joke thread

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

14. Bad Weather

Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat, is always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the human opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door. See also the "Door into Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during this session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then try again in about half an hour.

.... continues tomorrow! :D

[anna_66]

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

15. On Kittenhood

Being a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth" Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and "should know better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.

Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many things can hide in the shadows.

16. Conclusion

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

This was the last chapter, hope you enjoyed it! :D

[anna_66]

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

[NoahsMommy]

Popcornbird,

I've seen this one....its sooooo funny!!! Thanks for making me smile after a really LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG week! :D

[Puffin83]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lol2.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol9.gif

[Puffin83]

I'm just here for those weird smilies!

[Rottieluver45]

I have two!:D Here they are!

Dangerous Mule

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real
peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he
was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs,
striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to
Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and
spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and
down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress
was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"
--------------------------------------------------

The Observant Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb-butt, someone has stolen our tent."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL http://www.smilies.nl/groot/big.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Aspen and Misty]

LOL..That was so funny!

[anna_66]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

[Puffin83]

http://www.smilies.nl/groot/big.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[AdoreMyDogs]

HaaaaaHaaaaa!!!! LOL everyone :D SOOOOO funny! I wish I was better at jokes, I just don't remember them long enough to share here. I do thoroughlly enjoy reading them, though!

[Rottieluver45]

I have yet ANOTHER one

What is a cat?

- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What is a dog?

- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.




Well it`s not THAT funny!

[ChewmonkeyBC]

I got this from a place called Stuipd Laws....and YES these should be true:)

(I couldnt find the website that i got these from so I cant tell you what state there from,sorry If I get them MIxed up)

IN LOUISANA

YOU CAN NOT TIE AN ALLIGOTAR TO A FIRE HIDERANT.

this should be ture....
i will try to find the
web page ASAP!
-Kayla
:)

[ChewmonkeyBC]

Originally posted by anna_66
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

lol:)

[Rottieluver45]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a
fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she
will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old
woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."


--------------------------------------------------





Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."






MORE!!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif http://216.40.201.38/contrib/blackeye/lol.gif

[lovemymaltese]

AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I just love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL :) :D :) :D

[NoahsMommy]

Funny!!! And I'm a "Cat person"! :) :) :) :)

[Former User]

One of my fave Garfield comics

[Rottieluver45]

LOL! That`s cute!

[Former User]

sorry, can't resist, have to post another one...

I love it when John goes to visit home... the sarcasm is brilliant! :D

[popcornbird]

LOL! 10 is late? LOL! I don't sleep before 12 or 1 and I don't get in trouble! That's because no one in the house does! :D:D

[Former User]

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.
The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a hammer and hit the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good." The doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll learn B."

[anna_66]

:D LOL Niina! Those were great!

Now here's a riddle:

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got
> the answer,
> compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
>
> The riddle:
>
> What is greater than God,
> More evil than the devil,
> The poor have it,
> The rich need it,
> And if you eat it, you'll die?
>
>
>
> Think on this.
>
> I won't make you wait until tomorrow for the answer.
>
>
> Don't feel bad, when I first heard it, I couldn't
> figure it out.
>
> After you've either figured it out or given up,
> scroll WAAAAY down and what is between the quotes is
> the answer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> " "
>
> What is between the quotes?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Exactly
>
>
> "Nothing" is between the quotes
>
> "Nothing" is the answer

[anna_66]

I just had to post this one:

One day Bin Laden went to a fortuneteller and asked her when will I die. She replied: You will die on an American holiday. So he asks which American holiday and she says it doesn’t matter. When you die it will be an American holiday.

[NoahsMommy]

hee hee! Good one!!! :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/MySmilley.gif

[Aspen and Misty]

I thought these were funny and that you gusy might enjoy them. They are funny things on the back of packages.

Funny things from Packages

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery afer taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of Construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." talk about a news flash)

[felinequine]

okay here's a stupid one:

Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?

It was rated R!






Hint:If this joke is so stupid that you don't get it, the 'R' is pirates say 'Ar Mateys!' get it? okay i will shut up now.

