Should I talk to my co-workers wife about his depression, anxiety, ADHD?

**Tonya** · 11-09-2003, 09:22 AM

My co-worker, Dave is 50 years old. He has the most severe case of ADHD that I have ever seen in an adult. I can sit here and tell you stories that'd blow you all away. ADHD people often have additional problems. Dave's are anxiety and depression.

This guy is so miserable to work with. Forty guys have refused to work with him. Everyone hates him. I am stuck with him because I am the only person that tolerates him. The bosses would love to see him fired.

All day long he talks about strange paranoid things. He thinks the whole company is out to get him. He hates each and every person, place, or thing for one reason or another. He totally makes dangerous mistakes all day long because of his anxiety and ADD. This guy literally will drive 80 MPH to the job site throw his truck into park and RUN to the telephone pole. That is how much of a spaz he is. We are in construction, our job is never that urgent. He is so hateful that it is unbelievable.

Anyways, I am pretty close to Dave. I've tried talking to him about this stuff. I've been honest. Told him that I am on the verge of killing him and he really needs to seek help. He says that he was diagnosed some time ago, but if he made it 50 years, why get help now?

I've hung out with his wife 4-5 times. Her and I hit it off and she's very personable. So, even though we aren't close, I think I'd feel ok talking to her about Dave. -You know how some men are...their wives have to force them to see doctors and whatnot.

So, do I mind my own business or say something?

**micki76** · 11-09-2003, 09:55 AM

Honestly, I think you should inform your boss of the dangerous mistakes that Dave’s been making and force him to force Dave to either get help or put him on a leave of absence until he gets help. It’s not your responsibility to talk to his wife and quite honestly; she lives with him and must know how he is. She should know even better than you, and if she hasn’t forced him to get help by now then she either can’t or won’t.

If your boss won’t force Dave to do anything, I’d call OSHA. My Father worked in the construction field for years and I know that any small mistake can mean disaster, so I would demand that something be done.

**mugsy** · 11-09-2003, 10:13 AM

I would tell the boss of the dangers, but, I would continue to talk to him and tell him that you are only doing this because you genuinely like him. I teach with a woman who had ADD and 2 of her sons have ADD. She is one of the best teachers in the school. She has said that she has learned to deal with it and takes meds. I have another adult "friend" who makes me nuts because he is incredibly stupid about his ADD and he's a jerk. There are 2 extremes. How about finding out about some meds that work for adults with ADD or ADHD and tell him about them and ask him to try them for 1 month and see if he can tell a difference and if he says ok then ask him about how he feels in a month and if he says the meds aren't working, then drop it and he'll have to deal with the consequenses.

**Twisterdog** · 11-09-2003, 01:25 PM

I'm sure his wife knows, better than anyone else, what he is like.

**Tonya** · 11-09-2003, 01:47 PM

Yes, but perhaps she doesn't know how well the medications work. I'm thinking that if I tell her about how against meds I was for my son; and now that I finally medicated him, how much better his quality of life is, maybe it'll help.

Also, my boss and co-workers have worked with him for 25 years. They all know how he is. They no longer give a care if he just snaps one day or loses his job because of a stupid mistake. This guy has made alot of enemies because he is so hateful and highstrung.

**RICHARD** · 11-09-2003, 01:51 PM

Tonya,

talk to him.......IF he is thinking that the rest of the employees are 'out to get' him he's in a place where he pretty doesn't trust the world.......

You work at an occupation where trust is the first thing you look at in a co-worker....you cannot put yourself at a disadvantage while doing a job...

Sit him down and talk to him...get the feel of where you can go with this.....because he 'confides' in you about his feelings it shows he has some trust in you..you may be able to get him to seek help.

trust your feelings tho...you'll see where the limits are...

p.s. about his wife...she MAY be so used to his outlook that
she tosses up her hands and says SO BE IT.....so she MAY have given up trying to get him help...

**Tonya** · 11-11-2003, 07:06 AM

Ok, he grabbed my butt at work yesterday. Now, I don't give a crap what he thinks. That totally disgusted me and made me mad. He's 50 and I'm 25.

**moosmom** · 11-11-2003, 07:11 AM

Tonya,

While I voted to mind your own business, that was BEFORE I saw your post about grabbing your butt. Talk to him. Tell him if it happens again, you're going to your boss to file a sexual harassment complaint.

I don't care how old he is, you just don't go around grabbing people's private parts.

**micki76** · 11-11-2003, 08:56 AM

Ok, now you have to talk to the higher-ups. This could get really serious, Tonya. Please take action.

**carole** · 11-11-2003, 03:57 PM

Tonya sounds like he has mistaken your friendship for something else, he has read something into it that is not there, silly stupid man, he has now allienated the only friend he had.

ADHD or not this does not excuse this behaviour, nip it in the bud, tell him how you feel,and seriously tell him you will file a complaint regarding it, if it ever happens again.

There are just some people you cannot help, no matter how hard you try.

I have a grown nephew with ADD, he was diagnosed late at 14, and had meds for a while, I believe he no longer does, he has completed a degree in information technology,(computers) and is a really good guy, and a good citizen, so not everyone turns out to be like this guy, maybe its not just his ADHD that is his problem, maybe its just his personality altogether.

If he is like this at work, just imagine what he is like at home,and what is wife is putting up with, you could try approaching her, but she probably has had enough anyhow.

**Tonya** · 11-11-2003, 06:26 PM

I think on top of the ADHD, Dave is going through mid-life crisis...He just had a 50th birthday and I think he wonders if he still has it in him.

I lost my temper with him when he did that. I said all kinds of mean things. Which I really don't care. I was so disgusted that I almost wasn't going to tell you guys. I didn't want to tell my boss what happened because that was the first time that has happened to me, and he'd lose his job in a heartbeat for that. I just asked my boss if he can not put me with him anymore. My boss asked why and I told him that we clash badly.

**dukedogsmom** · 11-11-2003, 06:55 PM

Your employer needs to know about him. He sounds like a time bomb. People like that are the ones that bring guns to work and take people out with them. You are great to care about him but you've got to look out for yourself, as well. Plus, if he does make mistakes on the job, it could put a lot of other people in danger they didn't even know they were in.

**micki76** · 11-11-2003, 07:07 PM

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
Your employer needs to know about him. He sounds like a time bomb. People like that are the ones that bring guns to work and take people out with them. You are great to care about him but you've got to look out for yourself, as well. Plus, if he does make mistakes on the job, it could put a lot of other people in danger they didn't even know they were in.

Exactly. Plus this may not be the 1st time he done this to a woman. I'm utterly disgusted and it didn't even happen to me. If you keep this incident under wraps he may try to turn it around on you if you ever have a conflict in the future.

**catlady1945** · 11-11-2003, 09:15 PM

Sounds very dangerous. Go to your boss immediately.

**Tonya** · 11-11-2003, 10:59 PM

I know. And I feel like a hyporcrite because that is the advice I gave someone else not to long ago. (I don't remember who or the thread, sorry.) It's just that every other time I've had a serious talk with the guys at work, they've listened. His other flaws were possibly tolerable, but touching me certainly isn't. He really caught me off guard. But on the same line, it is really difficult being the only female at work. I'd hate to start a holy war because then my good buddies will be paranoid around me. I'm just going to wait it out and see if my boss really keeps him from me. I have a notebook that I document everything in anyways.