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Maya & Inka's mommy
12-08-2006, 07:56 AM
A long search for the old Jokes-thread once started by our Popcornbird, didn't help me find it... :rolleyes: .

But, hey, with a new year coming up, how about starting a brand new JOKES Thread?! A good joke is always good for the spoul, or like my granddad used to say : "A good joke a day, keeps the doctor away" . ( he got 92 :D )

Let's start!! Post as many jokes as you like!


A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked
inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider
eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. ************************************************** *********************

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person
inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

"Bullfighting," the guide replied.

The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

Maya & Inka's mommy
12-08-2006, 07:59 AM
One more, a little bit "naughty" ;)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.


"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"


"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!", she replied....

jujuboy
12-08-2006, 08:12 AM
a drunk guy trips and stumbles his way inside a bar...
finally he sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey...
being quite drunk and not being able to focus...
he finally notices a horse sitting next to him having a beer...
he takes a good, hard, long, look and finally says...
"Hey buddy, (hic)..why the long face??"... :p

Why didn't the skeleton jump of the cliff?
Coz he didnt have the guts!!!... :D

yeah, yeah, i know corny!!... :)

buttercup132
12-08-2006, 08:27 AM
Blonde Diary:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108 lbs!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the stupid phone!

What a year!!

borzoimom
12-08-2006, 08:35 AM
Buttercup- ROFL!!!!!

jackmilliesmom
12-08-2006, 10:10 AM
Heres one got it a while back but made me laugh - sorry if it offends someone but I am catholic and I still laughed...



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

jackmilliesmom
12-08-2006, 10:13 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game,

he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

jackmilliesmom
12-08-2006, 10:14 AM
Will look up a couple more later busy at work right now - sorry

lvpets2002
12-08-2006, 10:37 AM
Reading Test

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now read each line
Now go to the third word & read straight down.. :D

lvpets2002
12-08-2006, 10:53 AM
Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux..
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile..
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed on his rump..
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfull..
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding..
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He thin hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room..
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?
"Well", Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror..

Maya & Inka's mommy
12-08-2006, 04:25 PM
How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving those coarse ass hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

borzoimom
12-08-2006, 04:33 PM
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bad........... :D

GreyhoundGirl
12-08-2006, 05:48 PM
In the Christmas mood!

If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts (sp?) get?

Mistletoe!

xcolbi
12-08-2006, 06:04 PM
Dog Fight (Sorry if this offends anyone, I thought it was funny :) )
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."


A Cat's Diary:
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.


Three Racehorses:
Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"


The Old Man And The Parrot: (This one is kind of bad :o )
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

jujuboy
12-09-2006, 10:32 AM
I like the old man and the parrot :D ...and here i am thinking, gee i better hold back on any jokes that might offend or be a little too rude.. :) ..they are quite funny...

gini
12-09-2006, 12:38 PM
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right
side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at
the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?


If you do not know, see answer below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.





























Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

borzoimom
12-09-2006, 12:45 PM
Rofl!!!!

Dorothy39
12-09-2006, 03:32 PM
I don't think I'm going to survive reading this thread( eyes are stinging from the tears :D )


The Old Man and the Parrot did it!!! :D :D

I've never heard that one before !!!!!!!!

dogzr#1
12-09-2006, 06:25 PM
Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

buttercup132
12-09-2006, 06:46 PM
Consumer Labels



In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!
Hahha oh wow. Those little comments under them njust made them that much more funnier!

Maya & Inka's mommy
12-11-2006, 05:20 AM
Uh oh.....

A guy goes to a super-maket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at
him. She says, "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife.
He says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in it?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

cassiesmom
12-11-2006, 06:41 PM
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. (This one never fails to crack me up)

How can you tell when a trombonist has a steady job? He's got a Domino's Pizza sign on his car.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

(sorry pittie lovers but I sing alto and this is my favorite soprano joke)
Do you know the difference between a pit bull and an operatic soprano? Lipstick.

