Would this upset you? [Archive]

Lobodeb

10-16-2006, 01:17 PM

Here's the skinny.

My husband doesn't drive. Never has, probably never will. No reason other than choice (and spoiled and laziness if you ask me).

So, I just celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I woke up in the morning to a birthday card by my purse (he leaves much earlier than I do). It was all nice and mushy, etc.

I get to work, I have flowers and balloons on my desk waiting for me. No, not from him, from some co-workers. E-mails and cards are sent to me, they take me out to lunch, it was a very nice day. Oh, by the way, I hadn't heard from the hubby all day.

I get home, he asks how my day was. I told him how generous my co-workers were. He asks about the flowers, I describe them. I asked if they were the only flowers I received. Yes. He asks if I'm sure. YES. He said, "that's weird, because I had some sent to you just like those. Are you sure they didn't just take off my card and put their names on it." After a long phone call with FTD, the flowers he bought me arrived after I left. Nice.

Come on! Who does that?

Then, we were going to go out for dinner. But, by the time I got home, got the baby ready and finally got out, it was around 8 PM. My husband has to be at work by 5 AM. He couldn't keep his eyes open. I suggested we do the dinner another night. We get home, he tells me "sorry I couldn't get you anything, but my cousin couldn't take me to the store today."

Today? You just tried to get me something today? He has access to all of Chicago's down town, and the internet and he relies on his cousin to take him shopping the day of my birthday? :mad: Oh, I forgot to add that his reason for not getting me any Christmas gifts last year was the same, that his cousin couldn't take him. I was 9 months pregnant and found my fat a$$ to the store, but he couldn't get a ride.

Now, let me also add that we've been having A LOT of problems lately, so he can't do a lot of things right as it is. AND, I'm a bit spoiled.

He went the next day and got me a DVD and a pair of head phones for my iPod and some tickets to see a dance group. My feeling was too little too late.

I got him an ESPN phone for his birthday. His birthday was 1 month after Hugito was born. So here I am, post-op, getting the baby dressed to go out in the dead of Chicago winter to spend the equivalent of a car payment on a cell phone with a baby in tow, and I get a DVD and head phones.

He wonders why I'm upset. :rolleyes:

Am I wrong to be so upset?

caseysmom

10-16-2006, 01:23 PM

Husky_mom

10-16-2006, 01:56 PM

my thoughts also, men (not all again) are not made to remember important stuff like that, some wouldn´t even remember their own bdays if their mother/wife didn´t reminded them........

as said he seemed to have the decency of getting you a card and some late flowers (again florist mistake) but still he sended you some........nice gesture

but still, I believe he shouldn´t rely on his cousin to get you something, you are not his cousins wife!!.......as you said you walked whereever pregnant and/or just recently op........just to get HIM a present, he SHOULD´ve thought of that gesture of yours and get his butt walking to get you a NICE thing, no matter if you are spoiled or not, you give what you receive and you honey.........are not receiving what you gave.......

and i know some times you just dont have the $$ to splurge as you might want to, but still make a memorable moment out of the day, I myself have posponed some dinner times and all, and I also have went shopping the very same day, but only if I just was too busy or haven´t found something that fullfilled my expectations, or even said I didn´t get you anything cause there was nothing I liked, but if you like something i´ll get it for you..........so there are no excuses for not getting you somethign on your bday, I know it´s not good to be materialistic (I´m not) but you expect to get something nice when thats all you´ve been doing (it´s nice to get spolied on bdays/anniversaries)

I read from some PTer , just can´t remember whom (LOL sorry) you can get something nice and add a thank you note to HIS credit card statement LOL...... that way he won´t need his cousin to get you something........

moosmom

10-16-2006, 01:59 PM

Caseysmom is right, some men are just not programmed to think that far ahead.

At least he got you something, as late as it might be. It's not worth arguing over or staying mad at him for.

Glacier

10-16-2006, 02:23 PM

If I expected Stuart to remember things like my birthday, I'd be choked. However, I got sick of being ticked off when he forgot. He has trouble even remembering what day it is, he is always off by a day or two. I can't remember the last time I got a card from him for any occasion!

So instead of getting mad at him, I take his Visa card (we don't have a joint card so the bill goes solely to him. I have my own card that I pay.) and buy myself whatever I want for my birthday and Christmas. Then I tell him about it later! I got a lovely ring for my b-day this year! His card has purchased my entire Kiefer Sutherland/24 DVD collection! It would be nice if he remembered, but it's never going to happen so this works out for both of us.

Stuart is a good husband in other ways--faithful, trustworthy, hardworking, ect, ect....The gift battle just didn't seem like one worth fighting about.

It sounds like you have bigger issues in your marriage than just that he messed up on your birthday. Maybe this was just the last straw that ticked you off??

Karen

10-16-2006, 02:55 PM

Every guy is different. My birthday is impossible for Paul to miss, as it is the day after his mother's and my father's birthday, so we spend time prior to it discussing what to get them. And Paul is always more prepared for these things than I, too.

My dad? Dad is hopeless at these things. He remembers that my birthday is right next to his - just forgets which side it's on! And the rest of my siblings? Nah! If asked, he knows the month, and year - close enough, right? One year, for Christmas, his neighbor bought a calendar for him, then called me and wrote down all the birthdays of the family on the calendar for him. That was the one year he got everyone right! We know he loves us, that's what matters. Birthdays were always Ma's responsibility - and now we know why!

Lady's Human

10-16-2006, 03:13 PM

The SOLE reason I remember Jen's birthday is that it's on July 5th. Otherwise I would either forever be in the doghouse, or she would learn to deal with it.

I get my siblings' birthdays wrong, I know the month, that's about it, and I can remember the kids' birthdays every once in a while. It's not neglect, it's not that I don't love them, it just is.

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

Vela

10-16-2006, 03:57 PM

Well really it's not his fault that the flowers were late, most people procrastinate gift buying so really that's not something to be offended about, he did put a card in your purse, and he did buy you some nice gifts when he was able to go get them. I think you should be grateful your husband does those things at all, most don't, and if he didn't drive before and that was okay with you, it's not something you can get mad about now. I know this may not be the popular thing to say, but I think it's nice he even remembered....many don't try at ALL.

moosmom

10-16-2006, 04:15 PM

LH,

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

AMEN brother!!!

IRescue452

10-16-2006, 04:23 PM

He sent you flowers and remembered your birthday, to me that would be great. My mom used to forget my birthday when I was a kid. I'd cry myself to sleep thinking about how much my mom doesn't care about me. So anything to me is better than nothing.
But it sounds like your being upset is more because of a slump in your relationship than about the presents.

mugsy

10-16-2006, 04:23 PM

Interestingly enough, I think that he was nice enough to get you some nice gifts, but, my husband thinks you have the right to be upset! lol

We have agreed that we don't buy gifts because we are strapped for money and I don't want to feel guilty about spending or receiving. My birthday is on Thursday of this week and Mike agreed to take a class with me, so that's my present and it will cost us $18. My thought is that I am happy just being able to spend time together with him and the dogs.

And like Lady's Human, I say, don't sweat the small stuff and while my husband can irritate the snot out of me, I have come to the conclusion that getting upset over "stupid" stuff just isn't worth it...and not worth fighting or putting my marriage in jeopardy.

And it is true that most men are not as sentimental as women. Although, Mike remembers the day we met...not just the first date....

lizbud

10-16-2006, 04:38 PM

Well, I don't know your husband, but I do reject the idea that all men
are like that, so just deal with it. :mad: I would be hurt if that were my husband. It's all of matter of consideration & knowing how much some things
mean to the person they love.They live together, they should know each
others feelings on what's important to their other half. Just my opinion.

Lobodeb

10-16-2006, 04:46 PM

Thanks for your comments everyone.

