king2005
05-19-2006, 01:25 PM
THE NEW DARWIN AWARDS:
Honorable Mentions:
According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game
of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In Guthrie, Oklahoma,, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
RUNNER - UP:
TACOMA, WA - - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham "is that God was watching out
for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves poop
happens."
=============
Everything in good time and place. Read on!!
The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of
a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and
easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so
that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you
all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your
first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech
firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand
selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries
it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he
sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home
that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every
day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to
transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he
sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato
business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking
night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling
tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a
fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two
tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put
hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that
the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for
his e-mail
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess
with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where
you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago
I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably
closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
========
Honda Video (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php)
========
Subject: How much Water?
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Sh!!!t dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
========
Honorable Mentions:
According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game
of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In Guthrie, Oklahoma,, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
RUNNER - UP:
TACOMA, WA - - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham "is that God was watching out
for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves poop
happens."
=============
Everything in good time and place. Read on!!
The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of
a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and
easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be
hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so
that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you
all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your
first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech
firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand
selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries
it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he
sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home
that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every
day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to
transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he
sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two
sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato
business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking
night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling
tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a
fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two
tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put
hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that
the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for
his e-mail
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess
with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where
you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago
I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably
closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
========
Honda Video (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php)
========
Subject: How much Water?
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Sh!!!t dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
========