For Richard
THE RULES
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules :
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don’t cut your hair – ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by that time you’re stuck with her.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work; obvious hints do not work; strong hints do not work. Just say it!
We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes at the most. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which – out of thirty pairs – would look good with your dress?
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See your doctor.
Check your oil – please!
Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us: we refuse to answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done; not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus and Captain Cook did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends about it.
All men see in only 16 colours, like Microsoft default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine – really!
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interests or ours to take a quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but we really don’t mind that: it’s like camping.
M!
"No dog is born either vicious or friendly, but rather a blank slate that is moulded, for better or worse, by the owner."
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