View Full Version : Confused and mostly alone

02-25-2007, 08:08 AM
This is a long post and mostly pointless...if you get to the end of it, thank you for listening.

Life as of late has me exceptionally confused...and I really don't know where to turn to for advice. It's 6 am-ish here..and I don't really feel like going to bed even though I haven't been to sleep in over 24 hours. I've been having really disturbing dreams, most likely prompted by whats happened recently in my life.

First off, a really good friend of mine had a miscarriage on valentines day. I'm not sure if when it happened is bothering me as much as it happening at all but overall it still makes me sad. My friend confided in me that she didn't feel ready for another kid (she has one already), especially with the person she is with now. I question (silently mostly) why she is even with the guy, as she has told me several times that she thinks of him more as a roommate than a potential spouse. Is it an obligatory thing, as she feels she owes him? Or is it that she feels she needs the safety net that her relationship seems to provide to her. This girl means a lot to me, even though sometimes I feel like I am at her beck and call and more of a "relationship" to her than her boyfriend (which is doubly complected as her boyfriend is my husbands brother). Sometimes I feel like she talks to me only when she needs something, be it monetary, emotional or otherwise. Most of the time, if I ask for comfort, I feel brushed aside. Through the whole miscarriage thing, I've listened and have been supportive through all of her changes of mood on the subject. Part of me wants to help turn her situation around but part of me feels as if she is her own woman and will make her choices as she sees fit to make them. Whats worse, is John is fighting with his brother over the whole thing because when my friend did get pregnant, Johns brother got high and mighty about it and started making cracks about Johns fertility and usefulness as a "man". I miscarried about three months ago, and the subject of kids and pregnancy is a sore one for John and myself and really rubbing it in was an immature thing to do in my opinion. John at this point refuses to talk to his brother, and refuses to be comforting because when I miscarried all his brother had to say about it was "get the *expletive* over it". John is upset that I am still friends with the woman and I can understand why but at the same time she is one of the few female friends I have (that isn't on-line). I guess thats why I put up with the flaky behavior and the constant need for my attention in one format or another. I guess this is the perfect opportunity to bring up another thing thats been bothering me since I heard about it earlier today. I was informed that a friend of mine (different than the above mentioned friend, just to clarify) was killed early yesterday morning in a car accident involving a drunk driver. From the information I've been able to get a hold of, what happened was she was going through an intersection and the drunk driver ran the red light and T-boned her so hard it ran her small economy car into oncoming traffic where she was struck by two large vehicles. She was killed instantly as far as I know, but the details aren't exactly clear. She left behind a 4 yr old son. The last time I talked to this woman, she was telling me that she was sorry for what her sons father had done to John (A stupid dispute over the fathers drug habits and how they were inappropriate when raising a child that escalated into a physical confrontation involving law enforcement) and that despite the fact that John and didn't get along with him, she still wanted to be friends with the both of us. Making matters more complected even still is that the friend was also an ex of Johns brothers, an ex that even though they parted on bad terms they still endeavored to remain somewhat friends. I imagine that Johns brother is upset over this, perhaps more so than I am. I suspect as well that his girlfriend is comforting him in this time of loss, despite the fact that the person her boyfriend is grieving over is an ex girlfriend, and at one point, direct competition for his attention. In fact, his ex and him were together during a period in which his current girlfriend was out of the country on an extended basis. I'm not entirely sure if the relationship he and his ex had was made clear to my friend, nor have I offered any information on the subject to her, as I believe (maybe wrongly I don't know) it is not my place to start drama between them, at least not intentionally. Today I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone I could talk to about loss and mortality that wasn't my husband. Don't get me wrong, John has been very comforting but at the same time he is having a hard time being compassionate as he still is very upset and hurt over the incident involving the child's father. I could not get a hold of my friend, for whatever reasons she was ignoring her phone and her boyfriend never passed along my messages. I'm having a real hard time coping with the fact that one of the few times I come for emotional support (I must admit she HAS been tolerant of me whining about my issues with John when I needed to vent for the most part, although I always feel like I am inconveniencing her) she ignores me in favor of comforting her boyfriend over the death of an ex that wanted to take her place. I'm struggling with feeling like this, as I know that as his girlfriend it is her job to be supportive of him but when do you stop supporting someone who abuses you? Am I being petty in expecting her to be supportive of me during this difficult time too? To find comfort, I even tried talking to some of my on line pals but most of them had a very “go away I don't want to hear about your problems I have issues of my own too you know” attitude. Like loosing a friend to some drunk jerk isn't that big of a deal and I should shut up and move on with my life. I'm struggling with the very nature of my existence on this earth and what it all means to be mortal and all anyone can say is a halfhearted “I'm sorry.” I look and see I have over 50 friends on my Yahoo messenger list and between AIM and MSN I've got another at least 30 more, yet the overwhelming majority of them really couldn't give a flying feck over a picket fence about me or my internal struggles with life, not that it's really their job to care. Hell, I don't even know who some of them are at all and I'm sure that if the situation were reversed I probably wouldn't care too much if I was approached in a similar fashion. A halfhearted apology would be all I had to offer. Do I even have a right to be upset? These people (with a few exceptions) don't know me really either. It isn't their job realistically to be my support system, at least I don't see why it would be. I'm feeling alone and confused in my feelings. I've never lost someone so close to me due to such drastic circumstances. The only other person close to me to pass away was my grandfather and I came to terms with that even before it happened (whether I realized that or not at the time is a different matter). The thought that life can be snuffed out without warning is a thought that scares me even more now. I know I have to be strong for the living, and continue on with making sure my friends child is cared for in the best possible way (a promise I made to her a long time ago). My spiritual beliefs assure me that physical death is just another step along the journey of existence and that there is no pain or struggle in the afterlife but being human as I am it's hard to reconcile the feelings of fear and grief. One of these days, maybe I will understand.