First of all, yes, we are having problems so this could be the tip of the iceburg. Second of all, this isn't about the amount he spent on gifts, but the thought behind them. Third, in the past, he's always been very thoughtful about birthdays, mom's day, valentine's day even easter! He once got mad at me because I didn't wish him a happy Sweetest Day! I never even heard of the day before then.

catnapper

10-16-2006, 04:52 PM

My birthday this year? I got a free meal at our favorite restaurant.... and I paid for HIS meal! I didn't get a card. I did get a silly birthday serenade in the morning. Then that was it. :rolleyes: His birthday is 10 days after mine so he basically got the same thing that he gave me. Of course our finances are pretty awful right now so there's not much we CAN give each other, but even when we did have some cash in the bank, birthdays, anniversaries, etc were all alike. At Christmas he runs out and gets me the same thing: a new Charles Dickens house for my collection and maybe something else... like last year I wanted a jacket that was on sale. I handed him a slip of paper with the size, color, and location of it in the store. I was soooo surprised when I opened it and it was actually what I'd asked for~ ROTFL

I didn't vote because I wouldn't be upset, but I don't think you're being a diva. :)

Dorothy39

10-16-2006, 04:54 PM

Me and My husbands Birthday are one day apart, so, there's no way he can't remember mine, and , vise versa.

However, If I were to even "think" that he might buy me a card, and then get upset , because he didn't, well, we wouldn't have made it this far!!!!

He is like most men, not wired to think of important dates, but his Heart and Soul is always there for me every single day of the year.

Life is too short, and sooner or later, Birthdays become a blur of smokey candles. :o

Suki Wingy

10-16-2006, 05:32 PM

I'd be mad!

my thoughts also, men (not all again) are not made to remember important stuff like that, some wouldn´t even remember their own bdays if their mother/wife didn´t reminded them.......
My dad didn't remember how old he was last b-day, he had to stop and do the math!

BOBS DAD

10-16-2006, 05:38 PM

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

I am sorry Lobodeb. I apologize for your husband, myself and all men. I don't think it is right - especially when I hear about it directly from women in stories just like yours - but it just happens to be how most men are. I do think the cousin excuse can be a bit of a crutch, as you say he has access to downtown Chicago. I must admit that I really don't "get" the birthdays, anniversary and various other dates of celebration. I would just as soon forget about them all and just go about living. And yes.. I mean even and maybe especially for myself. I would not care if I NEVER got another gift to commemorate these events. I do remember to get things for my wife... but only because I know it is important to her. I myself don't get it and I have to really force myself to try and remember to remember!!!

popcornbird

10-16-2006, 06:42 PM

I would not be upset at all. In fact, as much as I hope you won't be upset at me for saying this...I do feel your reaction to what he thought to be 'thoughtfulness' is completely ungrateful, as a wife. Love and understanding is not only supposed to come from the man. It goes both ways, and as you are his wife, you should be understanding of him. I sometimes feel us women can be too demanding of our husbands, and give the poor men a hard time.

Women, by nature, are more sentimental than men. Men and women see love from a different light, and what women like are sometimes things men don't care for, or don't remember. That's not because your husband doesn't love you. Its because he's a man. He doesn't think like you do, as he can't. You're a woman, he's a man. You need to learn to deal with that reality. Have you ever read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It really helps in giving husbands and wives a deeper understanding of their spouse, and why men and women do things the way they do.

Your husband had written out a loving card to surprise you. He sent you flowers. What more do you expect from him? If he didn't love you, do you really think he would write those mushy, touching things in the card, or send you flowers? He is a human being, and everyone makes mistakes. Husbands and wives have such a deep, close relationship, and because of the intensity of our contact, there's a greater chance of misunderstanding each other. Tolerance, patience, and forgiveness are very important in a marriage, and even more so when there's also a child in the picture.

I personally don't care about birthdays. My birthday is the same day as our wedding anniversary, so there's no way for my husband to forget...but birthdays don't mean much to me. He shows me his love every day of the week. He gets me flowers for no particular reason, or for no particular event...just when he wants to make me feel special. I wouldn't care if he forgot to get me something on a special event. Men don't remember dates like we do. As long as he shows me love, he gets my love. Everyone makes mistakes, and if its your husband who made them, well, forgive him. If this is his only problem, there's no reason to be mad at him. He is your husband, and father of your child. Family should be first to forgive each other, and try to refrain from getting upset for little things.

Also, realistically, the romance and passion we have during the early years of marriage does decrease with time, and if we don't have true love, once the romance lessens, marriages collapse. Romance and gifts should be a part of marriage, but not what its based on, and not the only thing love thrives on. Just think about it. I'm sure he had the best of intentions.

Edwina's Secretary

10-16-2006, 07:18 PM

BOBS DAD

10-16-2006, 09:20 PM

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

Edwina,

Your point is a different and interesting take on the subject. I've thought about it and pondered your sentiment, but I have to say that I think it is more complex than you make it. For instance, it is not a matter of my remembering and learning that is the fundamental difference between my wife and I - and apparently from the previous posts - most men and their wives.

I do remember these dates (but I have to really concentrate, tie strings on fingers, place postits on my computer screen. etc., etc.) and try and buy something that makes my wife happy, send her flowers and what not. But really... I could care less. I would rather we not worry about these "special days". They are just another day to me. I do it because I know it means something to my wife. I mean, it really, really, really means something to her.

I think my family gets more out of anything they may do for me or anything they get me for my birthday than I do. My wife sometimes crys when I tell her that at about 10 or so when I was a kid, my parents stopped doing anything special for we children and definitely did not buy us gifts. We just had our usual dinner and afterwards my brothers and sister would sing Happy Birthday and we all had a great cake that my Mom baked. To me that was normal and I was quite content with it. Anyways, I have to reiterate that I do think women and men are very, very different when it comes to these things and that it is not simply a matter of caring about each other.

But back to Lobodeb... the more I think about it, the less I like the cousin excuse!!! That's just too easy and maybe if nothing else, that may make me more upset/angry than anything else.

And Popcornbird... where were "you" when I was single??? You are like every man's dream wife!!! LOL. Just kidding... but you are quite the exception when it comes to our bad habits and shortcomings!

mugsy

10-17-2006, 07:20 AM

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

Oh Sara, I am SO glad you said that! Mike had to remind me the first 3 years we were married of our anniversary! He remembers dates really well and it's kind of embarrassing! lol

Cookiebaker

10-17-2006, 07:22 AM

what ;an interesting thread. I guess that the only thing there is to be upset about is the underlying attitude, not about the gift itself. For example take two scenarios:

#1 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Uhhhhh...it's my duty, and uhhhh....it is your birthday, so I had to buy you something....and I did it because my co-workers were watching....and I thought maybe I would get laid tonight if I made you happy"

#2 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Because you are the love of my life, and I wanted to get you the nicest thing that I could think of....because I can't spend a day without you...and because I wanted to please YOU"

The gift is NOT the question, nor the answer. What is the underlying motive?? So to answer your question, no, I would not be upset, because I know for fact that Mark tends to get stumped at buying gifts for me, and it probably was effort for him to think of something that I would like.

I hope things work out for you and your hubby.

timlewis

10-17-2006, 08:46 AM

I think u should just get over it myself, not just cause im a guy. I buy my wife everything she wants and then some, but she never goes out and just buys me anything and i could care less. I bought her a Toyota 4 Runner for christmas last year and i cant remember what i got, u should do what we usually do for b-days christmas anniversary ect. i give my wife about $500 dollars a little less or more for christmas and she buys what she wants. She isnt helpless, not saying u are, but she is a grown woman. This year i got Daisy in august for my b-day which is in september, i gave her $300 dollars which is what Daisy cost in september and her b-day is in July. She never said a word except that she didnt care as long as the kids were took care of. The only two gifts i have ever bought her that she didnt know about is the 4 Runner and a charm with my 2 kids picture on it. So no offense but just be happy with what GOD has blessed u with (ur husband and kids), and in my opinion ur not being a DIVA but u are being a BRAT which is what kids are. I hope u dont get mad but u did ask what we thought.

Pembroke_Corgi

10-17-2006, 10:37 AM

I guess I have a different opinion than most of the people who posted- I would be upset, and I can understand where you are coming from. I think the thing that would annoy me the most is that he said his cousin couldn't pick him up as an excuse TWICE. And the day before hand. There are other modes of transport in Chicago, like a bus.

I know that no one is perfect, but I do think it's important for people to remember things that are important to their loved ones. Of course it's not the end of the world but I do think telling him how you felt might be a good idea. Maybe he just "doesn't get it."

Vela

10-17-2006, 10:42 AM

I agree with cookiebaker, a lot of what popcornbird said, and with a lot of what Tim said. You should try to see the good things in his gestures rather than try to put your values or how you do things onto him. He did a very nice thing, maybe not the way YOU would have done it, but he's not you. I have hardly ever recived flower or cards from my husband of 17 years, but presents and things are not the basis of a marriage. If this is upsetting you so much, perhaps you should try some conseling to get to the bottom of what the issues really are so you guys can figure things out and be happy. Having a baby is often stressful on a marriage so maybe a little counseling would help you gusy out. Good luck.

