joke thread

[AmberLee]

Human Resources

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy guide for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.

At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

· If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
· If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
· If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
· If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
· If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
· If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
· If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
· If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
· And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

[AmberLee]

EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB
----------------
- "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

- "I was working smarter -- not harder."

- "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

- "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

- "I'm in the management training program."

- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.

- Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

- "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broke ... "

- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

- "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

- "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Waltons.)"

- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

[AmberLee]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[AmberLee]

How to screw up an interview

The top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were surveyed for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some of their true, yet ludicrous tales:

1."... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2."She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3."A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4."... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

5."Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

6."When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

7."... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

8."While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

9."During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

10."A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

11."His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

12."... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

13."Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

14."... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

15."Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

16."Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

17."Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

[AmberLee]

Résumé Bloopers



Learn from the mistakes of others: Here are a few examples of what not to include on your job application. ...


"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voicemanil."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

[AmberLee]

Real Signs:

· Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
· Maternity Clothe Shop: We are open on Labor Day
· Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
· On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
· On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
· Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
· Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
· Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
· Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
· Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
· Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
· Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome Dog food is expensive
· Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
· Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary We'll hear you coming
· Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people
· Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
· Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left
· Veterinarian's: Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!
· The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
· Beauty Shop: Dye now!
· Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
· Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
· Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
· Bowling Alley: Please be quiet We need to hear a pin drop
· Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria--Socks can eat any place they want
· Music Library: Bach in a minuet
· Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait
· Gynecologist window: At your cervix
· Travel Agency: Please Go Away

[AmberLee]

Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined
- from various sources

- - - - -
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."

Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[AmberLee]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as a common driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Those are good AmberLee.... I am gonna have to print the hormone hostage out to give to my husband.... he is a REALLY GOOD husband but ALWAYS tends to be in the dangerous;) ;)

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D Good jokes!

[anna_66]

Little Margaret was not the best student in
> Sunday School. Usually she
> > > slept through the class. One day her teacher, a
> Nun, called on her while
> > > she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created
> the universe?"
> > >
> > > When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an
> altruistic boy seated in the
>
> > > chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in
> the rear. God Almighty!"
> > > shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good"
> and Margaret fell back
> > > asleep.
> > >
> > > A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is
> our Lord and Savior?" But,
> > > Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber. Once
> again, little Johnny
> came
> > > to the rescue and stuck her again. Jesus
> Christ!" shouted Margaret and
> the
> > > Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back
> asleep.
> > >
> > > Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.
> What did Eve say to Adam
> > > after she had her twenty-third child?" Again
> Johnny came to the rescue.
> > > This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If
> you stick that damn thing
> in
> > > me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
> > >
> > > The Nun fainted

[Cookiebaker]

*hee hee* Anna, that's a good one! I'm gonna share that with Mark!

[Nomilynn]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway
for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was
left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and
opened
her up further.

The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined
it
and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for
your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[anna_66]

An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[ChrisH]

"One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world."

------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting into heaven
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart...

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" all the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
Jay Leno

[Nomilynn]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him - it
will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most impor-
tantly, you have to increase your frequency of intimacy. If
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the
doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Nomilynn]

Looking for something new and exciting to do? Why not initiate an office
dare system-however to do it
properly only you are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well
read on…….

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1.Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2.Groan out load in the toilet cubicle (at least one other
‘non-player’ must be in the toilet at the time).
3.Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
4.Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
say, "Just called to say I can’t talk right now.
Bye"
5.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
head
6.When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger It, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooo good!"
7.Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8.Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9.While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

1.Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with the
double-barreled fingers.
2.Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don’t want to have to repeat it".
3.Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel infront of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5.Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE-POINT DARES

1.At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice
to conclude with the singing of the national anthem
(extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2.Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off
10 times.
3.For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4.Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
5.After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent As
in "the reports on your desk, mon". Keep this
up for one hour.
6.While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7.In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut
up!."
8.At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my
witness, I’ll never go hungry again."
9.In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10.Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna
trade?"
11.Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person? " Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s
gone now".
12.Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say "I can’t talk
about it".
13.Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14.Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) durning a
very important conference call.
15.Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16.Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when some
points it out.
17.Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash
each biscuit with your fist.
18.During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
door.
19.Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
attendee, move them according to the movements of
their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn’t enough for you here is some examples of the insane
acts you can use anywhere…

1.At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow
down.
2.Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."
3.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
4.Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over his or her caffeine addictions, switch
to espresso.
6.In the subject field for all your emails, write "FOR SEXUAL
FAVOURS".
7.Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8.Don’t use any punctuation
9.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh histerically after they answer.

11.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12.Sing along at the opera
13.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14.Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their
party because you’re not in the mood.
16.Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "Run for your lives, they’re loose!"

[Uabassoon]

17.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time

LOL I actually did that once. My friends didn't think I would actually do it. I got a few crazy looks, but it was funny.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Subject: GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[anna_66]

Their best blocker!
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/11/block14.jpg
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/11/cartoon18.jpg

[ChrisH]

Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eternal Truths

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[anna_66]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,
he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat
she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

**************************************************
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[ChrisH]

LOL :D :D

[ellensy]

haha, funny, nothing better than a good laugh in the middle of the night! :D :D :D Keep 'em coming. :cool:

[Edwina's Secretary]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...... so I did.


We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy........'

And here I am."

Blond men do exist!!!!

