There's no decent men left

**COCatMama** · 11-13-2002, 07:49 PM

Anybody else feel this way? I am a year and a half away from turning 30 *gasp* and just newly out of a two-year relationship. I am soooo tired of putting so much energy into something that ends anyway, argh. I am not looking forward to being on the 'market' again.

**Soledad** · 11-13-2002, 08:01 PM

Yeah, I kind see where you're coming from. I got lucky and married the first nice guy I met, though. I think women overlook a lot of really nice guys because they're not "exciting" enough. I don't know if someone who has a drinking/drug problem and likes to look at other women is exactly exciting, but for some reason they're very popular with women.

There is a definitely a problem between the sexes on this.

**mugsy** · 11-13-2002, 08:03 PM

Don't go shopping for awhile. Let the wounds heal. Just so you know, I didn't start dating Mike until I was 36 and didn't get married until I was 37. But I can definitely relate....I do remember and sometimes it was fun, but most of the time it wasn't because I always had to explain myself. You'll be fine and you'll find someone else when it's time.

**COCatMama** · 11-13-2002, 08:05 PM

some guy near where i work keeps hitting on me but i have 0 attraction or interest in him. he smokes and has way tooooo much baggage (even worse than I). I am just so completely disgusted with the male species, i think we expect too much of them. All I want is a decent guy who treats me right and doesn't have a bunch of baggage and stuff. is that so much to ask?!?! geezzz

**Soledad** · 11-13-2002, 08:09 PM

Cast your net wider. Ever considered an online personals ad? I have a friend who got the man of their dreams from an online ad, and neither of them are unattractive or losers. It's better than meeting someone in a bar or something...

**COCatMama** · 11-13-2002, 08:12 PM

I met Steve on one of those online dating things

yes I definitely need time to heal, I just don't want to spend five years being single again like i did in my mid-twenties. I don't 'need' a man to feel okay about myself but 5 years was way too long.

**Soledad** · 11-13-2002, 08:15 PM

I think it's also harder to be single when you've had a long term relationship. If Sam and I were suddenly not together, I would find it incredibly intimidating getting "back into the game". Yikes. Don't worry, girl. Give yourself time to be on your own, build up your confidence and reassurance that you CAN do it, but would rather just have a partner in life. Just make sure that you don't turn down someone with really good potential just because you're still wounded. Nice guys are out there! I know, I'm married to one and am a sister to three and daughter to one. They exist, I swear!

**Tubby & Peanut's Mom** · 11-13-2002, 08:27 PM

Originally posted by Lalania
All I want is a decent guy who treats me right and doesn't have a bunch of baggage and stuff. is that so much to ask?!?! geezzz

No it's not too much to ask! The only problem is some of our own baggage clouds our judgement sometimes and we end up putting too much energy into a relationship that we knew in our hearts was doomed from the beginning - and yes, I'm speaking from experience there.

I have never been married, but it's going on 8 years now since Terry and I had our first date. This is the longest relationship I've had with any man except Tubby, my father and my brothers. Which doesn't say a lot for my advice, but I'm going to give it anyway.

A lot of times we jump into relationships because we don't want to be alone. My advice is to spend some time on your own developing yourself as a person, and maybe working through some of your own baggage. Nothing wrong with dating while you're doing this, but don't date with any intention of anything serious. I'm 40 now, so that means I met Terry when I was 32, and I was single and on my own since the day I left home. I met a lot of guys, and a lot of them that I thought were Mr. Right. But none of them worked out until I spent some time learning about me. I did what I wanted to do and didn't worry about "finding" a guy. I figured it would happen when it was supposed to happen, and sure enough, it did.

I was "doing my own thing" when I met Terry. I had my own Harley-Davidson because I liked to ride and I couldn't wait around to find a man to ride behind, so I got my own. A girlfriend and I went to our normal breakfast "run" and there he was. We talked and joked around as just part of the gang and eventually had a "real" date, and 8 years later here we are.

So just do what you enjoy doing, don't worry about "finding" a man, and let it come naturally. You'll be surprised at how soon it happens once you let go. You're doing the right thing by not giving up your dog (sorry but I don't remember his name but I remember he's a real cutie) and sticking to your guns about finding an apartment that will take him. That's a good start on defining "you."

The only thing is, once you're in the relationship it's never going to be perfect. There are always going to be disagreements and arguments that will have to be worked through - trust me.