Cataholic

10-17-2006, 10:45 AM

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

I cannot even begin to tell you how right on this post is.

It. Is. An. Excuse. Dress it up in gender issues, cloud it behind "don't sweat the little stuff", or whatever. If it is important to you it should be important enough to him to recognize.

Don't sweat the little stuff? Life it too short? Darn tootin'! Find a man, or woman, or partner, or dog that views life the way you do. Life is too short to spend it with someone that isn't on the same page as you.

Those that say they deal with it? Or, get over it? I would have to imagine that your partner is spot on most of the time, OR, that the issue isn't as big/important to you as it is to the OP. That's fine. But, we are not her.

I would be deeply offended to know MY special day is, frankly, no big deal to my partner.

I think you have EVERY right to be upset/offended, and the no driving thing? Sounds pretty much like a 'core' issue to me. I would bet .02 there is more to that story. I mean more than you know about, really. How long have you two been together? How old is your husband? Off chance- he has a reason he can't drive, i.e., he is prohibited from obtaining a license.....that is how I would see it.

K9soul

10-17-2006, 11:00 AM

I read through this last night before I went to bed and it's been going through my mind since. Probably more than it normally would, since my marriage has fallen through (not by my choice), and I have birthday and holidays facing me within the next few months for the first time by myself.

The thing that my mind keeps going back to is waking up to find the card by your purse. To me that would touch me the most and would mean the most to me. That he made sure to have a card and that it was waiting for you when you got up. Something like that would touch me deeply. Maybe that seems odd to some, I can't really put into words why THAT would be the thing that would stand out to me.

David wasn't great with birthdays, "special" dates and gifts either. It was something that never bothered me because I felt he showed his love for me in so many other ways throughout the year. Most the time he forgot to get me a card at all, and gifts were usually just us being out together and him telling me to pick up something I wanted. In the earlier years, he put more thought into those things, but as time passed he grew more lax about it and it was never something I made much of. The thing I did always wish was that he'd at least remember a card, or a note or something like that, but I never felt angry if he forgot. As I said he did so many other things, both large and small, that showed me my importance to him.

He made no secret of the fact that he really didn't enjoy the chore of birthday/Christmas gift getting and giving. It was a chore to him. The days crept up on him and he'd suddenly find himself the day before or the day of, with no idea what to do and I think it actually stressed him out to a degree.

Not to make it sound as if he was selfish and not giving of himself, he was, and is, a VERY giving and considerate person to those he is close to. Any holiday he is up at the crack of dawn and getting to his mom's house to help prepare and then clean up the meal for the large family gatherings. You never have to ask him twice if you need help with something, even now with he and I that's still true.

Anyway, to cut all these ramblings short, it's the little things that I always tried to look at, that meant the most. I never wanted him to do something for my birthday etc simply because it was expected of him, I never wanted anything he did to be because it was a chore or a task he had to get out of the way. When he did do little things, it was all the more special because I didn't expect it of him.

I guess finally, I just want to urge you, and anyone, to embrace fully the little things, and what you have. Treasure the love and companionship you have and don't let it be mired by failed expectations. It can so suddenly and so easily be gone tomorrow, and you will find yourself wishing with all your heart you had not spent the time stuck in resentment over things that really didn't matter so much.

I'd love to wake up on my birthday, and hear my husband tell me happy birthday and he's sorry he forgot to pick up a card, but that he still loves me.

sparks19

10-17-2006, 11:00 AM

You are upset because he didn't get you material things? Honestly I wouldn't care if I didn't get anything. I am slightly disturbed by the way you talk about him in your post.

Basically my way of thinking is.... If I expect something from my husband, I WILL TELL HIM. They aren't mind readers. I know my husband has no idea what to get me. I could tell he was a little anxious about christmas this year and what to get me so I offered to give him a Christmas list. :D Nothing wrong with that, I just understand him and how he is. doesn't mean he loves me any less. I know a lot of women think "well I shouldn't have to tell him what I want he should just know" How is that logical. If your husband got angry at you because you moved something or threw something away you would be upset that he was being so unreasonable. I mean, how are you to know he might need that one day. the same goes for men. You can't be angry at him for not KNOWING what you wanted if you didn't say anything to him about it. it sounds like he works hard as well.

cut him some slack. Material things should not be this important to anyone. To me it is not worth starting a fight with my spouse over something like that. next time tell him what you would like, if he still does nothing then you have every right to be upset, but for now I think you are over reacting. this obviously is not just about the birthday thing though as your words about him are dripping with disdain.

Great post K9Soul. it really is the little things that matter. The little things you will never find with anyone else.

caseysmom

10-17-2006, 11:03 AM

K9soul, Your post was beautiful and so true. I have lost so many loved ones in the last few years I can really relate.

I hope you find love again soon.

Blue_Frog

10-17-2006, 11:05 AM

Heres my rambling take on it :)

It sounds like he did try to get you a card and sent flowers to work, but its the excuses about shopping and after the fact gifting sounds a little sucky. I dont know that its the gift that counted, so much as the thoughts and feelings that he put into it thats the problem.

Its a matter of feeling 'wanted' - if someone has to feel bad or guilty about getting me something, or that im a far-flung thought in their busy day, then don't bother with the gift. Seriously - because i'd feel worse that they felt i was an obligation, than if they hadn't bothered at all.

To me though, birthdays and anniversaries aren't all that important if the person does things to show they care throughout the rest of the year - like doing some random niceness things (like coming home to a backrub, or a clean ferret box ;) ), or just finding little things that i might like (the latest thing was a little monkey with velcro feet just because, and a USB extension cable since i complained once that my printer at work didin't have a long enough cable).

Heck, my perfect birthday would be to spend the time with my bf sharing a bottle of scotch and playing video games (and maybe a backrub, that would be good too!) ;)

I'm also guilty of forgetting anniversaries. I guess its along the lines that i gift all year - if i see something that the person would like, then i get it, or i make it, or whatever and don't wait for a special occasion. I'm terrible at last minute shopping or trying to find the 'perfect' gift -- thats why Christmas is always the most stressful time of the year for me.

Sooo... I guess to sum it up, a birthday, anniverary, or any other special holiday that generally warrants a gift shouldn't be the -only- indicator of a person's feelings for you ... at least in my opinion :)

sparks19

10-17-2006, 11:10 AM

Good post Blue Frog. I am like that too. I don't remember dates very well. It took me almost the entire first year of our marriage to remember the date LOL. Then once I figured it out it was easy LOL. My birthday is June 22nd, my Anniversary is August 22nd, my nieces birthday is September 22nd, my dad's birthday is November 22nd. As for the rest. I haven't a clue. I can't remember things like that very easily LOL. My husband and I always make it a point to mention that our birthdays are approaching LOL because we are both VERY forgetful haha

Cataholic

10-17-2006, 11:11 AM

Sooo... I guess to sum it up, a birthday, anniverary, or any other special holiday that generally warrants a gift shouldn't be the -only- indicator of a person's feelings for you ... at least in my opinion :)

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

caseysmom

10-17-2006, 11:18 AM

To each their own, we all have different priorities. Some choose love and compromise, some choose alone and my way....to each their own.

Lady's Human

10-17-2006, 11:19 AM

For a short answer?

Jen and I are both too set in our ways to change. Our relationship has nothing to do with "settling" for something, more like we appreciate each other as we are too much to worry about the small crap.

Jen has forgotten my birthday, I've forgotten hers, neither of us really give a damn.

K9soul

10-17-2006, 11:27 AM

I didn't "settle for" anything. I accepted the differences in him from myself. I didn't WANT my birthday to be like mowing the yard or cleaning the house. I wouldn't have enjoyed that at all. And if I forgot things he was just as accepting. In fact the vast majority of the time when I was cooking or cleaning he'd run up and either ask to help, insist on taking over, or tell me I didn't need to do all of that.

