How to intervene when its unwanted?

[catnapper]

We have a sticky situation on our hands. Someone in the family is dangerously close to alcoholism (if not already there) and in complete denial about it. They do not think there's a problem, "I don't do NOT have a problem!" (mmm-hmmm.... nobody's ever said that before )

Open the fridge: you get a whole 'nother story. You see several alcohol options, several 6 packs, etc. This person drops everything as fast and as often as they can so they can go to the bar. They are always broke because they spent their paycheck on booze. They are always tired because they spent their weekend partying til 3AM or later (and they so "wisely" post photos online to proove it) Yet, they have no drinking problem.

My son is visiting from Florida and was supposed to stay with this family member for the week because his girlfriend is seriously allergic to cats. He lasted two whole days before he couldn't take the chaos of that house. His girlfriend is fine here, thanks to Claritin and my sample bottle of nasal spray the Allergist gave me. I also happen to have a very clean house despite having 8 cats (she promises me she wouldn't know we had that many cats if not for them climbing all over here ) ANYWAY, even this sweet newcomer to our family (who hopefully someday will become my daughter-in-law) says there's a HUGE problem in my family member's house.

Cameron tells me stories of what this family member is like. A 6 year old is aware of issues? Wow. My kids are basically washing their hands of this family member due to the drama and trouble this person brings to them. I can't say I blame them because I have.... a long, long time ago. Hubby even tells this person that they are going down a very steep hill too fast and needs to correct their course of action. Still.... this person denies denies denies.

I can NOT step in and say anything to this person. We do NOT get along. Hubby is the only one in the family who is currently speaking to this person, and its tense as it is.

Is there anything that can be done? Or does this person have to figure it out themself? Even though I don't like this person, I never want to see someone self destruct. I have compassion and would like to help from the sidelines (because thats the only place I can work from with this person)

Any recovering alcoholics out there who been there done that? Anybody with recovering family members? What clicked for you?

[pomtzu]

If this person is in denial, nothing you can say or do will change the situation. You might be able to lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink! There's really no sense in you stressing over something that you have no control over. It appears that this person will have to crash and burn, and then maybe he/she will take matters into his/her own hands, but then again, maybe not.

[Catty1]

Check out Al-Anon meetings. They are for friends and relatives of someone with a drinking problem. There you can hear how others handle the same situations.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[moosmom]

Kim,

Take it from someone whose been in recovery for over 18 years...until your family member hits rock bottom, there's not a lot you can do.

I tried to get my Dad, who was also a serious alcoholic, to quit. After my stepmonster passed away, he gave up his will to live. I threatened, consulted a lawyer, offered to take him to AA meeting, even quit my job to help him through it. The arguments got ugly and I just quit trying. He lived and died by the bottle.

I'm afraid you are in between a rock and a hard place, I'm sorry to say.

You have my number. Call me anytime.

and hugs,

Donna

[Freedom]

As already stated, there is nothing you or anyone can do -- except that person. Until the person sees an issue, nothing is going to change.

Family and friends will find it difficult to watch. They will also feel at times, a need to step in an "help" by preventing an eviction, for example. Don't do it. If the person has to land on the streets before realizing (and some do while others don't go quite that far) then so be it. Again, not something you want to watch, but you have no control in this situation.

[moosmom]

WORD, Freedom!!!

[Asiel]

Have to agree with everyone else on this suject--Unless the person cares about themselves enough to really get serious and want to quit there isn't a lot another person can do.

[Scooter's Mom]

My grandfather was an alcoholic. He had accidents, got tickets, woke up in strange places, and many WORSE things over his lifetime.
He never admitted he had a problem. He was admitted to the hospital several times to "dry out" but it never stuck. Because as soon as he got out, his drinking buddies came around again and because he thought he didn't have a problem, he hung out with them and the cycle started all over again.

The times he wasn't drinking were happy times. The rest, stuff of nightmares for many.

As everyone else has said - the person with the problem has to admit they have a problem and want to fix it before anything can be done about it.
It's hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. Sometimes it's all you can do.

[krazyaboutkatz]

I used to watch the show "Intervention" a lot. In these cases even though the addict either didn't think that they had a problem or they just didn't want to stop, most of the time the family and the person in charge of the intervention could talk the person into checking themselves into rehab. Some times it still didn't work but many times it did and they had a new outlook on life. Some times the addict knows that they need help but they just don't want to ask for it. If you could form a family intervention and maybe get an intervention specialist also involved and have a plan for the addict to get help then maybe just maybe the addict would say yes to the help. Good luck.

[Karen]

I used to watch the show "Intervention" a lot. In these cases even though the addict either didn't think that they had a problem or they just didn't want to stop, most of the time the family and the person in charge of the intervention could talk the person into checking themselves into rehab. Some times it still didn't work but many times it did and they had a new outlook on life. Some times the addict knows that they need help but they just don't want to ask for it. If you could form a family intervention and maybe get an intervention specialist also involved and have a plan for the addict to get help then maybe just maybe the addict would say yes to the help. Good luck.

Did they ever do "A year later" followup with any of the people? I wonder if the people who went through an intervention stuck with it long term?

My church has a huge commitment to all the "A" groups, and our building is where there are meetings just about every day and night of the week. As a Methodist church, everyone knows there is no alcohol allowed on the premises, so it feels like a safer place for them. The stories told would break your heart, and it is great to see people thriving again on the other side of addiction.

[kitten645]

Agreed with all except one suggestion. Reality shows are not real. Intervention is for the sake of drama. Or feeding on the desperation on the part of family members. I believe a VERY small percentage stick to it. You can't force people to change. I believe the reason for many failed marriages is the notion that you can change or "fix" someone.
No one changes unless they want to change. This is true of addictions, weight issues, emotional issues etc. You only loose weight when you decide it's time for a change. Same with drinking.
Living with a destructive relative, you have two options. They can be miserable or you can be miserable with them. You need to focus your energy on Cameron and shielding him as much as possible from this destructive behaviour. Intervention isn't going to work and will only reinforce their notions that it's you and not them.
Move on and focus on better relations with your loved ones.

[moosmom]

When I first got sober, I had to change EVERYTHING. My lifestyle, the people I hung out with (who said I wouldn't be fun anymore if I didn't drink).

It's a big change. It won't happen overnight. But like everyone here said, unless the family member ADMITS they have a problem and wants help, all you can do is sit back and pray.

[catnapper]

We had a huge family meeting yesterday with most of the family (excluding one person of course) and its the general concensus that they are in big trouble but will NOT listen to anyone, and their reaction is to hurt themself when cornered. They have soooo many people in their history that was GOOD for them and they cut ties once they realized the person was trying to eanact positive change.

Another family member just admitted a drinking problem two or three months ago and is seeking help. They quit their job, moved in with another family member's basement, and cut ties from all friends. This family member is completely lost but knows they have to start from somewhere. They have no idea what they want to do now that they are sober. Going back to school? Staying in the area or moving out of state? so on..... and they are the biggest voice for not confronting the relative. They said the other is not ready and it would be catastrophic because this person's answer to everything is to "punish" people by withdrawling and pushing away at the exact time they need people to help.

I understand the whole concept of enabling. I struggle with it for my husband who has PTSD. Am I enabling him to stay home and hide from the worlkd or am I helping him cope with life? Its an answer the therapist helps us solve. Since I have nothing to do with this family member, I am confident I'm not enabling them! I wish I could say the same thing for hte rest of the family. Some people are huge enablers, others not so much.