02-25-2007, 08:14 AM
Oh dear, sending you big hugs. What an awful time you are going through right now. If there is anything we can do for you, let us know.

Yes, I think your friend should be supportive of you, but don;t know if she's the kind of person who gives or just takes from a friend without return. Does that make sense? We love you, don't forget that part.

02-25-2007, 08:19 AM
Thank you so much Karen, the thought that someone so far away cares is comforting. Whats bad is this is happening in the mist of a lot of GOOD in my life, as my music is getting noticed and I see a lot of big things in my future in that regard. I guess thats why I am confused so darn much.

Again...thank you *HUGS*

02-25-2007, 08:24 AM
"I look and see I have over 50 friends on my Yahoo messenger list and between AIM and MSN I've got another at least 30 more, yet the overwhelming majority of them really couldn't give a flying feck over a picket fence about me or my internal struggles with life, not that it's really their job to care. Hell, I don't even know who some of them are at all and I'm sure that if the situation were reversed I probably wouldn't care too much if I was approached in a similar fashion. A halfhearted apology would be all I had to offer. Do I even have a right to be upset? These people (with a few exceptions) don't know me really either. "..

I am sooo sorry you are going through a rough time in your life. If its any consulation, I think we all do at some point or another. I also think the above statement is your answer. Meaning- they " really do not know you.." I think at sometimes we get surrounded by " casual friends" and times of " trial" the REAL FRIENDS live on. It may not be obvious now, but soon may show who they are. .. Have you talked to your Minister? If we believe that God controls all life, then we also know He has the answers when we cant understand. As God says " I knew ye in the womb.." . You can not "make others to believe", but maybe she needs time to adjust. Remember- there are stages of grief- for all. And everyone "arrives at the stages of grief" in their OWN time. Some move right from denial, to shock quickly- but taking along time to adjust to " acceptance..". Maybe instead of asking general " how are you .." - trying making it shorter in time for the person - like " how was your day.."
Your and your situation are in my prayers. I wish I knew what more to say but {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} - then again sometimes, it brings something..

02-25-2007, 08:33 AM
It is hard to be supportive of someone when you are upset about something yourself. One person has to be feeling "UP" in order to help another who is going through a tough time. Do you think perhaps you are a little depressed about all this? Maybe you could talk with your doctor about it for some temporary assistance? Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Sandra

Daisy and Delilah
02-25-2007, 08:36 AM
Let me also send some hugs to you. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I feel that you are completely justified in thinking that your friends should be supporting you. By all means, they should be. A true friend doesn't just blow you off as if their problems are as big or bigger than yours. You are definitely dealing with some major issues. My heart breaks for you. I think we can all agree that we have some of the most feeling and compassionate people on earth right here on Pet Talk. You can always come here for support and be sure to get it. You sound like a wonderful person and maybe some of the people in your life are not up to standard with what you deserve as friends and companions. I hope things will get better for you soon :)

02-25-2007, 09:03 AM
The first friend you mentioned has rarely been supportive for you...so why would she be now?

As I have said tongue-in-cheek before, there's nothing wrong with being a doormat, but you have the draw the line at wall-to-wall carpeting.

Right now, YOUR needs come first.

I am so sorry for the spot you are in, and for the friend and baby you lost...would the doctor who looked after you when you miscarried be able to recommend some counselling for you and your husband? If s/he didn't mention it, I am surprised. That is a horrid loss to go through. Even if John won't go, go for your own benefit. It doesn't have to be for long.

Again - sorry about the sayings, but this one came to mind: When God closes a door, he opens another - but it's hell in the hallway.

If you can think of this as your "hell in the hallway", you can have real hope that it will pass. Good and bad all mixed up. Life is weird.