I was no perfect wife just as he wasn't a perfect husband. I made mistakes, he made mistakes, we both forgave easily and moved on. Even though it is over, I will always treasure the special relationship we had in the years we were together, and I am personally very glad that I never got caught up in being angry and resentful because he forgot to get me a card on my birthday, or was a day late in getting me a gift. I'm sorry but to me those ARE small things in the big scheme and not how I judge whether my mate is a good one (I am not saying that Lobodeb is). There are probably other issues and I can't judge or form an opinion on those things, only what was written about here.

sparks19

10-17-2006, 11:36 AM

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

it goes over fine. He doesn't expect me to remind him to do things. I am forgetful just as he is. If I forget and he happens to remember... GREAT. If he forgets and I remember... GREAT> If we both forget.... Oh Well. there will be other days. My husband never expects me to cook, clean, any of that stuff. I do it becuase I have the time. When I start working we will both be cleaning and cooking supper together. Of course we love cooking together. he sets his own alarm and is responsable for getting himself out of bed and off to work, and he has never had a problem yet. He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry. if the laundry isn't done on a certain day or certain time oh well, if I wanted it done a certain way I would do it myself. We don't EXPECT anything from each other except for unconditional love, respect, and honesty. Everything else doesn't matter.

We don't get angry at each other over such trivial things. it's all about personal responsibility. if he wanted something remembered he would ask me to remember (no big deal if I don't) AND we would write it everywhere and hope we don't forget. If he wants to get up at a certain time for work he sets his alarm clock. If I want something specific I ask for it, I don't expect him to know. and we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say Please and Thank you to each other. even for trivial things like getting me a pop when he is in the kitchen. I always ask if he would mind getting me a pop please, he says sure thing and I say thank you. I finish making the sandwiches while he is doing laundry he always says thank you. Don't take your partner for granted, if you MUST argue then argue about things that are really important (if there is such a thing). We never fight, it's just not worth it. it is not worth it to waste a day being angry at him (or vice versa) because he didn't put the groceries away or because I didnt clean the kitchen.

If being with someone who loves me and respects me is settling then so be it. I have been in crappy relationship after crappy relationship. My husband is one of the greatest men I have ever known. If not getting material things means I am settling then so be it. Getting a car for your birthday doesnt' show how much he loves you... it just shows that your love can be bought.

RICHARD

10-17-2006, 11:40 AM

My mom and dad were married for 53 years.

I don't think I ever heard about their anniversary or birthday plans.

While anniversaries and B-days are indeed special days, I think that they were more involved in the loving, happy marriage and raising 6 kids.

--------------------------------

Don't let one day ruin 364 other days.

Take a second and think about how many people out there will spend an anniversary alone.

This doesn't excuse your hubby's 'inattentiveness".....there are some people who just don't respond well to calendars....

Vela

10-17-2006, 12:01 PM

Great posts K9Soul, Sparks, and Richard. I couldn't agree more. VERY well said. People aren't perfect and it we nitpick the little stuff to death, then we lose sight of the important things. It's just not THAT big of a deal and he DID get flowers and DID get a card ON the day of your birthday. The first year we were married my husband forgot my birthday. It's on Christmas and he just forgot. Well here we are 17 years later. That nitpicky little crap will destroy a marriage if that's all that seems to matter. Worry about the big things. The rest of it IS trivial. Is it worth having angry hard feelings over a birhtday present, to hold onto that and have it cause marital problems over THAT??? Real love is not about whether or not someone gets you the right present on the right day. We don't do valentines, saying Happy Birthday is enough for us, it's the things you do for each other every day that matter. If there is a problem there, then that needs to be addressed on its own, not the issue of presents. People put waaay too much stock in that kind of thing nowdays. I bet people who lost spouses this year would be thrilled just to have a hug or an I love you from the person they lost. Try looking at the positives, not the negatives, there are always negatives in life. It's not settling for less, it's realizing people aren't perfect and we ALL have faults, some of us just learn how to deal with other's because we have faults of our own and realize that no matter who we are with, they will never be perfect and do things exactly as we would like, but if you can't accept other people's faults, why the heck should you expect them to accept yours?

K9soul

10-17-2006, 12:04 PM

sparks19

10-17-2006, 12:25 PM

Sparks you stated it a lot better than I did. That is exactly how our partnership was too, and how I feel an ideal partnership is. I just wanted to say I agree with every last word of your post. I would not do well with someone who had a set of expectations from me, thus I did not turn around have have set expectations from him.

I have found that living life in general that way is the best way to go. Going from day to day with a set of expectations only leads to disappointment and the inability to enjoy the "ride" so to speak. You get caught up in needing things to be a certain way and spend much of your time unhappy when it doesn't. This is something I have learned through personal experience.

thank you LOL although I thought your post was much better :D

I have learned a lot through personal experience but mostly I have learned it through watching my sister. she is the most materialistic person I will probably ever know. Everything to her is about material things. She has to have the best of everything. I remember her starting a fight with her soon to be husband because she couldn't find her expensive towels and she threw a fit cause she couldnt' afford to buy new expensive towels. he suggested just getting some cheap towels until they had the money to replace the good towels. She FREAKED. she went off on a tangent about how she bought them to go with the bathroom and she didn't decorate that bathroom to just put crap in it (lol funny when referring to a bathroom lol). I was appalled. Does a $20 towel do something a $5 towel doesn't? lol. I just see how angry she is ALL the time, I have NEVER heard her and her fiancee say they love each other or even say thank you, or anything nice to each other. I refuse to live life being angry all the time.

lizbud

10-17-2006, 01:12 PM

Glacier

10-17-2006, 01:19 PM

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

I didn't settle for anything. I had a serious boyfriend who made a big deal out of special dates--remembered every birthday, gave extravagant gifts, even remembered things like the day we met ect. He was wealthy, good looking, my parents adored him. He was also a liar and a cheat. Couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Wasted 6 years trying to change that in him. I'd much rather have my hubby who can't remember his own b-day let alone mine, but who I can trust without question all the time. When Stuart does send me flowers or something, it's because he wants to, not because he felt he had to or because he felt guilty about something!

If I didn't do the little things in your post, Stuart wouldn't notice. He'd do them himself. At least once a week, he gets frozen pizza for dinner because I don't feel like cooking. Some nights he gets home first and he cooks dinner. I don't do, never have, never will do his laundry. He's a grown man. He can do his own laundry. He doesn't touch my washing either. It will be a cold day in hell before I try to wake him up 20 times for work. I get myself up and off to work. If he doesn't get up, not my problem. He can explain it to his boss, just like I have to on the days I hit the snooze button a dozen times. I'm not his mother and I won't treat him like a child. I don't expect him to take care of me. I have a perfectly good father who did a fine job raising all four of his kids.

We don't have a list of chores or other plan to divide things up. I make substantially more money than he does. I pay most of the bills, including the mortgage and all the vet bills. He maintains my truck and the house. Stuart is much neater than I am. If he thinks the floor needs washing, he does it. I would just step over the mess. I care much more that my dogs have a clean yard than I do about how clean my house is. He doesn't do litter boxes, scoop the dog yard, feed the animals or exercise them. He does build a phenomonal fence whereever I tell him I need one! He does make sure my ATV is running so I can get the dogs out and he is my "handler" in the winter when I'm hooking up a team. He does tons of stuff around the house so I can have enough time to take the dog team out and make sure the non-working dogs get out for their walks. In the end, it might not look equitable, but it all works out.

I don't remember his family's events. I might remind him that his step-mother's b-day is coming up, but I don't go out and buy her a card. I've never met anyone in his family but his father. Occasions mean very little in his family. They are a big deal in my family. I remember my family's special dates and mark them in a way that fits for the person. He doesn't enjoy big family holidays like Christmas. He often stays home alone and cares for the critters while I go see my family.

Stuart was away a couple weeks ago and left me a love note written in the dust on the TV screen and another one in the dog nose prints on the picture window. I left them there for ages because I smiled every time I saw them. Last night he was talking about getting me a diamond blade for my chainsaw. Not quite the diamonds most women want! I'd like a few sparklies myself, but I LOVE using a chainsaw and a diamond blade would make it so much easier and faster! That is what it comes down to--he does things consistently that make my life easier. Even on the days I want to strangle him, he doesn't intentionally set out to make me feel that way!

And really, if there is something I really want, I'll just go buy it myself! ;)

sparks19

10-17-2006, 01:44 PM

A line from sparks previous post stated "He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry" Thats exactly the kind of
"knowing" that I meant in regards to a "knowing " the other partners
feelings on remembering special days (birthdays, anniversery, etc)

The gift itself is nothing compared to the remembering how the other
person feels about it & making an effort to show they do care about their
feelings by remembering.

