please stand up?"
Yep, now I'm laughing hysterically.
Of course when you stop acting like a preacher I might start laughing too.

[wombat2u2004]

Can I beat the dead horse just a tiny more. You are welcome to your values & beliefs we all have them. This place it is called Our PT jokes thread that means all kinds of Jokes. Jokes are jokes you can take them or leave them. Now for me it is trying to remember them :confused::D

Right on old mate. ;)
The joke thread is for JOKES....take em or leave em. :D

[Catty1]

Which inspires a spelling joke:

Q: What ten letter word starts with g-a-s?

A: Automobile. :D

[wombat2u2004]

Which inspires a spelling joke:

Q: What ten letter word starts with g-a-s?

A: Automobile. :D

OMG Candace !!! That is CRASS !!!!!
Tell me...are you posting a joke ABOUT my automobile ?? Or about YOUR automobile ??? Either way, I am deeply offended by your audacity to joke about such a subject. Maybe I'm over sensitive or something.
I must remind you, that this is a pet forum, and as such, jokes about MY automobile are not received well.
I'm going to my room now. :p:p

[pomtzu]

OMG Candace !!! That is CRASS !!!!!
Tell me...are you posting a joke ABOUT my automobile ?? Or about YOUR automobile ??? Either way, I am deeply offended by your audacity to joke about such a subject. Maybe I'm over sensitive or something.
I must remind you, that this is a pet forum, and as such, jokes about MY automobile are not received well.
I'm going to my room now. :p:p

Oh please. :rolleyes::rolleyes:
Sarcasm is my expertise - not yours..........:p:D

[Bonny]

OMG Candace !!! That is CRASS !!!!!
Tell me...are you posting a joke ABOUT my automobile ?? Or about YOUR automobile ??? Either way, I am deeply offended by your audacity to joke about such a subject. Maybe I'm over sensitive or something.
I must remind you, that this is a pet forum, and as such, jokes about MY automobile are not received well.
I'm going to my room now. :p:p

I bare to differ here. Wombat, If you didn't drive such a piece of junk in the first place & if you would of taken care of it, it would not be a piece of junk now.:confused: :eek: So go to your room an sulk like a sissy boy. :p

[pomtzu]

I bare to differ here. Wombat, If you didn't drive such a piece of junk in the first place & if you would of taken care of it, it would not be a piece of junk now.:confused: :eek: So go to your room an sulk like a sissy boy. :p

Bonny - it's Tuesday morning! Aren't you supposed to be shopping??? - or something........:eek::p

You'd better be careful - are you sure you want to "bare" yourself in front of Wom???:eek:

[Asiel]

OMG Candace !!! That is CRASS !!!!!
Tell me...are you posting a joke ABOUT my automobile ?? Or about YOUR automobile ??? Either way, I am deeply offended by your audacity to joke about such a subject. Maybe I'm over sensitive or something.
I must remind you, that this is a pet forum, and as such, jokes about MY automobile are not received well.
I'm going to my room now. :p:p




“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.”

Did you bring roses to the stage too?

[Bonny]

Bonny - it's Tuesday morning! Aren't you supposed to be shopping??? - or something........:eek::p

You'd better be careful - are you sure you want to "bare" yourself in front of Wom???:eek:

Yup! Got up at 4:30 and have been going full steam ever since. Made it to the store & if Wombat can dish it out he can take it & so can I. :D He will come up with something smart & sassy to say. :eek:

[lizbud]

Mechanics

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where
the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.

I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and
then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

"So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1,695,000
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered
to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."


LOL I love it.:D

[kokopup]

Catty1

Which inspires a spelling joke:

Q: What ten letter word starts with g-a-s?

A: Automobile.

To be politically correct we must remember there are a few of us that their
Automobile starts and RUNS on Diesel

[wombat2u2004]

I bare to differ here. Wombat, If you didn't drive such a piece of junk in the first place & if you would of taken care of it, it would not be a piece of junk now.:confused: :eek: So go to your room an sulk like a sissy boy. :p

Well, it's just that there is a time and a place for everything. And this is not the place or time to be talking about the plight of older automobiles.
It's just that they deserve MORE respect than that.
We have to draw the line somewhere, or else the next thing you know Candace will be posting jokes about tractors. Did you know that tractors and other assorted farm machinery are really close to my heart ?? Yes, I've always been very hurt by the fact that these wonderful bits of equipment can be discarded after a lifetime of hard work. And then you get someone like Candace coming along and making jokes about them....HAH !!! I mean, what total disregard. How insulting. I'm flabbergasted.

