1 Pick up cat and cradle it as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Get a new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigourously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with a spoon. Flick pill down with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress and check records for date of last tetanus. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit while doctor stitch fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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