LOL he only KNOWS it because if he doesn't do it then he runs out of clean clothes LOL. he does it because he knows I won't do it. LOL it really has nothing to do with knowing my feelings on the subject. It just doesn't get done.... but he never complains about me not doing it.

Also he did send her flowers and left her a card. That is remembering. How was he to know that wasn't enough? I think that is remembering how the person feels and he did make an effort. What I got from the post was the it was not enough of an effort.

You know what I got and what we did for our first wedding anniversary? I got a wonderful card and some nice flowers. that night we went to my husbands hockey game.... the same thing we did on our wedding night. BUT, I love going to his games and all our friends are there. I don't need extravegant gifts or to go to fancy places, I am a down to earth kinda girl and spending the night at my hubby's hockey game and having a few beers in the parking lot after is just my kind of night.

My husband was married before, she EXPECTED many things from him. she took many things for granted with him. she expected him to do everything with her family, yet she never wanted to do anything with his family. Now they are divorced and we are happier than ever because we can just be ourselves, we can make mistakes, we can screw up, we can forget things but it's ok because we always know the love is there. he NEVER forgets to tell me how much he loves me.

Glacier, Great post. That is exactly how it is here... sorta. Except my husband works and I don't at the moment. He is a much better cook than I am but I enjoy cooking so we almost fight over who gets to cook dinner LOL, sometimes (if the room in the kitchen permits) we will make dinner together. He was in the Army though so he is much neater than I am. he folds his clothes just so, I just fold em so they at least look folded lol. But he is a big boy, he is an adult. if he wanted a mother he would have never left home. I find people confuse Wife with mother too often. We are not there to "take care of them". Believe it or not, most men can take care of themselves just fine (although there is nothing wrong with babying them every once in while, God knows my husband takes care of me when i am not 100%). I am his wife not his mother, he knows that. I made that abundantly clear before we even decided to get married. He is much neater than I am though lol so he usually has to pick up behind me hahahaha. poor guy

Prairie Purrs

10-17-2006, 01:57 PM

Catty1

10-17-2006, 02:06 PM

I have NEVER heard her and her fiancee say they love each other or even say thank you, or anything nice to each other.

And they're getting MARRIED??? :eek: :eek: :eek:

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!

sparks19

10-17-2006, 02:25 PM

And they're getting MARRIED??? :eek: :eek: :eek:

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!

PFFT he's the one thats gonna get screwed when they get divorced lol. She is spiteful like that and will take him for everything he's worth. but yes it's a scary thought that they are getting married and this is how they behave towards each other lol.

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her.

I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

Vela

10-17-2006, 02:27 PM

Pam

10-17-2006, 02:40 PM

I couldn't vote. I certainly don't think you are a diva, but I just don't see a problem with your hubby.

Jess (K9soul) has said everything I would say and more, and much better I might add. To be honest, I don't know why this man let her get away. ;)

We are all human. We all forget. The fact that hubby had a card for you ready to view when you woke up and tried to send flowers would have been more than enough for me.

I don't know about anyone else but buying gifts for people is very hard for me. I often don't know what to buy and I put it off because I am always thinking that eventually I'll think of *the perfect gift.* This could be why your hubby waited so long. Years ago my hubby used to buy me perfume. Often I couldn't wear it as he likes much stronger scents than I do and sometimes the perfume he would buy me would give me a headache. He sort of lost his zeal after that because he was afraid of disappointing me again.

I am the one in the family who enjoys yard work. He works in the yard because he has to and I work in the yard because I like it. My birthday is in the fall, and one year he bought be a leaf blower for my birthday. I thought it was very clever of him and appreciated it very much. My co-workers at that time thought it was a horrible gift. They thought he should have bought jewelry or something more feminine. My point really is that we are all different and our relationships with our spouses are all different. I think it is more about how we are treated on a daily basis rather than what we give or receive on a special day.

sparks19

10-17-2006, 02:42 PM

I agree with you. The only thing in this instance with the OP is her husband DID remember, it really wasn't his doing that the flowers were late. A card and flowers saying I love you seem very adequate to me, and a thoughtful gesture, so to ME, it seemed odd that someone would be so mad about not getting another present as well. I could see her being upset if maybe he blew the whole thing off and didn't care at all but that's not what happened.

Glacier, great post.

I couldn't agree more.

Also, I hope the OP Significant other doesn't see this thread. She didn't paint him in a flattering light and I know if it were my spouse saying things like that about me I would be very upset. and that IS a valid reason to be angry. I understand she was upset but I think saying things like that (even thinking things like that) really hurts a relationship. lobodeb, you say things aren't well between you two besides this birthday thing. I am very sorry :( I hope you guys can talk it out and get back on track.

Prairie Purrs

10-17-2006, 02:43 PM

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.

I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that. :)

sparks19

10-17-2006, 02:46 PM

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that. :)

AH gotcha. I must have missed that post somehow. LOL this thread has been moving fast LOL

Cataholic

10-18-2006, 10:00 AM

I get the impression that a lot of what's bothering Lobodeb isn't so much whether he did "enough" for this particular birthday, but what he did (or didn't do) for her birthday this year as compared to what he's done in the past. And yes, if I were with someone who used to make a big deal about my birthday and is now making lame excuses for why he couldn't get me anything, I'd wonder what his problem was.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her. If your SO is extravagant when buying for himself and cheap when buying something for you, that's not a good sign. If she tosses a tantrum if you forget the anniversary of when you first met, but she can never be bothered to remember your birthday, that's a warning. While my ex-husband and I were dating, he insisted two years in a row on celebrating his birthday by going to lunch with his ex-wife. I definitely should have read that sign!

On the other hand, if you have a generally wonderful SO who doesn't give a flying toot about material things and can't even remember his own birthday, then his failure to make a big deal about your birthday wouldn't be worth fussing about.

CID- you surely stated it much better than I, and I can tell I touched a nerve in several of you. For those of you that responded to my post, it is obvious you have a wonderful person whose worth isn't measured in one day's activity, etc. Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

What the OP was complaining about though, isn't what most of us were responding to. It sounds as if her husband isn't very receptive to her feelings, not very respectful of her feelings. And, that isn't right. If a particular day, event, moment, whatever is important to her- it is important to her. If a certain behaviour is important to her- it is important to her.

Frankly, when one party 'used to do' something, and then there is a change, this situation needs to be addressed, less it develop into a serious matter.

timlewis

10-18-2006, 10:04 AM

I have to agree that its how they treat you day to day not just one or two days a year. If you are happy everyother day who cares about 2 or 3 days a year, a b-day is just another day and christmas well everyone thinks about what they are getting instead of what it really is. Everyone has forgot all about Jesus what about his b-day what did he get this year? If my wife got mad at me for not getting her something for her b-day then I might not get it just for the point because she shouldnt get mad. And personally I could care less what or if she gets me anything for mine or for christmas I am happy whatching her and my 2 kids opening their gifts. As long as they are happy who cares if i get anything i just like seeing my son and daughter and wife open gifts and seeing the smile on their face. Everyone is so caught up in material things we have forgotten about what matters LOVE do u love your husband or do you just want things? My wife cooks everyday and i could eat it off the floor my house is so clean (All The Time) and most important she takes great care of my kids. Not to mention all the small things she does and mentioned by someone before, i couldnt tell u the last time i had to get my soap out from under the sink if it start to melt away it suddenly just appears there and those little things is what matters the most. LOL not soap but little things that she does for me i couldnt live without her she makes my dinner for me everyday before i go to work, i use to take an apple and she would cut it up and put it in a little bowl for me, so why would i care if she remembers one or days a year. I tell u one more little story and ill shuttup, at sunday school they always ask if anyone has any b-days or anniversary and they sing to them. Well noone said anything and 2 or 3 days after we remembered that sunday was our anniversary and we hadnt bought anything for one another.

Samantha Puppy

10-18-2006, 12:04 PM

There is nothing wrong in wanting your partner to be considerate of your feelings, likes, dislikes - of you, in general. If they love you, things that matter to you should matter to them. I too have a difficult time when I go out of my way to be sweet, thoughtful, or otherwise considerate of my husband and he doesn't reciprocate. Marriage is give and take, 50/50, and when it gets lop-sided too far in one direction, any human is going to get disillusioned and allow other issues to snowball into this one and get more upset than they would were it an isolated incident.