[Rottieluver45]

Originally posted by felinequine
okay here's a stupid one:

Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?

It was rated R!






Hint:If this joke is so stupid that you don't get it, the 'R' is pirates say 'Ar Mateys!' get it? okay i will shut up now.

LOL! That is sorta stupid,but it`s funny too!

[Former User]

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.
The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."

[felinequine]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'.

[Rottieluver45]

LOL!! That`s funny!

[felinequine]

Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?

When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."

If so, your cat may be from outer space....

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.

Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space:
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?
Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"
Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?
Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.

What Cats from Outer Space Look Like:

Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.

What to Feed Cats from Outer Space:

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets:

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.

How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens:

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.

:rolleyes: ;) :D

[barclaysmom]

I found this on a site and thought it was cute!

if you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your trouble
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things . . .

Then you are probably the family dog!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's something that my brother e-mailed me. This is the worlds worst belly button tattoo.

[Former User]

Garfield is funny!

[anna_66]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[Former User]

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

[Pam]

Just got this today from my brother via e-mail.....

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months! :rolleyes:

[Former User]

LOL Pam, that's a good one! :D

Wedding Day Advice

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are to big. I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems".
'Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days.

Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[ellensy]

:D :D :D LOL

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/MySmilley.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Randi]

Quattro

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
- "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
- "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
- "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
- "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry persons."
- "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian custom agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz mor intelligence!"
- "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno

[lovemymaltese]

Highway Juggling

One day a Georgia State patrolman pulled a car over for speeding
about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a
magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show
that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and
if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't
give him a ticket.

The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit
them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the
patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went
to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the
door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail.....there's no way
in the world that I can pass that test."

[AmberLee]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 loan and The interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $25.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D :D

[lovemymaltese]

tee he!

[lynnestankard]

amber - rotfl !!!!:D :D

lynne

[Pam]

Got this in an e-mail tonight. :)

The Mood Ring ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[lovemymaltese]

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box for a house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So the man asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. The man waited a few minutes and,
desperate for a response, he asked the centipede again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more. The man decided to ask the centipede one more time, this time pressing his face against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" Finally, came a little voice from inside the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[delidog]

Dead Rabbit



A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves
to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the little rabbit jumps right in front
of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of
the rabbit.



Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that
he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of a road and
pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks
him what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"
he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She
runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit.



The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw
at the two of them and hops off down
the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
this again and again and again, until
he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over
to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around so
the man can read the label. It says:



(Are you ready for this?)







(Are you sure?)



























(This is bad!)



























(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line.)































(You know you're gonna be sorry.)































(Last chance.)























(OK, here it is.)




















It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to
dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[lovemymaltese]

A baboon walks into a bar, and orders a milkshake. The bartender stops cleaning the counter, and stares.

The baboon repeats the order and hands him a ten dollar bill, so the bartender slyly hands the baboon his milkshake.

While the baboon drank his milkshake, the bartender was thinking, "What would a baboon know of money?" So, when the baboon finished, the bartender handed the baboon one dollar change, thinking the baboon wouldn't know better, and pass this by.

So as to make small talk, the bartender said, "We don't get many baboons in here...", to which the baboon said, "Well, at nine dollars a milkshake, it's not surprising!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[lovemymaltese]

I just got to read the mood ring one, what a riot. Ha!

[anna_66]

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

[Former User]

AmberLee, that's a good one! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bounce2.gif

[Former User]

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.

Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???

WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

[Former User]

An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

[Former User]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[Former User]

Application to joinna MAFFIA
============================

Whatza Yu Name_____________________ Are Yu Italia or A Foreigner __________
Whatza Yu Hows Numbero_____________ Onna What Streete______________________
Whatza Yu Bagst Hittaman___________ Lonna Collectoor_______________________
Prostitutti________________________

Whatta Yu Doin Wher Yu Now Wurkka_______________ Anything Onna Side______
Wazzauy Evva Inna Beeg Hows________ Iffa so, For Wad Were Yu Nailed________
Shotta Somwan_____ Keednap Somwan_____ Stickem Uppa_____

Yu Wanna Be A Bigga Shotz Sumdaze____ Yu Wanna Stay Inna Banks_______________
Yu Likka Garlic____ Pizza____ Spagetti____ Girls____
Yu No How To Makka Cement Shoes____ Overcoats___ People Disappeer_______
What Kinda Car Yu Drive: Caddy____ Buik____ Linken____ Stolen____
Did Yu See: "The Godfather"____ Da Movie Or Da Reel Tinga____
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We gonna vote on yu application. If yu don pass, boy yu betta forgett da
application. Yu pass, yu gonna get dese thins and yu gonna lik em:

1 Pair dark glasses 1 blach shirt anna white tie
1 Paie cement shuz (Use later, yy foola round) 1 Pair pointie toe shoes
1 8x10 foto Frank Sinatra 1 blach hat wit a wida brim
1 kiss onna moutha (I kissa onna cheeck later if yu foola round)

Doan call us. We gonna calla yu if yu passa da tests. Givva tree names peeple
whata gonna say "Heesa okay":
1.________________ 2.___________________ 3._________________

Sine yu name an two aliases: ________________________________________________

----------------- DONA WRITE NUTTIN BELOW DISSA LINE -----------------------

Family Action:
Okay, givva him/her a try___________ Letta him/her go wit a warning________
Letta him/her go wit a brokken arm___________ Hitta him/her_________________

______________________ __________________________
Okay By Da Boss Okay By Da Bigga Boss

[delidog]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL :D :D :D

[Rottieluver45]

LOL!!:D

[AmberLee]

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."


:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Good joke AmberLee.:D :D

[AmberLee]

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Oh, that's just because we aren't married yet."

>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<

Thank you. It seems like I've stumbled into several cute jokes recently and I'm glad to be able to share them.

:D

[Former User]

LOL LOL, another good one AmberLee!:D

[anna_66]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Former User]

Anna, that's a good one! :D

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."

[anna_66]

Here's an even better one:D
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 4-year-old daughter was having a great time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face...

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Dejected, sad and broken, she looked up at me and said -

"Daddy, where's my booger?

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone :D :D :D These are great. :)

[anna_66]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[anna_66]

Guess I'm just needing some laughs, here's another I found hysterical:D


A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

[Ann]

EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW@the booger joke

LOL, all the jokes here are great :) Gotta love those tech calls, even if they might not be real

[Former User]

Mrs. Ford sobbed to her maid, "Oh Beverly, I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I can't believe that!" Beverly snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous!"

[Former User]

An English professor wrote these words on the blackboard, directing his students to punctuate it correctly.
"Woman without her man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

[anna_66]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

[AmberLee]

My cousin sent me a cute joke, thought you might like it too.




Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man picks it up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins a conversation

(M=man, W=wife):

M: "Hello?"

W: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M: "What's the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

M: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

M: "What?"

W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

M: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down."

M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W: "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

M: "Bye...I love you too..."


The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.

The man holds up the phone and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif Good one AmberLee. http://www.gifs.net/animate/octi2.gif http://www.gifs.net/animate/octi1.gif

[anna_66]

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

[Former User]

AmberLee and Anna, good jokes!

[Former User]

what if.... (part 1)

[Former User]

what if... (part 2)

[Former User]

what if... (part 3)

[Former User]

what if...(part 4)

[Former User]

:D :D

[Former User]

catscan ;)

[Former User]

:eek:

[anna_66]

LOL Ninna! The chicken one...Mark's said that before:eek:

And the what if's....scaaaaarrrrrrryyyyyy!!!!

[Randi]

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to
friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of
his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong
an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of
the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock
in the morning!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Niina :D Those are too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif Anna and Randi your jokes were great too. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/JUMP3.GIF http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lach.gif

[Randi]

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with it, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I just can't get it in at all!"

