When previous owners make you feel bad

[Kirsten]

Has anyone else experienced this?

As you know, I've got Lily from a friend this year. He's been a good friend for years but due to some personal issues, we've lost touch more than 4 years ago. I met him again earlier this year, and he has a family now.

When I told them I was planning to get a second kitty for Luna, he told me their cat was pregnant and I could have one of the kittens. So far, so good.

The kittens were born in May, and it's been only two. It's been the third litter the mommy cat has had and it has always been two. When the first two litters have been adopted, the siblings stayed together. For me, it was without question that I would adopt only one, first because my landlords wouldn't be too happy about more than two cats here, and after all, I wanted a play mate for Luna. I decided to take the little girl, Lily. My friend then decided he would keep the boy, Baghira.

I noticed that my friend wasn't too happy about the entire arrangement, I guess he would have loved to keep them both. His wife and I told him that none of the cats would be alone, Lily would be with Luna, and the boy would stay with the mommy cat. As we all know, Luna and Lily became best of friends, while the mommy cat cut down the bonds between herself and her son when he got older.

All the time my friend made remarks about that, half-jokingly of course, but I know it has a serious background. I felt this putting a strain on my relationship to Lily, and I did not call them very often anymore.

Now today, I talked to him on the phone because I wanted to invite them to my birthday party, and he mentioned that Baghira would obviously suffer and feel unhappy. I wanted to know why and he told me he was peeing in the sink. I told him many cats would do that, and that it might stop once he's neutered, but he's convinced that he's missing Lily.

I'm really beginning to think I've made a mistake to adopt a kitten from somebody I know - geez, he's acting like one of these mothers that gave her baby up for adoption and then never get over it! And as far as I'm concerned, I feel I don't get a chance to really bond with Lily. Till this day, I still feel so much closer to Luna, and I feel bad about it. I even thought about giving Lily back to them, but that wouldn't be fair. This is her home now and she had adjusted to this place, and to Luna and me. And I guess also Luna would miss her little sis, so I have no other choice but to talk to him again (I already did, but it didn't help).

I'm sorry, I know this was long!

Kirsten

[bisi.cat]

Kirsten,
the comments of that previous owner of Lily shouldn't really bother you...each life is unpredictable and it's not in your hands what has happened to that other cat...maybe instead of accusing others the owner should give more care and concern to the remaining cat...
You've given Lily a wonderful home and she's loved not only by you, but also by Luna...they match perfectly and they just belong together...I don't think that the owner's cat would be any different if Lily would be still with him...
Just try not to be bothered too much by such comments, instead enjoy your life with your wonderful cats...

[catlady1945]

The bigger question is - why is his cat pregnant constantly? The jerk wouldn't have to give up the kittens if he spayed his cat.

[stacwase]

I don't understand why he is so upset!

Does he seriously think that his cat is doing all of these things because he misses his sister?? I would say that most cats are separated from their siblings at a very early age! It doesn't lead to depression or bad behavior!

Even in the wild, male cats just don't hang around after they reach a certain age. They go off looking for mates! They don't hang around with Mom, Dad, and Sister and have sit down family dinners!

Maybe your friend has some other issues he needs to deal with?

[moosmom]

My first question is WHY DOESN'T THAT JERK OF A FRIEND OF YOURS GET HIS CAT SPAYED AND THE MALE NEUTERED??

Does he also know that by allowing BOTH cats to go unneutered and unspayed, he is contributing to INBREEDING???

STUPID PEOPLE!!!! Tell him to be a responsible pet owner, get his damn cats fixed and quit making you feel guilty about giving his unwanted kitten a great home.

Tell him to GET A LIFE!!

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Kirsten, I really sympathise. It's hard when something threatens a friendship, but at the end of the day you have got to do what's best for you, and for Lily and Luna . I agree with the other responses - this guy does NOT sound like a responsible pet owner! Lily is much better off with you! As far as cats missing their siblings..take a look around Pet Talk - VERY few of the families of cats here are from the same litter, and for the most part, they all get along.


Please TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AND TELL ME THESE TWO DON'T BELONG TOGETHER - IT'S A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN!!!

[Barbara]

Baghira has long forgotten that he had a sister.
IF you gave Lily back to him it would be an introduction as if they were strange.

If he wants to create bonding between Baghira's mom and Baghira they must be neutered. If not, the mom will only see him as a tom and when she's not in heat she won't want closer contact with him.

Lily and Luna are so close and very good friends. It would be not good for them to separate them.

