joke thread

[RockyRoad]

Thanks for the redneck jokes!! I really love them!! I want to print them all out and show them to my friends at work, but it's like 400 pages!! Wow:eek: :eek: .

[anna_66]

You know you could copy & paste them into notepad or wordpad & make the font any size you want, then it wouldn't be so many pages:)

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great pics Niina. :D

[RockyRoad]

Yeah, I'm going to do that. It would be really cool to take to school! I printed out a few, and my friends loved it!

[ChrisH]

Had a couple of funnys in my e-mail today.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"

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Professionalism Test

Read this out loud as fast as you can:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

[ChrisH]

Okay just found two more!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends, a burly ranch foreman clad in a battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing my husband a white paper bag. "I'm delivering Avon!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[lovemymaltese]

lol, that's too funny. I think that I may have seen one like that before, somethings are different though.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny. :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are in it.



;)

[anna_66]

- Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

- Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

- Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

- Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

- Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

- Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[lovemymaltese]

lol, that was a good one!

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[lovemymaltese]

frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions.
"Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?"

She told me and immediately continued asking questions.

"What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked.

"Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up

[lovemymaltese]

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[lovemymaltese]

The Great Wizard of Oz

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

[anna_66]

:D LOL! That was a good one!!

[lovemymaltese]

While attending US Army's Airborne School..... Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Ariborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"

"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"

Gulp.

[lovemymaltese]

I recently bought one of those large watertight camera cases. The thing is solid as a tank and is designed to be air-dropped in the jungle, etc. It comes with a lifetime warranty with the following proviso:

"This warranty excludes damage caused by sharkbite, bear attack, or children under 5."

[ChrisH]

Lol :D :D

[lovemymaltese]

children can be so destructive, but we still love them. Ha!

[ChrisH]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

[anna_66]

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

[ChrisH]

Lol So funny, and so true!:D :D :D

[Former User]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Former User]

An old lady called up the police department and got a policeman sent to her address. She told him, "Officer, there's a man exposing himself in the building next to mine!"
The concerned officer said, "Where is he, lady?"
"Right over there! He's still shamelessly baring himself!"
The officer couldn't tell where she was pointing. "I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."

The old lady pulled him over to her window. "Oh, you have to look through this telescope."

[Former User]

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

[lovemymaltese]

lol I love it, the first garde proverbs thing was hilarious.

[ellensy]

LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! :D :D im laughing my head off right at the computer!

[lovemymaltese]

Aspire To Greatness

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer...

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[lovemymaltese]

A Beautiful Wife

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests
in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[lovemymaltese]

Three Wishes

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant
them!"

Her mom first asked for world peace.

Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.

Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll
need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Tanya&Fritz]

See attached.

[Former User]

Originally posted by ellensy
LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! :D :D im laughing my head off right at the computer!

Yes, you spelled my name right :) and I'm glad you liked the jokes

[lovemymaltese]

that was a cute cartoon, thanks for sharing!

[lovemymaltese]

thought this cartoon was funny, check it out.

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[anna_66]

A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was
preparing dinner. His wife dropped a spoon and bent
over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said,
"Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking
with no comment to her husband. As she put the dinner
on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.
While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said,
"Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two
combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and
begins eating with any comment to her husband. Later
on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer
started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his
wife he noticed that there was no response on her end.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what
was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to
fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one
LITTLE corn cob???

[Former User]

A person who speaks three languages is called "tri-lingual," and a person who speaks two languages is called "bi-lingual," but what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

American!

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[Former User]

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

[Former User]

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone
-------------------------------------------------------

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[Former User]

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

[Former User]

:rolleyes:

[gini]

Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!

[Former User]

Originally posted by gini
Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!

You know, that's what I saw first, those funny slippers! They're great! :D

[ellensy]

LOL funny cartoon!

[gini]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themsleves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tell them

"The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"

"Um -- I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.......

"Liver alone, Cheese mine"

[ellensy]

It was raining heavily the day my friend Andy drove to a client's store to arrange a display. Next to the shop's entrance, he noticed a car with its driver ready to back out of the parking spot. He decided to wait so he could take her place.