So for now, enjoy being single and learn to enjoy being alone. It can only benefit you because once Mr. Right does come along, he'll see that you're a well grounded person and he'll love you all the more for that. It's not always easy, but then again, being in a relationship isn't always easy either.

Good luck!

**Karen** · 11-13-2002, 08:32 PM

Hey! There are men who read this board! No gender-bashing here, please! There are good men out there, and here. There are good women out there, and here too. Smile, love your pets, and let life go on. Hey, this is a pet-focused board, so what advice did you think I'd give? Nothing's better than the unconditional love of a pet - that can heal the hurts our human hearts get every time.

Your thread title reminds me of a friend of mine who said that for years. When she said "All men are evil," I'd point out Paul. She'd spit back - "Well, maybe you got the only good one." She had her heart broken badly once, but still dated sometimes ... she just celebrated her 5-year anniversary, and she is 10 years older then you.

My Great Aunt Bertha - a great lady, spoiled her animals very well, was widowed at the age of 72 years old, but never regretted her 30 great years of loving marriage. Yes, she got married when she was 42 - long after she had "given up" on men. And that was in 1947 - when a single woman of 40 was already considered an "old maid!"

a. Don't say there are no good men left, any more than you would say "All German Shepherds are mean."

b. Love your dog. A dog is guaranteed to return your love ten-fold. Revel in that!

c. Do positive hopeful things. Be happy with yourself first, and for goodness sake, don't talk of "putting yourself back on the market." You're not a chunk of real estate, you're a person!

d. Spoil your dog absolutely rotten for a few weeks. A dog will never tell your secrets, and is great at commiseration. All they want in return is a tummy rub and maybe a few extra biscuits. What a deal!

**moosmom** · 11-13-2002, 08:39 PM

Way to go Karen!! The last relationship I had was 8 years ago. For the first time in my life, I'm content. The only male I let walk all over me now has 4 legs and a tail.

As my stepmonster once told me, when you least expect it and you aren't looking, someone will come along. That was over 7 years ago.

Karen, Paul is a gem. Sounds like a keeper to me!! BTW, does he have a single brother, cousin, father, uncle, nephew, etc., that would be interested in a monogamous relationship??

**Karen** · 11-13-2002, 09:00 PM

Originally posted by moosmom
Paul is a gem. Sounds like a keeper to me!!

Yup! 16 years of marriage so far ...

BTW, does he have a single brother, cousin, father, uncle, nephew, etc., that would be interested in a monogamous relationship??

Um, he has a single brother, and several single male cousins ... heck, we've even got single former roommates ...

So there are good single men out there, I know it!

BTW, my brothers are both married (and with a total of 4 children, at least 5 cats, two large dogs and maybe some fish between the two of them) so I'm no help!

**Fuzzy317** · 11-13-2002, 09:07 PM

I will speak up for some of the men on this board. I don't take offence at the comment "...no decent men left.." I know there are some total jerks out there (both men and women).

I have seen some good advice so far, waiting I think is the best. Don't be in a rush to get someone, many times you just turn around and they are there. Try online/video/actual dating to give yourself plenty of options.

Live your life for you. When all is said and done, making yourself happy is most important.

**Soledad** · 11-13-2002, 09:14 PM

I think that Lalaia knows she doesn't NEED a man, but she just want to have a partner in life. It's hard when you're single to have a bunch of people tell you that you just need to wait and it'll happen when it means to. I think she's just frustrated by what's happened, and not comfortable with returning to all the time she spent alone in her mid twenties. Fair enough. Sounds like you had your single days, and that you know you can do it on your own, you're just frustrated and annoyed that now that you're ready things aren't panning out. That must suck. I won't offer you any cliches.

Just keep all your options open without letting yourself be a doormat.

**COCatMama** · 11-13-2002, 09:17 PM

Oh believe me, I am in no rush whatsever. I have more important things to worry about, like packing and moving! ugh. I appreciate all the helpful advice from everyone and i don't mean to generalize but myself. i know only two really decent guys, my uncle and my grandfather. I guess I am just an old-fashioned kind of a girl!

**Uabassoon** · 11-13-2002, 09:42 PM

Lalania, I know exactly how you feel (well, kind of) My partner and I of a few years recently broke up and it's hard being single again, it's like I've forgotten what it's like. But Corkscrew and Tibby were so helpfull in making feel better. On days when I just wanted to sleep and do nothing Tibby was there pawing at my face telling me that i needed to wake up and play with her. And COrkscrew was always there letting me pet him to keep me calm.