[Tanya&Fritz]

Another day at the White House


A re-telling of the old Abbot & Costello skit "Who's on First? - updated and just hilarious!
We take you now to the Oval Office.......

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China

George: Great. Lay it on me

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China

George: That's what I want to know

Condi: That's what I'm telling you

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes

George: I mean the fellow's name

Condi: Hu

George: The guy in China

Condi: Hu

George: The new leader of China

Condi: Hu

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East

Condi: That's correct

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No

Condi: You don't want Kofi

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

Condi picks up the phone......

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[mugsy]

A flight has been delayed and passengers are lined up waiting to be rerouted when an angry passenger pushes past everyone in the line and slams his ticket on the counter and demands, " I NEED to be on THIS plane and in first class!."

The ticket agent says, "Sir, I'd be happy to help you, but you need to return to the line."

The man retorts," You don't seem to understand...do you KNOW who I AM?"

Without missing a beat the ticket agent picks up the microphone and announces to the terminal, " There is a man at window 24 who doesn't seem to know who he is. Anyone who can help him identify himself, please report to window 24."

By this time the entire line is in hysterics and the man, furious, and turning beet red, flips off the ticket agent.

Again, without missing a beat, the ticket agent responds, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to wait in line for that too."

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021129.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

*************************************************
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021130.gif
YAAAAA Christmas is coming!

[ellensy]

hehe :D

[anna_66]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just thought this was so cute! I know a while back we were talking about this.
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/11/bike27.jpg

[ellensy]

LOL :D

i agree w/ the teenage stuff......:)

[AmberLee]

SIGNS ON CHURCH MARQUEES:

1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1 ."
2. "Under same management for over 2000 years."
3. "Soul food served here."
4. "Tithe, if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
5. "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
6. "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
8. "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks."
9. "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
10. "Come early for a good Back-seat."
11. "Life has many choices; Eternity has two. What's yours?"
12. "Worry is - interest paid on trouble before it is due."
13. "A man's character is like a fence.
It cannot be strengthened by whitewash."
14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
15. "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
16. "Delay is preferable to error."
17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
20. "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
21. "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
24. "May is God's apology for February."
25. "To belittle is to be little."
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in
you."
27. "God answers knee mail."
28. "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you
back."

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021202.gif

[anna_66]

Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[ChrisH]

ROFL :D :D :D
Oh, Anna, those are so good! Thanks for brightening up my Saturday!:) :)

[anna_66]

:D Your welcome Chris!
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021208.gif

[ellensy]

heeheehee :D

[anna_66]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceeding the exam and doing the following
practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask friend to slowly back the car up until
your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and
repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a total stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared! And just another thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with "MEN"?
And when we have REAL problems, it's a HISterectomy!

P.S.
Don't forget to make that annual appointment with your "GUY"necologist!

[anna_66]

Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and
the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull
up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater a and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or
perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...A whole new definition of being "pissed off"!!!

[ellensy]

:D

[AvaJoy]

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and then welcome him. After a few holes the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living, so they ask him. The stranger replies that he is a hitman. They all laugh, but the guy insists that this is his occupation, and mentions that a gun is in his golf bag. He says that he carries it everywhere, and that they are welcome to take a look if they wish. Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and sure enough there is a rifle with a huge scope. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through this scope! May I look??" The hitman gives him the O.K. so Jack looks and says, "Yeah! I CAN see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom! There's my wife . . . but wait . . . what the heck is my next door neighbor doing with her in our bedroom!? . . . AND he's . . . NAKED!!! This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies that his fee is $1,000.00 every time he pulls the trigger. Jack decides that he will buy two hits. "I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the groin, just for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for??"

The hitman replies, "Relax . . . I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

[anna_66]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

:D

[ChrisH]

LOL :D :D good one Anna!

[Pam]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[anna_66]

LOL:D Good one Pam, thanks for the laugh this morning!

[anna_66]

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

[ChrisH]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter) Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Pam]

This just came in an e-mail and I thought I'd share - :) I am hoping that Kitty went in there willingly!

[ChrisH]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[DogMania]

I don't like this idea. It just takes up more room on the boards. Every single day i see it and i hate it i would just like to delete it alltogether...

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by Pam
...I am hoping that Kitty went in there willingly!

If he/she is anything like Cassy or Livvy, he/she did! My fur-kids LOVE boxes.

[anna_66]

Originally posted by DogMania
I don't like this idea. It just takes up more room on the boards. Every single day i see it and i hate it i would just like to delete it alltogether...
If you don't like it, just don't click on it, then you won't have to worry about it:)

[ellensy]

i luuuvvvv this thread hehe....:D

makes me laugh and smile all the time hehe :D

[Twisterdog]

I decided to read this thread today, having never looked at it before. I spend ALL evening reading these jokes ... TOOO funny! What a great thread! :D

If I could remember any jokes for longer than ten minutes, I'd add some ... but I guess I'll just have to be content with reading everyone elses!

Good job, everyone!! Very funny!!

DogMania, I can't believe you don't find this thread hilarious! Sheesh! If you don't like it, why do you open it and read it? :confused:

[anna_66]

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of
hunting season.

Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of
you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the
whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that
on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to
laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be
able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so
she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so
she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step,
she started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

[ellensy]

:D :D :D Funny one Anna66!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* I love that last blonde joke!! I'll try to remember it and tell it to my coworkers tomorrow! :D

[popcornbird]

Originally posted by DogMania
I don't like this idea. It just takes up more room on the boards. Every single day i see it and i hate it i would just like to delete it alltogether...