After ten minutes, however, he got a little impatient and tapped on the horn. The car still didn't move, and Andy finally drove to a spot much farther away. As he slogged passed the car on his way to the store, he scowled at the driver -- and was met by the blank stare of a German Shepherd sitting in the driver's seat!!!
:D

[lovemymaltese]

cute one!:D :D

[AmberLee]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his painting that were on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful," exclaimed the artist, "What could be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[lovemymaltese]

lol :) :D :) :D

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[ChrisH]

Delivering Lunch

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[RockyRoad]

Ok, I got one, but no offense to the blondes!!

A red-head walks into an Adult Novelties store and says to the man behind the counter, How much for that pink blouse? The man says, $25. She buys it and leaves. A brunnette walks in and says, How much for that purple blouse? The man says, $50. She buys it and leaves. Then a blonde comes in and stares up at the shelf, Ooooh, she says, How much for that shiny-silver blouse? The man says, $100 she buys it and leaves. Later the man's business partner returns and asked how things went, his partner replies, I sold a pink blouse for $25, a purple for $50, and your Coffee Thermos for $100!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[ChrisH]

Kitchen Signs

I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

[FloppsyLadySally54]

LoL these are too good!!

[lovemymaltese]

lol :)

[anna_66]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

[ellensy]

bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!! :D

[ChrisH]

LoL. Anna, that is so funny! :D :D :D

[lovemymaltese]

run like crazy....too funny!

[AmberLee]

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

.................................................. .....

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

.................................................. .....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

.................................................. .....
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[AmberLee]

OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

17. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[AmberLee]

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

[anna_66]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[lovemymaltese]

I loved that one about observations on life, what a trip! :) lol

[AmberLee]

Q: What does an athiest say during sex?
A: Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!!




Q: What's 200 feet long and has six teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny. :D :D :D

[anna_66]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

:D :D :D

[ChrisH]

The Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"

[AmberLee]

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"What's it for?" one asked.

"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."

[AmberLee]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021006.gif

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[anna_66]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!


Sound like anyone you know:rolleyes:

[AmberLee]

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she shouts "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord! -Not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

Doesn't that brighten up your day!?

[anna_66]

SEND SOMEONE OVER QUICKLY!" THE OLD WOMAN SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE.
"TWO NAKED BIKERS ARE CLIMBING UP TOWARD MY BEDROOM WINDOW."
"THIS IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, LADY," THE VOICE REPLIED. "I'LL HAVE TO TRANSFER YOU TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT."
"NO, IT'S YOU I WANT," SHE YELLED. "THEY NEED A LONGER LADDER!"

[ChrisH]

LOL :D :D :D :D
Anna & Amberlee, those are just so funny. Thanks.:)

[lovemymaltese]

Garfield is my favorite thanks for sharing! :)

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone! Too funny. :D :D

[anna_66]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith on Hwy#1...
he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Well, we thank you very much for the tip-off call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left shaking their heads.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

[lovemymaltese]

Words that should exist . . .


ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[lovemymaltese]

How Much Is That Barbie In the Window?
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mail and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager

"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

[lovemymaltese]

The hearing aid joke is absolutely hilarious, I just loved it. LOL! Thanks so much for sharing, brought a great smile to my face. :) :)

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL This is too funny. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet:D :D :D

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
...PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet...

I didn't realize how blase I'd become about dressing/personal hygiene in front of my cats until my young niece visited last time. She was in the bathroom and called me in a panic to remove the cats so that she could function there: they were staring at her and it was freaking her out! Poor darling -- it does take a bit of a leap at first. :D :eek: :o

>^o_o^< <-- woo-hoo! staring cat!!

[anna_66]

This is a good one:D

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[ellensy]

LOL!!!:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Anna :D :D BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture. :)

[ChrisH]

Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

[anna_66]

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
LOL Anna :D :D BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture. :)

Thanks! I just love Halloween!

[Cookiebaker]

Originally posted by anna_66
This is a good one:D

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

I've heard an ending to that story...it goes like this..

The young man sputtered, "but she's not my mother"
The clerk says "You DID call her your mother didn't you" to which the young man says "umm yes but no but nothing!" before leaving the line and dashing out of the store. He runs out into the parking lot where the lady is just about to pull out. He yanks open the door, shouting at the poor old lady. Everybody in the parking lot started to stare in horror as he starts pulling the lady out of the car. He's pulling her arms...her legs...harder and harder he pull on her leg...just like I'm pulling on yours!