You're not being a diva. You're a woman.

CathyBogart

10-18-2006, 12:20 PM

Honestly, while I might be a little miffed, I think I would get over it pretty quickly in light of the cad and the flowers. He was thinking of you, he remembered the day, and if he didn't try to go shopping until the day of...well...it happens to the best of us sometimes.

The fact that he specifically apologized for it says to me that he knew he messed up and he felt bad about it. I know I've procrastinated on important dates before, I'll bet most of us have.

Glacier

10-18-2006, 03:18 PM

Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far! It's a good relationship and we've figured out what works for us to keep it that way, but it's far from perfect. Stuart lives with severe chronic pain. Some days that makes him less than fun to live with! I have no doubt that he wonders why he married me sometimes too!

I had really good relationship role models. My parents have been married for over 36 years. Things have not always been easy, smooth or even happy for them, but they've stuck it out, held on to why they got together in the first place. They maintain their own interests and friends, but are still each other's best friend. I want in my marriage what they have.

Logan

10-18-2006, 03:28 PM

This year, I had the most disappointing birthday, ever. Did I overreact? You'd better believe I did! My husband thought that my birthday fell on Tuesday, not Monday, as he just got the days wrong, not the date. He committed to do something with his son on the night of my birthday, and it rubbed me wrong, and when he said "We didn't have anything planned that night, did we?", I responded with, "I guess not", and I ended up feeling horrible! My husband doesn't see his children very often, nor is he invited to participate in their lives very often, so I definitely didn't want him to feel guilty about choosing to participate in something his son had invited him to attend. He took my daughter and me out to a nice dinner the night before my birthday and brought me flowers and a special card the night of my birthday. That was enough for me.

He does so many other special things, throughout the year, that remind me that he loves me (so much more than I ever do for him), that I could never feel any resentment towards him. Good heavens, I have reported several things, right here at Pet Talk, that he has done, including a beautiful portrait of our RB Zipper, just this week (in Dog General), and also bringing me our puppy, Mack, after we lost our Zipper.

I think we all need to appreciate the little things and get over the things that don't really matter, such as our birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Logan

sparks19

10-18-2006, 05:28 PM

The only thing I am wondering about.... re read the OP. do you think it is OK to talk about your husband in such a way. The feeling I got from reading that was the she is disgusted with her husband. perhaps it was just that she was angry but I have a hard time believing that such snide comments haven't been thought about before this. Perhaps he doesn't want to do special things anymore because he doesn't get the special treatment he used to. i dont imagine Lobodeb talked to or about him when they first got married the way she talks about him now. In that post alone she has insinuated (sp? lol) that he is lazy, stupid, incompetent, he can't do anything right. What a terrible way to speak about someone you are supposed to love

Again, I know anger can be a powerful thing and makes us say things we don't really mean but that was a very harsh post. I really hope her husband never reads this. I know my husband would be heart broken if I ever talked about him that way.

YES a marriage is 50/50 you have to give a little to get a little, and often it is hard to look at ourselves and see fault in how we are acting.

Lobodeb, you really need to sit down with your husband and TALK to him. No blaming, just talking. Maybe you will find out the answers to your questions. Maybe he is angry at you for some reason. but communication is KEY. If you are angry at him for something YOU need to tell him WHY. You need to tell him how it makes you feel when he does that. If that doesn't work I would seriously recommend marriage counselling. I am sorry if I am over stepping my bounds, I know I don't know you or your situation. this is just the impression I got from your post.

Don't EVER go to bed angry.

If something is bothering you, you MUST tell him. how is he supposed to fix it if you won't talk to him about it.

Life is stressful but you need to be there for each other, not battling each other. He should be your greatest ally.

If you have made every attempt to communicate with him and he is unrelenting and still does the things that upset you, THEN he has NO excuse. but if you are just leaving him to figure it out on his own then you are waiting for a frosty day in h*ll because men aren't mind readers lol Heck they aren't even lip readers :D (remember communication is not sitting down and blaming him. You can't sit down and say "you do this and this and this and this. you don't do this and this and this and this." have a REAL talk)

Good luck. I hope you guys can work everything out.

caseysmom

10-18-2006, 05:37 PM

Sparks, Debbie is a very kind sweet woman. I think she just needed to vent.

lizbud

10-18-2006, 06:20 PM

Samantha Puppy

10-18-2006, 06:30 PM

sparks19

10-18-2006, 06:51 PM

I don't see where your comments were necessary, lizbud. No one here has said anything inflammatory to or about Lobodeb or anyone else who has shared their thoughts on this matter. Honestly, I don't know sparks19 from Moses, but her post sounds like something I might've said had I had more time earlier today.

Lobodeb asked for feedback and advice. She got it. If she has an issue with anything anyone's said, how about letting her address it with them privately?

Thank you. Seems if you have a differing opinion around here you are out of line LOL. I feel sorry that Lobodeb is so upset about something like this. However, re read the OP and tell me that is not out of line. i would enver call my husband lazy, stupid, say that he can't do anything right, and fault him for everything bad that has happened. Although she seems to have talked the same way about herself in that post. I have no doubt that she is a kind and loving woman. I never stated that she was otherwise, some people just jump to conclusions and read between lines that aren't there. Boy all that jumping must make people tired ;)

Lizbud you are the only one getting upset here. I am not upset in the least. I just call it as I see it. I"m sure she is a very nice woman but I am not going to sugar coat it. I never said I had all the answers and I believe I said that if she has tried the communication approach already then YES she indeed does have a reason to be upset. if she has tried communicating with him about this then there is NO excuse for his behaviour (or lack there of). but she cannot expect him to know how she feels if she doesn't talk to him about it.

She said her birthday was a few weeks ago but she is still upset about it enough to post this and say such things about her husband. If she has been angry for that long there are obviously some deep seeded issues there and they aren't going to go away by her keeping them to herself (venting on here does not count. She needs to discuss this with her family).

Lobodeb, if you see my posts as whatever Lizbud sees them as then I am sorry. I just hate to see such torment in a relationship that it bothers you for weeks and causes you to feel such dislike towards your husband. I really hope you work this out, not only for your family but for yourself.

popcornbird

10-18-2006, 06:56 PM

I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!" :D

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

I would forgive and forget and compromise for the rest of my life, than to EVER be single again for a moment. Sure, when I'm 'single', I don't have someone to worry about, but the fact is...love is FAR more meaningful than material things, or gifts on 'certain' dates. I love my husband for the sake of who he is, not for what he remembers to buy me. Its the small pleasures in life that are the greatest treasures. Cherish them. I would never hold anger towards my husband. There are times when we do little things that our spouse may not like, but what we should always remember is the love that brought us together, and why we married. I haven't read all the posts here, but really...just like one would love their child unconditionally, the love for the spouse should be the same. After all, it is the love we have for our spouse that leads to having a child and starting a family. Everyone makes mistakes. I stick to my previous opinion. He's your husband. He tried his best. Forgive, forget, and move on.

One thing I must add though...Lobodeb, I do feel your husband needs to drive. He's the husband in the house, and if 'driving and getting things you need' is anyone's responsibility, it is his responsibility above yours, or he should at least help in it. That doesn't mean you should have war with him because of it...just that you should try to convince him. I don't know how easy your husband is to talk to or deal with, but I would never fight over things like this. God doesn't give us life and loved ones to take foregranted.

Cataholic

10-19-2006, 09:28 AM

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!" :D

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

PCB- I appreciate your example, however, that isn't exactly what seems to be going on in Loebedo's house. Of course no one would get 'mad' at you for forgetting a glass of water. And, it is super hard to imagine that someone would think you 'uncaring' over a glass of water. Those ARE silly things. Forgetting something isn't exactly the same thing as overlooking something significant to the other person. Mistakes imply a lack of intent. Loebedo's husband's treatment of Loebedo doesn't seem to be a 'mistake'. It seems intentional.

And, as to Sparks19, I did find your post a tiny bit offensive towards Loebedo. Did I comment on it before? Nope. I 'overlooked' it. I think Loebedo should feel free to vent to us, and I dislike how many of us seem to cruicify her for her feelings. It is like, somehow, that her husband's needs/wants/feelings come before hers.