I don't think it takes a lot of room on the board. It appears just like any other thread but has lots of pages. You don't have to open it if you don't like it. Everyone seems to love it. This thread was made early summer and has been up for a long time, and its still always on the first page. That shows how much everyone is enjoying it. This is the last thread I would ever delete, so there's no hope in having it disappear. :rolleyes:

[Nomilynn]

>Christmas Party Notice
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 1
>RE: Christmas Party
>
>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
>carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
>no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty
>_______
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 2
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
>Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
>Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and
>your family. Patty
>________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 3
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
>anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
>since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a
>little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>_________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>To: All Employees
>DATE: December 7
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
>not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
>for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.
>Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
>cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty
>________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All #%&$ing Employees
>DATE: December 10
>RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
>
>Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
>#$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
>rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!! The B**ch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>________
>FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 14
>RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

OMG!!:eek:
*LOL* Nomilynn

[anna_66]

Originally posted by popcornbird
This is the last thread I would ever delete, so there's no hope in having it disappear. :rolleyes:
Good to hear:D I for one love it!

And Nomilyn, that was sooo funnyhttp://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/geno/rofl.gif

[anna_66]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[anna_66]

I thought this was appropriate since many of us are afraid of spiders;)
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021219.gif

[Pam]

Anna - great jokes. I love the one about Farmer Joe especially! LOL!

[delidog]

We Love This Thread!!!!!!!!
It is my stress relief after work!!!!
Keep it going!!!!!

Nomilyn, i love that one!!!!
I sent it to my Human resource director yesterday,as it was sent to me by a friend!!!!:D

[anna_66]

I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real
blast. After I'd been there a few hours(and several, several
drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.
She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde
hair down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway
she was built. The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and
smiling. Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like
they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I went over and stuck
up a conversation with her(don't remember about what, but it had
to be very interesting). Well one thing led to another and she
invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said
OK. I'm not going to go into all the details of the night(mainly
because I don't remember), but I awoke the next morning to the
aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is
great, I think I might have a keeper here. I got up and got
dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom
(looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove.
Embarrassed, I stammered where's your daughter? She slowly turned
around with a sly little smile on her face and said, I don't have
a daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021223.gif

[anna_66]

A little girl was reading a book with her grandfather, and every once in while she would touch her grandfather's wrinkly face and then touch her own. One time she ask him,” Grandpa, did God make you?" The old man replied,” Yes, he made me a long time ago.” The little girl questioned him again,” Grandpa, did God make me?" The old man again replied,” Yes, he did, not too long ago." The little girl then said,” God’s getting better at it isn't he?"

[gini]

Anna, you keep these comin' girl! They are the best!:) :)

[ChrisH]

Good ones Anna! :D :D Especially the Garfield one :D And the last one was such a sweet smiley one.:) Thanks.

Got one myself now. It justs reminds me of what I have been doing this afternoon/evening helping to put together a Captain Hook pirate ship for my grandaughter.

A Parents Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[anna_66]

Isn't this just the cutest?:D
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/12/cat24.gif

[ChrisH]

Awww...that IS cute, and funny too! :) :)

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021225.gif
GARFIELD'S 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (http://www.garfield.com/christmas/12days/index.html)

[AvaJoy]

LOVE the shopping kitty!! AND the parents' Xmas Eve poem, too!!

This one trips everyone up, but you have to do to someone in person: show them something white and ask "What color is this?" to which they will reply "white". Then ask them "What do cows drink?" and they will invariably reply "Milk!" which of course is wrong; cows drink water!!!:D

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :)

[ChrisH]

The 12 Rules of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

And finally... Be really good to everyone. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Positive Side of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Chris. These are too funny. :D

[Former User]

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

[Former User]

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Senator Bob Dole

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
- Al Gore

[Former User]

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

[Tanya&Fritz]

Casper & Kitty, those were great :D

[anna_66]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[anna_66]

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde who got an am radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blond say when she saw the sign in front of the "YMCA"?
Look, they spelled "MACY'S" wrong!
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call 5 blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?
"This goes in front."
What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
OH SO BLONDE!

[Tanya&Fritz]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy."

[Former User]

A Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." The boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[gini]

Oh my, let me see if I can remember how this joke goes..........

A lady decides to join the monastary. She is advised that she will not be allowed to speak - but only to silently pray.

After she has been in the monastary for five years the head Monk calls her into his office. He tells her that she can say two words.

She says "hard bed."

He is surprised, but says that he wasn't aware of this and would do something about it.

After ten years in the monstary she is called in again into the head Monk's office and once more she is allowed to speak two words.

She says "cold food."

The head monk again is shocked, but replies that he will look into it.

After fifteen years she is called upon once again and is given her two words.

She says "I quit."

The head Monk looks at her and says "you know, it is just as well, all you have done since you have been here is bitch."

[anna_66]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif
Those are great Niina & Gini!

[AmberLee]

The Perfect Dress
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

......Now what woman wouldn't like this story?!

[gini]

Pauline, what a great joke!! Now that my niece is happily married with no "dress" mishaps (or step-mother either), I will share this with her.

[anna_66]

A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes a seat
at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him.
"Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender. Then he turns to
his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

"You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like mine very
cold, please."

The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A
talking dog?" he asks.

"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing
special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started
talking."

