Why couldn't I just...

[Queen of Poop]

Keep my big mouth shut. Then I'd still have a family and be on holidays. Instead I'm home alone and a horrible human being. I couldn't take my step daughters crying any more. It started before we even left home and only got worse. I finally had to say something. Then the fight was on. I am a horrible human. I let my frustration get the best of me. I feel bad about it. I also feel dead inside. Thanks for listening. Feel free to kick my butt, I surely deserve it.

Edit: she was crying because she didn't want to go with us to the lake and leave her mom at home. We gave her several extra days with her mom before we left and her mom came to see her yesterday, but she spent her day in the boat and I got to entertain her mom.

[lizbud]

I'm not sure what it is that you did. Why were the girls crying? Everyone
gets frustrated from time to time. We are only human.I do hope things calm
down for you & you can see things in a different light.((Hugs))

[kuhio98]

Gayle ~ You don't owe us any apology or explanation. If you feel you were out of line, please tell your step daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear an apology (if you think you owe her one). It will be a good lesson for her to realize that adults make mistakes and take responsibility for them.

Give her and yourself a big hug. It will all be alright.

[gini]

I agree with all that has been said. Don't be so hard on yourself.........all of us and I mean ALL of us lose it once in a while.

Apologize only if you feel you should..........but it sounds as though your stepdaughter has some responsibility here too.

[Rachel]

Gayle ~ You don't owe us any apology or explanation. If you feel you were out of line, please tell your step daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear an apology (if you think you owe her one). It will be a good lesson for her to realize that adults make mistakes and take responsibility for them.

Give her and yourself a big hug. It will all be alright.

That speaks to how I feel and puts it better than I could have. You are not a horrible human because if you were, you wouldn't have this regret. You are just human! Good luck on making amends.

[Queen of Poop]

So now apparently she's had a problem with me for several months. Well sweetheart. From Feb 27 till May 9 I was fighting for my life with the lump in my left breast. I lost 1/3 of my breast, I'm a small girl, fortunately it wasn't cancer - yet. Sorry, Alex, if you weren't the centre of attention. Following that I've been nothing but happier than a pig in sh*&. Looking so forward to the holiday that she ruined by bawling for her mother. I totally blame her and her Aunt Dana for poisioning her against me. So my marriage will end on the comments of a 13 year old girl influenced by her 37 year old aunt. :mad: :mad: :mad:

Soon to be a 2 time loser.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now if I could only stop crying.

[Laura's Babies]

She is 13? That is a little to big to be clinging to her Mommie like that! Sounds like she is a drama queen and if that is the case, you are better off without her and if Dad falls for that drama, you don't need him either. Your life should not be ruled by a 13 year old child!

You are not a looser and quit calling yourself that! Your life does not end because a marriage ends. This chapter of your life is ending but there will be a new chapter for you...

Life is to short to be miserable... Hold your head high, be proud, you do have worth...... so what if a 13 year old child don't know that? (YOU are just as important as she is!!!!)

[catnapper]

As a step mom myself, I know only too well the strain a teenage girl can put on a marriage. My step daughter was going to be the death of me. I swear some days it took all my power to not kill her. She hated me and all I stood for (essentially taking all attention from her) She pit me against hubby a million times.... and some times she won, others I won. At some point, I promise she WILL wake up and realize your purpose in life is not to make her life miserable.

You can PM me if you want. I know what its like to be a step mom to a 13 year old girl. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. You feel like a total failure. No matter what you say is taken out of context. No matter what you do isn't good enough. You feel worthless and like a second class citizen in your own home. Dad is compelled to stand up for her... even if he knows you're right and she's wrong. There's the unspoken fact hanging in the back of everyone's mind that she is NOT your child.... in her mind, in hubby's mind, in you're own mind.

All I can say is thank goodness her mom was not in the picture. I can only imagine how much worse it would be! But I DID have SILs who poisoned her from me. God I hated when she went to visit her aunts. She came home with a royal attitude. When she was 13, they told her its ok to wear thongs, if it made her happy! um... don't you think her parents should decide that one? Ugh. Sorry for my own side vent... essentially, I'm trying to tell you I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now.

(((HUGS)))

[Sevaede]

Laura and Catnapper said everything that I wanted to say. Even though I have not been in your position, I am *VERY* close with someone who is and I've observed and experienced from it.

You are not a bad person, a loser, or ANYTHING like that. We all have an end to our wits and buttons that can be pushed.

**HUGS**

[Queen of Poop]

I want to say thank you to you wonderful people who replied to my dilemma. I've spent the last several days thinking I'm going out of my mind. I don't know what to do. At least today the time between the crying fits is a little longer. I feel that I am in mourning and I guess I am. Anyways thank you for the support. I've come back many times and read your responses when I've been down and they've served to pick up my self esteem. You are awesome people.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I feel for you - I really do.

