joke thread

[ChrisH]

Thanks AmberLee, I was LOL all the way through them!

[captain]

OMGoodness .............. too funny!

[Steffi N]

My sister in Ohio sent me these.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

*****************

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[popcornbird]

Its been 2 years and 2 months since the day this thread was created, and it still continues to pop up on Page 1!!! WOW!!!

That was too funny Steffi!

[amoore]

I am glad this is still going! Great to have some humor in a major serious world! Great Idea!

Steffi, I loved all of those! I found one that i should have read a long time ago! lol
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

[AmberLee]

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

This was sent to me by a friend. Thought you all would enjoy it, too.

[gini]

Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

[AvaJoy]

Here is a "blonde" joke:

Two blondes are sitting outside enjoying a lovely evening with a full moon shining. One asks the other "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?"

The other blonde rolls her eyes and replies, "Duhhh! You can't even SEE Florida from here!"

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by gini
Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

WooHoo!!! I am SO there if we could!

[AmberLee]

_@/ snail

@ frightened snail

_@_ tired snail

_@/\@_ snail meeting

_@@/ snails uh...

~@~ flying snail

.o/ baby snail

__/ slug


\/
_@ snail watching TV


_a/ homeless snail



_@/
@
@
@
@ snail living in a high-rise


_A/ snail at vacation home

[cookieluver7]

Sorry if anybody else did this one but I didn't want to read every joke to make sure i didnt copy anybody. I have a couple.

1st joke: There was a little boy and it was the first day of school. His teacher was teaching the class the abc's. The little boy says, "Teacher I have to go pottie!" "Okay," says the teacher, "but first say the abc's." "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz" says the boy. "What happened to the p?" the teacher asked. "It's running down my leg!" you've prbly heard it already and I know it's kind of cheesy, but I thought it was kind of funny

2nd joke: Why didn't the chicken cross the rode? Because he was a chicken! Ha ha! (corny!)

3rd and last joke: The boys says to his dad, "daddy is GOD black or white" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" then he asked "daddy, is GOD a boy or a girl?" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" the boy looked shocked. "DADDY! I didn't know that GOD was Michael Jackson! Hope you enjoyed these jokes!

[AmberLee]

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

[DJFyrewolf36]

Heres a dorky blonde joke lol

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 pm news. The featured story was about a man who was about to jump off of a high rise building. The brunette says to the blonde "I bet you 5 bucks he is going to jump off that building" The blond replies "I bet he wont!"

Sure enough the guy jumps

The brunette says "Well I can't really accept the 5 bucks because I saw this story on the 5 pm news so I knew what was going to happen"

The blonde replies "Yeah, I watched it on the 5 pm news too, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump off twice!"

yeah I know hehe

[AmberLee]

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

[AmberLee]

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.