I have family who might do this :rolleyes: - but then,I've also family who teaches CAD CAM. :cool: - but I don't think they see each other that much! :D

[Randi]

Paying for Your Taxes ...

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1999 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1999 income tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.

Sincerely,
Robbed Everyear

[Randi]

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny Randi. http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lach.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[Former User]

:D :D :D :D :D

[Pam]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Randi
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

Gee, that wouldn't be OUR Marius, beloved kitty of Wolflady, sibling of Scooter, and handsome white knight who only has eyes for Edwina! :D :D :D

[delidog]

Signs that your cat is hanging out with the wrong crowd: One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced. Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives". You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight or you'll never see Spot again". Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him. You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW". You find out that the lifetime supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but your cat has been selling anti-flea drugs in the neighbourhood. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

[Randi]

From the Dominican Republic Daily News:

Supernatural hen to go to court
Hoy newspaper tells the story of a Supernatural black hen that is kept at the Palacio de Justicia de Ciudad Nueva, the leading courthouse of Santo Domingo. The hen belongs to Lorenzo Rodriguez, who is accused of sexually violating three minors and of witchcraft. The hen is being kept as evidence.
Reportedly, the chicken would reveal to Rodriguez what the girls he kept captive in his Villa Consuelo shack would talk about when he was out. Two of the girls, aged 14-15 years old said that the hen would be quiet during the day (apparently listening), and then talk to her keeper at night.
When taken to the district attorney's office at the Ciudad Nueva courthouse, the hen supposedly told one employee the numbers that would come out in the lottery, and he won RD$15,000. To another, the hen gave a blessing so that he would be issued a 10-year visa to travel to the United States. The next day he was granted a visa. When these two happenings were interpreted as a confirmation of its supernatural powers, the good luck hen then became an overnight sensation.
The case will be heard today at the Cuarta Sala Penal del Distrito Nacional, and Hoy newspaper says that the judge would be questioning the hen

[anna_66]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020819.gif
This is me today....it is so dark, gloomy and rainy today (guess I shouldn't complain, we need the rain!)

[Former User]

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."

[Aspen and Misty]

LOL that was so funny Casper and Kitty! I loved it. LOL

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone. These jokes are great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[Former User]

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.

The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

[anna_66]

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
*************************************************
SMILE SOUTHERN STYLE
>
>
> Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who
> passed away an left his entire estate to his beloved
> widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's
> 14.
>
> How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky
> hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I
> gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies,
> "Go ahead."
>
> How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is
> married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides
> of his pickup truck.
>
> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
> drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Seems they want
> to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
>
> What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
> Documentaries.
>
> Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.
> If it were invented anywhere else, it would have
> been called a teethbrush.
>
> A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on
> I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" driver
> replied, "Bout wut?"
>
> Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
> Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million
> years.
>
> Did you hear that the governor's mansion in
> Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the
> whole trailer park. The library was a total loss,
> too. Both books - poof! - up in flames and they
> hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
>
> A new law recently passed in West Virginia. When
> a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and
> sister.
>

[anna_66]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Great jokes everyone. :D Here's a funny cartoon.

[Former User]

At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?"
"241," the man replies.
"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"Great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert lets go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, "Hello Mr. President!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here are some more funny pics.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's a brave puppy.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's one cool rabbit.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's a dog with a lot of spirit.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's a man with a very bad headache.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's a funny fryer.

[AmberLee]

Cute ones, KAK! Really appreciate the chuckles! Thanks.

[Former User]

A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. "Todd," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?"
"My daddy says that," Todd replied.
"Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "I don't want to hear that language in here again." Turning away, the teacher muttered "At least he doesn't know what it means."

"I do, too!" the little boy replied. "It means the car won't start!

[Former User]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone....

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

[Former User]

IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher :D

---------------------------------------------

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

[Former User]

Blonde Cook Book:

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but
I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up
to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/uquakmeup.gif

[Former User]

Teacher: "If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?"

Student: "Six."

