joke thread [Archive] - Page 5

AmberLee

04-18-2003, 11:04 PM

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories....

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up truck and we hit a big bump in the road.

The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good" said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks.

And the moral to that story is don't count your chickens before they are hatched." "That was a fine example, Tammy."

Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

--------------------
#2

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very
simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were
getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

anna_66

04-20-2003, 07:42 AM

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030420.gif

anna_66

04-20-2003, 07:48 AM

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/04/gas19.jpg
:D

anna_66

04-21-2003, 06:41 AM

What to say to phone solicitors who call to sell you credit cards,
vacation packages, etc.:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical
examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call
back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has
run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the
best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now.
Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry
now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better
business people said I need more positive identification to file
my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone
number...

AvaJoy

04-22-2003, 07:49 PM

Sorry if this is too risque:

A six year old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I woke up to this thumping noise coming from your bedroom and when I went to see what it was you were sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why were you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and replies, "Your Dad is overweight, and I am trying to get him back down to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting you time."

The Mother asks, "Why is that, dear?"

The kid says, "Because, in the morning after you leave for work that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows Daddy right back up again!" :D

anna_66

04-25-2003, 06:37 AM

Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One
summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the
back yard after dinner.

One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."
She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20
minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the
fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye
and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've
had to rest all day." :D

anna_66

04-30-2003, 12:37 PM

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!

captain

04-30-2003, 06:55 PM

hee hee hee .... loved the biscuit one!!!

anna_66

05-02-2003, 08:10 AM

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
:D

AmberLee

05-03-2003, 08:58 PM

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

17. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

21. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

AmberLee

05-11-2003, 04:14 PM

*bump*

gini

05-11-2003, 04:39 PM

The blond said,

"I was so worried that the mechanic would rip me off when I went into the service station.

I was so relieved to find out that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

Kerri Greyson

05-11-2003, 05:03 PM

here is my joke, it is kinda lame, and before i tell the end of it, some one has to post after me, k????

God wanted to know the population of good vs. bad ppl. so he sent an angel down to do that. the angel came back with the statistics of 90% bad, the rest good. well, God did not want to believe this, so he sent another angel. but the angel came back with the same statistics. so God sent an email to all the good ppl. do you know what it said???????

gini

05-11-2003, 05:11 PM

Oh Oh, I am afraid to ask!! Should I be looking for an email from God? I don't think He works that way - he works kinda direct you know:D :D

Kerri Greyson

05-11-2003, 05:12 PM

what, you didnt get one either!!!! ha ha!! everyone falls for that one!!! :D :D :D :D

ILoveMyAbbyGirl

05-11-2003, 05:51 PM

LoL Good one Kerri

gini

05-11-2003, 10:24 PM

Originally posted by Kerri Greyson
what, you didnt get one either!!!! ha ha!! everyone falls for that one!!! :D :D :D :D

Oh dear, I have been away for a couple of hours and when I came back, I still hadn't received an email from God. And I am not blond either but I was hoping.

Am I really part of the 90% - oh no!!!!:eek: :eek:

Miss Meow

05-15-2003, 09:27 PM

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
>
> _2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
>
> _3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
>
> _4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
>
> _5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
>
> _6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
>
> _7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
>
> _8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
>
> _9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
>
> _10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
>
> _11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
>
> _12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite
>
> _13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
>
> _14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast
> _Beef!
>
> _15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right where ya left him.
>
> _16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
>
> _17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
>
> _18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
>
> _19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location
Of
> _The Dirt Bag.
>
> _20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their
Belt
> _Buckle On Their Hat.
>
> _21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad
> _Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
>
> _22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Kentucky Divorce The Same? Somebody's
> _Gonna Lose A Trailer.....

ChrisH

05-17-2003, 10:55 AM

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CI about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Think About It

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Have A Good Weekend...

:)

05-19-2003, 09:59 AM

Signs seen on church property

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message, "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

Miss Meow

05-19-2003, 04:45 PM

Reminds me of a local church that proclaims every Christmas: JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

slleipnir

05-19-2003, 06:43 PM

Originally posted by Miss Meow
Reminds me of a local church that proclaims every Christmas: JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!
lol..like that sign we have up ALL year round here that says that lmao...so appearintly he's the reason for EVERY season..something to keep in mind..:p

Pam

05-20-2003, 08:21 PM

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, your husband's results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mrs. Ward asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Dogz

05-20-2003, 08:24 PM

What do you call a sick German Shepherd?

A Germy Shepherd

Miss Meow

05-21-2003, 11:21 PM

No animals were harmed in the forwarding of this joke ...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag".

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..."

Part Two
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider..."

Part Three
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting- and now you fockin' hen gliding....."

captain

05-22-2003, 12:45 AM

Miss Meow - FABULOUS!!!!

Miss Meow

05-26-2003, 06:45 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closer. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the athesist cried out, "Oh my God."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moviing.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian, now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice..

The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest returned.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke.

"Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful. Amen

captain

05-26-2003, 09:06 PM

:D :D :) :D ;)

KRISTEN14

05-27-2003, 01:27 PM

There was a man and his wife who after 20 years of mariage had no kids. They finally managed to get pregnate but it was only partlt suessful, Because it was only a head. But they loved the head and cared for it and spoiled it. One day the head saw a bunch of other kids playing baseball and it wanted to play to. So lightning struck it and all of a sudden it had a whole body. It was so excited that it ran into the street and was hit by a greyhound bus.

The moral is; quit while your ahead.

HoRsELUvR

05-27-2003, 05:56 PM

lol:D Here's one:
Britney Spears, Shaggy, and the Baha Men are all in a room and someone farts.The Baha Men say, "Who let the fart out?"Shaggy says,"It wasn't me".Britney Spears says,"Oops I did it again".The next day, they are all in a room and the same thing happens.The Baha Men say, "Who let the fart out?"Shaggy says,"It wasn't me".Britney Spears says,"Stronger than yesterday".(This is funny if you know her songs)

popcornbird

05-28-2003, 03:56 AM

Here are two jokes that I came across, but before that, do you all realize this thread has been up for a whole year? :eek: It was one of my first threads. :eek:

Bilingual Parrot

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot
with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to
it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string
he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,"
replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper
inquires.

"I fall off my perch, you idiot!!" screeches the parrot.

Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He
kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and
higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended,
he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure
hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for
it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"

anna_66

05-29-2003, 06:24 AM

Originally posted by popcornbird
do you all realize this thread has been up for a whole year? :eek: It was one of my first threads. :eek:

And I'm so glad you started it, we could all use a laugh every now & then:D

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030529.gif

ChrisH

05-29-2003, 10:32 AM

Good Garfield one Anna!!:D :D :D

Originally posted by anna_66
And I'm so glad you started it, we could all use a laugh every now & then:D
I so agree, thanks Popcornbird!:)

:)

Randi

06-02-2003, 11:02 AM

These are from a set of kids junior cert. exams (honours!)

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium,the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls,
of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration,and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection
against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part
of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have
been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat
to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,
eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends toward the moon, because there is no
water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth
through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the
body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up
and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady,
rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If
he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

anna_66

06-04-2003, 07:19 AM

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and
his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently
and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Edwina's Secretary

06-11-2003, 12:58 PM

BLONDE COOKBOOK
>>
>> Or someone who just can't cook....
>>
>> MONDAY:
>> It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
>>recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
>>to loan me some extra bowls.
>>
>> TUESDAY:
>> Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
>>dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
>>friend home for supper.
>>
>> WEDNESDAY:
>> A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
>>steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
>>anyway. I can't say it
>> improved the rice any.
>>
>> THURSDAY:
>> Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
>>prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before
>>serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
>>
>> FRIDAY:
>> I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
>>in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
>>recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
>>
>> SATURDAY:
>> Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
>>me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps
>>counting to ten.
>>
>> SUNDAY:
>> Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I
>>had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
>>hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came
>>out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
>>
>> GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am
>>eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If
>>I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
>>him with Chocolate Moose.

Sara luvs her Tinky

06-11-2003, 09:29 PM

Children's sayings

"GIVE ME A SENTENCE ABOUT A PUBLIC SERVANT," SAID A TEACHER. THE SMALL BOY WROTE: "THE FIREMAN CAME DOWN THE LADDER PREGNANT." THE TEACHER TOOK THE LAD ASIDE TO CORRECT HIM. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT PREGNANT MEANS?" SHE ASKED. "SURE," SAID THE YOUNG BOY CONFIDENTLY. "MEANS CARRYING A CHILD."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A GRANDMOTHER WAS SURPRISED BY HER 7 YEAR OLD GRANDSON ONE MORNING. HE HAD MADE HER COFFEE. SHE DRANK WHAT WAS THE WORST CUP OF COFFEE IN HER LIFE.. WHEN SHE GOT TO THE BOTTOM, THERE WERE THREE OF THOSE LITTLE GREEN ARMY MEN IN THE CUP. SHE SAID, HONEY, WHAT ARE THE ARMY MEN DOING IN MY COFFEE?" HER GRANDSON SAID, "GRANDMA, IT SAYS ON TV- "THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS SOLDIERS IN YOUR CUP!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
AN EXASPERATED MOTHER, WHOSE SON WAS ALWAYS GETTING INTO MISCHIEF, FINALLY ASKED HIM, "HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET INTO HEAVEN?" THE BOY THOUGHT IT OVER AND SAID, "WELL, I'LL JUST RUN IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND KEEP SLAMMING THE DOOR UNTIL ST. PETER SAYS, 'FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JIMMY, COME IN OR STAY OUT.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A NURSERY SCHOOL TEACHER WAS DELIVERING A STATION WAGON FULL OF KIDS HOME ONE DAY WHEN A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMED PAST. SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE FIRE TRUCK WAS A DALMATIAN DOG. THE CHILDREN STARTED DISCUSSING THE DOG'S DUTIES. "THEY USE HIM TO KEEP CROWDS BACK," SAID ONE YOUNGSTER. "NO," SAID ANOTHER, "HE'S JUST FOR GOOD LUCK." A THIRD CHILD BROUGHT THE ARGUMENT TO A CLOSE. "THEY USE THE DOGS," SHE SAID FIRMLY, "TO FIND THE
FIRE HYDRANT."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
LITTLE JOHNNY WATCHED, FASCINATED, AS HIS MOTHER SMOOTHED COLD CREAM ON HER FACE. "WHY DO YOU DO THAT, MOMMY?" HE ASKED. "TO MAKE MYSELF BEAUTIFUL," SAID HIS MOTHER, WHO THEN BEGAN REMOVING THE CREAM WITH A TISSUE. "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" ASKED LITTLE JOHNNY. "GIVING UP?"

Miss Meow

06-30-2003, 11:55 PM

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is
it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?

anna_66

07-01-2003, 06:17 AM

Good one Nicole:D

Airedalekisses

07-01-2003, 11:36 AM

there once was a dog named Mace! Mace was a fantastic dog but he had one bad habit-grass eating. no not just a bit-he rivaled the best lawnmower. one day Mace's dad was working on his car in the unmowed backyard and lost an expensive tool, well it was getting dark so he thought he would wait until morning to look for the tool. During the night Mace went in the back yard and ate all of the grass. The next morning the owner found his tool in the short grass and called to his doggy to give him a nice pat, Ah, a grazing Mace, how sweet the hound who saved a wrench for me.

I heard those groans!!:D

Bathsheba069

07-01-2003, 01:33 PM

A man was walking along the beach when he came upon an old bottle. Rubbing the dirt off to see the design, a genie came out. "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle," said the genie, "for that, I will give you a wish."

The man was amazed. For a long while he thought about what he'd always wanted. Finally, he said, "I would like you to build me a road to Hawaii because I've always wanted to go there but I don't like to fly and I don't like boats."

"Gosh," the genie said, "that's an awfully tall order. Isn't there something else you'd rather have?" The man thought for a while longer.

"Well," he said, "I've never understood women. I'd like you to explain women to me."

The genie replied, "Would you like a two- or four-lane highway?"

Bathsheba069

07-01-2003, 01:36 PM

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as... "Sinko de Mayo"

(Hope I didn't offend anyone! :) )

Bathsheba069

07-01-2003, 01:39 PM

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, “it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it’s hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin’ the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done."

AmericanSaddlebredLover

07-01-2003, 02:56 PM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

gini

07-01-2003, 07:58 PM

The Top Ten things that men know about women.........

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

apcrs5122

07-01-2003, 08:01 PM

Originally posted by AmericanSaddlebredLover
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

Hey now! I'm a blonde, and I ride horses! Very well at that too. LOL

anna_66

07-07-2003, 08:54 AM

10 reasons why God created Eve.

