I just wanted to tell you that I lost my dog Kelly Saturday morning at 3 am.
She had been struggling with pyometra for the last couple of weeks. The vet gave her several treatments with medicine but at the end there was no other solution but to remove the uterus or to have her put down. She was about 13 years old, diabetic and underweight.. and the vet warned me several times that she might not survive the surgery. But I still wanted to give it a go, and at about ten o’clock, Friday morning she was spayed. She did however survive the surgery and I firmly believed that now everything was going to be all right. But at 12 am she went into shock. She couldn’t stand on her legs and her mouth was dry and extremely cold.
I rushed her to the first vet I can get a hold of, and he tries to get some fluid into her body. But nothing works and she just gets worse and worse. At 3 am, right before I finally realise that there is nothing more we can do for her, she takes one last deep breath and then goes silent. The vet said it might have been her diabetes which caused her to go into shock, or it could have been some internal bleeding.
I can’t explain the pain and tremendous guilt I’ve felt these last days. I really hate myself for making her last day so traumatic and painful. First with the surgery. A huge scar on her fragile body. Then for letting her lying there for hours in shock, whilst I was holding on to a ego centred, microscopic hope that she would miraculously pull through. I could tell she was petrified while she laid there. I don’t know if she knew I was there.. or if she even cared. Sometimes while I was trying to comfort her, I could see her eyes where half open. Just like she used to do when she was being scratched somewhere she really enjoyed. I hope she was trying to tell me she still loved me. I really need to believe that she didn’t blame me for making her go through this.
I just don’t know anymore.. I miss her so much. I keep hearing her claws click on the floor and last night I thought I heard her name tag rattle against her collar. I find it difficult to sleep because I can’t hear her snoring anymore right beside me.
Tomorrow I am going to London with my classmates.. But I simply can't look forward to it. I had planned to visit every pet shop I could find.. but now there will be too many bad memories attached..
But I guess I’ve learnt something from all of this. Spay your dogs while they are young or while their health is good. Kelly wasn’t officially my dog until she was about 9. I asked the vet about spaying her back then but even then the risk of dying while in surgery was too high for me to handle. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself for being so stupid. I should have known this would eventually happen. I should have paid more attention and thought further out into the future. Instead I sweep it under the carpet and now I have been forced to face the consequences.
.. I guess that was all I had to say. Sorry it got so long.. I know I’m still very new to these boards.. But I just felt if I was going to post more regularly I had to tell you about this first.
Thank you for your time..
-Varga
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