joke thread

[gini]

Why men lie!

> One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of
> a tree above a
> river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
> out, the Lord
> appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
>
> The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen
> into water, and he
> needed the axe to make his living.
>
> The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
> with a golden axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord again went down and came up with a silver
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord went down again and came up with an iron
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
>
> The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave
> him all three axes
> to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
>
> Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his
> wife along the
> riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
> When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
> asked him, "Why are you
> crying?"
>
> "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
>
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with
> Jennifer Lopez.
> "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
> "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
>
> The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
> untruth!"
>
> The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
> It is a
> misunderstanding.
> You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
> would have come up
> with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
> Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come
> up with my wife.
>
> Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all
> three to me.
> Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take
> care of all three
> wives,
> so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
>
> The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it
> is for a good and
> honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[slick]

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

[trayi52]

Little town in Mexico

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.The storm
was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve
coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He
hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand
appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't
drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said
to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the person that got in the car while we
were pushing it!"

[petlover]

This may offend some people. But remember, it is just a joke!

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.

So they're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is." I want to be gorgeous."and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.The second one in line hears this and says " I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last in line starts laughing.


When there are only ten people left, the guy starts rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finnaly, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:......................

" Make 'em all ugly again."

[trayi52]

"Signs You're Stressed"

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses off the people you're talking to.

The SUN is too loud.

You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.

You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.

You can see the individual air molecules vibrating.

You keep yelling, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and reality ...file for divorce.

[trayi52]

[trayi52]

[trayi52]

Questions and Answers

At least the ladies should identify with these:

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him. Or 2- One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

[trayi52]

"Would You Believe...?"

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.
On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their
room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the
convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated
train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this
must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally)
is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks
in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies,
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

[captain]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.


"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.


"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".


Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."


The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,








"They're Carols".

[trayi52]

Rules For Buying Gifts For Men




Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.


Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.


Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God
had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.


Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace
the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot
of money buy your man a big-screen TV with PIP.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.


Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.
If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink whiskey or beer.


Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.


Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.


Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day
and he will always have parts left over.


Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears' Clearance Centers< are also excellent
men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something
I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."


Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with
a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"


Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However,
he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective
of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.


Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.


Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.


Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.

[trayi52]

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as
neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly
wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap
the
darn thing for you.

[trayi52]

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
-----------------------------------
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are
out of the question.

#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that
he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he
hears "You've Got Mail".

#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98 or Windows XP.

[slick]

Tray, those are priceless.........

I just can't compete with those.

[trayi52]

Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied
for, and you are going to fail the class anyways!



Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.


Bring cheerleaders.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Bring pets.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.