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's
appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy anew one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all,
[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back,
looked at Adam,
and declared:
"I can do better than that":p

gini

07-18-2003, 05:58 PM

A blonde walks into a curtain store and tells the salesman that she would like a pink curtain the size of her computer screen.

The salesman snickers and says, "lady, computers don't need curtains."

The blonde replies, "hellllooo, I have WINDOWS."

Airedalekisses

07-19-2003, 08:23 AM

a farmer in milking a cow and the poor cow is being bothered by flies in her ears, no matter what the cow does the flies keep bothering her-the farmer is unaware of this and just keeps milking all of a sudden the farmer sees some flies in the milk bucket-just as he thought in one ear and out the udder.

Edwina's Secretary

07-29-2003, 02:27 PM

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
evening. They turned on
a night light, turned the answering machine on the
phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because
"she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so
long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her
out into the back yard!"

ChrisH

07-29-2003, 03:05 PM

:D :D :D Good one Sara!!

captain

07-29-2003, 08:25 PM

ROTFL :D :D :D

Too funny .......... hee, hee .................. :D

Former User

08-27-2003, 02:11 AM

Former User

08-27-2003, 02:11 AM

:D :D

Former User

08-27-2003, 02:12 AM

Poor cat ;)

Former User

08-27-2003, 02:13 AM

I love this one :D

Former User

08-27-2003, 02:13 AM

Makes you smile, doesn't it? :)

bisi.cat

08-27-2003, 06:29 AM

Here's one of my favourite "Mutts" cartoons:D :D :D

bisi.cat

08-27-2003, 06:29 AM

...and another one:

bisi.cat

08-27-2003, 06:30 AM

...last one
:D :) :D

ChrisH

08-27-2003, 06:33 AM

:D All those are great! :D Thanks for sharing, C&K and bisi.cat! :)

captain

08-27-2003, 05:41 PM

Fantastic!!

I LOVE Marmaduke ........ and this one applies to my spotted wonders!!

captain

08-27-2003, 05:43 PM

... and another...... hehehehehehe - THIS IS RUBY!!!

ChrisH

08-28-2003, 04:43 AM

:D :D :D Good ones! thanks.:)

Randi

08-29-2003, 08:53 AM

101 Ways to be annoying. :D

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part
of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in
a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers
while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your
personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson
conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation
a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to
it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by
tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the
cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent.
If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big
one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a
parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens
that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior
mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

bisi.cat

08-29-2003, 12:48 PM

:) ;) :)

bisi.cat

08-29-2003, 12:49 PM

:) :p :)

bisi.cat

08-29-2003, 12:49 PM

...another one on cats...
:) :rolleyes: :)

bisi.cat

08-29-2003, 12:50 PM

:D :) :D
...last one...

Former User

08-29-2003, 03:06 PM

Former User

08-29-2003, 03:06 PM

cute! :)

Former User

08-29-2003, 03:07 PM

:D :D

Former User

08-29-2003, 03:08 PM

Toby's Mommy

08-29-2003, 07:27 PM

I have a few blonde jokes here are some of them. No Offense to the blondes!!
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
She called me to get my phone number, She spent 20 min. looking at the orange juice box because it said "Concentrate",
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind,
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order,
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it, She tried to drown a fish,
She thought a quarterback was a refund, She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death,
She triped over a cordless phone, She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept,
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store,
She studied for a blood test, She thought MeowMix was a mixed CD for Cats,
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "air port left" she turned around and went home,
I hope you all liked my jokes!!:D :rolleyes: ;) :D

Pam

09-01-2003, 07:46 AM

Just got these today in an e-mail.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Miss Meow

09-07-2003, 07:55 PM

> 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
>
> 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>
> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>

Miss Meow

09-07-2003, 07:56 PM

A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her.

She says - " I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up "

He says - " Your eyesight's spot on "

captain

09-08-2003, 12:23 AM

Miss Meow, I Love this one ........... I got it a few months ago, and it makes me ROTFL everytime ..

Originally quoted by Miss Meow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

RICHARD

09-10-2003, 12:45 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a
substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some
collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and
perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use
this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)

(are you sure?)

(you're gonna hate me!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Miss Meow

09-10-2003, 08:55 PM

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

captain

09-10-2003, 08:58 PM

NO RICHARD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AmberLee

09-10-2003, 09:38 PM

** What The New Job-Lingo Really Means **

** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).

** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.

** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

isis

09-11-2003, 12:06 PM

I don't know if anyone posted this one,well here's another Blonde joke:

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

gini

09-12-2003, 01:09 AM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Edwina's Secretary

09-12-2003, 09:43 AM

A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room."

Edwina's Secretary

09-24-2003, 10:54 AM

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs that?

"HELLOOOOooooo," answered the blonde. "They are watch dogs!!!!"

ILoveMyAbbyGirl

09-28-2003, 03:48 PM

This ones kinda gross, but it's funny....

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

Foam

09-28-2003, 04:01 PM

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

Pam

09-28-2003, 05:07 PM

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting
at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
---
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
---
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
---

Former User

09-29-2003, 10:43 AM

Former User

09-29-2003, 10:44 AM

cute! :)

Former User

09-29-2003, 10:45 AM

LOL :D :D

Former User

09-29-2003, 10:46 AM

nice jump :eek:

gini

10-03-2003, 11:53 AM

Why men lie!

> One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of
> a tree above a
> river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
> out, the Lord
> appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
>
> The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen
> into water, and he
> needed the axe to make his living.
>
> The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
> with a golden axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord again went down and came up with a silver
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord went down again and came up with an iron
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
>
> The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave
> him all three axes
> to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
>
> Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his
> wife along the
> riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
> When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
> asked him, "Why are you
> crying?"
>
> "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
>
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with
> Jennifer Lopez.
> "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
> "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
>
> The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
> untruth!"
>
> The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
> It is a
> misunderstanding.
> You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
> would have come up
> with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
> Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come
> up with my wife.
>
> Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all
> three to me.
> Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take
> care of all three
> wives,
> so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
>
> The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it
> is for a good and
> honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

slick

11-30-2003, 10:06 PM

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

trayi52

11-30-2003, 10:46 PM

Little town in Mexico

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.The storm
was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve
coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He
hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand
appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't
drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said
to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the person that got in the car while we
were pushing it!"

petlover

11-30-2003, 10:55 PM

This may offend some people. But remember, it is just a joke!

