Our PT joke thread

[jackie]

^^ LOL @ bass solo!

[cassiesmom]

How do you define perfect pitch for a piccolo? Over the edge and into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb; one to pull the ladder out from under the one doing the changing; and three to complain about how much better they could have done it.

[CathyBogart]

Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.

[CathyBogart]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************** *************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[sparks19]

AH HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man some of these jokes are good.

My customers here must think I am nuts. I am giggling out loud.... I can't help it. Too funny.

I especially like the "cos you're ugly" one lol that's funny.

And the egg flipping one lol

[kittycats_delight]

SNIFFER

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied,
"He just found a bomb!"

[kittycats_delight]

Dinner With The Girlfriend

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute andwhen she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies,
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[kittycats_delight]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

This one is fabulous. I have to forward it to my uncle who is retired from the army. Too funny. I loved it.

[CathyBogart]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*


*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)


*

*

*
"He should've quit when he was a head!"

[ratdogg]

"He should've quit when he was a head!"

LMAO. nice

here's my contribution. not really a joke, but a witty saying.

"Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end"

[Jenn&Dean]

I have a joke... It's a one liner, but well worth it.



What is red and bad for your teeth???






A BRICK!!!


LOL, I get a kick out of it everytime.

[Catty1]

Therapeutic Advice

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

[Freedom]

The Wal-Mart Cat




A
blonde
was
weed-eating
her
yard
and
accidentally
cut off the tail
of her cat
which
was
hiding
in the
grass.

She
rushed her cat,
along
with the tail, over
to
WAL-MART!







Why
WAL-MART?







HELLOOOOOOOOO!











WAL-MART
is
the largest
"retailer"
in
the
world!!!

[cassiesmom]

A Christmas joke ...
What is red and goes, "Oh, oh, oh!" ?
Santa Claus walking backwards

[Freedom]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot
of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver,'
but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."