[Former User]

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

[Former User]

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

[Former User]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

[Former User]

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[anna_66]

Those were good Niina, expecially the last one!

LOL, Anna, I liked thathttp://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/Bizkit/sweat.gif

[Cookiebaker]

In the mid-1930's there was a poor family named Dunn living in Ireland. The famine was very bad and they were just barely having enough to sustain. The cold & dark winter was coming and they only saw one way to make a go of it. That was to send the oldest lad to America, land of the free & home to the brave. The Mother, of course, was devastated.
"Aw me lad, you will take care? Here take this warm vest and blanket if you should get cold. And here is the last 5 potatoes, take them for your long journey. And you will write to your poor old mother, won't ye? Let us know how you do be faring?"
"yes, yes, mother, to be sure!"
So the lad starts on his long journey first by foot and then by boat. Many weeks later they arrive in New York Harbor. He takes off looking for work and after a letter or two, forgets about his poor family back in Ireland.

Many months later, a neighbor of the poor family is also ready to leave for America to find his fortune. So Mrs. Dunn went over to say goodbye and send some good luck wishes. And she says to him,
"You are going to America just like my oldest lad. Would you do me a favor?"
"Of course, ma'am."
"When you go to America, find Connecticut. And in Connecticut, find a wee white house, and you tell my boy to write to his mother."
"Yes, Yes I will remember"

So this lad takes the long trek to America, and eventually lands in New York. He's amazed by the masses of people, the filth, and after a while finds a bus. He climbs on board and says,
"I want to go to Connecticut"
"Very well", said the bus driver
They go a few blocks, and the lad runs to the front of the bus.
"Are we in Connecticut yet?"
"No, no. I will tell you when we get to Connecticut."
He does this two more times. Finally the bus driver tells him to sit down & shut up or he will get thrown off the bus. So he sits down & contents himself with looking out the window.

After a couple of hours, he sees the sign that says "Welcome to Connecticut". He runs to the front of the bus and says "let me off, let me off! We're in Connecticut!"
The bus driver replies, "yes but where in Connecticut would you like to go, New Haven?"
"No, no, right here!"
So the bus driver lets him off, unloads his suitcases and leaves him in the middle of nowhere.

So the lad starts walking. After a little while he comes to a gas station. He goes up to the owner of the gas station and says
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the wee white house is?"
The owner gives him a strange look, and says "around the back of the building".
So he runs to the back of the building and sure enough there was a wee white house. He pounds on the door.
"Just a minute! Just a minute!"
After a moment a man comes to the door, zipping up his pants. Breathless, the young man says, "Are you Dunn?"
"Y-y-y-yes" he stuttered.
"Then write to your mother!"

[anna_66]

LOL:D


Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman was driving back to his car, he saw the other two professors on the floor in the back seat...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 166."

[Logan]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[ChrisH]

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

[ellensy]

http://jagandcompany.homestead.com/files/Smilies/spin2.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone :D :D

[FloppsyLadySally54]

Lol guys keep it up!!!

[Randi]

Getting a Job at the Zoo!

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him
into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.

So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws
larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires
of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the next
cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.

Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the
lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Randi that was a good one. :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."


I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10

Home is where the house is.
--Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15

* * * * * * *
{Apparently I have a very sick mind. I chortled and snorted through this like nobody's business! ...imagine HOW serene...}

[krazyaboutkatz]

Good one AmberLee. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Tanya&Fritz]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[anna_66]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[Cookiebaker]

:D That joke is so funny, Anna!! :D

[ellensy]

LOL LOL :D

[Former User]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[Cookiebaker]

my favorite blondies joke:

How do you drown a blonde??
Paste a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool! :D

[gini]

And beautiful black Casper says in his photo..........

WHAT IS THIS THING????