One more:
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! Frightened, the student yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped; what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass solo."

dogzr#1
12-11-2006, 06:54 PM
Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one. :p

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.






Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

borzoimom
12-11-2006, 07:01 PM
15 Things To Do At Walmart


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

cassiesmom
12-11-2006, 07:03 PM
I'm a nurse ... these always give me a smile!

You might be a nurse if:
-When someone asks to borrow a pen, you always have two or three on hand.
-When watching daytime TV, you throw something at the screen when the nurses do nothing but flirt with the doctors and answer the telephones.
-When watching prime-time TV, you throw something at the screen when the characters say or do something you know would never happen in the real world.
-You know what the July syndrome is.
-When waiting in line at the supermarket, you find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins.
-Your bladder is the size of the water tank on a Winnebago.
-You screen your calls on your day off, in case it's someone from the hospital calling to ask you to work.
-When using the sink in a public washroom, you scrub your hands for a full minute and turn off the faucet using your elbows.
-You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
-You know by heart the phone numbers of every late-night food delivery place in town.
-Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is really no big deal to you.
-You can tell the pharmacist more about the drugs he's dispensing than he can tell you.
-In your favorite dream, you leave a grand mess at a patient's bedside, and tell a doctor to clean it up.

cassiesmom
12-11-2006, 07:19 PM
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty. (Groan...)

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not a person. So the question is not how many cats it takes to change the light bulb, but how long before I can expect light?

gini
12-18-2006, 02:46 PM
Who is more honest with God than children?




UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

GreyhoundGirl
12-18-2006, 02:59 PM
The one about the man and the homeless bum

The homeless bum asks the man for $2,

HM) May I have $2 please, your genorosity would never be forgotten.

Man) Would you use it for booze?

HM) no, I swear I won't

Man) Would you spend it gambling?

HM) No, I swear.

Man) Will you come home with me? I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't gamble and drink.


:p

JALB
12-19-2006, 10:37 PM
Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

On a chicken roll bag...

INSTRUCTIONS (which are on the bag!)

1. Take off wrapper and throw away bag .

Okay, I did that. Now what?

On a Razor scooter...

Caution: This object moves when in use.

Maya & Inka's mommy
12-20-2006, 03:58 AM
After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally
blessed with the birth of its first child. The wife told her husband
to put an announcement in the local paper. When he returned from the
newspaper office, she asked him what details he had included. "Just
the name, address and date," he said. "How much did it cost?" "About
six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied. "Why so much?" the
stunned woman exclaimed. "Well, after I wrote out the announcement,
the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week
for six years."

Maya & Inka's mommy
12-20-2006, 03:59 AM
President Bush addressed a gathering of the
American Indian Nation in New York State. He
spoke for an hour on his future plans for
increasing the Native American's standard of
living. He affirmed that as President he had
supported every Indian issue that came before
him. The President was vague on details of his
plan, although he was enthusiastic about future
ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the chief
presented the President with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle."
President Bush then proudly departed in his
motorcade, waving to the crowds. The press
closed in on the chief:

News reporter: "Chief, could you tell us why you
selected that Indian name for President Bush?"

Chief: "Walking Eagle is a name given to a bird
so full of crap it cannot fly."

AvaJoy
01-04-2007, 07:38 PM
Two stray female cats were chatting under the street light about what they would like for Christmas. One said she would like three kittens, and the other replied that she would like four kittens. A tom cat strutted down the alley, singing "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus . . . "! :cool:

theterrierman
01-04-2007, 08:24 PM
There was a farmer who had a beautiful show horse, its most striking feature being its bright blue eyes. It was always in demand for stud service, the horse made the farmer a small fortune. However, one day, about 2 days before the most prestigious show of the year, where his horse would be competing against the creme-de-la-creme, the horse's beautiful blue eyes went crossed. So the farmer called up his nearest veterinarian, who was located over 2 hours away. He says "my horse's eyes are crossed, and theres a major show in a couple days," so the vet comes down to the farmer's ranch. The vet says "grab me a hose, cut it to about a 4 foot length," so the guy brings over about 4 foot of hose. The farmer shoves 2 foot of the hose up the horses arse, and blows as hard as he can. The horses eyes immediately go straight. The vet charges the farmer $400 for the trip. So, about 4 months later, the horses eyes cross again. The farmer goes to his shed, grabs a length of hose, shoves it in the horse, and blows like a tuba player. Nothing. So, he calls his two very dumb but strong farmhands over. The first one blows as hard as he can in the pipe, the horses eyes move a little, then go right back crossed. Next, the second, and even stronger farmhand walks over, grabs the hose, pulls it out of the horses butt, reverses it and shoves it back in. Then, he starts blowing on it as hard as he can. The farmer and the hand are just about puking. The farmer finally says "dude, what the heck are you doing?" and the farmhand replies "well, you think I want YOUR germs?"

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:39 PM
lol- some of these are REALLY good. lol...

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:44 PM
Why is it that humans feel sorry of orphaned children, but rarely, if ever, feel sorry for their parents?

You can pick your noes, and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friends noes!

You know you're in trouble when your feet smell and your noes runs. :D (love that one)

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:45 PM
This one is better. ;)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:49 PM
I love this one. Maybe because I'm naturally blonde.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.

hehehe

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:50 PM
Y2K

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 12:55 PM
Last one: I like this one. LOL :D

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

theterrierman
01-05-2007, 01:52 PM
There's these two guys standing by a huge hole in the ground having a beer. It's too dark to tell how deep it is, so one guy throws a rock in the hole, and waits for the sound of it hitting the bottom. Nothing. So, the second guy throws a full can of beer down the hole, and waits for the sound of it hitting. Still nothing. So the first guy grabs a railroad tie, and pushes it down the hole. Nothing happens still. About 10 seconds later, this tiny Yorkshire Terrier comes running faster than a car, and jumps into the hole. Well, the guys are stunned. About a minute later, this old scottish guy comes over, and in a thick accent, he asks "have ya seen ma weeeeeee yorkshire terrier?" To which one of the guys replies "ya, he just ran like hades past us and jumped down the hole over there." The scotsman replies "nah, that wasn't him, he's 15 years old and can barely walk, and anyway, I tied him to a big friggin railroad tie"

gini
01-05-2007, 05:02 PM
I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 05:04 PM
lol :p Gini

DrKym
01-05-2007, 07:40 PM
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . . Duh! I wanted to say..."here's your sign!". but instead....

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me...

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door :eek: :D

GreyhoundGirl
01-05-2007, 07:45 PM
Rofl!!!!!!!!!!! :d :d

Dorothy39
01-05-2007, 08:00 PM
Goodnow~ :D

Laughing too hard to type~~~( call 911, call 911)

karlyb
01-06-2007, 03:41 AM
I've read the Purina diet joke a few times before and laugh like a loon each time. Thanks for posting it, Goodnow!

GreyhoundGirl
01-09-2007, 06:26 PM
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

DrKym
01-09-2007, 06:28 PM
Rofl GGirl! and yes karlyb I love that one too! every time i get it in email I giggle! :D

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-11-2007, 02:14 PM
great jokes everybody!! the one about showering like a woman and man had me laughing so hard!! :D

GreyhoundGirl
01-11-2007, 03:32 PM
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

~~~~

( :p Sorta a strange one)