My step daughter was 8 when I took her on 20 years ago and will cheerfully admit that she did everything she could to make my life a misery and drive me and her Dad apart. Now I think we can say we're friends but it has taken a long time to get there.

You are not a bad person for feeling how you do especially with all you have been coping with. Step children are a nightmare (God knows your own are bad enough but at least you can love them unconditionally.......). Good luck sweetie, you will get through this

[Karen]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

You are not crazy, you are not wrong, this need not be the death of the marriage. She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

[BOBS DAD]

Gayle ~ You don't owe us any apology or explanation. If you feel you were out of line, please tell your step daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear an apology (if you think you owe her one). It will be a good lesson for her to realize that adults make mistakes and take responsibility for them.

Give her and yourself a big hug. It will all be alright.

...that sound like pretty good advice, but you seemed almost sarcastic in your opening post??? I guess I should read on before commenting any further!!!

[BOBS DAD]

She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good. I too think a Mulligan (or a DO-OVER) is in order. How about a "just you an me" day. Maybe some shopping (I know "my girls" sure like to shop) and then lunch/dinner and a nice long, let' s start over chat. Maybe you can do your best to talk about love and relationships (at a 13 year old perspective) - and how you feel about her Dad and your new family. Maybe ask her if she has a boyfriend??? (Try to get into her space a little -something you two can share). Maybe someone special that she likes? Could use it as a seguay (sp?) into how you and her father became romatically attracted (unless you were the reason for the parent's breakup - then you may have to use a different twist). Explain that you know what it feels like to have that flutter heart and tongue tied feeling when that special boy walks by. Offer advice on how she can catch his attention. If there is some way that you can establish a repoire on something as sensitive as this - that is special between just you and her - you may become a confident, and a special person in her life - "BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND" what she is going through.

Think about if there is something like this that you take a prominent role in and become the "go to" person in this area of her life!!! usually the more personal it is - "like boys", the stronger a potential bond can become. Good luck!!!

[gini]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

What Karen has said just struck a cord for me. My own Mother died when I was a ten month old baby. I, along with my older brother, lived with my maternal aunt and uncle. When I was 13 my father remarried.

Here are the following changes that took place in my life.

1. We moved across town and I had to give up my friends and go to a different school middle school. I was thrilled to be able to join my friends again in the high school. But, that was taken away and I had to go to the Catholic School.

2. I was very involved with the Presbyterian Church - their summer camp, the Sunday School and many happy activities. All of that was yanked away from me - my baptism papers destroyed. I was now Catholic.

3. I thought I was in boot camp............I had so many rules and regulations
and duties.

4. At 15 we moved to California - yet another school - a whole new life.

5. I had absolutely no one to talk to about all of these changes in my life.
I just stuffed it.

I certainly am not saying you are a bad person in any way. As an adult I have realized all that my stepmother tried to do for me - but she also made it clear I was the stepchild. I was even called Cinderella in front of her family.

What I am saying is that "I was the child" - still forming - still struggling to figure things out. "She was the adult".........."

Your job is very difficult and made even more difficult by her own natural relatives. It is almost like you have lost before you even begin.

But I will repeat my main theme - "you are the adult" - and "she is the child"
still forming, still searching and very much in need of being loved.

It would help perhaps, to step back a few steps, get your emotions under control and with your adult wisdom, assess the situation again.
This does not have to ruin your marriage. I will say prayers for your success.

[Logan]

I remember my minister telling Scott and me, in our premarital counseling, 3 1/2 years ago, that the hardest part of our marriage would always be blending our families and handling life with each other's children. How right he was! And I cannot tell you the number of times, especially the first couple of years, that I thought that I would not survive it and I questioned my decision. What I realized is that I was trying to hold them up to the standard I had set for my own child. They have different personalities, and come from a different situation. I'm still guilty of doing that sometime, but I'm better, and try to treat each one individually. I don't want to be their mother, but I do want them to not make our lives a living hell when they are with us. We get such precious few days each month with them, anyway. And once we got past that, after much discussion, and I realized that this had not just been a big adjustment for my daughter and for me, but for all of them as well, we did better. And now I don't hesitate to speak up to them when things get a bit rocky. It will never be easy, but of course, if I had 3 children of my own, it wouldn't be easy! I was just spoiled from having one pretty good child, all to myself, for over 10 years. Our children are 15 (my daughter), 13 (his daughter) and 11 (his son). They're good kids, but like Gini said, they are kids. We are adults and it is up to us to behave accordingly and work through things with the children.

I have been so fortunate that my daughter's father and I, along with his wife, have always been able to work together, without harsh words, on Helen's behalf. It has made a world of difference. She has never heard any criticism from any of us about the other, nor has she heard it from relatives. And the result is a well-adjusted, happy teenager, who really hasn't given us much grief at all.