[Former User]

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

[Former User]

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear... :rolleyes:

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Q-What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
> on
> the ground?
> A- Shoot him again.
>
>
> Q-Why do little boys whine?
> A-They're practicing to be men.
>
>
> Q-How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> A- One-he just holds it up there and wait for the world to revolve around
> him.
> Or Alternate answer-Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
> to
> him brag about the screwing part.
>
>
> Q What do you call a handcuffed man?
> A- Trustworthy.
>
>
> Q- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
> calling your name?
> A- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
>
>
> Q- Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> A- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
>
>
> Q- What's the best way to kill a man?
> A- Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose
> just one.
>
>> Q- Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
> A- Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>
>
> > Q- How does a man keep his youth?
> A- By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.
>
>
> Q- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A- Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

[ellensy]

too funny hehe :eek: :D

[anna_66]

http://www.1-2-3-gaestebuch.de/smilies/146.gif Too funny guys! You had me cracking up!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone :D :D Here are a few good blonde jokes.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius."


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
In Front"

[anna_66]

:D Those were great blonde jokes!

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D

[ChrisH]

Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

[anna_66]

:D LOL!

[Pam]

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[ChrisH]

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gfit. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistenlty saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, but the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

[AmberLee]

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, what's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, Does she still have the hiccups?

[Former User]

AmberLee, that's a good one! http://users.telenet.be/eforum/emoticons/happy/023.gif http://users.telenet.be/eforum/emoticons/happy/023.gif

[Former User]

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

"Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

[Former User]

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.


I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
~Jay Leno

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[Cookiebaker]

(I love this joke because my hubby is a red-head!)

There was a red-headed girl who went to the Dr., and complained that whenever she touched herself it hurt like crazy.
"See Dr., I touch my elbow and it hurts! and the back of my neck, OW! and my knee, yeouch!"
The Doctor replies, "You aren't really a redhead, are you."
"N-n-n-o, I'm really a blonde, but I dyed it red."
"I THOUGHT so, you have a broken finger!"

[Cookiebaker]

(And another one...)

There was a guy in his kitchen swatting flies. They were buzzing all over and driving his wife crazy. After a few minutes she comes into the kitchen, and whines "You haven't even killed one fly yet. What is wrong with you??"
"I have killed 5 flies, thankyou very much, three of which were males and two were females."
"And Just HOW can you the sex on those tiny critters especially after they have been squished??"
"Ah Easy!", the husband replies. "Circumstancial evidence--3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone.

[ChrisH]

Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[Randi]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine--"la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine--"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[ChrisH]

LOL :D :D :D

[AvaJoy]

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would now have $16.50 left.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

However, if you had bought $1000.00 worth or Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle! :)

[AvaJoy]

This isn't the greatest joke around, but since Halloween is coming it befits the season:

Two bats were hanging out in their cave one evening.

One bat said to the other that he was really craving some blood, so he flew out of the cave in search of a victim.

About an hour later he returned, blood still dripping from his mouth. Now hungry himself, the other bat asked him where he had found all that blood, and he replied, "OK . . . you know how when you leave the cave and you see that tree on the left? Well . . . I didn't!"

[AmberLee]

The young son of a doctor is playing in his father's office with a friend while the physician is seeing patients in the examining rooms. At one point, the son opens a closet door and shows his friend an articulated skeleton.

The other boy wants to play with it, but the doctor's son tells him they can't touch it.

"My dad would be angry if anything happened to that skeleton," he says. "He's really proud of it."

"Is he?" asks the friend. "Why?"

"I don't know," the doctor's son answers. "Maybe it was his first patient."

[AmberLee]

*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?


*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!


*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.


*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.


*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?


*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.


*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.


*The buck doesn't even slow down here!


*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.


*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.


*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!


*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.


*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!


*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.


*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.


*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.


*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.


*We do precision guesswork.


*A penny saved is a government oversight.

[Nomilynn]

AmberLee those are great.. I'm going to send those to my dad he will really like them!! :D

[anna_66]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[ChrisH]

Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have
no holidays. Henny Youngman

[Nomilynn]

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's
forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Halloween story from a little town in New Mexico





This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, with
out
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very
slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of
shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying hysterically
and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same
cantina and one said to the other........

"Mira, Pedro, that's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were
pu
shing it!"


