Things our cats do that make us laugh

[Lallypop11]

I got this forwarded to me a while ago, I know you'll appreciate it, hehe.


Cat Rules

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails

[trayi52]

The one about trying to read really fits my Grover and my cat that died last year, if I ever sit down to read the newspaper, that is when they decide to come and sit close to me, sitting where I can't turn the pages, Grover stands in front of the monitor, and and she realllllllly loves walking on the keyboard. Lallypop11 you were so right to send me this, I love these things about cats, and it is all soooo true, right now I am trying to type while Grover stands in front of the monitor. Thank you Lallypop11 very much, I will have to send this to some of my friends. They will love it!!!

[PayItForward]

Although I am too proud to beg, and may appear to be a very independent creature, I ask for your loving care and attention.

Translation: I'm the boss, serve me.


I rely on you for my well being much more than you may realise.

Translation: Go out and earn money to keep me in the style to which I intend to become accustomed.


This I promise you, my benefactor, that I will not be a burden on you nor will I demand more of you than you care to give.

Translation: The more attention I get, the more I want. You may have to hire another slave for me (by the way, I lie!).


I will be a quiet peaceful island of serenity for you to gaze upon; a soft soothing body to caress, and I shall purr with pleasure to rest your weary ears.


Translation: I will tear round the house smashing ornaments at 3 a.m., infest the house with fleas, and bite your mother when she comes to visit (did I mention that I lie?).


Since I am a gourmet who appreciates different taste sensations, I pray you will give me a variety of nutritious foods and fresh water daily.

Translation: I need Evian water, changed at least six times per day, chilled but not too cold. Any food offerings that you make, no matter how expensive, will be turned down if I think there is a chance that I can scrounge the three day old bread that next door put out for the birds.


You know dear friend, how I love to sleep. Allow me, I pray, a warm sheltered place where I can rest peacefully and feel secure.

Translation: Don't you dare wake me, I know where you sleep, and will get revenge - claw type bloody revenge!


If I am wounded in battle or suffering from disease, please tend me gently, and see that I am treated by loving and competent hands.

Translation: I reserve the right to mangle the most expensive hands you hire to treat me.


Please protect me from the inhuman humans who would hurt and torture me for their own amusement. I am accustomed to your gentle touch and am not always suspicious nor swift enough to avoid such malicious acts.

Translation: If you ever find out that it was me who bit your mother's thumb and gave her tetanus, I'll have to claim that she woke me up when I was having a bad dream.


In my later years when my senses fail me and my infirmities become to great to bear, allow me the comfort and dignity that I desire for my closing days and help me gently in my pain or passing.

Translation: When I've had enough of being pampered, please send me to my next reincarnation, where I look forward to being satisfactorily served once more.


Hear this prayer, my dear friend, my fate depends on you.

Translation: I might just accept you as slave, if you behave yourself.

Author Unknown

[trayi52]

This was forwarded to me a while ago, and it was so funny, that I just had to share it with everybody.

The Pastor's Cat

This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about
it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me. Hope the story
leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't
have a sense of humor?

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of
his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his
backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed,
offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The
tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if
he
tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent
down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did! All the
while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if
he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little
further
forward, the rope broke.The tree went "boing!" and the kitten
instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt
terrible.

He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a
little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he
prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went
on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart
and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and
everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying
cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe
this," and told him how her little girl had been begging
her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a fewdays before, the
child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
"Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?" (Can you see
where this is heading?)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you
won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly
came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,
and landed right in front of her."Never" underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

[trayi52]

Well I was wondering why I wake up with scratches on my knees, arms, and shoulders. Grover must be very good at the art of revenge.

[trayi52]

Here is another one, that I thought would come in handy. Christmas is coming, so you might want to consider this one. This was forwarded to me from a friend, and I found it very amusing.
Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as
neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly
wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap
the
darn thing for you.

[trayi52]

Here another one a friend sent me, I think my friends knows how much I love cats.
"A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"
>
> 1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
>
> So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
> so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
> acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
>
> There will be any number of times, during the course of your
> association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
> bothered to grace them with your presence.
>
> What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang
> around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
> struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
> is actually rather simple:
>
> THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
>
> Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
> doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
> television stations and other activities that we, despite
> our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
> True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable
> thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
>
> 2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
>
> Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
> important activities than taking care of your immediate
> needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
> families or even sleeping.
>
> Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
> work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
> it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
> do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
> hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
> practice.
>
> Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
> to do what you want:
>
> Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper
> in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is
> more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to
> lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp
> product at every opportunity. This practice also works well
> with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small
> children.
>
> Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between
> 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping
> face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it
> will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want.
> You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their
> attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human
> from getting suspicious.
>
> 3. Punishing Your Human Being
>
> Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
> will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme
> circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
>
> Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
> household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated
> humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try
> to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but
> nonetheless effective alternatives:
> * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner, or
> even better utilize the indoor planters instead.
> * Locate the cleanest vehicle in the driveway and walk
> all over it. This is particularly effective if it has rained
> very recently.
> * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting
> a romantic interlude.
> * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment
> and feign a hairball attack.
> * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
> horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
> away, hissing and yowling.
> * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
>
> 4.Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
>
> The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
> humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled
> animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
> dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring
> cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy
> and playful movements in picking the creatures up after
> they've been presented.
>
> After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
> the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
> lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should
> be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents,
> your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When
> you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know
> it's worth it.
>
> 5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
>
> You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives.
> The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching,
> though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are
> worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do
> you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs
> will only take you so far.
>

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Theses are all so true! I am so glad I have cats in my life - I never know wgat i was missing!

[amoore]

That is so much like sunny ! sunny gets in the boxs that im trying to pack! I can pick him up and put him in another room ,and before i make it back, he is in there again ! Every package i try to send has his hair in it or on the tape ! Thanks Trayi52 ,maybe Sunny is normal after all!