I hope Loebedo, for Loebedo's sake only, takes anything she finds helpful from these posts, and makes her life a bit more comfortable for her. If she reads these posts and thinks, "Wow, what a load of rubbish", that that helps her to the next place in life.

Lobodeb

10-19-2006, 11:56 AM

In that post alone she has insinuated (sp? lol) that he is lazy, stupid, incompetent, he can't do anything right.

I never said he was stupid, incompetent or can't do anything right. I did say he was lazy.

Lobodeb, you really need to sit down with your husband and TALK to him. No blaming, just talking. Maybe you will find out the answers to your questions.

I did sit down and talk to him, and that's when I found out that he couldn't get a ride. He then lied to me and said he asked my mom what I wanted. He claims that she told him she didn't know. That is a lie on 2 fronts. He never asked her, and 2, she kept a list of what I wanted so she would know.

Someone else suggested that I keep a wish list. I do. He must have forgotten about it.

But to answer your question, yes I am disgusted with him, but not just over this birthday incident. There is a lot more going on that fueled this blow out.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I did ask for them, however, I didn't ask to be called names, but none the less, I put my business out there, so I'm fair game, I guess.

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 12:01 PM

catnapper

10-19-2006, 12:05 PM

Oh wow, another thread thats progressed since last I checked! LOL

Its amazing how everyone has such vastly different expectations and interpretations for what makes a good relationship. But what everyone essentially expects is common respect for each other, consideration for their feelings and their needs, and a daily effort to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

We might not all be in perfect relationships. I love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine life without him -- is he perfect? Not even close! Is he perfect for me? you betcha! :) 99% of our fights come from lack of communication -- whether he neglects to communicate what his expectations are from me in a given situation or I neglect to tell him. For instance, when I had my surgery a few weeks ago, I REALLY wanted him there, but refused (stubborness) to tell him that. I felt he should have KNOWN I wanted him there. How could he have if I was making the whole thing out to be no big deal? I have already told him in no uncertain terms that if I need to have another surgery that I NEED him there. I'm no mind reader and I'm fairly certain he isn't one either, so why should I make him guess what I want?

Often too, we forget things we normally would not forget. Right now, with stress, I'm SO forgetful - I forget the smallest things like making an important phone call. Hugo is still a baby, and babies are known stressors. So he's trying to work, sleep, take care of his son, take care of his wife, be everything he as before the baby, and finding there's not enough time in the day to be everything before Hugo came along. Energy is low, tension is high. I'd cut him some slack on the birthday thing right now. He did give you a card and did send flowers. At last he did that! If he didn't do those and used only the excuse of his cousin not driving him, THEN I'd be furious because he didn't even try at all.

BOBS DAD

10-19-2006, 12:11 PM

Debby, Sorry some are insensitive when you really don't need it. I am sending you a big hug okay? I hope your husband will come around and be more sensitive and caring, that adorable little boy needs his mom and dad.

I concur...

I have posted on this subject and I don't even really remember what I said??? I do recall however, that I find your husband's excuse about "cousin not giving him a ride" rather weak.

I hope that you can resolve this issue as you and your husband feel appropriate, and get back on track, with "both of you" being happy with the outcome!!!

BOBS DAD

10-19-2006, 12:24 PM

Whoa there sparkie. :rolleyes: I believe you are getting carried away with
this whole thing. How dare you be so presumptuous to assume you have all the answers & can lecture Lobodeb? Just let this go girl. Go read a book, or take a pill or something. :p I thing you've spouted off long enough.Lobodeb
doesn't need your "advice" Get a grip. You answered the original question
so let this go already. Geeze.

Maybe so... I do think Sparks has been the most vocal and has seemed to suggest the most experience and bonafide answers to relationship issues.

Maybe Sparks could start a relationship/counseling website. LOL!!! Just kidding Sparks... do not take me seriously.

The only point I want to make here is that it is hard to offer any real concrete advice on this issue until you know a "whole lot more" about Debbie and her husbands private life. Which we certainly don't need to know and even then are likely "not qualified" to offer any real professional advice.

And just another point I'd like to throw in there. I would take anyone's involved, indepth assuredness opinions on the subject with a grain of salt - especially if they themselves have been married less than 10 years or have been married 2-3 times. Doesn't make them bad... just seems like less of an expert.

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 12:35 PM

Well Bob's dad I have been married 25 years and only married once...so my advice to all....Don't get married!

BOBS DAD

10-19-2006, 12:37 PM

Well Bob's dad I have been married 25 years and only married once...so my advice to all....Don't get married!

Good one CM!!! LOL! 22 for us and our first - at least that what my wife has always told me!

K9soul

10-19-2006, 12:52 PM

I hope nothing I posted seemed criticizing or directed personally at you Lobodeb. My first post was regarding how I would if feel the particular incident you wrote about had happened to me. I couldn't really look at the whole picture of your relationship since I didn't/don't know what it is like, so the original question of if he was late with my gift and if it would upset me, my answer would be no.

My second post was addressing the idea of being a "settler" type due to my stance on the gift scenario, and how things would go if I forgot or neglected something etc. My relationship was much like sparks' and Glacier's description. We were each responsible for ourselves and had no set expectations. I didn't get him up for work or vice versa. Both of us cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc.

I suppose what has really come out of this is the obvious fact that there is no simple answer to something like this, it involves too many complexities, i.e. how is the rest of the relationship, how is the every day situation, does there seem to be mutual respect and so on. We each imagine the situation in the setting of how our relationships are or have been, and that ultimately reflects the answer we give.

Sara luvs her Tinky

10-19-2006, 01:08 PM

No one should be allowed to post on this topic untill they have been married more than a year!! (that is supposed to be sarcastic and funny)

I agree with Lobodeb and a few others.

I was married for 4 years... I ABSOLUTELY HATE having my birthday's at restaurants.. and guess where my fabulous husband had my birthday party EVERY STINKIN YEAR??? A restaurant!!! Not that the thought didn't count but i think listening to me counts for a little bit more... Every year i would throw him really fun birthday parties with different themes of things that interested him... threw him a big surprise party for his 25th.... and he just could not throw me a party anywhere but a restaurant... and he NEVER invited MY family... :rolleyes: It took him four years to finally quit buying me flowers for valentines day! I hate getting flowers and he KNEW that.. but every year he would get me flowers. Again.. it is hard to appreciate the thought when they just wont listen to you.

Marriages always start out new and you can overlook their mistakes and think they are cute and you are understanding.. but what i learned... if a husband or wife can't listen to their partner then you don't have much of a partner.. and being understanding only nurtures the spouse to not care about your needs.

I may be a bitter but oh well!! Some may not agree but they may have a spouse that listens and cares.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you Lobodeb!! My marriage failed and i wouldn't wish that on anyone.. I hope things get better for you two!!

*HUGITO is sooooo cute!!!*

Cataholic

10-19-2006, 01:39 PM

Marriages always start out new and you can overlook their mistakes and think they are cute and you are understanding.. but what i learned... if a husband or wife can't listen to their partner then you don't have much of a partner.. and being understanding only nurtures the spouse to not care about your needs.

VERY good point there, Sara! Too often, it is the "understanding" spouse that looks back upon 5, 7, or even 20 years of marriage, in utter consternation when the other spouse is finished with them, wondering, "where did it go wrong? I was so understanding. I didn't do this. Or, I did this, and never complained". That's right. You didn't. And, he/she is going on, presumabley, to greener pastures, to <gasp> someone that holds them accountable for their actions.

I quit representing clients whose cases even smelt like domestic relations cases. I couldn't deal with the emotions that go with them. With the lying. The cheating. The unending question, "what did I do wrong?". Nothing. You married an idiot. A person that didn't have that inner voice telling them right from wrong, and a person that thought they could get away with treating you like dirt- cause you allowed them for ten years.

I have yet to meet someone that could "meet" my standards. Nothing to do with looks (since I ain't no looker myself). Nothing to do with money (as I am financially self sufficient). Nothing to do with much more than honesty, integrity, love of animals, family and kids, and an ability to function on their own- like **most** adults should be able to. So, those that might be snickering, "well, she is single, she can't be (knowledgable) (able to understand) (shoot, maybe even worthy, who knows?) (or, she must be soooo sad and bitter cause she is single)", I say that I wouldn't change my status, or change my lifestyle for all the tea in China. As I hated dealing with Loebedo's issues in date-hood, and I know I couldn't put up with it inside the contract of marriage. It would be nice, I suppose, to have someone else unclog my toilet or hang the ceiling fan, but, shoot, that is why God made tradespeople!