Happy Halloween!!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* KrazyaboutKats! That's GREAT!!! :D

[anna_66]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Miss Meow]

I hope these haven't been posted before

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid36/p3f1d435c2e2e6674620347e4bf892cb5/fd2270b5.jpg

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid36/pb86ca9573fb078675f306b1c48a765d9/fd2270b7.jpg

[krazyaboutkatz]

Those cat pics are great Nicole. :) I've never seen them before.

[ellensy]

cool cat pics!!! :D

[anna_66]

A school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lipprints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


Two voters from Palm Beach County FL were hangin' out.

One said to the ther "hey, lets go for a walk."

The other replied, "can't, I'm already chewing gum".


On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s, May I take your order?”

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their
teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

[ellensy]

LOL!!! I like the "click"! :D

[ChrisH]

Two Types of Drivers

There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.

[anna_66]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me
while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be
there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can
get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting
mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and says
Sever: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.
Server: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."
Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM
IN HERE." [My emphasis]
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it
was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take *those* either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you *know* why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]
Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Security: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other
thing he has is a fifty."
Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Security: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're
trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Security: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said
Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in
his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."
Security: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot,
and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free
and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.
Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free
food.

[Randi]

United Nations Strike Force....

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a
combined strike force with troops from several nations included
in it.

Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined
force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the
beach.........

The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory
now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the
English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a
sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and
Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until
someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you
ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll
celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians
as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales
for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it
away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the
English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the
English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their
dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General
Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab
her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is
Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas
station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D

[ChrisH]

LOL these are so funny! Anna, your $2 bill story, I could just picture it all, had me laughin tears! Thanks for sharing.

[lynnestankard]

Me too LOL Anna - I'd have loved to have seen that shop managers face!!

Lynne

[ChrisH]

Blonde Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cure

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home andtake a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Staff Descriptions

Outgoing Personality………Always going out of the office

Good Communication Skills………Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee………Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified………Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority………Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially………Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially………Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker………Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinker………Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker………Won't make a decision

Aggressive………Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs………Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well………Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail………A nitpicker

Has Leadership Qualities………Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment………Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor………Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career-Minded………Back Stabber

Loyal………Can't get a job anywhere else

[AmberLee]

HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton:
Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone!!:D I love those AmberLee!!:D :D

[anna_66]

This was my first laugh of the day! Hope it makes you laugh as well :D
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021027.gif

[gini]

I just adore Garfield! Thanks!


Blonde to a long distance telephone operator.........

Blonde: "Can you tell me the time difference between Las Vegas and Taiwan?"

Operator: "just a minute.........."

Blonde: "Thank You" .....and with that she hung up.

[ellensy]

Hahaha, just a minute!!! :D

[ChrisH]

Model Dental Patient

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!:D :D

[Miss Meow]

Loved the blonde one Gini!


A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

[anna_66]

OMG Miss Meow! That was awesomehttp://www.plaudersmilies.de/rofl.gif

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif Nicole. That was great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[AmberLee]

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

Because he's always goblin





Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

In the casketeria.




What do you call serious rocks?

Gravestones.






Why did the witch stand in front of an audience?

She had to give a screech






What is a witch with poison ivy called?

An itchy witchy.







Why wasn't the vampire working?

He was on his coffin break






Why was the zombie so grumpy?

She woke up too early in the mourning.






What does a sorceress wear?

A bewitching outfit.







Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"







What's a ghosts favorite fruit?

Booberries







Why did the black cat cross the road?

To catch up with the chicken.







When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone.

[anna_66]

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

[ChrisH]

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."

"But this is my guide dog," says the man.

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

[Nomilynn]

Church bulletin bloopers...


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre
gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D :D

[delidog]

Subject: Blonde Cowboy
> >
> > The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and
> > sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with
> > nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
> > so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
> >
> > As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks "Why in the
> > world are you dressed like this?"
> >
> > The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...
> > I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red
> > head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.
> > We go inside and she pulls off her top
> > and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did.
> >
> > Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...
> > so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
> > shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
>sexy
> > and says, "Now go to town cowboy...
> > And here I am."
> >
> > Blonde MEN do exist.
> >

[AvaJoy]

A group of school children on a class trip visiting a national park paused during their tour to watch several noisy flocks of migrating geese fly overhead. One child asked the ranger why it is that whenever they fly in V formations, one side is always shorter than the other. As the ranger pondered the question another child spoke up with the answer: Because there are less geese on that side!