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.

So they're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is." I want to be gorgeous."and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.The second one in line hears this and says " I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the guy starts rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finnaly, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:......................

" Make 'em all ugly again."

trayi52

11-30-2003, 11:23 PM

"Signs You're Stressed"

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses off the people you're talking to.

The SUN is too loud.

You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.

You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.

You can see the individual air molecules vibrating.

You keep yelling, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and reality ...file for divorce.

trayi52

12-01-2003, 12:04 AM

:D :D ;)

trayi52

12-01-2003, 12:07 AM

:D ;) :D

trayi52

12-01-2003, 12:26 AM

Questions and Answers

At least the ladies should identify with these:

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him. Or 2- One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" ;)

trayi52

12-01-2003, 12:49 AM

"Would You Believe...?"

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.
On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their
room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the
convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated
train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this
must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally)
is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks
in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies,
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

captain

12-01-2003, 04:41 PM

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,

"They're Carols". :D :D :D

trayi52

12-01-2003, 10:35 PM

Rules For Buying Gifts For Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God
had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace
the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot
of money buy your man a big-screen TV with PIP.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.
If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day
and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears' Clearance Centers< are also excellent
men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something
I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with
a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However,
he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective
of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.

trayi52

12-01-2003, 10:44 PM

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as
neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly
wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap
the
darn thing for you.

trayi52

12-01-2003, 11:01 PM

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
-----------------------------------
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are
out of the question.

#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that
he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he
hears "You've Got Mail".

#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98 or Windows XP.

slick

12-01-2003, 11:03 PM

Tray, those are priceless.........

I just can't compete with those.:D :D :D

trayi52

12-03-2003, 01:34 AM

Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied
for, and you are going to fail the class anyways!

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Bring cheerleaders.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Bring pets.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

popcornbird

12-03-2003, 01:56 AM

Wow.......I just noticed that I made this thread 1 1/2 year ago...........18 long months ago..........and its still up on the first page. :eek: Wonder how long it will stay up! I was a total newbie when I made it.............had been here for less than 2 weeks! LOL

Tray, your jokes are great! I'm getting a good laugh out of them! :D

trayi52

12-03-2003, 02:12 AM

I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!! :D

Feel free to print this out for your own personal use!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:________________________ Date of Birth:_________________
Height:_________ Weight:__________ IQ:_________ GPA:__________
Social Security #:___________ Driver's License #: Number:_______
Boy Scout Rank:_________________ Telephone:___________________
Home Address:__________________________________________ ____
City:__________________________ State:__________ Zip:___________

1. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

2. Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5. Do you have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.

6. In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?

7. In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter
mean to you?

8. In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?

10. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________

11. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father
and priest/rabbi?__________________________

12. Please fill in the blanks:

a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
wounded would be my ____________________________

b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
be my_____________________________

c. A woman's place is in the ____________________________

d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
______________________________

e. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is______________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave
premises--keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

13. What do you want to be if you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment,
torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.

Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in
writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't
call me, I'll call you.

CatDad

12-03-2003, 08:53 AM

Originally posted by trayi52
I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!! :D
That is great, I would have loved to have been there when you gave it to them.:D

G.P.girl

12-03-2003, 09:02 AM

lol you have really good jokes trayi! i don't know any so i'll just stick to reading yuors!:D

AvaJoy

12-03-2003, 07:22 PM

I'm so glad this joke thread is still going strong after so long! Great idea, Popcornbird!:)

Super additions, trayi52 . . . :D :D

A man strolling through the woods comes across another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly against the bark. He inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You've got to be kiddin' me!"

"No, I'm not . . . why not give it a try?"

So the curious guy wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up to the bark. The other man quickly handcuffs his wrists, steals his watch, wallet, car keys and strips him naked before leaving.

A few hours pass, when another nature lover comes upon the handcuffed victim. "What the hell happened to you?" asks the hiker.

The handcuffed man proceeds to tell him the whole story, after which the man shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain't your day."

AvaJoy

12-03-2003, 07:33 PM

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan

I will make you beg for mercy . . . beg me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

THE FLU

{Just a reminder to get your flu shots, all!} :)

trayi52

12-03-2003, 07:48 PM

AvaJoy,
Those were great, I love jokes!!! I am a sucker for them.

tray

trayi52

12-04-2003, 01:30 AM

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

Everyone say it with me...

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I
am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program
in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old.
He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT
ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-
mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.

12. And finally, I will not let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

captain

12-04-2003, 07:08 PM

Trayi - I loved the application form ........ gonna print that out!

AND

The 12 rules of forwarding! Soooooo true, just wish some of my friends knew that already!!! :D

trayi52

12-04-2003, 09:17 PM

Captain, I made several of my daughters boy friends fill that form out. I rejected all applications, LOL. Kept telling them, wrong answers, your application is rejected. I think Lins boy friends hated me for that. Lin just laughed about it. She thought it was so funny.:D ;)

trayi52

12-07-2003, 02:03 AM

60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

trayi52

12-07-2003, 02:05 AM

BABY AFTER BABY

In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think
there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down - there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no!
Don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

trayi52

12-07-2003, 02:08 AM

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on
fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far
away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the
machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm
pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast
to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and
still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps,
the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly,
she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out
the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going
to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear
from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE
in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my
lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What
would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am,"
he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's
the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to
relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my
backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I
figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I. Now, ladies, get those mammograms but
be prepared.