[Bonny]

Well, it's just that there is a time and a place for everything. And this is not the place or time to be talking about the plight of older automobiles.
It's just that they deserve MORE respect than that.
We have to draw the line somewhere, or else the next thing you know Candace will be posting jokes about tractors. Did you know that tractors and other assorted farm machinery are really close to my heart ?? Yes, I've always been very hurt by the fact that these wonderful bits of equipment can be discarded after a lifetime of hard work. And then you get someone like Candace coming along and making jokes about them....HAH !!! I mean, what total disregard. How insulting. I'm flabbergasted.

Calm down now Wombat, here is a farm handkerchief to blow your honker of a nose. Candace was just having fun this is the joke forum you know. Farm tractors and equipment have to bite the dust sometime after years of hard work. But there is a good market out there for iron and it brings $$$$$. They get their respect one way or the other look at all those big huge wind turbines made from recycled tractors, plows, etc. Now straighten up & get over it they are all just junk in the end, but recyclable mate.;)

[wombat2u2004]

Calm down now Wombat, here is a farm handkerchief to blow your honker of a nose. Candace was just having fun this is the joke forum you know. Farm tractors and equipment have to bite the dust sometime after years of hard work. But there is a good market out there for iron and it brings $$$$$. They get their respect one way or the other look at all those big huge wind turbines made from recycled tractors, plows, etc. Now straighten up & get over it they are all just junk in the end, but recyclable mate.;)

Yeah well, they may be junk, and they may be recyclable, but they are close to my heart and deserve the respect that is due to them. :(
Poor little baby tractors....sob sob.

[Catty1]

No tractors were harmed in the posting of this joke. Honest. ;)

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.

Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that d*** tractor is paid for!"

[Bonny]

No tractors were harmed in the posting of this joke. Honest. ;)

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.

Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that d*** tractor is paid for!"

The poor Rooster got the butt end of the deal. That dumb kid shouldn't of kicked the rooster off of the hen because the hen would of laid eggs and there would of been baby chicks, that would of grown up & the hens would of laid eggs, so the farmers wife could sell them in town, the money could of been used to pay off the tractor. It probably would of taken 20 years to pay the tractor off but what the heck. :D

[wombat2u2004]

The poor Rooster got the butt end of the deal. That dumb kid shouldn't of kicked the rooster off of the hen because the hen would of laid eggs and there would of been baby chicks, that would of grown up & the hens would of laid eggs, so the farmers wife could sell them in town, the money could of been used to pay off the tractor. It probably would of taken 20 years to pay the tractor off but what the heck. :D

Sheesh Bonny, you've missed your calling in life. You should have been an economist. :p

[Marigold2]

LOL thats good.

No tractors were harmed in the posting of this joke. Honest. ;)

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.

Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that d*** tractor is paid for!"

[wombat2u2004]

The Day After

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted.'

[cassiesmom]

Q: How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?
A: By its bark :D

[Lady's Human]

Glad I finished my coffee before reading that, Wom. :p

[wombat2u2004]

Glad I finished my coffee before reading that, Wom. :p

Drat !!! Missed again.
I'll get ya next time. :p

[wombat2u2004]

THE DOT
http://i970.photobucket.com/albums/ae186/wombat2u2004/Thedot.png

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington DC has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical Computer advice.
__________________

[Marigold2]

The dot. LOL John that is so funny

[Marigold2]

No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!

No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!



http://f595.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f76153%5fAOEMDUwAAWuwTdK2XgtwEzCwk eg&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[wombat2u2004]

No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!

No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!



http://f595.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f76153%5fAOEMDUwAAWuwTdK2XgtwEzCwk eg&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

























Theres no pic mate.