[anna_66]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[anna_66]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[anna_66]

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[Former User]

:D

[Former User]

cute big nosed cat :)

[Former User]

computer for us girls ;) :rolleyes:

[Former User]

heh heh

[Former User]

just what I needed ;)

[Former User]

Cute!

[Former User]

ROFL! :D

[Former User]

awww, poor doggie

[Former User]

cute! :)

[Former User]

Walking up to the front door of a big farmhouse, a hobo knocked lightly on the door until the owner answered. The hobo said, "Please, sir, could I have something to eat? I haven't had a meal in days."
The well-dressed homeowner said, "I may have made a fortune supplying goods to people, but I never give away anything for nothing. However, if you go around to the back of the house, you'll fine a gallon of paint and a clean brush. Paint my porch and I'll give you a good meal."
The hobo headed off to the back of the house and a few hours later he came back to knock on the door again. The homeowner was surprised. "Finished already? That's great! Come on in and sit down, and I'll have the cook bring you a meal."

"Thank you, sir!" the hobo said. "I should tell you though, that you don't know your cars. That's not a Porch. It's a BMW."

[anna_66]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020826.gif
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga020828.gif

[ellensy]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
> hearing aid. It cost
> me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
> art."
> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
> "Twelve thirty."
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to
> get a physical. A few
> days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the
> street with a gorgeous
> young lady on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to the man
> and said, "You're really
> doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just
> doing what you said,
> doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
> The doctor said, "I said 'you've got a heart
> murmur...be careful.' "
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
> his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
> warning him, "Herman, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
> way on 280 Interstate.
> Please be careful."
> "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's
> hundreds of them!"
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home
> for dinner one evening.
> He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
> every request to his wife
> with endearing terms -- "Honey, My Love, Darling,
> Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc."
> The couple had been married almost 70 years and,
> clearly, they were still
> very much in love.
> While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned
> over and said to his host,
> "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
> you still call your
> wife those loving pet names."
> The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the
> truth, " he said, "I
> forgot her name about 10 years ago."

[anna_66]

Originally posted by ellensy

'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
> The doctor said, "I said 'you've got a heart
> murmur...be careful.' "




http://216.40.249.192/mysmilies/contrib/Bizkit/sweat.gifOhhhh, I just LOVED that one!

[lovemymaltese]

LOL:D :D

[lovemymaltese]

Q. how do you make a tissue dance?

A. you put a little boogey in it.

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif These are too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[lovemymaltese]

I loved the picture entitled Sexy salad.

[lovemymaltese]

this picture is funny

[lovemymaltese]

this is a dog's life.

[lovemymaltese]

funny pic

[lovemymaltese]

it didn't show up. sorry it wouldn't work.

[lovemymaltese]

don't mess with this rabbit.

[krazyaboutkatz]

HE HE HE!!!!! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/JUMP3.GIF http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lach.gif

[wolf_Q]

Lol@killer rabbit. Poor wolfie though. :( Reminds me of the bunny in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

[Former User]

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."

Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"

Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

[Former User]

Oh, this one cracked me up LOL LOL LOL :D :D :D

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

[Former User]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[Former User]

"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy, holding out her hand.
"I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
"Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?"

"I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

[Ann]

LOL @ the deaf one and the homework-eating dog

Great jokes! Glad to see this thread still going strong :)

[anna_66]

A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!" At which time God stated, "H! oly Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!"

[lovemymaltese]

Never say to a Cop...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[lovemymaltese]

The Blond and the Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[lovemymaltese]

How do you Stop a Skunk Smelling?

Plug its nose!

[lovemymaltese]

There where two snakes in a bar there names were Fred and Eddy.

Fred asked Eddy ''Why do they measure us in inches ''.

Eddy says ''It's because we have no feet''.

[ChrisH]

Polar Bear Father/Son Talk

One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked,
"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son,
you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns
to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar
bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are
definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear
AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't
think your sparing my feelings if it's not true.
I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this
continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do
you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

[lovemymaltese]

lol :)

[anna_66]

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[Former User]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Former User]

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor

[Former User]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[gini]

Niina, your jokes are terrific!