trayi52

12-07-2003, 02:34 AM

QUIRKY QUOTES......
>
> These were sent to me with no credit given to who said them
> but they are really good ones!!! My apologies to the authors.....
>
> "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There
> was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
> myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise.
> I paid myself. Then I quit."
>
> "I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here,
> Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move
> at all."
>
> "I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals
> 1 mile. It's sure is hard to fold."
>
> "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
> I think I've forgotten this before."
>
> "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
> Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday,
> I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
>
> "My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made
> a couple mistakes."
>
> "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
> It was in the shape of a house."
>
> "The other day I was in a WalMart. I saw a sign that said
> "pet supplies". So I did.
> Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars,"
> but I didn't."
>
> "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what
> it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and
> I say, "I think I might have written that."
>
> "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
> thinks he can get me three to five."
>
>FRIVOLOUS FILLERS.....
>
> "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance,
> waiting to get into the bathroom."-- Bob Hope--
> ~~~~~~
> Spouse [noun]; A person who will stand by you through
> all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had
> stayed single.
> ~~~~~~
> You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
> say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
> "No, it's for company!"
> ~~~~~~
> Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
> but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
> chocolate cake.
> ~~~~~~
> Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize
> you haven't fallen asleep yet.
> ~~~~~~
> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people
> will ever have.
> ~~~~~~
> Never do card tricks for the guys you play poker with.
> ~~~~~~
> The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
> And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^** ^**^**^**^**^**^**
>

amoore

12-07-2003, 10:35 AM

Funny Willie!:D

Miss Meow

12-07-2003, 04:24 PM

> A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather
> man named Rudolf.
>
> He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the
> Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected
> him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at
> predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the
> prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was
> approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife
> lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and
> prepare for the worst.
>
> After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at
> the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction
> was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she
> said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud
> anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact,
> that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever
> had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't
> going to rain.
>
> He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it
> was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his
> Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about.
> She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
>
> They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to
> bed mad at each other.
>
> During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit
> the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning
> when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and
> saw all the water that had fallen that night.
>
> "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
>
> His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I
> want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
>
> To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

trayi52

12-07-2003, 06:01 PM

* Convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

* Gas Station: "Eat Here. Get Gas."

* Department Store: " Our Credit Manager is Helen Wait. If you want credit go to Helen Waite."

* Headline - Strike Continues: "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"

* Classified Ad: Three month old puppies for sale. Half lab / half neighbor's sneaky dog

* Bulldog for sale: Eats anything. Very fond of children.

* Maternity ward: "No children allowed."

* Bakery Truck: "Bimbo Bakery: We got some hot buns."

* Restaurant: "Try our chowder -- it's thick and rich, just like the boss!"

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." "We butter our buns for you." * News Headline: "Autos Killing 110 a Day -- Let's Resolve to Do Better"

* Stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."

* Restaurant Sign: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

* New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

* New Orleans restaurant Menu: "Blackened bluefish"

* Men's Clothing Store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

* Propane Company: "Got Gas?"

* Exterminator: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." We butter our buns for you."

* Rib Restaurant: "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down."

* Newspaper Headline: "Patient At Death's Door -- Doctors Pull Him Through"

trayi52

12-15-2003, 12:13 AM

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

This is from a radio program, a true report
of an incident that happened in Michigan.

A man buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator
for $42,500 with $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,
and of course, in Michigan all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake
with their guns, a dog, and the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind
of a natural landing area for the ducks;
something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look
like something a wandering duck would fly
down and land on, it is going to take a
little more effort than an ice hole drill. So,
out of the back of the brand new Navigator
comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40
second fuse.
These two rocket scientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the
stick of dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they and the new Navigator
are standing, because they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when
they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw
the dynamite. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns, and a DOG?
Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained
black lab used for RETRIEVING!
Especially things that are thrown by the
it's master. You guessed it! The dog takes
off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice
and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40 second fuse about the time it
hit the ice. The two men yell, scream,
wave their arms and wonder what to do
now. The dog, cheered on, comes
bounding happily toward the men.

One of the guys grabs a shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with
birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a full
grown Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, but continues
on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
still on his feet, becomes really confused
and of course terrified, thinking these two
geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover....under the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to yell as they run.

The exhaust pipe on the Navigator is still
hot, so the dog yelps, drops the dynamite
under the truck, and takes off after his
master. Then ... BOOM ... the Navigator
is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake in a very large hole, leaving the
two idiots standing there with this 'I
can't really believe this happened' look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking
a vehicle in a lake during illegal use of
explosives is not covered.

The owner had yet to make the first of
those $560 a month payments!

And Yankees laugh at, make fun of and
say that Rednecks are dumb Southerners,
well who is driving their truck and who
wishes they had a truck !

trayi52

12-15-2003, 12:14 AM

Oh, take a look at the attachment! See why I don't want to eat Frog Legs??

Twisterdog

12-15-2003, 12:49 AM

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

Oh, I'm quite SURE it can be true! No doubt about it!

:D

trayi52

12-15-2003, 12:51 AM

Twisterdog, that is funny:D :D

slick

01-04-2004, 10:01 PM

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....

Misdewiener..........

trayi52

01-04-2004, 10:54 PM

Slick, practice makes perfect, so she needs to practice, practice , and practice some more!!!! Sister was just a natural at it, but she may have to work at it. ;)

amoore

01-05-2004, 09:05 AM

Sipoweitz says, that picture made him feel pain!:eek:

G.P.girl

01-07-2004, 02:00 PM

8 famous blond inventions:
1) Waterproof towels
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) trap doors on submarines
4)a book titled "teach yourself to read"
5) An inflatable dartboard
6) A dictionary with an index
7) Instant water powder (just add water)
8) water proof tea filter

HoRsELUvR

01-07-2004, 05:32 PM

I heard this joke from a friend.It's really funny.

An elementary school teacher was receiving gifts from her students at the end of the year.One student whose father owned a butcher shop came up and gave her his package.The teacher shook it and asked,"Is it beef jerkey?"
"Yea, how'd you know?",said the kid.
"Lucky guess",the teacher answered.
The next kid, wYea, how'd you know?",said the kid.hose father owned a candy store, handed the teacher a package.She shook it and said,"I bet it's candy."
"Yea how'd you know?
Lucky guess",the teacher answered.
Another kid, whose father owned a liquor store, gave the teacher a package.She shook the package, and a few drops fell out,so she tasted them.
"Is it wine?", the teacher said.
"Nope",said the kid,so the teacher let a few more drops of the package from the liquor store fall on her finger so she could taste it again.

"How about champagne?"said the teacher.
"No"
"Well what is it?"
The kid answered,"It's a puppy!"

trayi52

01-11-2004, 01:06 PM

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed
to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for
me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in
my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A
student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting
neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

LauralG

01-11-2004, 11:01 PM

Gift for Snow White
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

:) lol
yep I'm blonde also. lol Great jokes guys they were all funny.

trayi52

01-11-2004, 11:09 PM

Laura, that is hilarious!!