"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks
to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for
him."

"No," says the ventriloquist. "The little fellow loves me very
much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK,
he's yours."

The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the
ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to the dog and
says with great sadness in his voice, "So long, old friend."

"Old friend, my foot!" the dog says. "Is this the way humans pay
for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"

With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

[anna_66]

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high, steep hill and they start going down it very fast. The guy driving says "Oh my god! The brakes don't work!" and the guy in the passenger seat says "don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

[AmberLee]

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But, unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[AmberLee]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators> would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

[AmberLee]

Bits of Wisdom

***************************
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

***************************

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

***************************

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

***************************
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

**************************

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[AmberLee]

You know you're living in the 02's when:

1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you THINK about forwarding it to your "friends".

[AmberLee]

Martha Stewart vs Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[anna_66]

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine
unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a
possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building
ajar.

He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and
seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the
building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and
backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

Then he noticed the sign on the building:

"Veterinarian's Office." :D

[ellensy]

hehehehe LOL Anna :D :D :D

[delidog]

> This is from maintenance logs of Qantas: Never let it be said that
ground
> > crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
> > maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action
recorded
> > by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never
> > had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the
> > log,and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> > S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on backorder.
> >
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane;
> > the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > P: Radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > S: Cat installed.
>

[Tanya&Fritz]

Originally posted by delidog
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


I can't stop laughing at this one!

[delidog]

it was the best i've seen in awhile!!!!!

hope that Miss Meow and Captain see it!!

[AmberLee]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

[delidog]

Amber Lee,
That is classic!!!!
I love it!!!!!

heres' a little blonde joke for you:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much
luckier
when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then
picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I
thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!



;) :)

[delidog]

>Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had
>several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight
>or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
>
>Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform
>well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took
>an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny
>bells and attached them to his roosters.
>
>Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell,
>from a distance, which rooster was performing.
>
>Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
>efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine
>specimen he was, too.
>
>But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that
>Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
>
>Zeb went to investigate.
>
>The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-
>ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
>would run for cover.
>
>BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his
>beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>do his job and walk on to the next one.
>
>Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the
>county fair.
>
>Brewster was an overnight sensation.
>
>The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize
>but also the Pulletsurprise.

[LoudLou]

COMPUTER HICK

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits tha farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in tha winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE; Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats tha grain in tha barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask.

[LoudLou]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ..
it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
SALVADOR DALI: Fish
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmm - Chicken

[delidog]

Mr. Louie!!!
You sure do find some Rib Ticklers!!!!;) :)

[AmberLee]

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL....

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.

[delidog]

Go AMber lee!!!!
You do find the best funnies,don't you?!?!?

[anna_66]

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away
when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a
mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The
office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's
yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come
on his own?":)

[AmberLee]

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (I can't even get anything going in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower.)

15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL AmberLee :D :D :D

[delidog]

Still Laughing!!!!
You are finding the Really good ones!!!:D :) ;)

[AmberLee]

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a big ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[ellensy]

:D:D:D What a Blonde!

[delidog]

;) :) :D

Blonde Laughing!!!!

[Randi]

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[anna_66]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003
Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonalds.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely
successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,
joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!

The following are this year's candidates:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering th! e
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

[anna_66]

Arkansas Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

[anna_66]

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer

[LoudLou]

The Top 9 Signs You're Spoiling Your Pet


9> The goldfish have limo service from their castle to their
sunken treasure.

8> You hire a Kitty Groomer? No problem.
Kitty Psychiatrist? Getting warmer.
Kitty Fluffer? Bingo.

7> Once a week, instead of plain ol' fish food sprinkled into the
tank, you treat them to a tablespoon of bacon grease.

6> Your cat is always nice to you.

5> You call in sick when she's asleep on your feet in the morning.

4> He refuses to mount the breeding bitch you bring in until you
warm her up for him.

3> You send him to a private obedience school. In Switzerland.

2> Begging at the dinner table is downright weird for a hamster.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Spoiling Your Pet...

1> You slam three pots of coffee every night because your cat
likes to sleep on a vibrating bed.

[LoudLou]

Talk to the paw
The Top 10 Cat Proverbs


10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to.

9. The world is your litter box.

8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with
a nap.

7. Look before you lick.

6. Pride goeth before ... you've got to be friggin' kidding me!

5. You scratch my back.

4. Strike while the feet are bare.

3. When in doubt, wash.

2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail.


and the Number 1 Cat Proverb...


1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when
they least expect it.

[LoudLou]

9. The Beagle of Happiness will sniff with delight at your butt.

8. Someone thinks you're the special.

7. The hand that throws the ball does not always let go of
the ball.

6. The lowly cricket is both good tasting and less filling.

5. Nine lives only useful if one is Cat or Buddhist.

4. The path to true enlightenment is at the end of your tail.

3. Marking territory should be your Number One priority.

2. Loose lips lose bones.


and the Number 1 Fortune Cookie Fortune for Pets...


1. A journey of a thousand miles begins with being put
in a crate.

[AmberLee]

:D :D :D ROTFLOL!!! These are CLASSIC! :D

[apcrs5122]

Originally posted by wolf_Q
I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...

This one cracked me up. :D

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double Damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

haha funny I love it!