~~~~

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

~~~~

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

xcolbi
01-11-2007, 04:16 PM
In this joke you sort of have to know the titles of a couple Britney Spears songs, but it's still funny if you don't know. :p


One day, Britney Spears walks into a bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. Suddenly, she farts.

Bartender: Who farted?!
Britney: Oops, I did it again!

The next day, Britney walks into the same bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. She farts again.

Bartender: Who farted?!?!
Britney: Stronger than yesterday!

GreyhoundGirl
01-11-2007, 04:18 PM
As for the oops I did it again. Did you know there was a song made mocking her song called "ooops I farted again" It's HILARIOUS!!! By one of my favourite singers (wierd taste ya know...) Wierd Al Yandovic. Look it up!!! :D

there are 2 songs by him mocking her

"ooops I farted again" and "Bitchney Spears"

Maya & Inka's mommy
01-26-2007, 01:12 PM
The young man said to his sweetheart,

"We're going to have a great time tonight.
I have three theater tickets."

The young girl said,
"Why do we need three tickets?"

"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"

Maya & Inka's mommy
01-26-2007, 01:14 PM
A man enters the doc's office.

"Okay, tell me why you are here!"
"Okay! Every morning I pee at 7 AM, and then I do my "big business" at 7.15 sharp!"
"So, what is your problem then???"
"I only get up at 7.30 PM doc!!"

Maya & Inka's mommy
01-26-2007, 01:20 PM
Sorry for the blondes on PT, it is just a joke :p

A Blondes' Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo... bottles won't fit in printer!

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...bad instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911..."Duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My PC keeps saying : "You've got mail !!"

cassiesmom
02-07-2007, 04:46 PM
Three kids rang the neighbor's doorbell. When she answered, the oldest one said, "Mrs. Johnson, we're on a scavenger hunt. We'll win a dollar if we come back with three grains of wheat, a piece of used carbon paper, and a pork chop bone. Can you help us?"

Mrs. Johnson answered, "My goodness, kids! Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

cassiesmom
02-07-2007, 04:53 PM
I've never heard the Purina Diet joke before! Have you ever tried to laugh silently? I almost blew up! Our office is totally pet-friendly (7 dogs, 12 cats, a bunny, two cockatiels, and one person has just the neatest aquarium and I'm not sure how many fish he has now!) so I will see that this gets around.

Kfamr
02-07-2007, 06:06 PM
Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one. :p

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.





May a horrible rash be lashed upon the person who created that! :p
Surprisingly, a lot of people do some of these things to us (specifically, #'s 2, 10, 13, 17, and 19. I blame it on their stupidity. :p

Maya & Inka's mommy
02-13-2007, 01:32 PM
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause I dropped it in the toilet last week.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, ! "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He pickedup the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy calledout." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy'svoice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

xcolbi
02-13-2007, 04:11 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

GreyhoundGirl
02-15-2007, 05:13 PM
hahaha :p

cassiesmom
02-15-2007, 11:46 PM
I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
----------------

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one!! And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:
You know I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Shih-tzu:
Puh-leese dah-ling, let the staff do it.

Labrador:
Oh, me! Me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Yorkie:
I won't be able to see my stunning self if that light bulb doesn't get changed.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can someone else get it? You see, I've got this hangover, and ...
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

German Shepherd:
I'll change it just as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to ensure that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?


Cat:
Pets do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

cassiesmom
03-02-2007, 05:02 PM
q: What do you call a blonde standing in a closet?
a: the 1987 World Hide-and-Seek Champion

(sorry blondes, my very blonde, straight-A student niece collects clean blonde jokes! this one cracked me up!)

Dorothy39
03-02-2007, 07:31 PM
[QUOTE=cassiesmom]I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
----------------
Yes!!!! I do remember that check out line remark , and "Yes" , I received the same story in an e-mail today.(How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb :D )

Here's one for Lut~

Two birds are sitting up in a tree, watching the ground below.

A small turtle has worked his way back toward the tree trunk and begins to scale the mighty Oak , one more time.

Of course, the turtle falls back to the ground, yet, is determined to make his way back up to the upper branches of the tree. This goes on for well over an hour.

And then, one of the birds says to the other:


"I think it's time to tell him that he's adopted"~

dogzr#1
03-03-2007, 07:19 PM
I thought this was so funny! It's kinda bad, but still funny.




10 Worst Company URLs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

xcolbi
03-03-2007, 09:49 PM
HAHA! That's really funny! :p


A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
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.
.
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.
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.
.
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.
.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

BCollie_Kelly
03-03-2007, 10:54 PM
Liver & Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, a little Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Dorothy39