[Marigold2]

No wonder we were all mesmerized. Disney programmed us!




http://f595.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f515840%5fALEMDUwAAKS7TdMivwzod1Qf GcY&pid=2.2&fid=Sent&inline=1

[wombat2u2004]

http://i970.photobucket.com/albums/ae186/wombat2u2004/BeerTroubleshootingMatrix.gif

[Catty1]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/epic-fail-photos-probably-bad-news-how-far-robin-has-fallen.jpg

[Catty1]

A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

:)

[wombat2u2004]

WOMAN PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old! She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and, without looking up, said,
"Well, does she still have the hiccups?"

[RICHARD]

What's the difference between Vancouver and Greece?

Greece doesn't have a hockey team.

[cassiesmom]

And now, a dog joke told by a co-worker's son, who is 8 and loves animals--

Q: What did the German Shepherd get when he graduated from college?
A: A dog-gree! :rolleyes:

[momcat]

One Sunday morning little Alex was at church with his mom and dad. While they were talking to other congregants little Alex stood looking at the copper plaque on the wall. The Pastor was standing next to him when Alex looked up and said, "Pastor, what's that?" while pointing to the plaque. The Pastor told him it's a memorial to the people who died in the service. After a few moments Alex said, "Pastor, did they die at the 9:00 or the 11:45?"

[wombat2u2004]

How It All Began --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning ....


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called
Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

And that's how it all began !

[Marigold2]

Where do bees go to the bathroom?







At the BP Station :D

[phesina]

How It All Began --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning ....


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called
Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every
drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

And that's how it all began !

Very funny. I love it!

[wombat2u2004]

Investment Tips for 2011

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some
BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2011:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[cassiesmom]

http://rightwingnews.com/graphics/illinoislicenseplate.jpg

This just cracked me up when I saw it!

[dab_20]

Hehe this one comes from the Hangover 2, couldn't resist.

What do you get when you mix a Shihtzu with a Bull Dog?

A Bullshit :p haha

[wombat2u2004]

An Airplane Story....

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book. :D

[lvpets2002]

:) LOL Wom on your Airplane Story.. That was a Good One..

[Grace]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable

[Catty1]

Grace - roflmbo!!!

[wombat2u2004]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable

HAH !!!!! That is too good.....love it. :D:D

[Catty1]

http://content.comicskingdom.net/Bizarro/Bizarro.20110808_small.gif

[wombat2u2004]

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

http://img1.imagehousing.com/43/703a9a2670875c423194f9649af444e2.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/829534)

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!

[lizbud]

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.


'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that **** in Texas."

[wombat2u2004]

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands
would be found in all corners of the world.



``And then he made the earth round``.

[Catty1]

Posted by Husky Mom on Facebook:


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Grace]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled -

"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death . . . !!!

[wombat2u2004]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same

[happylabs]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same

This one is bordering on offensive. :eek:

[wombat2u2004]

This one is bordering on offensive. :eek:

??????
There is nothing offensive about this joke. It's no different than the Kiwi and Aussie jokes that have been posted elsewhere.

[happylabs]

??????
There is nothing offensive about this joke. It's no different than the Kiwi and Aussie jokes that have been posted elsewhere.

Okay.

[wombat2u2004]

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacVavrek who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"


And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.....


"Repaint! Repaint!

And thin no more!"

http://img1.imagehousing.com/30/dc1c15a16a9d95749cf6dd841d8e43d8.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/852914)


Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light

[Catty1]

Got this in an email. It's been around before, but worth repeating. :)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than the other possibility, German.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, vevil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer,ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forstplas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[wombat2u2004]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[wombat2u2004]

http://img1.imagehousing.com/76/982ad59cb62b5065954958f1b2563c86.jpg (http://www.imagehousing.com/image/865366)

[Catty1]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/political-pictures-vladimir-putin-good-question.jpg

[Catty1]

http://content.comicskingdom.net/Bizarro/Bizarro.20111207_small.gif

[cassiesmom]

Q: Where does a snowman go on New Year's Eve?
A: To the snowball!