[apcrs5122]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Young Lucas was so much in love with Lisa ; but as he knew her father was rather oldfashioned , he went to talk to him and ask permission to court his daughter ;
- "Mister Fairchild , I am proud to ask the hand of your daughter Lisa !"
- "What?" , shouted the man , "are you nuts" ???
- "May I politely ask what makes you say that, sir ??"
- "My daughter's hand , my daughter's hand ....:rolleyes: , if you want her , you will have two take the whole package : it's all or nothing !!!":rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D

Originally posted by apcrs5122
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.

woohoo , I was laughing for hours .... GOOD ONE !!

And , WELCOME TO PETTALK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Former User]

:D

[Former User]

this is cute

[Former User]

holy...:eek:

[Former User]

bad hairday? :D

[Former User]

:D :D

[AmberLee]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
===============================

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[AmberLee]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

[Cookiebaker]

Originally posted by AmberLee


"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

Ha ha ha!!! :D That is sooo funny!!!! :D

[ellensy]

:D that's funny

[LoudLou]

When the "Pet People" Take Over


10. "Excuse me -- could you not? My dog hates cell phones."

9. "I have you down for a table for three on Saturday night at
6:30. Will that be Shedding or Non-Shedding?"

8. Veterinary bills covered by Medicare.

7. With pooper scooper laws repealed, pedestrians start wearing plastic bags on their feet.

6. 100% of the newspaper comics devoted to cat/dog/penguin strips, up from the present 96%.

5. Cat hair on your lapel considered the ultimate fashion
statement.

4. Bob Levey's column replaced by photo-diary of Mr. Wiggles, the adorable Lhasa Apso.

3. Paid bereavement leave extended to pet-owning employees.

2. Mail carriers required to wear running shorts made of beef
jerky.


and the Number 1 Change That Will Come
When the "Pet People" Take Over...


1. "Who's a good Vice President? YOU ARE! Yes you ARE!"

[anna_66]

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the
country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were
a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were
standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck
approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to
offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The
driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his
tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug
out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He
said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into
the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their
gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped
and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think
it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:D
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/01/cook27.jpg

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Five birds were sitting on a telephone wire. The wind blew and swirled around them when the first little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly south." And, he hopped off the wire catching the breeze under his little wings. The second little bird gazed after his friend until he could not see him anymore. The wind blew and swirled around them and the second little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly

east." And, off the wire he came, grasping the wind under his wings. The three remaining little birds watched him fly away when the third little bird shouted, "My instincts tell me to fly west" and off he went into the air with a deafening squawk. The fourth little bird rustled his feathers together, preening the tip of his wings and looked up and said, "My instincts tell me to fly north" and off he flew. Several minutes later the last of the little birds (Who was a little hard of hearing) sat on the wire with the cool wind swirling about him and looked around and said "Hum! My end stinks, but it don't tell me where to go".

[Tanya&Fritz]

LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON

Dear Ma and Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none at all.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[Tanya&Fritz]

2002's Best (Actual) Headlines

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[gini]

Tanya&Fritz - those are excellent!!! They have me laughing out loud! Thanks!

[Tanya&Fritz]

An exhausted-looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

[delidog]

he "f" word

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use ... they are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton,
1999

 And ... drum roll .

 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin
Laden, 2001

[AvaJoy]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.


Man Says To God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God's Reply: "So you would love her."

Man: "But God, why then did you make her so dumb?"

God: "So she would love you."

[ellensy]

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica
to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the
three women who entered the race were a blonde, a
brunette, and a redhead. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the
worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why
it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
:D

[Edwina's Secretary]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Buffalo, NY, the snow capital of
> > the U.S.
> >
> > One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
> > announcer
> >
> > say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
> > park your
> >
> > car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
> >
> >
> > through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
> >
> >
> >
> > A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
> > says, "We
> >
> > are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> > the odd
> >
> > numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
> > Norman's wife
> >
> > goes out and moves her car again.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
> > announcer
> >
> > says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> >
> > park...........", then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife
> > says,
> >
> > "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just
> > leave it
> >
> > in the garage this time?"

[Edwina's Secretary]

READ VERY SLOWLY - IT SOMETIMES TAKES A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE BUT THEY ARE RATHER
CLEVER!!

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

And my favorite: Subdued ...like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

[Cincy'sMom]

A guy goes into a bar with his dog to watch the Detriot Lions game. Bartender tells him, sorry no dogs allowed. Guys begs him, "Please, man! My TV is broke and I am a HUGE Lions fan! I have to see the game" BArtender finally gives in the the man and his dog sit down at the bar. Detroit gets 1st down the dog is struting up and down the bar, giving hi-5's shakin hands. The crowd loves it! Bartender says" That's preety cool! What does he do when they score"

Guy relpies, "I don't know. I've only had the dog for 5 years!"

[AvaJoy]

On Christmans morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop replies, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[anna_66]

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."



There was a lady who had triplets. Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble. One day she told the boys to go buy her some milk from the store. They set off. When they got there the walked around looking for the dairy section. Somewhere along the line a big mob of people came and Trouble got lost. Shut Up and Be Quiet went to a police officer that was buying some bread.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Since Shut Up was not cooperating he asked Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: (really getting irritated) Are you guys looking for trouble?
Shut up and Be quiet: YES, YES, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

[Nomilynn]

Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She
would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for
dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided
to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he
really likes.

In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her
husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner,
it's there waiting.

