joke thread

[Pam]

OK here's my latest contribution. Just got this one today in an e-mail from my brother.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four."

[amoore]

Good one Pam! LOL!

[trayi52]

Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he
called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two bravest
warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed each to go out
and seek buffalo skins. Whoever returned with the most
skins would be chief.

About a month later Geronimo came back with one hundred
pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs saying,
"Watch for Falling Rocks."

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

LOL Great jokes you guys!

*smack*

[BitsyNaceyDog]

This is funny because it's such a stupid joke. It's my favorite joke.

What is big and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?





...............................A pool table

[amoore]

You guys LOL! Too funny! LOL!

[Miss Meow]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....




MOLASSES!!!!!!

[gini]

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing

a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his

horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that

there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves

again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a

slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to

avoid all the trees.

Moments later, he hears the sound of a police siren and

brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's

car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the

officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes,

Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[G.P.girl]

ok, we have this sub at school and everyday she tells us a corny joke or two, here are a few of them:

--Why is the bottom of the ocean floor wet?

--because the sea weed


-What did the salmon say when he ran in to a concrete wall?

- Dam.


---what did 0 say to 8?

---Nice belt.

And my favorite

-why was 6 afriad of 7?

--Because 789!!!

lol :P

[Miss Meow]

Stopping the Weapons of Math Deduction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[captain]

Kindly sent to me by Miss DeliDog

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Randi]

A fire at the Whitehouse has destroyed the President's personal library. A presidential spokesman said that the President is devestated as both books were derstroyed, and he hadn't finished colouring the second one....

[joanofark]

I don't know if this has been posted or not but I will give it a try!

A teacher asked this little kindergarten girl
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" She didn't know the answer. Her teacher told her that her homework is to find out what the first letter of the alphabet is. So she goes home and she asked her big sister who was doing her own homework,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" The little girl asked.
"SHUT UP!" Her sister yelled.
"Okay!" the girl said to herself. Then she goes and asks her mom who was talking on the phone,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
" Yeah, okay" Her mom answered.
"Okay the girl said to herself. The she goes and asks her dad who was watching the foot ball game on TV,
" YES! Touch down 49!" her dad answered.
" Okay" the girl said to herself" then she goes to her grandpa who was cooking buns,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?" she asked her grandpa. All of a sudden the smoke alarm goes off!
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!" Grandpa screams.
"Okay" the little girl says to herself. The next day her teacher asked her,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
"SHUT UP!" The girl screams.
"Do you want to go to the principals office?" her teacher asked her.
"Yeah, okay" She answers. So when she got to the principals office he asked her,
"How many spankings do you want?"
" YES! touch down 49!" she said. SO she gets 49 spankings and then she says,
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

[amoore]

joanofark, That was so funny! Thank you for the laugh!

[AmberLee]

CHILDREN SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS, EVEN IN CHURCH

1. A little boy was in a relative's Wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went-step, step, ROAR; step, step, ROAR; all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

2. One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle. On his way out just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

3. One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

4. A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

5. A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."

6. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

7. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

8. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old." He replied.

9. A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or King James Virgin?"

10. I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, The
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

11. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

12. A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."