03-03-2007, 11:07 PM
:D says Dorothy39!!!

BCollie_Kelly
03-03-2007, 11:20 PM
Seven reasons NOT to mess with little children

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you dosomething wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to --heck--?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, or That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Maya & Inka's mommy
03-24-2007, 03:55 PM
The moon??

Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other,"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend."You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said,"Sorry, I don't live around here." ************************************************** ****************
A pun

What did Cinderella say when the photo shop lost her negatives? "Some day, my prints will come".

Maya & Inka's mommy
03-30-2007, 09:14 AM
Men are like

Bank Accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government Bonds.They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that areleft are either handicapped or extremely small.

Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

cassiesmom
04-22-2007, 11:31 PM
Q: What do you give a 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

:)

cassiesmom
05-30-2007, 06:05 PM
I heard this story on the radio today - made me laugh aloud...

A man was outside mowing his lawn when the mower stopped working. He borrowed his neighbor's mower to finish the lawn. In spite of his wife's repeated requests, he never quite got around to taking the mower to the repair shop.

His wife, frustrated with the shaggy lawn, decided to try to prove her point. She took her small sewing scissors, went outside and started clipping, blade by blade. When the man arrived, he said, "Honey, what are you doing?"

"Cutting the grass," she answered. He turned, went in the house and returned in a few minutes with an old toothbrush.

"While you're out here," he asked, handing her the toothbrush, "do you think you could sweep the driveway?"

His doctors advise that he will be able to walk again, but always with a limp.

cassiesmom
06-13-2007, 07:35 PM
A piece of string goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, thanks."

The bartender replies, "Sorry, sir, but we don't serve string here."

So the string goes outside. The string stops a passerby and asks, "Here, help me get these ends crossed over themselves, and rub me against that brick wall over there." The passerby complies and goes on his way.

The piece of string heads back into the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, thanks." Puzzled, the bartender says, "Wait a minute - Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Catty1
06-13-2007, 07:46 PM
This baby seal walks into a club.....

cassiesmom
07-02-2007, 02:07 PM
A friend's son (age 7) told me this joke at church yesterday.

q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
a: Take away his chair.

:)

beeniesmom
03-13-2009, 12:53 PM
I just got this in an email:

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...
until they stop running.

2. Strike while the...
bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before...
Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of...
termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but...
How?

6. Don't bite the hand that...
looks dirty.

7. No news is...
impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a...
Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...
Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...
stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust...
Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...
pigs.

13. An idle mind is...
the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's...
pollution.

15. Happy the bride who...
gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is...
not much.

17. Two's company, three's...
the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...
you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as...
Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not...
spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...
get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you...
see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind...
get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand...
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than...
Pregnant.

Randi
02-09-2012, 11:54 AM
Qantas is the Australian airline. After every flight, pilots complete a bug report to the mechanics to make visible the problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems that Qantas pilots have filed, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers... :D

http://PetoftheDay.com/talk/attachment.php?attachmentid=52566&d=1328806265

cassiesmom
02-09-2012, 12:06 PM
What did the garbanzo say to the chickpea when he had a fever?
I falafel. :rolleyes:

redbird
02-11-2012, 01:36 PM
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and

Thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new

CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a

Wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that

He meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a

Week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a

Week. Why?"



The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came

Back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's

Four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

Asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said,



"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Karen
02-11-2012, 01:39 PM
That's a good one! ;)

redbird
02-11-2012, 02:02 PM
STELLA AWARDS:


It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for year -- 2011:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more, so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.


If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.






STELLA AWARDS:


It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for year -- 2011:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more, so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.