Willie

LauralG

01-11-2004, 11:17 PM

:) lol thanks Willie :D

amoore

01-11-2004, 11:29 PM

I'm a blond too.:(

amoore

01-11-2004, 11:39 PM

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid95/pb167f863a71eb8b225e8f5aeccd8663a/fa2818d6.jpg

At least I found my prints!:D

LauralG

01-12-2004, 12:06 AM

lol I guess I got to kiss alot of toods before i get my price o I mean....... Prints lol great pic.. great jokes. Thanks. :)

amoore

01-12-2004, 12:44 AM

He is a prince not a toad! heheheh . Don't you think he is" purdy!"
:D

LauralG

01-12-2004, 09:53 AM

Whats his name and he your pet?:D He is big lol.

Thanks Willie for this pretty signature

amoore

01-12-2004, 10:04 AM

That is Sipoweitz, He is the most petted frog out of my 7. He is so sweet, you pick him up and he starts talking frog talk. He is the one in my signature. I have had him for two years, almost three.:D

LauralG

01-12-2004, 10:13 AM

I just love it when frogs sing we hear them alot out here in Canada because I live near alot of water. He is pretty. :D

Thanks Wiliie for this signature Ii is so pretty.

trayi52

01-12-2004, 11:47 AM

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

amoore

01-12-2004, 12:03 PM

LOL! That is funny, but true!:D

LauralG

01-12-2004, 03:46 PM

Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

:) LOL

Thankyou Willie for this signature I just love it.:)

RICHARD

01-14-2004, 11:38 AM

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it
didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

gini

01-14-2004, 12:00 PM

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went
to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The
Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for
small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She
reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The
blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running
smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the
top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his
jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of
the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked.
"All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan

slick

01-16-2004, 10:04 PM

> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
> rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
> the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
> buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some
> more.
>
> "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
>
> "But I always buy it here," says the blonde
>
> "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist.
>
> "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
>
> She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
> looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
> underarm deodorant"
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud
> from the container....."TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Tonya

01-19-2004, 05:23 PM

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!!!!
>
> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
> I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
> started."
>
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
>
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
> and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
> her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
> able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
>
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice
> cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, .........................
>
> "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
>

ILoveMyAbbyGirl

01-19-2004, 05:33 PM

THAT... was great, Tonya!

bluekat

01-19-2004, 05:45 PM

LMAO Tonya!!!:D

trayi52

01-19-2004, 07:45 PM

Corporate Ladder

After a two year-long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people
is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.

captain

01-19-2004, 09:58 PM

ROTFL - that was brilliant!

micki76

01-19-2004, 10:03 PM

LMAO!! :D

slick

01-20-2004, 10:23 AM

> >A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
> >
> >He puts the alligator up on the bar.
> >
> >He turns to the astonished patrons.
> >
> >"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
> >genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
> >He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
> >
> >The crowd murmured their approval.
> >
> >The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth.
> >
> >The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
> >
> >After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
> >hard on the top of its head.
> >
> >The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
> >promised.
> >
> >The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
> >
> >The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."
> >
> >A hush fell over the crowd.
> >
> >After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
> >
> >A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but don't hit me so hard on
> >the head with the beer bottle!"

captain

01-22-2004, 03:52 PM

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE, (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

- A backward poet writes inverse.

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- Every calendar's days are numbered.

- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to be at.

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

guster girl

01-22-2004, 10:36 PM

Ok, this is a lame joke, but, it always gets a laugh. Or are people just laughing at me when I tell it? hmmmm....anyway, it makes me laugh, so here goes.....

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the one with the sticker that says "IDAHO"!

bu-dum-bum! ;)

guster girl

01-22-2004, 10:39 PM

oooo!!!!! Has anyone told the joke from "Pulp Fiction"? It's another one that's really lame, but, I love it. Sorry if this is a repeat....

Mama tomato, papa tomato and baby tomato are walking down the street together. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato goes and steps on him and says "ketchup." :)

Pam

02-01-2004, 05:46 PM

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing
golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he
was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade for his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said
to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me
for two or three days?" To which the husband
replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
went by and he didn't see his wife. Wednesday came
and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday
the swelling went down just enough where he could
see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

:p

captain

02-01-2004, 05:48 PM

ROTFL!!!! ;) :D

trayi52

02-01-2004, 05:57 PM

I really love that one Pam, LOL I bet that wasn't the way he intended on not seeing his wife! Good enough for him, and very good for her!

amoore

02-01-2004, 08:10 PM

That was a great joke! LOL! He got what he deserved! :D

LauralG

02-01-2004, 08:18 PM

This is a great joke they were all really good lol. :)

Thankyou for the signature Willie it's really pretty I love it.:)

GoldenRetrLuver

02-02-2004, 12:37 PM

LOLOLOLOL!! Tonya and Slick. :D :D :D

anna_66

02-14-2004, 09:35 AM

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a**-kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there, Bulls**t and A**-kissing will put you over the top ;)

Pam

03-14-2004, 05:01 PM

OK here's my latest contribution. Just got this one today in an e-mail from my brother. :)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four."
:p

amoore

03-14-2004, 05:42 PM

Good one Pam! LOL! :D

trayi52

03-14-2004, 05:48 PM

Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he
called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest
warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed each to go out
and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most
skins would be chief.

About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred
pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying,
"Watch for Falling Rocks."

ILoveMyAbbyGirl

03-14-2004, 05:51 PM

LOL Great jokes you guys!

*smack*

BitsyNaceyDog

03-14-2004, 07:46 PM

This is funny because it's such a stupid joke. It's my favorite joke.

What is big and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

...............................A pool table :D

amoore

03-14-2004, 07:55 PM

You guys LOL! Too funny! LOL!:D :D

Miss Meow

03-17-2004, 04:05 PM

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!!!!!!

gini

03-17-2004, 04:18 PM

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing

a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his

horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that

there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves

again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a

slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to

avoid all the trees.

Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren and

brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's

car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the

officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes,

Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

G.P.girl

03-17-2004, 05:11 PM

ok, we have this sub at school and everyday she tells us a corny joke or two, here are a few of them:

--Why is the bottom of the ocean floor wet?

--because the sea weed

-What did the salmon say when he ran in to a concrete wall?

- Dam.

---what did 0 say to 8?

---Nice belt.

And my favorite ;)

-why was 6 afriad of 7?