[apcrs5122]

There was a man who wanted to get his wife something exotic for her birthday. He decided to get her a parrot as she had always wanted one. He went to the pet shop looking for one. He asked the employe if they had any parrots that talked. The employe showed him a beautiful makaw that sung songs when a lit matche was placed under either foot. He decided to buy it. As soon as the wife saw it she fell in love."But wait, it does tricks!" the man exclaimed. He took a match and lit it and placed it under the bird's left foot. It started to sing "Jingle Bells". He moved the match to the right foot and the bird started singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Finally he took the match and put it between the birds legs. The bird sang "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire".

[anna_66]

Kids Advice on Love and Marriage

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE
TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom." (Judy, 8)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and a VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding.' (Darby,7)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE
TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE
IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS
OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS
ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES
NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE
A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo,9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO
ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO
KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)

[Cookiebaker]

There were 3 men who immigrated to the US. They got off the boat and each set out to learn English.

The first guy goes into a music store and he learns to say "me me me meeeee"

The second guy goes into a silver store and learns to say "forks & knives, forks& knives, forks & knives"

And the third guy goes into the candy store and learns to say "goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

So they meet together at the end of the day and are walking down the street, when they come to a dead man laying in the road. They are horrified!

All of a sudden, a police officer comes running up. "Who killed this man?"

The first man says, "me me me me me"

The cops shouts "What did you kill him with?"

The second man says, "forks & knives, forks & knives, forks & knives."

The cop couldn't believe that they were so blatant about it, so he said, "You know you have to go to jail for this, don't you?"

The third man replies, "Goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

:rolleyes: :D

[Tanya&Fritz]

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[AmberLee]

MONEY





It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy you Blood............But not Life

It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Thought this was gonna be one of those

"inspirational" ones, didn't you????


:eek: :p :D ;) :p

[ChrisH]

:D :D :D :D :D

[anna_66]

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. ! "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

:D

[Tanya&Fritz]

EIGHTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN
By: Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

[Edwina's Secretary]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.


As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Tanya&Fritz]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is
classic :

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the............pigs.
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.............................not much.
Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than............................pregnant!!!

[RockyRoad]

Well there is a topic about Michael Jackson going around, so I've got a M.J. joke for ya.

Once a little boy asked his father about God. He said, "Dad, is God black or white?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Is God a woman or a man?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"

LOL!

**Of course sorry if I offended anyone in any way with this joke, I thought it was pretty funny.**

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030219.gif
I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota:p so I think it is! It's Bismarck.

[RICHARD]

two guys are on their way to vegas.
the passenger tells the driver he has to go potty.
the driver tell him he must wait- the rest stop is ten miles
down the road.
a few minutes later the passenger, again, states he has to go potty.......

number 1 or two?

"number 2', the says......

"you can't wait?", NO I CAN'T WAIT!!

the driver spies the only tree in the desert.......he pulls over and tells the passenger to run out to the tree and take care of business....the passenger opens the door, walks about 15 feet, turns around and tells the driver, "i have no toilet paper..."
the driver tells the passenger that he has no paper either....that he may want to use a dollar.

the passenger thinks a second and goes on his way...

a few minutes later the passenger appears from behind the tree
vigorously waving his hand as he walks up to the car..

when he reaches the car the driver notices that the passenger's
hand is soiled. the driver then asks him "what happened? your hand is dirty!!!!!, i thought i told you to use a dollar?"

the passenger says, "i did! the first three quarters worked, but when i got to the dimes and nickel......."

[AvaJoy]

Originally posted by anna_66
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030219.gif
I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota:p so I think it is! It's Bismarck.

Anna, I laughed out loud at work today when I read this comic! And I know nothing about the Dakotas, except that they are cold! ;) Gotta be a classic Garfield!

[ChrisH]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

[RICHARD]

Rockin' Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said
the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

[RICHARD]

jon gruden, tampa bay coach, stumbles into a bar.

he's very drunk and the other patron's notice him quite quickly.

as he begins to interact with the patrons on either side of the
stool he's sitting on a voice from the back yells, "jon, where are your buccaneers?"

jon stares into space for a moment and yells back, "on the sides of my buckin' head..."

[anna_66]

:D Good ones Richard!!

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030222.gif

[anna_66]

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed
like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to
embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting
school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

[RICHARD]

waiting for an elevator with a doctor one day, at duke university......
we start to exchange pleasantries when the doors to the
elevator open, the doctor, who's closest to the door,
sticks his head between the closing doors....
we enter the cab and the doctor asked me where i'm going.
i tell him the floor number and after a few seconds of silence, ask him why he stuck his head between the closing doors....


"i need my hands to operate......"

[RICHARD]

two women on a jet begin to chat about their travels.
the first woman is absolutely tickled when she finds out
her seat mate is from california....
she begins to compliment her on the state, it's people and the towns.
the second woman asks her where in the state she's been.

"all over- but i LOVED san joe say!!"

the california women chuckles and says, "you mean san jose....
in california we pronounce the letter 'j' as an 'h'....."
she then asks when she visited san jose....

the first women thinks for a moment and says "Hune and Huly of last year......"

[RICHARD]

two rubes go to their first pro sports event........a football game..

when they come back into town the people are curious about their adventure........

the first question is, 'How did you like it?"

the first rube says, 'seems like an awful lot of trouble for 25 cents."

'what do you mean?, ' a second person asks...

"everyone kept yelling, GET THE QUARTER BACK!"