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[Former User]

glad you like them, here's few pics then :D

[Former User]

cute!

[Former User]

hamster tennis :D

[Former User]

just hanging

[Former User]

help, I'm stuck!

[Former User]

cat burger :rolleyes:

[Former User]

best buddies :)

[Former User]

:D

[lovemymaltese]

surround sounds, that's funny!

[ellensy]

Niina, LOL, ur jokes and pix are hilarious!!! Keep 'em coming. :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

I agree. LOL:D :D :D

[AmberLee]

Grammar
=======

Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"

"They was in, but they is out now." he answered.

The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, they are out now.' Where's your grammar?"

"She's upstairs taking her nap."

[Former User]

LOL AmberLee, I LOVE Little Johnnie jokes! thanx for that one!

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

[Former User]

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

----------------------------------------------------

What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches?
An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo!


--------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

[Former User]

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. :rolleyes:
-------------------------------------

What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?" :D

[Former User]

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

---------------------------------------------
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

[Former User]

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
------------------------

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[Former User]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

[Former User]

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.



Ok, have a nice weekend ya all! :D

[ellensy]

heehee, hilarious!!! :D

[anna_66]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[lovemymaltese]

too funny! :)

[ellensy]

LOL :D

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Great jokes everyone. :D

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
...


:D :cool:
This triggered my desire to re-watch Jurassic Park again, and the follow-on question is...









Drumroll, please....















What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us Rex

:D

[ChrisH]

Some Thoughts on Exercise

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy
me take them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you
die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[ChrisH]

Misc thoughts

1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends
be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could
have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!

11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of
the kids would you like?

13. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
climb the fence!

14. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

15. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.

[anna_66]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

[ellensy]

LOL :D :D :D

[AvaJoy]

Have you seen the newest Barbie doll? She is called Divorce Barbie, and she comes with . . . all of Ken's stuff! :p

And here's a couple for the youngsters:

Q. Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
A. Because their horns don't work.

Q. Why don't you ever see a dead crow in the road?
A. Because there is always one on a telephone pole yelling, "Cah- cah-cah!"

[Former User]

Avajoy, that Barbie joke is a good one! :D

In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[wolf_Q]

I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...

This one cracked me up. :D

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double Damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

[wolf_Q]

Kinda dumb...


A mama mole, a papa mole, and baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup."
The mama mole sticks her head out the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey."
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says,..."Geez, all I can smell is.......


Are you ready for this....



Hold on....



Here it is.....



MOLASSES!!!!!!!

[wolf_Q]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs, have a
new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well . . . . . . . two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we
will name him Sum-Ting Wong.

[wolf_Q]

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT. . ..
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.

Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!

[Former User]

LOL, that's a good one! For me, it's not true though, LOL, phew!

[wolf_Q]

Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve...


10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the tv.
remote. (It has been noted that men don't want to see what's on TV;
they want to see WHAT ELSE in on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a Dr.'s appt. on his own.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one
for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never
be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden", Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the eating of the fruit off the tree
incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the number one reason of all (drum roll, fanfare, etc...), God
stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared, "I can do better than that."

[anna_66]

:D Those are good ones Amy!



****************************
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

[ellensy]

LOL Gee, i love this thread :D

[ChrisH]

:DMe too ellensy.:D

[Edwina's Secretary]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So
he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her
and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings
and it's her husband.

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't
understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"

[Former User]

:D :D :D Edwina's Secretary! That's a good one!

[lovemymaltese]

that one is funny, thanks for sharing!

[krazyaboutkatz]

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif These jokes are too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[AmberLee]

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honour."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honour."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

With a sigh, "No, not in the last twenty years, Your Honour."

[ellensy]

LOL :D :cool: :D

[Edwina's Secretary]

There was a man who had worked all
of his life and had saved all of his money
and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything,
and just before he died, he said to his wife,
"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me.
Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down, and they rolled it away. So
her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with that man. " She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that
I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with the man?" " I sure did,"
said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

[gini]

Sara, although I heard a different version of this joke, it was my father's all time favorite.