Is this really going to end your marriage? If I'm getting too personal, don't worry about answering. It just seems to me that if this one incident could cause your husband to not want to be married, then you probably don't need to be married to him. Or has this been building up for a while?

I send you my prayers and best wishes. Fight for this marriage to work if you love your husband. And remember, this child is a part of him, and you knew that when you married him. She will grow up too soon and be gone before you know it.

Logan

[lizbud]

...that sound like pretty good advice, but you seemed almost sarcastic in your opening post??? I guess I should read on before commenting any further!!!


Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me. :confused:

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings. :)

[momoffuzzyfaces]

As a step kid myself, I can tell you that kid is playing you like a violin. I was just 13 when my mother died and 16 when dad remarried. Suddenly after 3 years of more or less answering to no one other than my dad, here was this strange woman in my face trying to make me answer to her. If she had ever bothered to talk to me instead of ordering me around and being in my face, well, things would have been different, probably. Throw in her two daughters, and, well, things were explosive for a long long time. Oddly now, we are friends to some extent.

There's the ever poplular: I don't have to listen to you, you are not my mother tantrum.

And the Dad said I could do this or that line. (Or in my case, I just told them I was doing something because I had not had to ask permission before my step mom came on the scene and I wasn't about to start now.)

Throw in an assortment of kin on both sides all with opinions on what YOU should do, and you pretty much are sitting on a powder keg with the fuse lit anyway you look at it.

Anyway, talking to her couldn't hurt and may help lots. :)

[Queen of Poop]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me. :confused:

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings. :)


Thank you. I was NOT being sarcastic at all. Rather hard to do that when you're crying your face off. Today, Friday is the first day I feel even half alive again. I feel awful for losing my cool with her.

[BOBS DAD]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me. :confused:

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings. :)

I don't know what Stream of Consciousness is??? But you are correct that I should have read all of the posts before jumping into the discussion. If you looked to the very next posts you will see that I did just that...
OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good....


I guess what I meant to say was not "sarcasm" but rather I detected some some bitterness (not that it is not warranted) in Queen's original post and not total remorse for what has transpired (again - not that she should have). I only suggested that if she was sincere in any effort to reconcile and start over - Queen would have to let go of it. As Gini correctly points out - "we" being parents and step-parent "need to be the adult" and be bigger and perhaps swallow our pride in an effort to get back on track.


So now apparently she's had a problem with me for several months. Well sweetheart. From Feb 27 till May 9 I was fighting for my life with the lump in my left breast. I lost 1/3 of my breast, I'm a small girl, fortunately it wasn't cancer - yet. Sorry, Alex, if you weren't the centre of attention. Following that I've been nothing but happier than a pig in sh*&. Looking so forward to the holiday that she ruined by bawling for her mother. I totally blame her and her Aunt Dana for poisioning her against me. So my marriage will end on the comments of a 13 year old girl influenced by her 37 year old aunt. :mad: :mad: :mad:

Soon to be a 2 time loser.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now if I could only stop crying.

I am only saying that IMO in order to even attempt a reconciliation, an acceptance of what is (regardless of "how" it got that way) has to be in place and a realization that "she is 13" and is going to be a teenager for another 6 years. If my misuse of the noun "sarcasm" seemed totally inappropriate, I apologize. Hopefully Queen can get off on a new foot and begin the journey towards a more healthy relationship and long marriage!!!

[Queen of Poop]

So, here are the conditions under which I can rejoin my family. I would appreciate any comments.

1. I need to apologize to the kids. And they need to know that I love them, they're not so sure about this.

2. Hubby will find a family counsellor after holidays and the entire family will go.

3. After vacation he will continue to live at our lake house until we believe that our marriage is no longer in jeopardy and the kids feel happy and secure.

4. If I feel stressed out I must leave.

5. We must all enjoy the remainder of the vacation and be happy as individuals so we can be happy as a family.

[Logan]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

[BOBS DAD]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

I can't add anything more. I really believe Logan is right on with this advice - point by point. Perhaps you can broach these suggestions with your husband. Let's be fair now - he doesn't / shouldn't get an automatic pass on all of this. For God's sake you two are MARRIED - he needs to be in it with you - to and through the end!!!

[BOBS DAD]

OK...

Maybe "I" should just keep my mouth shut BUT...

I've gone back to work and just couldn't get this out of my head. I am sorry but "NOBODY" should be putting out any "TERMS" to "GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY"!!! A family has to be "A FAMILY" through thick and thin. That is just not right. Again, we are only seeing/hearing/reading a brief glimpse into what you are going through and certainly do not know all the details, but hopefully "these terms" were not spelled out for you just as you have relayed them to us.