--Because 789!!!

lol :P

Miss Meow

05-17-2004, 11:09 PM

Stopping the Weapons of Math Deduction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

captain

05-17-2004, 11:53 PM

Kindly sent to me by Miss DeliDog

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

Randi

05-30-2004, 03:27 PM

A fire at the Whitehouse has destroyed the President's personal library. A presidential spokesman said that the President is devestated as both books were derstroyed, and he hadn't finished colouring the second one....

joanofark

05-30-2004, 04:12 PM

I don't know if this has been posted or not but I will give it a try!

A teacher asked this little kindergarten girl
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" She didn't know the answer. Her teacher told her that her homework is to find out what the first letter of the alphabet is. So she goes home and she asked her big sister who was doing her own homework,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" The little girl asked.
"SHUT UP!" Her sister yelled.
"Okay!" the girl said to herself. Then she goes and asks her mom who was talking on the phone,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
" Yeah, okay" Her mom answered.
"Okay the girl said to herself. The she goes and asks her dad who was watching the foot ball game on TV,
" YES! Touch down 49!" her dad answered.
" Okay" the girl said to herself" then she goes to her grandpa who was cooking buns,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?" she asked her grandpa. All of a sudden the smoke alarm goes off!
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!" Grandpa screams.
"Okay" the little girl says to herself. The next day her teacher asked her,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
"SHUT UP!" The girl screams.
"Do you want to go to the principals office?" her teacher asked her.
"Yeah, okay" She answers. So when she got to the principals office he asked her,
"How many spankings do you want?"
" YES! touch down 49!" she said. SO she gets 49 spankings and then she says,
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

amoore

06-01-2004, 08:13 AM

joanofark, That was so funny! Thank you for the laugh!:D

AmberLee

06-26-2004, 07:34 PM

CHILDREN SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS, EVEN IN CHURCH

1. A little boy was in a relative's Wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went-step, step, ROAR; step, step, ROAR; all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

2. One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle. On his way out just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

3. One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

4. A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

5. A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."

6. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

7. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

8. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old." He replied.

9. A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or King James Virgin?"

10. I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, The
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

11. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

12. A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

ChrisH

06-27-2004, 12:50 PM

:D :D Thanks AmberLee, I was LOL all the way through them! :)

captain

06-28-2004, 07:11 PM

OMGoodness .............. too funny! :D

Steffi N

08-10-2004, 05:54 PM

My sister in Ohio sent me these. :D

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

*****************

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

popcornbird

08-10-2004, 06:01 PM

Its been 2 years and 2 months since the day this thread was created, and it still continues to pop up on Page 1!!! :eek: WOW!!!

That was too funny Steffi! :D

amoore

08-31-2004, 10:06 AM

I am glad this is still going! Great to have some humor in a major serious world! Great Idea!

Steffi, I loved all of those! I found one that i should have read a long time ago! lol
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.:p

AmberLee

10-21-2004, 01:02 AM

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

This was sent to me by a friend. Thought you all would enjoy it, too.
;) :p

gini

10-21-2004, 10:29 AM

Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

AvaJoy

10-21-2004, 07:26 PM

Here is a "blonde" joke:

Two blondes are sitting outside enjoying a lovely evening with a full moon shining. One asks the other "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?"

The other blonde rolls her eyes and replies, "Duhhh! You can't even SEE Florida from here!" :D

AmberLee

10-22-2004, 02:05 PM

Originally posted by gini
Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

WooHoo!!! I am SO there if we could!

AmberLee

10-22-2004, 02:06 PM

_@/ snail

@ frightened snail

_@_ tired snail

_@/\@_ snail meeting

_@@/ snails uh...

~@~ flying snail

.o/ baby snail

__/ slug

\/
_@ snail watching TV

_a/ homeless snail

_@/
@
@
@
@ snail living in a high-rise

_A/ snail at vacation home

cookieluver7

10-24-2004, 08:00 PM

Sorry if anybody else did this one but I didn't want to read every joke to make sure i didnt copy anybody. I have a couple.

1st joke: There was a little boy and it was the first day of school. His teacher was teaching the class the abc's. The little boy says, "Teacher I have to go pottie!" "Okay," says the teacher, "but first say the abc's." "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz" says the boy. "What happened to the p?" the teacher asked. "It's running down my leg!" you've prbly heard it already and I know it's kind of cheesy, but I thought it was kind of funny:rolleyes:

2nd joke: Why didn't the chicken cross the rode? Because he was a chicken! Ha ha! (corny!)

3rd and last joke: The boys says to his dad, "daddy is GOD black or white" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" then he asked "daddy, is GOD a boy or a girl?" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" the boy looked shocked. "DADDY! I didn't know that GOD was Michael Jackson! Hope you enjoyed these jokes!

AmberLee

10-25-2004, 12:08 AM

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

DJFyrewolf36

10-25-2004, 09:41 AM

Heres a dorky blonde joke lol

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 pm news. The featured story was about a man who was about to jump off of a high rise building. The brunette says to the blonde "I bet you 5 bucks he is going to jump off that building" The blond replies "I bet he wont!"

Sure enough the guy jumps

The brunette says "Well I can't really accept the 5 bucks because I saw this story on the 5 pm news so I knew what was going to happen"

The blonde replies "Yeah, I watched it on the 5 pm news too, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump off twice!"

:rolleyes: yeah I know hehe

AmberLee

11-10-2004, 06:55 PM

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

AmberLee

11-10-2004, 07:28 PM

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

AvaJoy

11-11-2004, 07:10 PM

Some great quotes, AmberLee!:)

Maya & Inka's mommy

11-15-2004, 12:52 PM

"IS YOUR MOMMY BUSY ??
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I
told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off
for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side
and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I
was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the
door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

AmberLee

11-15-2004, 08:00 PM

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign outside a restaurant:

Fish $8.95
Fresh Fish $9.95 :eek:

At one of my jobs, my office was near the soldering department. Whenever the supervisor held a meeting he would start it by saying "If you don't understand English, raise your hand."

How about the guy that came in and said, "Could you please look up the number for 9-1-1 so I can call an ambulance?"

AmberLee

11-15-2004, 08:03 PM

Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

dogs_4_me

11-15-2004, 08:04 PM

Originally posted by AmberLee
Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

LMAO! 1

amoore

11-16-2004, 04:24 PM

:D Thank you Amber Lee ! Those were sooo funny! I almost fell out of my chairlaughing while I was reading them!