Whenever there is a discussion about money and greed, I love to tell the joke.

[lovemymaltese]

light headed patients one was good. thanks!

[krazyaboutkatz]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
> > > >> >> "God, I have a problem!"
> > > >> >> "What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
> > > >> >> "God, I know you created me
> > > >> >> and provided this beautiful garden
> > > >> >> and all of these wonderful animals
> > > >> >> and that hilarious comedic snake,
> > > >> >> but I'm just not happy."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
> > > >> >> I shall create man for you...
> > > >> >> But this man will be a flaw
ed creature,
> > > >> >> with many bad traits.
> > > >> >> He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious;
> > > >> >> all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
> > > >> >> But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger,
> > > >> >> faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
> > > >> >> He will look silly when he's aroused,
> > > >> >> but since you've been complaining,
> > > >> >> I'll create him in such a way
> > > >> >> that he will satisfy your physical needs.
> > > >> >> He will be witless and will revel in childish things
> > > >> >> like fighting and kicking a ball about.
> > > >> >> He won't be too smart,
> > > >> >> so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
> > > >> >>
&
gt; > > >> >> "Sounds great," says Eve,
> > > >> >> with an ironically raised eyebrow.
> > > >> >> "What's the catch, God?"
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well ... you can have him on one condition."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "What's that, God?"
> > > >> >> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
> > > >> >> and self-admiring...
> > > >> >> So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> Just remember, it's our little secret...
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> You know, woman to woman."
> > > >> >>
>
>

[AmberLee]

Great one, KAK!!!

Great Fathers
=============

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:30!
;)

[lovemymaltese]

ha! I have always like the little johhny jokes. :)

[Edwina's Secretary]

Oh KAK...I've forwarded the Adam and Eve joke to all my girlfriends! It's great!

[lovemymaltese]

It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

[RockyRoad]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes? ;)

[Pam]

Got this tonight in an e-mail. :)

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Pam that was too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/bouncebig.gif

[AmberLee]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh merciful heavens! Am I driving?"

[wolf_Q]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!

For you...

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the
operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

[Former User]

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

[Ann]

Great jokes everyone!! :)


Originally posted by FloppsyLadySally89
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!! ;)

I always thought that "redneck" was a term for people who came from the south of the USA :confused: Could it mean both or am I completely wrong?



Originally posted by Pam
Got this tonight in an e-mail. :)

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

OMG, if that is true then that's one of the coolest, smartests and funniest way of adopting out an animal that I've ever heard! Huge kudos to them :)

LOOC@lovemymaltese's three wishes story. That one was hilarious!

[anna_66]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".

The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.

You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.

[Tanya&Fritz]

You might be a redneck if...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your fourteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

8. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."

9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.

10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are; "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

18. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Pam]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
You might be a redneck if...19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

These are hysterical but this is the one that made me laugh out loud!! Great job everyone. Laughing is good for us all!

[Pam]

This really made me smile. It could very well be Bella having a chat with Tessa, our doggie next door neighbor. The human on the ground would of course be me! :o
http://www.offthemark.com/Images/gardening/gardening01.gif

[lovemymaltese]

lol, that is too funny. Thanks for sharing.

[lovemymaltese]

I Think
There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head.
They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small
print, a note says, " If you say something honest about yourself,
you will be rewarded." "And if you lie, you will vanish forever."

The brunette says, " I think have the most beautiful head of hair."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The red head says, " I think I have the most beautiful body."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The blonde says, " I think.." Poof.

[lovemymaltese]

Boring Book
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."

[lovemymaltese]

Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking
at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what
are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field."

[lovemymaltese]

No Gentleman
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're
no gentleman!"

The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL These are great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

[Former User]

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Oh my gosh! Where's my Rolex???!!!"

[Former User]

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

[Former User]

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone

[Former User]

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

[Former User]

:eek:

[Former User]

This is cute! :D :D :D

[Former User]

Is the cat big or is the room small :D

[ellensy]

LOL, Cool pix! :D :D :D