A MARRIAGE is a partnership. Nobody is or should be a DICTATOR. Hopefully after some cooling off "You and Your Husband" will be able to sit down and talk this through and AGREE on an appropraite plan or course of action for reconciliation "that meets EVERONE'S needs".

Good luck!!!

[K9soul]

OK...

Maybe "I" should just keep my mouth shut BUT...

I've gone back to work and just couldn't get this out of my head. I am sorry but "NOBODY" should be putting out any "TERMS" to "GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY"!!! A family has to be "A FAMILY" through thick and thin. That is just not right. Again, we are only seeing/hearing/reading a brief glimpse into what you are going through and certainly do not know all the details, but hopefully "these terms" were not spelled out for you just as you have relayed them to us.

A MARRIAGE is a partnership. Nobody is or should be a DICTATOR. Hopefully after some cooling off "You and Your Husband" will be able to sit down and talk this through and AGREE on an appropraite plan or course of action for reconciliation "that meets EVERONE'S needs".

Good luck!!!

I have to say I agree with this. The "terms" just leave a bad taste in my mouth, as if only you are to work on these issues and any compromising. I'm sure apologies are in order but not just from you. I'm sure they are owed on the part of everyone to some degree. I also really, really think that him staying at the other house is not going to help work anything out. It seems to me that he will be giving the kids the message that you are "the wrong one" and have to earn your way back to the family. I don't really know if that is how he intended it to sound, but from what you write here that is the impression I get. It takes compromise and better understanding on EVERYONE'S part in these situations. No one should have "terms" spelled out for them to follow, but instead mutual agreements made..

Just my opinion.

[Lizzie]

What I get from your post about the guidelines is that you are extremely bitter about your being seen by your husband as the "outsider" to his family. While counselling for the whole family is a good idea and, hopefully, will give you the pleasure of seeing your husband and step-daughter queried on their behavior, I feel that you need your own counselor. You are not going to be able to vent, as you really need to at this time, at the family counselling meetings without being seen as the aggressive outsider, so a time to say what you please about the family you have married into would be a welcome relief to you. There is a lot of anger in you that needs to come out before family counselling can heal the breaches. This is all IMHO, of course.

If you follow the guidelines of your husband staying at the cabin and your leaving if you lose your cool again, you are being punished for what is actually a family problem and it may well be seen by your step-daughter as a victory.

I am also a step-daughter, to give some background. Amazingly, gini and I share the same age when we lost our mothers and we were both sent to live with a maternal aunt and uncle. Unfortunately, my father re-married when I was 3-1/2, and my world turned into a nightmare. I was a very difficult teenager also - not overtly, but quietly. Decades later, my step-mother tries to talk to me in a confidential way, but the opportunity for us to be close was lost long ago. If she had opened up, apologised for her irrational temper tantrums, psychogical games, etc., it might have relieved my anxiety and created a bond that lasted. Being a step-child is scary and makes a child feel destablished.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

Being a step-child is scary and makes a child feel destablished.
I couldn't agree more! I think it's specially hard if one of your parents has died. You are afraid the new step parent will take your only remaining parent away too! :(

[Logan]

I was so quick to respond to the actual "terms" you posted, I didn't concentrate on the fact that you had been dealt terms to start with. Is that what happened? Or is this what the two of you agreed to, together? There is an enormous difference in him dictating or the two of you coming up with these things together. I hope the latter is the case.

(((((((((Queen))))))))))) I think you need those most of all right now.

Logan

[catnapper]

Wow, I hd no idea this fight led to such drastic measures... I honestly thought you were being emotional from the fight and FELT like your marriage was ending, not that it turly WAS. ((hugs))

As for appologising: You can, and it might help, but seriously, I hope your SD is appologising for her part in it too. I highly doubt she will applogise though! Hubby needs to step in and do all the talking. and create a united front (much easier said than done, especially since half the time my hubby and I aren't on a united front!)

I remember some of my big fights with Ashley. I remember clearly her folding her arms and staring at the floor when we'd have a "family meeting". I told her that no matter what she does/did, that I'd still be here. I'm not going anywhere, so her actions will NOT push me away, no matter WHAT she'd do, I was there. I married her dad, but I also married her and her siblings. I am there beause I love all of them. A whole package. If she felt unloved, then what was it I needed to change to make her feel loved? What could I do to help her see I cared? I never did get and answer from her on those questions. In the end, what worked for Ashley was getting pregnant at 18... wow was that a wakeup call! She finally saw that I was serious all along and that I'd support her regardless what happens.