[Kfamr]

Got this is the mail.... Sorry if it was posted

> > FIRST DEGREE
> >
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> > at 2 in the morning.
> > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
> > phone, listened a moment
> > and
> > said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
> > here!" and hung up.
> >
> > The husband said, "Who was that?"
> > The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting
> > to know if the coast
> > Is
> > clear."
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One
> > notices a compact on the
> > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
> > it, looks in the
> > mirror
> > and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> > The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So
> > the first blonde hands
> > her
> > the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
> > and says, "You dummy,
> > it's me!"
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
> > her, so she goes out
> > and
> > buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> > unexpectedly and when she opens
> > the
> > door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
> > Well, the blonde is
> > really
> > angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
> > and as she does so,
> > she
> > is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
> > puts it to her head. The
> > boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
> > The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
> > state capitals. She
> > proudly
> > says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
> > A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
> > Wisconsin?"
> > The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
> > her she was pregnant?
> > "Is it mine?"
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
> > freshman, sat in her US
> > government class. The professor asked Bambi if
> > she knew what Roe vs.
> > Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
> > finally said, "That
> > was
> > the decision George Washington had to make
> > before he crossed the
> > Delaware."
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
> > to find her house
> > ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
> > police at once and
> > reported
> > the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the
> > call on the radio, and
> > a
> > K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to
> > respond. As the K-9
> > officer
> > approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> > the blonde ran out on
> > the
> > porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> > dog, then sat down on
> > the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> > moaned, "I come home to
> > find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> > police for help, and what
> > do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

A farmer orders his workers to clean out the big "toilet-reservoir" . So they start emptying it with buckets.
Suddenly Louis sees that his jackets falls into the mess. He stops working and tries to catch his jacket.
"Hey , Louis , leave it there ! You know you can never wear that jacket again !!!"
"Yep , I know," says Louis , "but my sandwiches for lunch are still in my pocket !!!"

[anna_66]

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing
your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[RICHARD]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all
of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he said to his wife, "now listen, when I die , I want you to take
all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my
money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart
that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box
and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Lady, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money
in there with that man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account and I wrote him a check."

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Golden Phones

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very
large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas,
lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches
the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."



LMMFAO!!!!!


does god still watch the cowboys thru the hole in the roof of texas stadium???

[Tanya&Fritz]

Little Tommy Can't Find The Bathroom

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

[anna_66]

Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break
all sales records with his "like new" models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free
With Each Car."

A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot
with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into
the country. He parked, gave her a couple of
preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her
ear.

She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that
when you bought this car."

[anna_66]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030302.gif


Kids Pray

I love kids letters about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer.
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this
prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I
could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and
forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good
laugh over this and the memory still remains in my heart.

Groton, Mass.
My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary,full of
grapes."

Missoula, Mont.
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,who art in
Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio.
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly
bread."

Oak Harbor, Wash.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

Grand Junction, Colo.
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into
temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble.



During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologise for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's
okay. We like big boobs."

[ChrisH]

:D :D :D
Oh, Anna, those are all so funny! Thanks!

Chris

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030303.gif:D :D

[anna_66]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry
voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his
neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have
a dog."

[gini]

Anna, your joke reminded me of a personal story. We were vacationing and staying in a Condo. Someone kept calling us at 1 AM - 2 AM and on.......saying our television was too loud.

Each time, we were sound asleep. I sure wish I would have seen your joke then. I would have done exactly that!!

[anna_66]

Glad you liked it:)

[AvaJoy]

Barking Dog was a great one, Anna!:D

[popcornbird]

Bump :p

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030306.gif

[Cincy'sMom]

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We
are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And
the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was
pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And
God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was
happy.

And Cat didn't give a s*&t one way or the other.

[anna_66]

That was a good one Amy:D

[Steffi N]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word taken down
and published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo of the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So he had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[popcornbird]

A blind man with very large feet goes shoe shopping with his servant. He enters the store and begins to try on every shoe, but none would fit. As he searched and searched, his servant walks down the aisle to see if he could find any larger shoe. All of a sudden, he hears the blind man call to him. "Dear servant, come quick! I found the perfect shoe that FITS!!!!" The servant comes running, overwhelmed with joy. As he looks at the blind man's "new shoes" a frown forms on his face. "How do you like them?" the blind man asks. "Sir," said the servant. "You are wearing a shoe box."

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I had to translate this joke. It was in an Urdu magazine! I found it funny. LOL Hope I did ok. :p

[RICHARD]

At The Pub...

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a
pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[anna_66]

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace."
Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Doctor , I cannot sleap at night. Everytime I hear one single noise , I am all awake! I'm thinking here about our neighbours' cat!!

This powder will help you and solve your problem lady!

And when precisely do I have to take it?

You don't!! Mix it with milk and give it to the cat , and you won't hear anything that night!!!

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.

A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"

[anna_66]

I'm planning to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the
second day, I have no idea.:D

[RICHARD]

at a news conference an iraqi journalist made it a point
to tell Colin Powell that 'only 13% of americans could find Iraq
on a map...'

Powell's answer (paraphrased here) was,
"unlucky for you those 13% are United States Marines..."

[Dakota's Mommy]

Yes, I've heard that one and I love it!