HUGS!!!! and prayers to you.

02-25-2007, 10:26 AM
I have gone through something somewhat similar with someone I considered a very close friend. It was a really hard decision to make, but I chose to cut her out of my life completely, and now have no regrets about it. She was a toxic person and I feel so much relief that i don't have to put up with her cr*p anymore.

I think you need to look at your relationship with your friend and decide if it is worth the trouble, if it is, talk to her about how you are feeling. If it is not, start making the changes necessary to get her out of your life.

02-25-2007, 11:24 AM
When God closes a door, he opens another - but it's hell in the hallway.
HUGS!!!! and prayers to you.
Christine, {{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}} Be gentle with yourself during this hard time. Our thoughts and prayers are going out your way that the going gets easier.

02-25-2007, 01:05 PM
Wow, long post..but I read it all because I do care even though you don't know me. I feel very bad that you are going through this. I know what it feels like when you are confused about a bestfriend, I've been there. And yes, if she is your true friend then she should caring and listening to you and hugging you as much as you need it, the same with your husband. He should be comforting you as much as you need. If I was there I would definately hug you for as long as you needed it, I would let you cry on my shoulder and vent. Then after you feel okay enough, I would ask you what your favorite thing is and I would take you to it, or show you it or bake your favorite food. I would bake cookies too. Cookies can always bring a smile to someone's face, chocolate cookies that is lol.

Anyways I know all I have said matters and doesn't matter at the same time because I'm not there and I can't do all that, but I wish I could.

All I can really say to try and be of any help, is that the reason to living is for love. There is so much love out there, and sometimes you don't find that full-filling love for awhile, and sometimes it feels like love doesn't exist. But a great love does exist. Live your life to your fullest and love alot. It sounds like you have a great future, think about your future and how great and happy it will be.

No matter what hardships you are going through right now, just know that there are lots of people out there that do love you and do care very much and I wish only that you will find happiness very soon.:)

(((((((((ONE GREAT BIG HUG FOR YOUR HAPPINESS!!)))))))))))))

02-25-2007, 01:21 PM
Sweetie, i think you need to know there are people who genuinely care about you,i do for one and as you can see by your replies we really do understand how you are feeling, i agree your friend should be there for you in your time of need as well, that is what real friendship is all about, but sometimes people are so caught up in their own problems ,they just don't have anything left to give.

I really feel for you in your struggle in your life right now, and it sounds like you are overwhelmed by it all, I can only tell you that hopefully in time things will look better, you are in the grieving process right now, and you need to beable to do just that.

I want you to know that I am always here if you need a shoulder to cry on, i know i live very far away, and it is not quite the same,but i do want to offer you any emotional support that i can, so please feel free to pm if you feel the need.

Please take care of yourself,put yourself first for once, you are a very kind and loving person, who obviously puts others needs before your own, maybe now it is ME time,giant HUGS to you and i sure hope you feel somewhat better within yourself soon,anything i can do ,just let me know ok. :)

02-25-2007, 01:24 PM
I read through the whole post also.
I am sorry to hear of anyone going through so much turmoil and heartache, our family will light a candle for your lost child, and for you and your husband. I wish there was more to be said to help you with your grieving, but it is difficult to grieve, and because of that it seems to be more difficult to help a friend while they are grieving. I feel a lot of friends and family too, don't know what to say or how to help so they withdraw instead.

Our prayers, and also our altar to send you healing and happiness energy.

the Goodnows.

02-25-2007, 04:19 PM
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some rough times right now.:( I hope that things start getting better for you. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

02-25-2007, 08:42 PM
Thank you all so much for the wonderful replies! Knowing people care and that I am not alone is a great comfort to me. I've been doing a lot of praying today, and I believe I have come to terms with a lot of things but it still is hard.

One day at a time, right? God always has a plan!

Again thank you so much for listening to me vent, venting it out helped a great deal.

a great big *HUG* to all of you!

02-25-2007, 11:15 PM
Hey - I, for one, would love to read a thread about the good things happening to you in music! :D

02-26-2007, 01:20 AM
Hey - I, for one, would love to read a thread about the good things happening to you in music! :D

Thanks :D I'm a DJ (hence my username lol) and I just put out a couple of demo mixes online. The responses so far have been really positive, and a couple of people have been hinting at possible gigs they want me to play. It's wierd, I was mixing a little bit more mainstream beats and wasn't getting much of anywhere, then I started to mix things that people don't hear a lot of and now people can't get enough. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated on that, as dispite all the negatives of late, music keeps me in a positive frame of mind.

I just stopped in to update...the local newspaper just put out a story about the accident involving my friend:


Its so wierd having someone you know be front page news...especially like this. I wish I knew what I was feeling but I really don't