I don't know what inspired me to write this... its gory and gross, but it will get better. I promiseOh, and it doesn't have a name, so suggestions are appreciated.
It was my first day back. All eyes were on me. I mean all eyes. I had been gone for about three weeks, and they had all noticed. I walked to homeroom with my head down, not wanting to be seen. I knew I had marks on my face, and they all just HAD to know.
"Kersey? Hey! Welcome back!" said the cheery, Pippy-Longstocking voice of Eliza, a girl I used to be friends with.
"Yes, Eliza, I'm back." I said sarcastically, really wishing she would leave me alone for once. I looked up at her. She was so beautiful. A small petite frame of about 105 pounds, she was so pretty. My 125 pound body looked like one huge ball of fat.
"Wanna walk to class with me, Kersey?" Eliza asked, again in the Pippy Longstocking voice.
"Sure." I said. I was famous for my one-word answers.
"Where were you, Kersey? We were all worried about you. Were you in the hospital?" she asked, touching my shoulder. I shook her arm off me.
"Yeah." I lied. She didn't need to know, she would only make it worse.
It seemed like forever, but we finally reached my homeroom and Eliza went further down the hall. Mrs. Finnigan, my homeroom teacher, pulled me outside the classroom once class started.
"Kersey, I was just wondering how you are feeling, we got word that you were in the hospital." she said, reaching for my shoulder. What was it with people and trying to make me feel better by touching me?
I again backed off. "I'm fine. Okay? I don't want to talk about it." I said walking back inside.
"What did Fin want?" Oliva asked as I sat back down.
"She was being a pest. Wanted to know what happened. Please promise me you won't tell." I said looking at her. Again, she was one of the people I admired. She was a slim 95 pounds, and she looked gorgeous. I knew how she got that small. She was anorexic. She didn't admit it, but I knew it. She still wasn't happy with her body, and was still trying to lose weight. I still thought she was beautiful.
"I won't speak a word, Kers. You can trust me." She said, smiling her beautiful smile. For the first time in three weeks, I smiled back.
Homeroom ended, and Olivia and I walked to Chemistry. By the time we got there, class had almost started. Olivia grabbed a seat next to me and class started. I wasn't in the mood for paying attention so I glanced at everyone around the room.
There was Jeremy, a friend of mine. He sent me a wink, while trying not to be caught. I winked back, to let him know I saw him.
Then I saw Alexis, another skinny friend of mine. She was a meare 100 pounds, and so pretty. She smiled to me, and I waved a tiny wave back. Next to her was James, her boyfriend she's had for two years. Two years is a long time. Compared to Chad and I, two weeks was too long.
It was a long story. Chad and I thought we were the perfect couple, no one could tear us apart. He was serious in this relationship, I wasn't serious enough, apparently. He was pressuring me to do things I didn't want to do. He even told me he would kill me once because I refused for almost the 10th time to go to all the way.
The threats just escalated. He hit me a few times, and gave me a black eye. I told my parents I got in a fight at school. I hated them anyway, I didn't want them prying into my business.
Chad and I went to a party and he ended putting a date rape drug into my soda. I never drank, so I knew it tasted funny before the effects came along. That was the night he raped me.
I went to school the following day, not talking to anyone except Olivia. I was kinda fuzzy on what happened, but I knew whatever he did wasn't good. At the end of the day, I walked to Olivia's house with her. I sat in the kitchen and told her what happened. By the end I had cried a few times, and I made her swear not to tell. She did force me to go to a doctor though. The doctor then recommended me to a rehibilitation center for girls who have been raped. I was forced to go, whether I liked it or not.
I went and I hated it. I couldn't stand all the preppy girls that were there. I began to cut myself, on my arms, my legs, my stomach, anywhere where it could easily be covered. They soon found out, as they always do, and they moved me to a secure facility, with cameras in every room, and about every 20 feet down the hallway. That's where I met April, a girl the same age, who had the exact same problems. She was the one who made me decide to stop cutting. April and I quit together and got released together. She went back to school out in California and I got stuck back here in Washington. I never got a hold of her again.
Now, Chad got charged, but he got released from prison. Having sexual assault on his record means nothing to him. He still won't leave me alone.
I came home that day and noticed no one was home. I snuck into my mom's desk and stole her scissors. I grabbed my backpack and went up to my room. I tossed my bag on the bed and looked at the scissors and smiled. I sat at my desk and rolled up my sleeve. I looked at the untouched scars that ran across my arm. I rubbed my fingers against them, making them sting a little with pain.
I opened the scissors and held them close to my wrists. I heard a car door. I dropped the scissors and hid them underneath my bed. If my parents knew I had the scissors in my room they would send me back to the fricken mental hospital.
I shoved them farhter underneath my bed and took out my homework. I had to make it look like nothing had happened. My mom came upstairs.
"Kersey? Have you seen my scissors? I had them in my desk this morning..." She said, her voice trailing off as she glanced around the room.
"I think Adam took them. Go ask him." I said, casually going back to doing my homework. She looked at me carefully and went over to Adam's room. I took a deep breath. I closed my book and listened until I heard my mom's footsteps down the stairs.
I pulled out the scissors and touched the cold metal to my skin. I remembered the sensation of the first time I cut. It was so painful, but it was like heaven. I was anxious. I carefully slid the blade across my skin and watched the red appear from nowhere. It slowly trailed a path down my wrist and onto the desk. I was unaware of the pool of blood until I started feeling dizzy. I looked down and tried to find something to wipe it up with. I quick grabbed some kleenex I had lying around. I threw them in the trash quickly making up the excuse that I had a bloody nose if anyone asked.