[ellensy]

haha., blonde men!!!

[anna_66]

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

[Randi]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with some horrible stress. If you don't do the following
your husband will surely die." "Each morning, make him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. DON'T burden him with chores, as he
probably had a hard day. DON'T discuss your problems with him.
It will only make his stress worse. And MOST importantly, make
love with your husband several times a week and satisfy HIS every
whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think
your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor
say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Nomilynn]

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for
a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a
bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and
ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me
ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a
hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."

The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them
boys cut me hand off with a cutlass. Me doc couldn't find
a hand, so he gave me this hook."

Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just
as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business
right in me eye."

The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that
cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "It was me first day with the hook..."

[Nomilynn]

The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the
office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he barks.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna
eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home
from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food
down my throat?"

After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge
fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and
says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

[Nomilynn]

I changed one part of this joke to make it more appropriate.. but it's still funny



A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he
went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much
as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for
his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had. He said, "Oh,the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly

wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your boss,
apparently he had a whale of a time"

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

:eek: OH MY GOSH:eek:
I did not even see where that joke was going .... good one nomilynn!!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been invited to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tacklebox."

[delidog]

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

------------------------

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

----------------------

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm
..five?"

---------------

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

-------------


Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.


--------------

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How
'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

---------------

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


-------------

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

-----------------

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

;) :)

[delidog]

Please Let Me Win
-----------------

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.,,, Buy a ticket

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Brain

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the
entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[Edwina's Secretary]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway....
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same
again....
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always
beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[anna_66]

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horror-scope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a vampires favorite sport?
Casket-ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women see right through them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
Their a bunch of no bodies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

[ChrisH]

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[anna_66]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[ellensy]

:D :D :D LOL :D :D :D

[AvaJoy]

This guy calls up his lawyer because he wants to get a divorce. The lawyer asks him why, and the man replies that it is because his wife told him he was no good in bed. The lawyer advises him that this is not grounds for divorce, but the man persists. The lawyer stands firm, trying to explain that being labeled a lousy lover is not going to hold up in court. Sure it will, protests the guy . . . afterall, how did she finally figure it out???!!!! ;)

[ChrisH]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[krazyaboutkatz]

That's a good one ChrisH. :D

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021103.gif

[ellensy]

LOL Garfield, ur so hilarious!!! :D

[Tanya&Fritz]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today. " She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONCLUSION:
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[ChrisH]

LoL:D those are good, especially the first two.:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

These are great. :D :D

[anna_66]

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RAPID RESPONSE

Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my
husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner
after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some
apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed
produce sprayers.

Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of
the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he
had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and
asked, “What was that?

I said "My pager, I am 911."

He looked at me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

[anna_66]

Sorry so many jokes today, but I just ran into a bunch of good ones!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beth was attending her High School reunion and was
having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close,
the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to
hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion,
the graduate who had been married the longest time,
the graduate who had become the most successful, etc.

As Beth was wondering if she was going to get a prize
the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Beth,
you win with 11 kids," and then trying to be clever, he
added, "and champagne is only half the prize. The other
half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Beth replied. "It's obvious
with this many kids that I've never had a headache."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had
gone out to the country to minister to an
outpatient. On the way back they were a few
miles from home when they ran out of gas. They
were standing beside their car on the shoulder
when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver
stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they
needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he
would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didnt
have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked
the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and
proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into
the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid
into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute,
then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but
I sure do admire your faith!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Anna!!!:D :D :D

[anna_66]

To Be Six Again.....
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.

[ChrisH]

:D :D Real good ones Anna! :D :D

[ellensy]

LOL :D that's funny!

[Tanya&Fritz]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says:
"Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says,
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says,
" The airbag."

[ChrisH]

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Scotty, how should I correct that?"
Scotty replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ellensy]

LOL, that's a great one ChrisH!

[Edwina's Secretary]

From Wisconsin, the State that is nationally recognized as having the
highest percentage of binge drinkers in the nation comes a this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of
the car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "You see tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[ChrisH]

Wanna be a bear?

