I am so sorry for your loss..here come the tears, nonetheless I will write through them.
Like you, I experienced my greatest loss just a few short months ago. I, too cared and nursed her for around 18 months..the toll that took on me wasnt realized until after I let her go..if you're anything like me and I am sure you are, the love you have for her is unmeasurable..the loss is bottomless...almost three months later it is like it was just yesterday. I can finally look at pictures..I cannot speak about her, my voice still trembles.
After I made that haunting decision, it all happened very fast..and immediately after I felt numb and lifeless, lost and bewildered. I believe that was some form of shock..that takes days, maybe even weeks to go through..you must now pay attention to yourself..lean on your friends/family..they will be of great comfort. It's like you get deflated and are vulnerable to anything..
Nothing can erase the pain we feel, especially when we have that heavy decision on our shoulders to make, and be responsible for. The only thing that I can truly take comfort in, is that our babies are free of the pain and restrictions they had at the end and that was our goal and our only alternative in achieving that peace for them.
I had trouble, like you deciding WHEN..up and down and all over the place..I trusted her to tell me when, and she did, just as Ellie Mae did for you..it's so difficult sometimes to decifer, and then go through with it..I struggled with it too. It still haunts me, but deep in my heart I know as you will too at some point..she's better off..
Ellie Mae is a beautiful, gorgeous girl, you I can tell by your thoughts and expressive feelings that she was as much a part of you as anything ever could be..and very very much loved. I am sure she knew just how much she meant to you and you to her, I know you saw the love in her eyes..I did..nothing or no one can ever change that. When they leave you lock them in your heart, never to let them go completely.
I hope you'll reconsider (as I did) at some point, to let another little life into yours, you are such a loving and caring cat mom, they would be so fortunate to be selected to be yours. I said the exact same thing, (I have three others) but, nearly three months later there's going to be a new kid in town, in the next few weeks..you'd be surprised how it lifts you. I feel Tinkerbelle would approve.
Godspeed little Ellie Mae..look up Tinkerbelle at the bridge I think you would be fast friends.
RIP Ellie Mae
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