joke thread

[AmberLee]

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?















































Ans: Nothing!

[slleipnir]

haha great jokes!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes everyone.

[rg_girlca]

A 40 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks in, watches her a while and then says, "You look ridiculous! What are you doing?" She says, " I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." He says, "Yeah right and what did he say about your 40 year old ass?"
"Nothing" she replied, "Your name never came up."



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and sirens, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULLOVER."
"NO," the blonde yelled back. "IT,S A SCARF."

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great jokes rg_girlca.

[rg_girlca]

ROTFLMAO; Oh Tanya&Fritz i just love that application. Gotta get me one of those. LOL.

[AdoreMyDogs]

LOL LOL LOLOL!!!!

LOVE the application All of my past boyfriends would have failed miserablly!

Randi...OMG the Soap thing is the funny beyond words! I was laughing hystarically when I read that

[krazyaboutkatz]

[anna_66]

Blonde Joke

There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel. The man got out burning with anger. He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle. Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times. Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing. He asked:” why are you laughing? I just ran over your car”. The blonde said,"I got out of the circle 3 times".

[Former User]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hand

[Former User]

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before
marriage and after marriage.

[Former User]

From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds upduring the day.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry 8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 cup Steamed Spinach 1 cup Herb Tea 1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of the Oreos in the package 2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream 1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner

2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza 4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer 3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For This Diet

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinachand pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

[anna_66]

ROFLMAO

[Tanya&Fritz]

Here's a really stupid question, but what does ROFLMAO mean???

[gini]

That isn't a stupid question, I had to ask too.........

"rolling on the floor, laughing my a__ off!"

Rascal told me what it meant!