(groan)

[cassiesmom]

I'm not the only nurse on Pet Talk... so this is for my PT health care buddies... and I'm sure those of you who have ever visited a family member in the hospital will also get a chuckle out of it. A former co-worker (who's also a nurse) sent this to me recently. Author unknown.

~~~~~
I assisted one of my elderly patients to the bathroom so she could
have a BM. I tell her that I'll let her sit for a while but as soon as
she's done, to please pull the call bell (and I showed her where it
was) so I could come and assist her back to bed. She agrees.

I go and complete some other tasks that need doing (isn't there
always?). After a while, I think to myself, 'She hasn't rung yet?!' I
go and check on her and she's still sitting on the toilet.

She goes, "Oh, I've been waiting and waiting for you! I'm done!"

I ask, "Why didn't you pull the call bell when you were done? I would
have been here sooner."

She looks at me, confused. "I did. Like this, right?" She then takes
the pull string and swings it so the little knob at the end hits the
metal rail on the wall, making a DING! noise.

I almost facepalmed.

[Karen]

Details, details! That's a cute one.

[Catty1]

From failbook.org:

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/funny-facebook-fails-the-c-stands-for-credit.jpg

[Catty1]

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/funny-celebrity-pictures-if-tv-channels-were-like-a-family.png

[Catty1]

http://chzparentingfails.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/crazy-parenting-fails-kids-these-days.jpg

[cassiesmom]

Scene: American tourists in Great Britain
Tourist No. 1: Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before.
Tourist No. 2: Maybe they are albino. Or, it could be a special English type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: Those are sheep.

==from overheardeverywhere.com/RD May 2012, pg 97

[Catty1]

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/funny-facebook-fails-it-was-a-prequel-all-along.gif

[Louie and me]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a**hole what his name is.

[cassiesmom]

A doctor walks into an exam room and finds his patient seated on the exam table, dressed in a gown, with a banana in his left ear, a carrot stuck like a pencil behind his right ear, and applesauce smeared all over his face. The patient has a distressed expression. "Doctor, can you tell what is wrong with me?" he asks anxiously.

"Sir, it's very simple," answers the doctor. "You are not eating properly."

[lizbud]

Truism Puns


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

[cassiesmom]

http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/Rottenecards_39752733_krvq9ntkc8.png
Five sit-ups a day...

[cassiesmom]

Q: What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A: The C.

[lolli94]

I just finished reading this whole thread, and did a lot of laughing :) Thanks everybody!

[Karen]

Now you need to tell a joke of your own!

[lolli94]

"I went horseback riding on the weekend," Bill told his friend."How was it?" Sam asked.

"It started off well; my horse was wonderful. He was trotting kind of fast, but I didn't mind.""Great," said Sam.

"But then he started to gallop. I got nervous, and before I knew it, my saddle was tilting to the left. In no time I was hanging upside down and my head was bouncing off the ground."

"Good grief! How did you manage to get off without any broken bones or scratches?" asked Sam.

"Well, thank goodness the manager at the mall came and turned it off."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three brothers in Ireland used to frequent a local pub. Then one moved to America and another to Australia. The lone brother left still went to the pub, but now he ordered three beers, taking a sip from each in turn. The patrons watched him go through this ritual for some time before one of them asked why. "One's for my brother in America, one for my brother in Australia and one for me," he replied.

After this explanation, the fellow didn't show up at the pub for a month. Then he appeared again and ordered two beers. He drank from one, then the other. One of the patrons went over and extended his condolences for the man's bereavement. "What bereavement?" the chap asked.

"Well, the loss of one of your brothers," the patron said.

"My brothers are alive," the fellow corrected. He held up one glass. "This is for my brother in America." He held up the other. "This is for my brother in Australia. And I quit drinking."

[Karen]

Silly! :)

[lolli94]

A little girl was an only child, and her daddy was at war. One day she approached her mother and said that she would like a little sibling. Her mother said that would be nice, but they would have to wait until her daddy got home. To which the little girl replied "We could surprise him!"

[Catty1]

LOL! Wouldn't surprise me if some young kid DID say that!:D

[cassiesmom]