Gosh, I wish hubby would have agreed to counseling way back in the beginning. We needed it. but he felt counseling was a "joke" when everyone needed to "stop acting like idiots" :rolleyes: He did nothing to help the situation between Ashley and me. He basically let us go at each other and said "talking to her will help" How do you talk to a brick wall? It was so bad around here that for the past year, we basically lived in the same house and had nothing to do with the other. No goodmorning or goodnight. She lived here and occupied space while I tried to tip toe around her. I can't tell you how amazing its been since she got pregnant... I always figured she'd realize I loved her once she had kids of her own. I never imagined she'd be a teen mom!

~~~~~

I see things I did when we were newly married and I know I'd do them VERY differently today. I came in and tried to make things MY way. How awful of me! They'd been used to their routine forver and I came in and turned things inside out! I am so sorry I did that. Why did I do it? Basically, I have no diea! I guess I felt it was my house and I had to carve my space in it? Make THEIRS into OURS? I don't know. I do know I regret some of the things I did to make changes to proove I was here. This is probably where Ashley's annimosity started. She was used to her role in the family and I came along and stripped her of her identity within the home. I didn't even explain why I was doing it or gave her the option to defend her role.. I just stripped her of it without realizing what I was doing. I can see where that would hurt a 13 year old (heck, it would hurt me as a 33 year old!)

I feel your pain. I was there and its still raw at times. I have a MUCH better relationship with Ashley now that she has the baby, but I still have a rocky one with my stepson. We'll get there some day, when something happens that makes him realize I care just like Ashley did. then I have the third stepkid who has always been my buddy. Go figure :p

I hope this novel helped you a little ((Hgus))

[Queen of Poop]

The terms were dictated to me by my husband. I have agreed to them on the principle that we as a family need counselling. I have been pushing this for years to no avail. I myself have been seeing a counsellor but without the rest of the family doing the same I felt my efforts were futile. If this were a new situation it would be easy to figure it out. But I've been around since the kids were 6 and 8 (currently 13 and 15). So why there are issues now I can only put it to them being teenagers. I have done all I can for these kids every time. Example: to encourage better grades in my step-son I agreed to pay him $100 if he made the honor roll. But that he'd have to pay me the same if he didn't make it. Out of 3 terms he only made it once, so he paid me. Their mom is still very much in the picture, we sit together at kid hockey games, dance recitals, family dinners, etc. She does need to stop begging the kids, especially the daughter, not to leave her to come for her time with us, that is not helping.

I thank everyone so much for their input. It is really great to hear the different sides, the step parents and the step kids. Life is never easy, but it helps to have good friends to give you constructive feedback.

[caseysmom]

I wish you good luck with this situation. None of us can say what is right for you. Follow your heart, just remember even when they are your biological children the teen years can be rough. Just remember this will pass, if you love your husband it will be worth going through all this.

[Daisy and Delilah]

Sorry for my two cents but I also agree with Dan and Jess. Why are you being dictated to as if you are the one with all the problems and everyone else is immune to that? You seem to have accepted that you're the only one at fault also. Don't be so hard on yourself-it does seem as if every body involved needs to come to the negotiating table and explain their part in this. You can't be all to blame. (((((HUGS)))))

[Catty1]

Hi, QOP - I am away next week...but just out here in Cochrane.

You said you have got counselling for yourself, and I'm glad to hear that. I hope your hubby agrees to do the family counselling and hold up his end of the bargain.

I am sure you have checked - is there a stepfamily support group of some kind in Calgary? In addition to professional help, sometimes it is great to meet other people in the same boat. Just like some of the folks here, only you can do it in person!

GOOD LUCK!

hugs
Catty1

[lizbud]

I don't know what Stream of Consciousness is??? But you are correct that I should have read all of the posts before jumping into the discussion. If you looked to the very next posts you will see that I did just that...



Stream of consciousness is
.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

I did indeed read read the next postings. That was my whole point. You
would not have had to apologize later on for what you said earlier.

I thing I've really learned a little about the problems faced by step parents
and children. I've never been in that situation and had no idea how rough
it could be in blending familyies.

[BOBS DAD]

Stream of consciousness is
.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

I did indeed read read the next posting. That was my whole point. You
would not have had to apologize later on for what you said earlier.

Point well taken!

I learned something to. I guess you see sitcoms on the subject and think, "ah, it can't be that bad".

No... it can be worse apparently!!!

[Queen of Poop]

So I spent the last 4 days at the lake with my family. I made my apology and that went ok. Then this morning I'm told by hubby that nothing has changed, that he will not reconsider our separation. I'm hurt, crushed, etc. My confidence is so far down the toilet I'm not sure it will come back up. We entertained his whole family yesterday so last night I took Sasha to bed and had a little quiet, unwind time. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. He's mad over that. Honestly, doggie and I had a full day and we needed just to be cuddly and quiet. I can't do anything right. I need some advice on how to heal myself, rebuild my confidence and stop this incessant crying. I love him so much, I don't want to lose him, but I feel that I am. I need self confidence. I feel like such a wimp.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Gayle....I am so sorry for your pain. Perhaps a little breathing room for both of you....and the counseling...could be a good thing?