Lo- whatEVER you do, hold your head up, and remember: You are someone, on your own, irrespective of how someone treats you. Hugito needs a happy, secure mommy. THAT is the best gift you could give him.

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 04:03 PM

Cataholic...the only thing I call you is SMART!

p.s. can you guys tell I am annoyed with my hubby today????

sparks19

10-19-2006, 04:32 PM

I never said he was stupid, incompetent or can't do anything right. I did say he was lazy.

I did sit down and talk to him, and that's when I found out that he couldn't get a ride. He then lied to me and said he asked my mom what I wanted. He claims that she told him she didn't know. That is a lie on 2 fronts. He never asked her, and 2, she kept a list of what I wanted so she would know.

Someone else suggested that I keep a wish list. I do. He must have forgotten about it.

But to answer your question, yes I am disgusted with him, but not just over this birthday incident. There is a lot more going on that fueled this blow out.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I did ask for them, however, I didn't ask to be called names, but none the less, I put my business out there, so I'm fair game, I guess.

:eek: I didn't know about the lying and that IS 100% unacceptable. Did you ask your mother about that? I hope you confronted him about that. I most certainly would confront my husband if he ever lied to me. It really sounds like there are some serious problems and I really do hope you can both get past this "rough patch".

I can understand somewhat about the driving though. I don't drive. i don't even have my license. i do NOT like to drive. I detest it. I sometimes feel bad because my husband has to do all the driving, but he knew about this before he married me. I am simply not comfortable in a vehicle ESPECIALLY to drive it.

I don't recall anyone calling you names I could be wrong but I just don't have the energy or ambition right now to go check LOL.

I have been in some TERRIBLe relationships. They were full of lies, anger, arguments, and hateful words. I will NEVER be in a relationship like that again. I will always tell the truth even when it hurts, I will not dwell on the past, and I will not manipulate OR be manipulated. I made it perfectly clear when my husband and I started dating that if he ever felt the need to disrespect me that I would make short work of that. I give him all the respect in the world and he does the same for me and I would not tolerate any different. Respect and honesty are expected, demanded, and always reciprocated (this goes for him and myself).

Bob's Dad. LOL I didn't take it seriously. I don't get angry (unless it is called for) A lot ofpeople read my posts and think I am upset or a real harda$$ but you can't really tell from a post (unless I used some choice words LOL) The only thing that matters in my life is my family, friends and all our well being. the rest is just too piddly to get upset about. I have a sister who is angry ALL the time and what a terrible way to live life. Life is too short to be angry. I always find your sarcasm funny and refreshing :D I grew up in sarcasmville LOL when visiting with my family you better leave your feelings at the door haha because we are full of sarcasm (amongst other things lol).

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 04:35 PM

this seems timely....no offense to all the men on pettalk, they are all the best.

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Killearn Kitties

10-19-2006, 04:41 PM

Aww sweetheart, do you want to tell us what happened?

sparks19

10-19-2006, 04:44 PM

LOL Uh oh Caseysmom. I could be in big trouble :D or taking a lot of classes lol

Other than the whole lifting the toilet seat thing (that obviously doesn't apply to me LOL) But as for the rest I have been guilty of all of those things more than once LOL.

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 06:13 PM

Aww sweetheart, do you want to tell us what happened?

Not sure if you were referring to me or Debby but I am frustrated right now too. My teenager is acting out and my hubby blames me and it is really annoying, he works too much and hasn't been fathering enough so it must be nice to sit back and blame me. This and with the stress of my niece and my brothers estate...I may not make it to 26 years married...I am really fed up :mad:

BOBS DAD

10-19-2006, 10:14 PM

Hang in there CS...

after 25 years you know that when it rains - it pours! And how about another ol' cliche... it always gets worse before it gets better.

I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you and that next week and the following are better yet!!!

sparks19

10-19-2006, 10:44 PM

Not sure if you were referring to me or Debby but I am frustrated right now too. My teenager is acting out and my hubby blames me and it is really annoying, he works too much and hasn't been fathering enough so it must be nice to sit back and blame me. This and with the stress of my niece and my brothers estate...I may not make it to 26 years married...I am really fed up :mad:

Teenagers are a handful even with two parents raising them constantly. I don't have any but I sure remember what I was like as a Teenager and I regret every minute I treated my mom badly..... Just keep in the back of your mind that ONE day you will be their best friend. I know my mom is my best friend. They will grow up and when they become adults they will NEED your advice. My mom doesn't interfere if not asked but I ask her all the time because I am not always sure. She has even volunteered to nanny for me for the first few months after our first child because she knows how overwhelmed I get just thinking about it. Just keep telling yourself "one day she will see from the eyes of a mother"

Good luck Teenagers can be a bugger :D

caseysmom

10-19-2006, 11:15 PM

Thanks Sparks I know one day she will look back and have some regret, I just wish she didn't have to go through this.

timlewis

10-20-2006, 07:52 AM

JenBKR

10-20-2006, 08:22 AM

I didn't read through this whole thread, just wanted to add my two cents. I'm sort of thinking that it's not so much the gift that bothered you, but more the lack of thought that went into it. Personally, I would prefer a thoughtful gift to an expensive one. My husband sometimes gets it right.....I remember one Christmas a few years ago, my husband bought me a purse as one of my gifts. I know what you're thinking, a man buying a purse, that can't go well. But, he told me that he was trying them on in the middle of the department store - he knows that I am picky about the length of the strap. I like my purse to be right at my hip when it's on my shoulder. So he tried a bunch on to find one that sat in the right place. The thought of my husband trying on purses in a department store was so funny and sweet, and that gift meant more to me than if he'd have gotten me expensive jewelry. Because of the thought that went into it. He is not always so thoughtful, believe me, but I was just thinking that maybe you are upset because he didn't really think it through. I know you also said that there are some other things going on too, so maybe it's everything at once. Does that make sense? ((((hugs)))) And of course I don't think you are being a diva, not at all! Our feelings are our feelings, and no one should tell us how to feel!

Luvin Labs

10-22-2006, 08:35 PM

He gave you a birthday card AND flowers ON your birthday.

I voted "diva" only because "of course" and "unsure" didn't fit with me...

I see this comment...

So here I am, post-op, getting the baby dressed to go out in the dead of Chicago winter to spend the equivalent of a car payment on a cell phone with a baby in tow, and I get a DVD and head phones.

Then I see this comment...

Second of all, this isn't about the amount he spent on gifts, but the thought behind them.

To me, it sounds like those two are contradicting statements. You don't care about the cost yet you are sounding pissed that you are paying for an expensive cell phone (for him?) and yet you get "a dvd and headphones". But I may be reading it wrong.

I am tickled pink when my DH gives me a card and flowers. If that is all he gave me that would be fine for me.

Is there a reason he does not buy things off the internet? Perhaps he doesn't trust it like others do? Or just not that knowledgable about the internet?

so he can't do a lot of things right as it is

this just sounds so harsh (the whole first post does actually)!!!

I never said he was stupid, incompetent or can't do anything right. I did say he was lazy.

You actually DID say he can't do anything right (well, very close to it "a lot of things right")...

I'm truly sorry that this isn't the only problem with your marriage. How long have you been married? I hope it works out for you and your husband.

timlewis

10-23-2006, 02:53 AM

Like many others I may be wrong but it sounds to me like you are interested mostly in material things. You said he doesnt do a lot of things right, well do you do everything right, maybe not as many wrongs as him but that doesnt matter none of us do it all right. Maybe some more than others, I cant complain I have the greatest wife any man could want, althogh she doesnt do everything right or atleast everything to fit me. She does a lot while i sit around doing nothing productive, if I ever lost my wife it would honestly cripple me I dont do much of anything except work. And might I add that since April 5 men that I knew one was my cousin lost their lives in the coal mines one i helped do CPR on although we knew he wouldnt make it. Point being these families will never see their husbands and dads again and they would give their lives for one more card and flowers, just for them being around for their b-day who cares what u get. We all need to think about what is really important each other, I dont know how much u all know about coal mining but seeing a man dead and nothing u can do about it no matter what u do really makes u think about things. So when ur husband comes home give him a kiss and hug and tell him how much u Love him and think about what these familys would give to be able to just see theirs again.