I saw these on Twitter (#polarvortexsongs) and I can't stop laughing! Apparently this topic was suggested by Jimmy Fallon. You take a song and change the words slightly to make it fit the winter theme. So if you see me walking down the street, giggling helplessly to myself, you'll know I'm thinking about these and trying to stay warm!

A few examples ... Brrr'd lines (Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke)
Negative 867-5309
Can You Feel Your Face Tonight
Don't Go Taking My Scarf
Wake Me Up Before You Snowplow
We Didn't Salt the Sidewalk (We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel)
It's Too Cold for That (No Igloo) [I Can't Go for That / No Can Do - Hall and Oates]
All You Need Is Glove
Hey, I just met you / And this is crazy / My ears are numb now / So thaw me maybe
Baby, It's $*&$ Cold Outside

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor's grandson, age 6...
Q: Where does the Easter bunny go for Easter brunch?
A: IHOP!

[cassiesmom]

Wouldn't this be "a Pez dispenser / filled with Xanax / in my desk at work", though? Either way, it gave me a BIG laugh!


http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/Rottenecards_1372026_pryqzr3gbv.png

[cassiesmom]

From a musician page I follow on facebook. B flat, G flat and E flat walk into a bar. The bar tender says: "I'm sorry; we don't serve minors here."

[Karen]

Wouldn't this be "a Pez dispenser / filled with Xanax / in my desk at work", though? Either way, it gave me a BIG laugh!


http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/Rottenecards_1372026_pryqzr3gbv.png

Yes, it should be. There are too many grammatically incorrect things like this going around Facebook!

[cassiesmom]

http://snarkecards.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/0yueMpHDs51AnwT.png
pizza

[Catty1]

http://storage.canoe.ca/v1/dynamic_resize/?src=http://lifewise.canoe.ca/Comics/TheArgyleSweater/2014/05/22/tas_2014_05_22.gif&size=300x351&quality=85

[cassiesmom]

I know I'm from Chicago because...

(These are new ones from the Chicago Architecture Foundation Web site.)


You precede every past-tense verb with “had” and think every other verb should be a gerund. “He had been a stock broker and was wanting to live in Streeterville” instead of “He was a stock broker and wanted to live in Streeterville.”

Your girlfriend describes every good thing as “amazing.” There are no other adjectives.

You don’t bother looking up until there are at least three TV news helicopters circling overhead.

If you see two or more military helicopters in the sky, you know traffic is about to be screwed up around The Loop, Hyde Park, or both.

You listen to the news on AM radio even though the exact same program is available on an FM frequency.

You’ve ever been late for work because of a drawbridge.

You vocally refuse to go to chain restaurants, but freely tuck in to Al’s #1 Beef, Giordano’s pizza and Portillo’s hot dogs.

You keep a few bucks in your pocket because even though credit cards have been around for nearly 100 years, none of the eateries on your block take plastic.

It took you a while to realize that “Vote early, vote often” is a joke phrase, and not advice from the Cook County Clerk.

When you see someone on the street arguing with himself, it’s usually crazy, not Bluetooth.

You see a tragic gun massacre elsewhere in the country on the news and think to yourself, “That’s just a warm summer weekend in Chicago.”

You went to the Billy Goat Tavern before Saturday Night Live.

You still think Garfield Goose is the height of sophisticated humor.

You breathed a sigh of relief when Rio got the Olympics.

You’ve convinced yourself that limiting your thick-crust pizza to two toppings makes it a health food.
You mentally heckle the geographical errors that inevitably show up in any movie or TV program set in Chicago.

[cassiesmom]

http://www.funnysigns.net/files/dont-turn-me-on-400x370.jpg
source: funnysigns.net

[cassiesmom]

a little nurse humor...
http://snarkecards.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/aV5PfWNLa3imb9Z.png

[cassiesmom]

Did you hear about the dumb blonde who was asked to sign up for her company's 401(k)? She decided not to, because she didn't think she could run that far. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." -- Dave Barry

[cassiesmom]

A new "nurse" joke ... I have a friend who sends these to me every now and then.

The nurse was in her patient's room one day at the nursing home. He had been in a coma for over a year and they had tried numerous techniques to help him wake up. His family had brought a radio so music could be played for him. The nurse finished caring for the patient and turned on his radio to a pop station. As she left the room a Justin Bieber song was just starting to play. Moments later she heard a loud CRASH in the room and dashed back in. It was the patient! He was wide awake and fumbling for the radio dial, shouting: "Change the channel! Turn this off NOW!"

The nurse fainted.