[caseysmom]

gee whiz okay I am getting mad now, he doesn't understand a little quiet time by yourself...for gods sake don't let him knock you down like that please.

[Karen]

You are a good person. Regardless of what he, or anyone around you thinks, you are a good person. You need to find it in yourself to acknowledge that.

You are The Queen of Poop! No one unworthy of love could be bestowed that honor, or so proclaim herself, right? A less noble person would think herself too prissy to deal with it, or too squeamish, but you are the Queen. Undaunted and fearless, you go places people who do not love animals as much would go.

You are the Queen. Let no one treat you otherwise.

You are a good person.

And we love you.

[Sevaede]

caseysmom and Karen said everything that I wanted to say.

*hug* :)

[gini]

I read your post and Karen's that followed last night. I didn't respond, but I woke up this morning thinking about you.

I really do not like the fact that your husband is calling all of the shots - and treating you this way. It sounds far too controlling and certainly doesn't set up a united front to deal with HIS kids.

Allow NO ONE to put you down or make you feel like a horrible person. Try to remember this - if you can - you know down deep that YOU ARE a good person.

If he makes you feel horrible - or the children do - then YOU ARE ALLOWING them to do this.

It sounds as though it is you against all of them - and I don't like that one bit.

It may take some intense family counselling (that's all of you) to unravel
what has happened here.

If I were in your situation, I sure would need some quiet time too. If he doesn't understand that.........then I really question who he is.

You are NOT a possession - you are his wife!

Forgive my bluntness please, this has really bothered me.

[Corinna]

Gini I was seeing the same thing.
QOP your relationship sounds like it's a toxic mix. Why did you first marry this man? you need to find that true answer and see if you REALLY feel the same way. I am seeing this same type of thing with my daughter , Please make sure you don't get pregnate to save the marraige that NEVER works (daughter starting to figure it out too late) . People grow and some times they don't grow at the same rate or some just stop . May I ask if he is older than you and how much so if so?
I beleive until death do us part but death can be the death of a relation ship. To me it sounds as if you are being mentally abused , you need to decide if you want this the rest of your life it won't get any better. You can survive this just look how far our Jess has come since leaving her relationship with Rob. You are the only one who can say enough is enough and think of your self.
PS I have been married to the same man for 27 years and have no step kids but we were being trained to be family councilers for our church before our move to Montana . We have not always been lovey dovey but we always went back to Why we got married and saw it was still why we wanted to be so. It made us go back and date to remind us of the why.

[Queen of Poop]

You are a good person. Regardless of what he, or anyone around you thinks, you are a good person. You need to find it in yourself to acknowledge that.

You are The Queen of Poop! No one unworthy of love could be bestowed that honor, or so proclaim herself, right? A less noble person would think herself too prissy to deal with it, or too squeamish, but you are the Queen. Undaunted and fearless, you go places people who do not love animals as much would go.

You are the Queen. Let no one treat you otherwise.

You are a good person.

And we love you.

Thank you. As I cry like a baby. He's taken his stuff and gone, now I'm alone.

[gini]

Thank you. As I cry like a baby. He's taken his stuff and gone, now I'm alone.

No you aren't - you have all of us - who care and will respond when you need us.

I know that this is a very difficult time for you - and my heart goes out to you.

[Queen of Poop]

Gini I was seeing the same thing.
QOP your relationship sounds like it's a toxic mix. Why did you first marry this man? you need to find that true answer and see if you REALLY feel the same way. I am seeing this same type of thing with my daughter , Please make sure you don't get pregnate to save the marraige that NEVER works (daughter starting to figure it out too late) . People grow and some times they don't grow at the same rate or some just stop . May I ask if he is older than you and how much so if so?
I beleive until death do us part but death can be the death of a relation ship. To me it sounds as if you are being mentally abused , you need to decide if you want this the rest of your life it won't get any better. You can survive this just look how far our Jess has come since leaving her relationship with Rob. You are the only one who can say enough is enough and think of your self.
PS I have been married to the same man for 27 years and have no step kids but we were being trained to be family councilers for our church before our move to Montana . We have not always been lovey dovey but we always went back to Why we got married and saw it was still why we wanted to be so. It made us go back and date to remind us of the why.

I married him because he spun a good yarn. He promised me the world, then changed his mind. Said I didn't deserve it. The relationship is very toxic, and I suppose some separation time could work out. He wants to date me, says we moved along too fast. We only dated 5 months before he moved in with me. He is 40, as am I. He's 3 months and 5 days younger than I. No chance on the pregnancy thing, I'm too old and too smart for that. He says I am too insecure and that is hurting us. If you've read the whole thread then you know that he's demanded family counselling. I intend to push for that to happen right fast. We all need it.