I walked downstairs, trying to get the dizziness to wear off. It was dinner time, and my mom came up to me, telling me she was just going to call me down. I sat down in my spot and looked at the food. Spaghetti. The red sauce made me really queasy.
"Mom? I need to use the bathroom." I said as I got up. I rested my hands on the cold porcelin of the sink in the bathroom and closed my eyes. It had been so long since the last time I cut and it was really making me feel sick. I splashed some cold water on my face and dried my face off on a towel.
I slowly walked back to the kitchen and sat back down. I didn't eat any of my spaghetti, I just told my mom I didn't feel good, and I went back upstairs. I sat on my bed and tried doing my homework. I had a really bad headache so I tossed my books on the floor and took a nap.
I woke up again and it was almost 9:30. I looked at the sleeve of my hoodie. There was a small bloodstain but luckily it had stopped bleeding. I looked at the blood covered scissors. They were practically walking towards me. I grabbed them again and reopened my wound, feeling the pain surging through my body again. I enjoyed this pain. I really did. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, there were tears on my cheeks.
The next morning I came to school happier than ever. I had regained my cutting addiction and it made me feel better about myself. I had again this morning, and I could still feel a small twinge of pain everytime I moved my wrist. Olivia noticed my sudden increase in joyfulness. I also noticed she looked pale and about ready to pass out.
"Olivia, meet me outside during lunch okay? Under the elm tree." I said, hurrying to class.
Lunch seemed to come really slowly, but when it did come, I raced downstairs to the lunch room. Olivia was waiting for me, pretending to be eating a hot pretzel. I pulled her by her arm and brought her closer to me.
"Olivia, talk to me. Now." I said angrily. Now I was more than angry. Her anorexia needed to stop now.
"What?? What's going on?" she asked, putting the uneaten pretzel back on her tray.
"Olivia, I know. I know about your eating habits. You cannot live your life like this." I said.
"Like what? I'm fine." she said.
"Olivia! Stop it! I know you have an eating disorder. You never eat. You need to eat, Olivia, you're sick." I said. I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes.
She shook my hand off her. "I'm fine." she said.
She walked away and didn't talk to me the rest of the day. I felt the uncontrolable need to cut. I had one chance.
Art class came around at about 2:30. The teacher asked me to go get some scissors from the storage room. I told her I would, then set off across the school. I made it a quick trip, so I could "borrow" a pair and sneak off to the bathroom. I sat in the stall and pulled up my sleeve. I cut my arm twice, and wrapped some toilet paper around the two cuts. I hurried back to class and pretended nothing happened.
I went home and cut a few times, then my phone rang. I grabbed some kleenex to cover the wound and looked at the Called ID. It was Olivia.
"Hello?" I asked calmly.
It was Olivia's mom.
"Kersey, please come quick. Olivia passed out... something's seriously wrong! She's at the hospital, please come quickly!" She practically screamed into my ear. She hung up. I had to go, Olivia's mom was a single parent, and she and I were as good of friends as Olivia and I were.
I ran downstairs and grabbed my jacket.
"Mom, Olivia's in the hospital. I need a ride over there NOW." I said demandingly. She looked at me. I could see the fear. She knew how close we were.
She drove, practically driving over the speed limit, to the St. Josephine hospital, about a fifteen minute drive from my house. She kept looking over at me, expecting me to tell her what happened. Finally she just asked.
"What happened to her?" she asked, putting her hand on my knee. Again, people touching me? I didn't want to talk about it. I knew what it was, but I also knew that if I opened my mouth to talk about it, I would begin crying.
"She's anor--" I cut off. I couldn't say it. I didn't want it to be true. "Anorexic." I sputtered, looking out the window so she couldn't see me cry. The tears slowly spilled out the corners of my eyes, like little waterfalls. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Olivia's mom couldn't see me crying. I wiped the tears onto my sleeves and looked at the small stain. More tears began pouring out of my eyes. I couldn't help but think this was all my fault. Olivia had warned me not to cut anymore. And I did. Now she was dying.
My face burned with the warm tears that kept coming. We finally reached the parking lot and I ran out of the car. I ran into the cool and calm lobby, everyone looking at me. 'The poor, poor, fat girl who cuts herself...' the voices said to me. I shook my head, trying to make the tiny voices go away and then walked up to the nurse at the desk.
"Olivia Holmes room, please." I said, impatiently tapping my fingers on the desk.
"Room 269." she said in a cheery voice. I rolled my eyes at her and ran to the nearest elevator.
"Come on... come on!" I said, pounding the little white up button. Finally it opened.
Once I got to Olivia's room, her mom came over and hugged me.
"She's so, so sick, Kersey." she said, holding my hands and looking at me with her red, teary eyes. I looked back at her, and I couldn't help it, but the tears fell anyway. She was the only person who I let touch me.
I walked over to Olivia's bedside.
"Olivia? Can you hear me?" I said, touching her soft, blonde hair. She was not responding. She had tubes hooked up to her here and there, and she was on some sort of breathing machine. As mean as it sounds, I couldn't stand looking at her that way.
I sat in the chair closest to the window and looked out. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't be here. I told Olivia's mom I had to leave and told her to call me later if she needed. I walked out in the hall and began walking home.
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