[delidog]

Here are some classic questions that were actually asked of the Sydney
> Olympic Committee via their Web site.
> And some answers that we thought would be appropriate.
>
>
> 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
> so how do the plants grow? (UK)
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
> die.
>
> 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> A: Depends how much you've been drinking
>
> 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
> tracks? (Sweden)
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
>
> 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>
> 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
> contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
> A: Let's not touch this one.
>
> 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
> list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
> A: What did your last slave die of?
>
> 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
> (USA)
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
> not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
> Cross. Come naked.
>
> 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
> A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
> 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
> 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday
> night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
> 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
> A: No, WE don't stink.
>
> 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
> tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
> 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
> A: You are a British politician, right?
>
> 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
> is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
> A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>
> 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> A: Only at Christmas.
>
> 16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
> A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
>
> 17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
> round? (Germany)
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
> illegal.
>
> 18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
> Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
> good pets.
>
> 19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
> its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
> trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
> them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walki

[anna_66]

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to
make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but
he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional,
can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the
parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint
vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I
thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his
boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that
my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a
fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first one to go to him in confession."

[ChrisH]

Toilet Talk

I was driving along the interstate when I decided to stop at a comfort station.

The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi. How are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."

Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird, so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back later. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you!"

[Jessica12345]

OMG chrisH! LOL thats to funny:D

[anna_66]

:Dhttp://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030317.gif

[anna_66]

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him,"Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike, Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot,are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030321.gif

[anna_66]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/03/sniff18.jpg http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/03/bedbuddies19.jpg

[ChrisH]

LoL, Anna, love the garfield one!!:D :D

Chris

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga030323.gif

[Pam]

Anna that looks like my bed any given morning! :)

[anna_66]

I thought it might look like alot of pettalkers beds:D

[Pam]

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[anna_66]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

[ChrisH]

:D :D :D :D :D :D good one!!

[ChrisH]

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from
the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake
of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate
is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

[anna_66]

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

[Miss Meow]

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Miss Meow]

Housing Association Complaints

Some allegedly _genuine complaints_with a public housing association in the UK.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

And he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
_
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
_
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
_
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.__ Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

_I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
_

[Former User]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Former User]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Former User]

Three rats are sitting at the bar bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

About to marry a 25 yr. old, an 85 yr. old man went
to a marriage counselor and asked how he might keep his
prospective bride happy. The counselor advised:
"I think you should take in a youthful Boarder."

Months later, the old gent returned to the counselor
and reported that his new bride was pregnant.
"I see you took my advice," said the counselor, chuckling.
"Yep," said the old man, "and she's pregnant, too."

[anna_66]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90:p

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by Miss Meow
Housing Association Complaints



And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.


_



what about the splinters on his-

oh forget it.

:rolleyes:

[captain]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE ! ! EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

[captain]

adding to ChrisH Chocolate tidbits

If you drink a Diet softdrink, whilst eating chocolate - the diet softdrink cancels all the calories in the chocolate

[captain]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which
by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello... We're down here..."

Sorry :) to all the men on the PT board ....:rolleyes:

[anna_66]

Cute Captain;)

We Must Stop This Immediately!
>
>
> Have you ever noticed that when you're of a
> certain age, everything seems uphill from where you
> are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And,
> everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to
> the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how
> long our street had become!
>
> And, you know, people are less considerate now,
> especially the young ones. They speak in whispers
> all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
> keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the
> same silent message until they're red in the face!
> What do they think I am, a lip reader?
>
> I also think they are much younger than I was at
> the same age. On the other hand, people my own age
> are so much older than I am. I ran into an old
> friend the other day and she has aged so much that
> she didn't even recognize me.
>
> I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was
> combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I
> glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW.
> Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
>
> Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
> You're risking life and limb if you just happen to
> pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can
> say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
> way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view
> mirror.
>
> Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these
> days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a
> size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no
> one notices that these things no longer fit around
> the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
>
> The people who make bathroom scales are pulling
> the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I
> actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
> HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just
> who do these people think they're fooling?
>
> I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
> what's going on -- but the telephone company is in
> on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone
> books in such small type that no one could ever find
> a number in here!
>
> All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity
> is under attack! Unless something drastic happens,
> pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these
> awful indignities.
>
> PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON
> AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
>
> PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font
> size, because something has caused fonts to be
> smaller than they once were too!
> Dorothy

[Former User]

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Former User]

Reasons to stay at work all night:

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

[Former User]

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web:

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by captain


Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello... We're down here..."

Sorry :) to all the men on the PT board ....:rolleyes:



as if we didn't know about the empty space between our ears.....

[Tanya&Fritz]

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened "Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

[captain]

THE RULES

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules :

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair – ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by that time you’re stuck with her.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work; obvious hints do not work; strong hints do not work. Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes at the most. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which – out of thirty pairs – would look good with your dress?

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See your doctor.

Check your oil – please!

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us: we refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done; not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus and Captain Cook did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends about it.

All men see in only 16 colours, like Microsoft default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine – really!

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

It is neither in your best interests or ours to take a quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but we really don’t mind that: it’s like camping.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Exercise for Boomers

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!

Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

[Tanya&Fritz]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little
house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

[anna_66]

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor
covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and
refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was
done... As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put
the heavy appliances back in place. The two men demanded $45 for
this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had
no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the
doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my
car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45.

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Cat, The Mice, And Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where
he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is
any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please
let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden
floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful,
fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful
new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On
Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"