[Prairie Purrs]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I hope your husband goes through with the family counseling, and that it makes a real difference in your entire family's relationship. But if he backs out of counseling, or if he keeps insisting that everything wrong is your fault because you're too "insecure," then it doesn't sound like a relationship that you'd really want to continue.

I spent seven years in an emotionally wrenching relationship, during which my ex insisted that everything that was wrong between us was the result of my battles with chronic depression. And this was coming from someone who had been diagnosed as bipolar! He finally told me that he had to move out because my "insecurities" were causing him too much stress. Well, it turned out that he moved out because he was cheating on me and wanted to move in with the other woman.

I'm certainly not suggesting that your situation is the same. What I am saying is to watch out for anybody who tries to blame you for his relationship shortcomings. It's a cruel and selfish thing for someone to do.

[Queen of Poop]

No you aren't - you have all of us - who care and will respond when you need us.

I know that this is a very difficult time for you - and my heart goes out to you.


Thank you. Thank you so very, very much.

[K9soul]

My situation is really different in some ways.. but I am going through the death of my relationship with my husband, the man whom for 11 years I have felt was my soulmate. The pain is indescribable, excruciating, harder than anything I've gone through in my life. So I do feel I know a measure of the pain in your heart, the fear, insecurity, and devastation. If you need to talk, I'm only a PM away. You are in my thoughts, and in my prayers. Please hold onto the fact that you are a very special person, a worthy person, and deserving of the same kind of love you feel for your husband. You have us here at PT, and are not alone. Never forget that.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

REMEMBER: THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN BEING ALONE!!!

I've never been married but I've had a couple of near misses!!! Each time my engagements ended, I thought my life had too! Then I started remembering how they treated me or mistreated me and I realized if I never have another man in my life that treats me that way, I'll die a happy women!!!

I do NOT need someone in my life who constantly critizes me!
I do NOT need someone in my life who thinks they are better than me!
I do NOT need someone in my life who demands their own way all the time!
I do NOT need someone in my life who constantly puts others before me!
I WILL NOT have anyone in my life who abuses me or makes me feel less of myself than I am.

I had a friend whose father told her that "you are not better than anyone else on the planet but you are sure AS GOOD as they are!"

I tend to believe that now.

Heck, your husband should be grateful he has you! I'd have drop kicked him to the curb a long time ago!

By the way, both of the guys came back and wanted me to take them back; they got the door slammed in their faces !!!

[Catty1]

Here's a board I have posted on(the only other board I HAVE ever posted on). It is breakup support, and has good people on it...or I wouldn't have stayed there for two years.

Please check it out; like here, it is free, but you have to register. Or just post as a guest.

www.breakingup.net

Catty1

[gini]

Just dropped by this thread to check up on you today.

Even though in numbers we don't have that many women (under 10,000 isn't a huge number), but we sure do have a wide range of experiences that we are willing to share in order to help you.

I have been divorced now for a number of years and I cannot begin to tell you how special it is to be who I am - not what someone else wants me to be for them.

A dear male friend (who also was my ex's best friend) told me that my ex was one of the most selfish people he had ever known. Boy, does that ever stop you in your tracks. I thought about that long and hard - and realized that he was right. Just that one sentence helped me more than I could begin to tell you.

[Queen of Poop]

I'm at work today. Haven't had any crying fits, yet. Typed up the events of the fight and then what followed and sent it to my counselor. She can't see me for a while but I figured I'd better get her up to speed while it's all fresh in my mind. Also sent a copy to hubby, which he promptly dissed as crap, it just served to make him more angry. While I still love him very much, I spent some time this morning going over my last 3 years worth of calendars, as I track the fighting/drinking episodes. Way too many for the good of any relationship. I don't know which way to turn. He is supposed to be finding us a family counselor as per his conditions. Perhaps this can help us become one again, or allow me to finally see the light and end it. At this point I don't know what I want.

[Vela]

I don't like to offer advice in situations like this, but I honestly don't see counseling as any sort of help. He seems abusive emotionally, rude, and inconsiderate, and unless he is going to do a 180 in his attitude, I don't see a lot for your future with him. I feel really bad saying anything like that but just from what you have said that is how it appears. I wish you the best of luck, I'm sure it's very difficult, but you need to think about you too, not him. He obvoiusly isn't thinking about you and yoru feelings in this at all, so try to take care of yourself the best you can.

[carole]

Gayle i am so happy to hear you chose to have counselling by yourself for yourself, even though you think it is futile because the family is not involved ,from what i read and hear it is not, working on yourself can indeed change things, it only takes one person to make changes not necessarily two, i never believed that but there is really a ring of truth to it all, but i guess it depends on who you are dealing with, it is something Dr Phil swears by,when you make changes, others follow suit, they can't help but do so.

I still think that getting everyone involved would be a good move all the same, I don't mean to pry but is your husband demanding a separation because of problems with his children only,? and believe me they can cause many even if they are your own flesh and blood, there is usually more to it than that, lack of communication is often one of the biggest problems between people.