[Karen]

It is getting to be that time again, and on cold days, I think of these!

That, and I had a high school music teacher who made a joke by substituting the word Lunch for Love in every song ...

What I did for Lunch
Lunch Story
and a current ...

Lunch Runs Out (One Republic)




A few examples ... Brrr'd lines (Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke)
Negative 867-5309
Can You Feel Your Face Tonight
Don't Go Taking My Scarf
Wake Me Up Before You Snowplow
We Didn't Salt the Sidewalk (We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel)
It's Too Cold for That (No Igloo) [I Can't Go for That / No Can Do - Hall and Oates]
All You Need Is Glove
Hey, I just met you / And this is crazy / My ears are numb now / So thaw me maybe
Baby, It's $*&$ Cold Outside

[cassiesmom]

It is getting to be that time again, and on cold days, I think of these!

That, and I had a high school music teacher who made a joke by substituting the word Lunch for Love in every song ...

What I did for Lunch
Lunch Story
and a current ...

Lunch Runs Out (One Republic)

Oh, this could be fun ...
Lunch, Reign O'er Me (The Who)
Lunch Will Keep Us Together (Captain and Tennille)
Lunch Potion Number Nine (??)
Lunch Shack (B-52's)
Karen, you got me started! (:D)

[cassiesmom]

What would you call a lowlife nincompoop thief?
Silicon. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

I saw these on Twitter (#polarvortexsongs) and I can't stop laughing! Apparently this topic was suggested by Jimmy Fallon. You take a song and change the words slightly to make it fit the winter theme. So if you see me walking down the street, giggling helplessly to myself, you'll know I'm thinking about these and trying to stay warm!

A few examples ... Brrr'd lines (Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke)
Negative 867-5309
Can You Feel Your Face Tonight
Don't Go Taking My Scarf
Wake Me Up Before You Snowplow
We Didn't Salt the Sidewalk (We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel)
It's Too Cold for That (No Igloo) [I Can't Go for That / No Can Do - Hall and Oates]
All You Need Is Glove
Hey, I just met you / And this is crazy / My ears are numb now / So thaw me maybe
Baby, It's $*&$ Cold Outside

Edge of Minus Seventeen

[cassiesmom]

Q: What does a snowman wear on his head?
A: An icecap. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Overheard in the music room yesterday at church as children's choir was getting started: Why did the football coach go to the bank? Because he wanted his quarter back. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

It is getting to be that time again, and on cold days, I think of these!

That, and I had a high school music teacher who made a joke by substituting the word Lunch for Love in every song ...

What I did for Lunch
Lunch Story
and a current ...

Lunch Runs Out (One Republic)

I want to know what lunch is ...
To sir with lunch ...
Crazy little thing called lunch ... Karen, this is addicting!

[RICHARD]

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

The bartender asks Jesus what he would like...

Jesus turns to the apostles. winks an replies, "Thirteen glasses of water and one fish sandwich!"

[RICHARD]

I saw Matthew McConaughey in Hollywood driving, I was waiting on the corner for a friend when I noticed him....A minute later he came back around the block!

A few minutes later he drove BACK around - He made 6 more trips until he got stopped by the signal. He had his window down and I managed to hear his GPS giving him instructions.......




"All Right, All Right, All Right...."

[RICHARD]

When Harrison Ford got his pilot's license he had to fly "Solo".

How would Harrison Ford do flying the Millenium Falcon?

After the crash, there was no word on how Chewbacca was doing?

[cassiesmom]

Q: What kind of waves do you find on small beaches?
A: Microwaves :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: What does a chromosome like to wear?
A: Genes :rolleyes:

[Cat Daddy]

Two brothers aged 13 and 11 are called to come down stairs for breakfast. When they get to the kitchen table their mom asked what they would like. The 13 year old says 'Awe geez, how bought some F'ing Cheerios Ma'? He doesn't see the blur until moms hand slaps him across the face and she proceeds to whack him with a mixing spoon all the way back up stairs until he gets to his room.

Now, back in the kitchen, she turns to the 11 year old and says 'And what can I get you for breakfast, mister?' Whimpering, the 11 year old says, " I sure don't want any f@cking Cheerios":D

[mon]

That's was funny!!!

[Catty1]

Good one, Cat Daddy!:D

[cassiesmom]

"Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes." -- author unknown

[cats4ever]

"Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes." -- author unknown

Love it! I have to get me those shoes.:D

[cassiesmom]

My dad told me this joke...

A milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached to a customer's door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk."
He knocks at the door and a lady answers it.
"Forty-five gallons of milk. Is this a mistake?" the milkman asks.
"No," she says, "I was watching a talk show and it said bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really?" replies the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my chest will be fine."

[cats4ever]

That's funny! I had to read it out loud a couple of times to get it.:)

[mon]

First joke I remember hearing. Guy with a hair lip goes to the pet store, "Can I buy some birdseed please". Clerk says "I can't understand what you said. Guy goes away, comes back the next day, " I would like to buy some birdseed please" clerk says "go away hairlip, I can't understand what your saying!" The guy comes back every day for two weeks. On the 15 th day, the guy comes in and says," Hey mister, ya wanna buy a dead bird"?

[cassiesmom]

I saw this recently and it gave me a smile. With apologies in advance for any negative stereotypes.



How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Change it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? I don't see a burnt out light bulb.

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?


Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect light again?

[cats4ever]

That's cute!:)

[phesina]

Hee hee! Funny! All kinds of darling dogs there.

:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

From my great nephew, who is 5 ... How do you make a banana split? Open the door! :p:

He thinks it's the Funniest Joke Ever :)

[mon]

Michael Vick's jury has been chosen...

http://www.southbayriders.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=94920&d=1187822324

There is nothing remotely funny about Michael Vick, period. Nothing, zero and.... I have an excellent sense of humour. If someone is capable of what he is allegedly accused of, dude needs years of physiological help. And, that will never undo what he did. Sick ****.

[RICHARD]

Well,
How do you make a venetian blind?


Poke his eyes out.

[Pooran76]

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwigttb79uXhAhWJTN8KHZODDScQjRx6BAgBEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.stripes.com%2Fnews%2Fp-t-in-space-online-jokes-target-space-force-1.534183&psig=AOvVaw31x9T_7QSqApmoDTlu0XpE&ust=1556099075419523

[cassiesmom]

From a neighbor’s grandson (he’s 6):

What should you give your dad for a snack on Father’s Day? POPcorn!

he thinks it’s the Funniest Joke Ever ;)

[Werona]

Great jokes! Keep it up!

[cassiesmom]

From the neighbor’s grandson again. Where do sheep go for summer vacation? - To the Baa-hamas :rolleyes:

[phesina]

Oh, that's great! Thanks, Elyse!

:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor’s grandson.
Q: What should you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch :eyeroll:

[cats4ever]

From my neighbor’s grandson.
Q: What should you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch :eyeroll:

He's a funny kid!

[cassiesmom]

My neighbor told me this joke, which I'm to tell his grandson at the next visit (probably over the weekend). What falls down every winter but never gets hurt? Snowflakes. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Heard on the radio. The governor of Illinois issued a shelter in place order that went into effect yesterday.

What kind of humor is best while you are sheltering in place? Inside jokes. (groan)

[RICHARD]

What is the first curse words a dogwalker learns on the job?

Oh S---!

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor's grandson again. Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies :rolleyes:

[Furpup67]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

[cassiesmom]

What happens if you see a robbery at an Apple store? You are an iWitness! :rolleyes:

[Kay Burton]

What happens if you see a robbery at an Apple store? You are an iWitness! :rolleyes:

Most likely it will. To be honest, I still don't get Apple's joke. Wild overpricing, there are devices not worse, but much cheaper.

[cassiesmom]

Where does a stallion go when he needs to see the doctor? To the HORSEpital :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

ONe of my co-workers writes a "dad joke" on her white board almost every day. Here's a recent one ...

How do you tell a good joke about pizza? It's all in the delivery. :rolleyes: *groan*

[phesina]

Good ones, Elyse.. Thank you!

:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

ONe of my co-workers writes a "dad joke" on her white board almost every day. Here's a recent one ...


Here's another recent one: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where is pop corn?" *groan* :rolleyes:

[Cat Daddy]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

[Kay Burton]

Here's another recent one: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where is pop corn?" *groan* :rolleyes:

It's funny. I haven't heard this joke before. I need to remember.

[cassiesmom]

ONe of my co-workers writes a "dad joke" on her white board almost every day.

Here's another recent one. She's sharing Halloween jokes...

Q: What's the most important subject for a witch to learn in school?
A: Spelling. :rolleyes:

[phesina]

Hee hee! Oh, that's funny... and quite clever, too!

Thanks, Elyse, to your co-worker for the joke and to you for sharing it with us!

Boo!

:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

From my co-worker's "dad joke" file... Do you know a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Strawberries. :p

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

I know a goodie, so I will try to translate it.....;)

A woman buys a new wardrobe for the bedroom.
She wants to surprise her husband, so she decides to assemble it all by herself
But, every time the tram passes her house, the wardrobe falls apart.... .
She keeps trying several times. All in tears, she rings the shop where she bought it.
The shopkeeper feels so sorry for her and promises to come to her house in the afternoon.

The man assembles the wardrobe, but again it falls apart the moment the tram passes.
He says:"Ok, there mùst be something wrong, but I have nò idea what it might be.
I suggest I get inside this thing, and when the tram passes, I hope to see what happens!"

So the man does this, and closes the door.
But then her husband gets home... .
He wants to take a shower and takes an ironed shirt in the old wardrobe.
Right this moment a tram passes, and the wardrobe falls apart again...!
The man who was in it says "This is NOT what you think sir, I was only waiting for the next tram!!!"

[phesina]

Oh, that's funny! Thanks, Lut!

:love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

From my co-worker who writes "dad jokes" on her white board...
Where do snowmen put their money? In snowbanks :rolleyes:

[phesina]

GROAN!!! :love::love::love::love::love::love::love::love:

[cassiesmom]

An Olympics joke ... where do curling teams get breakfast when they're on vacation? Broom service. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Why doesn't a pirate bathe before he's made to walk the plank? - He's going to wash up on shore. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: How do you make a water bed bouncier?
A: Fill it with spring water :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: Why was the room full of married people still empty?
A: There wasn't a single person in it.

[cassiesmom]

Q: How did Noah see all the creatures in the ark at night?
A: He used flood lights. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: What is a sheep's favorite vacation destination?
A: The Baa-hamas :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Why was it hot in the arena after the game? - All the fans left. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: What do you call a pumpkin that works at the shore?
A: A life-gourd! :rolleyes:

[sana]

Why was it hot in the arena after the game? - All the fans left. :rolleyes:

😂
Reminds me of:
How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lots of fans.

[cassiesmom]

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck. :rolleyes:

[Vette]

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta!

the child i was babysitting told me that today LOL

[cassiesmom]

Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless.

[Vette]

Q: what did the tomato tell the other tomato during a race?
A: ketchup

:p

[cassiesmom]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.” :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Here's a groaner for fall: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Q: How do leaves travel from one town to town?
A: With autumn-mobiles. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

Now that it is November, here's a Thanksgiving joke...

Q What did the pilgrims on Mayflower play when they were bored?
A: Cards – because they always have a deck. :rolleyes:

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

What will you get when a racing pigeon mates with a parrot?

A racing pigeon that cannot get lost because it can always ask for directions ;):cool:

[cassiesmom]

Q: What did one cat say to the other on Valentine's Day?
A: You're purr-fect! :love:

[cassiesmom]

"Coffee has a really hard time at our house. It gets mugged every morning." -- unknown

[cassiesmom]

From my co-worker who writes "dad jokes" on her white board...
Q: How do you keep a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

What type of hotel rooms do chocolate Easter bunnies reserve?
Sweets.

[cassiesmom]

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor's grandson, who is learning "question and answer" jokes.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. :rolleyes:

[cassiesmom]

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”
“When is that?” asked the pitcher.
“Right after the national anthem.”