All these arguments are true. They may help you to take your emotions serious: I am sure you don't want to give up Lily. It is ok if you love Luna just a wee little bit more. Everyone on this board will know I love Filou just a tiny little bit more and Tigris is his daddy's boy......

Lily is now a teenager and not so quiet and social but she's happy with you and she's your cat

And I agree with everyone: it's just not fair if her poor mom gets babies every year. And regarding Baghira: do they know what it means to have an un-neutered tom in the house? Do they know that he will forget very soon the other cat is his mom?

[Kirsten]

Well, it wasn't my intention to make everyone mad at them now.

As far as I know, they have planned to get Baghira and the mommy cat fixed now, and I hope Baghira's peeing problem will disappear after that. I'm sure it has nothing to do with being seperated from Lily, because - like it has been said before here - he will not remember his sister! Besides, he has the puppies and the neighbor's cat to play with, which he is doing, and I'm sure he is happy!

I'm trying to find out why I'm so bothered by this. I think it has something to do with the fact that Luna is still my "No. 1 girl" (and Barbara, I feel relieved to read that you're feeling the same way about Filou ). It's not that I don't like Lily. She's a sweet girl and even though she's a teenager and sometimes not so easy to handle, she has a sweet and loving personality and she's a cute girl. But Luna touches my heart in a very special way, something I never thought would be possible again after I had lost my beloved Katz. But I love Luna so much - maybe too much - and I feel like a bad mommy when I look at Lily.

Kirsten

[moosmom]

Kirsten,

Barbara is correct, there is no such thing as a family reunion in the cat population. The only way these people can upset you is if you let them. So don't.

I am not mad at them, only their stupdity and irresponsibility.

[Kirsten]

moosmom, the funny thing is that I very often disagree with the people in my environment when it comes to cats. Last night I had an argument with another friend (the same who gave me advice not to get a second cat because "all cats are loners") when I mentioned that Luna will get her teeth cleaned next year and that I bought some cat tooth paste and will try to clean her teeth as far as she will let me. She argued with me that this was totally unnecessary and that the tartar won't do any harm. Of course I know it does because my Katz had lost her teeth at the age of seven, and certainly I don't want this to happen to Luna. But I'm getting tired of people telling me not to do this and that when I only want to do what's the best for my kitties!

Kirsten

[Russian Blue]

I'm sorry this is affecting you so much Kirsten.

Please don't let others dictate on how you are going to feel. You know in your heart, that Lily is happy and has a comfortable life. That's all that matters.

Life is too short to allow others to control how you feel. In my opinion, you don't have the problem, but your friend certainly seems to have some issues!

[catcrazylady]

Kirsten please don't feel guilty for feeling a stronger bond with one kitty over another. I really think that is natural. It's like people, you can have lots of really good friends, but there is something really special about one or two that makes them your very best friends. I love all of my cats deeply and each in a different and special way because they are different. I would do anything for them but there is a soft spot in my heart for my little trouble maker Leroy. I don't know why but I know its ok because I do love them all and care for them equally. I'm sure it's the same for you. Don't let that silly friend of yours make you feel bad. I say the male is peeing in the sink because he is in a house with an unspayed female and is starting to feel his oats!! He is marking his turf!
You just keep loving and caring for Lily and don't pay any attention to this guy because he is wrong! It would be a shame for her to have to readjust again and what about poor Luna?? You can't take her buddy!
It will all be ok just keep those two buddies together and ignore his comments. Seperating them now would do harm to both of them. This guy will get over it!

[Barbara]

Kirsten, I agree there are many people around here that have oldfashioned and uncientific ideas about cats like

- cats are loners
- cats can never be happy when kept in an apartment
- a cat should have had at least one time babies before getting neutered
- it is unfair if you neuter a cat because you deprive it of sex (often a male argument )

And there are these others who just don't bond to cats emotionally and make a big difference between themselves and the animals. Which means that they think if the cat is run over outside you can simply get a new one. Or that if a cat has tartar it's his problem.

For the first category it can help if you know more than them like:
- feral cats live in communities (which is not a "pack") and help each other e.g. to raise the babies
- the average life span of outside cats is 2 years. Cats in apartments can live happily 15 -20 years.
- cats don't miss sex after they are neutered. They are no longer suffering from their heat periods. And: neutering a cat is not an aggressive act against existence of males

But for the second category: Don't discuss with them. Just agree on a disagreement.

[catmandu]

there are simply some people , whose sole purpose in life is to make other people feel bad. They are called losers , and thier opinion is worth NOTHING! Ypu gave Lily a home , and made her a friend for Youself and Luna! Tell him to jump into the Ocean!

[moosmom]

Catmandu,

RIGHT ON!!!