I have no experience of step children, infact i have been on the other side, i met and married my husband with a child already, and yes there were problems at times, i found myself always being very defensive over my son, which is probably what your hubby is doing, it is hard on both step-parent and natural parent,i can see it from both sides, even to this day and my son is all grown up and legally adopted at ten by my husband, i defend him or take things the wrong way, feel like hubby is getting at him,and favouring our daughter, one has to be careful not to ruin one's relationship over children, but it is so easily done.

I am very sad to hear how heavy your heart is right now and that you are suffering, i do hope things work out and hubby will put things into perspective a little, maybe you could even mention what i wrote above as i understand his position somewhat, but i also understand your's too.

Take care and keep up the counselling, you might find that this is the breaking point of your relationship with your husband, and even though at first it is not what you wanted, you might come round to thinking that it is for the best and what you do want, it sounds as though things have been a bit tough all round,whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best and hope you can find peace and happiness. HUGS.

[Queen of Poop]

I am so angry it's not funny. I knew HE'd do it. Recall earlier I posted here about his conditions. I fulfilled all of my part. I apologized to his kids, etc. Now when it comes to the counsellor that we were to see until all was well, it won't happen. He says that there is no time in the schedule. Guess he really doesn't care to put this back together any time soon. I've been spending every weekend with him and a few days of the week. He's put it all on me. It is all my fault. We live apart cause he and his kids don't know when I will freak out again. Well isn't that nice. All of the fights are my fault. Yep, my fault he kicked in our bedroom door. My fault he spit in my face. Probably my fault that he drinks 2-3 beer on his drive home every day. And yes, he drinks and drives, with passengers, me and/or the kids. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm still real angry. I don't know what to do now.

[K9soul]

Gayle, that's awful. Honestly I think what you need to do now is what is best for YOU, and from what you are saying this relationship does NOT sound like something that is good for you (or for anyone). You do NOT need to be treated that way. He really doesn't seem interested in putting any effort into this the way you have been :(. At the same time I know how difficult it is to think about "what next?" I feel particularly touched by all of this because I am going through the "death" of my marriage now... there are no easy answers, but I feel so much for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of YOU and do what you feel is best for yourself right now. You have really tried your hardest in all of this and it's not going to get anywhere without him working at it too.

[carole]

Gayle hon i think it is time to put yourself first and really ask yourself why you want to hang on to this relationship so much, I can only go by what you are telling us and your last post really worried me, the fact you are letting him take you and the kids in the car when he has been drinking, please don't let him to that to you, you are worth way more than that,he has no right to risk your life and others period.

If he is not prepared to take any responsibility for his part in this relationship folding then you are beating your head against a brick wall,until then honestly from what you say you are better off without him, but then that is easy for me to say, I am not you or in your shoes, i just want you to know that i really do feel for you and the situation you are in,only you can make the decision where to go from here, I wish you all the best and the courage you need to make the right decision for you.,but truthfully Gayle if any man spat in my face he would have been long gone, no-one has the right to abuse you that way.

Take care Hon and again all the best .

[Catty1]

The ANGRY stage! GOOD!

When you realize what crap you have been accepting and agreeing with...and the anger gives you energy to do the RIGHT thing.

You know what that is.

You'll leave - and years later, they'll still have the same problems. Because they have not tried to change...and YOU have.

You're the winner here, Gayle - I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

As some wise person said: "Time wounds all heels." :p

You go girl!

Catty1

[catnapper]

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine having it all dumped on my sholders. There's NO WAY its all your fault. It takes two to make a marriage and two to make the battles within it.

Once I was with a guy who made me feel like everything was my fault. I cried every night on my way home from his house. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and ate half a dozen donuts alone in the car during my ride home (crying and creme powdered donuts make curious companions on the road). Oh yeah, that was one happy relationship :rolleyes: I was desperate to get out but couldn't bring myself to admit I made a mistake and chose the wrong man. The day he finally ended it, I cried.... tears of relief. I was free. It was amazing. I knew I was released to find the right guy who would treat me right and love me the way I was meant to be loved. Like Gini, 6 months later he came back for me. I told him that he didn't want me then, why shold he think he wants me now? Boy was that empowering!

If your marriage is over, then let it die and be free to find happiness on your own. If its not over, then fight for something you truly believe in and find a way to make it work.

I tell you, honestly, if I knew step parenting was going to be this hard I'd have run before the first date. Nobody has a clue as to how hard it is to be a step parent until they've been there. Its not just you and your spouse in the relationship... its you, the kids, and the ex. Its hard enough to keep a marriage going with just two people working together, but it gets even trickier with others stepping in. (((HUGS)))