AmberLee

12-03-2004, 05:52 PM

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head B utt
8 . Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

(Although some people like to add Military Intelligence or Corporate Intelligence, too!)
:p ;)

gini

12-10-2004, 06:26 PM

Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS:

Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed

to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither

one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late

to hit the delete button,nine months later a blessed

little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

Maya & Inka's mommy

12-15-2004, 07:29 AM

Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-
clerk, and one of them says: "Could you pleash give ush a bed with
two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the
clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their
room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their
door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and
they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on
the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to
rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone
in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to
sleep in the beds!" says the first.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired
to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come and
share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."

anna_66

12-18-2004, 06:53 AM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade ! from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2!

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

AmberLee

12-20-2004, 11:04 PM

SIGNS THAT THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF ITS WARRANTY

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Maya & Inka's mommy

01-22-2005, 06:31 AM

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"

"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes Your Honor, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."

"Thirdly Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's Model 44, the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.

vinjashira

01-22-2005, 04:50 PM

Originally posted by Maya & Inka's mommy
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

er... isn't that ancient? :D

Chica

01-22-2005, 09:13 PM

There was an American man that had a meeting in France. He met a woman that night and they had their own meeting. While they had sex, she was yelling "Trou Faux". He did not know what that meant, but he assumed it to be a praise. The next day he went golfing with some men he had a meeting with. One of the men made a hole in one. He yelled "Trou Faux". They looked at him and said "what do you mean wrong hole!"

gini

01-23-2005, 01:04 PM

an old joke, but still cute.........

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations. She loved them so much, she
couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from
the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished with their inoculations.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

vinjashira

01-23-2005, 02:56 PM

great jokes :D
keep them coming!

AmberLee

01-26-2005, 01:43 AM

Some Country Wisdom

1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

3. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

5. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

9. Meanness don't happen overnight.

10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.

16. Don't corner something meaner than you.

17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.

22. Every path has some puddles.

23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

26. Never squat if you are wearing spurs.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a reason for the move:

You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Maya & Inka's mommy

02-14-2005, 09:34 AM

;)

Valentine's Cards That Didn't Make It

* I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
but the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

* Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless one day you refuse to swallow.

* I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

* This feels so good, it feels so right.
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

* You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class;
especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

* Before I met you, my heart was famished
But now I'm fulfilled
So make me a sandwich.

* Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown
But so's your ass.

* You're a honey and you're a cutie;
I just wished you had J-Lo's booty.

* I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it; I'm horny.

* If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one I gave to your sister.

Maya & Inka's mommy

02-14-2005, 09:36 AM

One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs
the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head
down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain
is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour.
There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really
terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"

AmberLee

02-14-2005, 07:13 PM

Hee, hee. I really loved the non-PC valentine verses.

Tried to resist posting a response. It was a pleasant thrill to see 1234 posts in this thread. Oh well, 1235 isn't bad, either!

AvaJoy

02-14-2005, 07:37 PM

I'm laughing hard, Maya & Inka's Mom!!!:D

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind couch and leave it there all summer.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Try stuffing it into a small net bag, making sure that all the appendages stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Still not on your last nerve? Try this:

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Automobile Test: Forget the BMW and buy an SUV or van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD or cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides ot the vehicle. There . . . perfect!

Physical Test (women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove about 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Proceed to the nearest food store or toy store, whichever is closest. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it uninterrupted for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their skills regarding discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and the child's table manners. Suggest some ways they might improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their kids to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

doggylovr6

02-14-2005, 09:52 PM

There was some sort of british man that needed someone to paint his porch. Being the nationality he was, when he told the women that painted it, he said "Just give the porsh a nice good 2 coats" When the lady came back, and knocked on the door she said it was a Marcedes, not a porsh. ahahhahah

doggylovr6

02-14-2005, 09:57 PM

There was a man and he was a gambler and the only friend he had was a parrot. Since he was a gambler, he always taught the bird bad language so when his buddies came over on Thanksgiving, the bird was bad mouthing them. What the man did was stick him in the freezer for 5 minits. When he took the bird out the bird was saying "I will never badmouth no one ever again but i only have one question" What did the turkey do?

haha get it. thanksgiving, turkey in the freezer, bird in the freezer. ahahahahha

flamepony12

02-14-2005, 11:01 PM

lol, these are so funny!! :D

anna_66

02-16-2005, 09:13 AM

Got Migraines?

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly .

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

Jadapit

02-16-2005, 10:06 AM

I hope these aren't to bad. If they offend anyone PLEASE let me know and I will delete them.;)

Jumping On The Bed

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched
her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I
don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year
old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life
> that when she married, she was to please her husband
> and never upset him. So the first morning of her
> honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of
> bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
> husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big
> fart.
>
> She looked up and said:
>
> "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
> happy, back hole laugh out loud...

captain

02-16-2005, 11:14 PM

ROTFLMAO

Anna and JadaPit - those were GR8

amoore

02-17-2005, 08:00 AM

So funny! Thank you for sharing! Great to start the day with a laugh!
Here is a cute one that was sent to me. :

Oggyflute

02-17-2005, 11:46 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v445/oggyflute/Larson%20Favs2/100_3961.jpg

Maya & Inka's mommy

03-12-2005, 09:36 AM

A Birthday Wish

A man walks into the closet to speak to his wife while she is rummaging through her clothes and asks her what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake!

Then it was off to a movie - the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

animal_rescue

03-12-2005, 01:01 PM

Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse

1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout "Get off,stupid! Get off!"

2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!

3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.

4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.

5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.

6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".

7. Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

8. Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be'...(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled."

9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,..."

10. Marry Money!

Oggyflute

03-12-2005, 11:29 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v445/oggyflute/Larson%20Favs2/100_3930.jpg
:D

ChrisH

03-25-2005, 05:51 AM

"Attention, Passengers!â€
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
* * * * * *
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
* * * * * *
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
* * * * * *
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."
* * * * * *
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
* * * * * *
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
* * * * * *
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
* * * * * *
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
* * * * * *
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child...pick your favourite.
* * * * * *
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
* * * * * *
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
* * * * * *
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
* * * * * *
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
* * * * * *
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
* * * * * *
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
* * * * * *
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"
* * * * * *
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
* * * * * *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
* * * * * *
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
* * * * * *
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways
******
:D

Taken from one of the daily e-mails of:
http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/