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.

[ellensy]

hehe LOL :D :D :D Gosh, i love this thread! :)

[gini]

These are all so good........keep 'em coming!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* that is *so* funny, ChrisH. I think I wanna be a bear, too!

[AmberLee]

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

- -

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

- -

Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

- -

Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

- -

Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

- -

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

- -

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

- -

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- -

Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?

[Cookiebaker]

*lol* Amberlee, those are soo funny! I love lawyer jokes!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[ChrisH]

:D :D :D So funny! :D :D

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[Former User]

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

[Former User]

Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted criminal.
"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to catch that bad man."

Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?

[Former User]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only
4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die...."

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."

She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United
States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American
history, so America's people won't let me die."

So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's
cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."

[Former User]

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"

Two campers are awakened by the sounds of an obviously large bear outside their tent, looking for food at their campsite. Immediately, Chris pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack and quickly puts them on. Incredulous, his friend Michael says, "There's no way you can outrun that bear."

Chris replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

[Former User]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

[RockyRoad]

I always get more blonde and redhead jokes than any other so sorry but I've gotta post them.

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

[Cookiebaker]

Ha ha...I read those two to Mark, Britt, they are sooo funny!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL These are great!:D :D :D

[AvaJoy]

Love these jokes!!! Let"s keep it up!!!:D :D :D Here is a really lame one, sorry:

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table
before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....

[AmberLee]

The creation story -- as told by the cat


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter box.

>^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^< >^._.^<


Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cat:
1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of Cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

Purrson: a male kitten.

Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.

[AmberLee]

Real "Cats" by Stu and Andi Ackerman

"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet,even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

· Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

· The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

· Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not-depending on their mood.

· Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

· When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.

· In the middle of a performance, various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

· For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage, at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.

· A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission (interval).

· Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.

· Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.

· Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.

· The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.

· Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and well-we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

· The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.

· Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

· The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

· Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.

· Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

[AmberLee]

Pet Food Help Line

DAYTON, OHIO- Iams pet food company's team of customer service representatives handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"
-- cat owner, Omak, WA

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - cat owner,
Colorado Springs, CO

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY

"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner, Chicago, IL

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - dog owner, Miami, FL

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat owner, Los Angeles, CA

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
- cat owner, Amarillo, TX

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" - Anchorage, AK

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner, Ephrata, WA

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - dog owner, Flushing, NY

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - cat owner, Ontario, Canada

"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy owner, Chico, CA

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" - pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners".
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Ten Catmmandments

1) I am the Lord of thy House.
2) Thou shalt have no other pets before Me.
3) Thou shalt never ignore Me.
4) I shall ignore Thou when I feel like it.
5) Thou shalt be grateful that I even give Thou the time of day.
6) Remember My food dish and keep it full.
7) Thou shalt spend most of Thy money on toys and gifts for Me.
8) Thou shalt always have Thy lap ready for Me to curl up in.
9) Thou shalt shower Me with love and attention upon demand.
10)Above all, Thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
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More "Cat's Rules to Live By." See if some sound like your cat!

All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Ignore your mistakes.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
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Sunday School Lessons

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or gray, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus - but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

[AmberLee]

Cat Haiku

Small, brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold -
Elevator butt!

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Want to go outside.
Oh no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for cup hockey!

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion & sound, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.



Dog Haiku

I am your best friend.
Now, always, especially
when you are eating.

I sound the alarm!
Mailman come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

· When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
· For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage, at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
· Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

[AmberLee]

The following warning was issued because of recent high water in the low areas of Texas and Louisiana.

STATES ISSUE WARNING...

Louisiana and Texas Gulf Coast Residents

ATTENTION: Golfers, Hikers, Hunters and Fishermen

Due to the current high water situation, the Louisiana & Texas Dept. of Wildlife and Fisheries is advising hunters, fishermen, hikers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators in Calcasieu, Cameron, Jeff Davis, and Allen parishes in La. and Jefferson and Orange counties in TX.

They have advised people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing as to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL AmberLee :D :D :D

[AmberLee]

Excuses for Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
-- Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

[AmberLee]

The Brits have much to teach us when it comes to truly deadly putdowns...
(The form used for Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from "206s")

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.