joke thread

[Miss Meow]

> A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather
> man named Rudolf.
>
> He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the
> Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected
> him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at
> predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the
> prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was
> approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife
> lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and
> prepare for the worst.
>
> After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at
> the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction
> was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she
> said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud
> anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact,
> that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever
> had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't
> going to rain.
>
> He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it
> was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his
> Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about.
> She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
>
> They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to
> bed mad at each other.
>
> During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit
> the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning
> when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and
> saw all the water that had fallen that night.
>
> "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
>
> His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I
> want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
>
> To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

[trayi52]

* Convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

* Gas Station: "Eat Here. Get Gas."

* Department Store: " Our Credit Manager is Helen Wait. If you want credit go to Helen Waite."

* Headline - Strike Continues: "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"

* Classified Ad: Three month old puppies for sale. Half lab / half neighbor's sneaky dog

* Bulldog for sale: Eats anything. Very fond of children.

* Maternity ward: "No children allowed."

* Bakery Truck: "Bimbo Bakery: We got some hot buns."

* Restaurant: "Try our chowder -- it's thick and rich, just like the boss!"

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." "We butter our buns for you." * News Headline: "Autos Killing 110 a Day -- Let's Resolve to Do Better"

* Stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."

* Restaurant Sign: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

* New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

* New Orleans restaurant Menu: "Blackened bluefish"

* Men's Clothing Store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

* Propane Company: "Got Gas?"

* Exterminator: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." We butter our buns for you."

* Rib Restaurant: "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down."

* Newspaper Headline: "Patient At Death's Door -- Doctors Pull Him Through"

[trayi52]

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

This is from a radio program, a true report
of an incident that happened in Michigan.

A man buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator
for $42,500 with $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,
and of course, in Michigan all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake
with their guns, a dog, and the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind
of a natural landing area for the ducks;
something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look
like something a wandering duck would fly
down and land on, it is going to take a
little more effort than an ice hole drill. So,
out of the back of the brand new Navigator
comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40
second fuse.
These two rocket scientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the
stick of dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they and the new Navigator
are standing, because they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when
they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw
the dynamite. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns, and a DOG?
Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained
black lab used for RETRIEVING!
Especially things that are thrown by the
it's master. You guessed it! The dog takes
off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice
and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40 second fuse about the time it
hit the ice. The two men yell, scream,
wave their arms and wonder what to do
now. The dog, cheered on, comes
bounding happily toward the men.

One of the guys grabs a shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with
birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a full
grown Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, but continues
on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
still on his feet, becomes really confused
and of course terrified, thinking these two
geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover....under the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to yell as they run.

The exhaust pipe on the Navigator is still
hot, so the dog yelps, drops the dynamite
under the truck, and takes off after his
master. Then ... BOOM ... the Navigator
is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake in a very large hole, leaving the
two idiots standing there with this 'I
can't really believe this happened' look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking
a vehicle in a lake during illegal use of
explosives is not covered.

The owner had yet to make the first of
those $560 a month payments!

And Yankees laugh at, make fun of and
say that Rednecks are dumb Southerners,
well who is driving their truck and who
wishes they had a truck !

[trayi52]

Oh, take a look at the attachment! See why I don't want to eat Frog Legs??

[Twisterdog]

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

Oh, I'm quite SURE it can be true! No doubt about it!

[trayi52]

Twisterdog, that is funny

[slick]

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....


Misdewiener..........

[trayi52]

Slick, practice makes perfect, so she needs to practice, practice , and practice some more!!!! Sister was just a natural at it, but she may have to work at it.

[amoore]

Sipoweitz says, that picture made him feel pain!

[G.P.girl]

8 famous blond inventions:
1) Waterproof towels
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) trap doors on submarines
4)a book titled "teach yourself to read"
5) An inflatable dartboard
6) A dictionary with an index
7) Instant water powder (just add water)
8) water proof tea filter

[HoRsELUvR]

I heard this joke from a friend.It's really funny.

An elementary school teacher was receiving gifts from her students at the end of the year.One student whose father owned a butcher shop came up and gave her his package.The teacher shook it and asked,"Is it beef jerkey?"
"Yea, how'd you know?",said the kid.
"Lucky guess",the teacher answered.
The next kid, wYea, how'd you know?",said the kid.hose father owned a candy store, handed the teacher a package.She shook it and said,"I bet it's candy."
"Yea how'd you know?
Lucky guess",the teacher answered.
Another kid, whose father owned a liquor store, gave the teacher a package.She shook the package, and a few drops fell out,so she tasted them.
"Is it wine?", the teacher said.
"Nope",said the kid,so the teacher let a few more drops of the package from the liquor store fall on her finger so she could taste it again.

"How about champagne?"said the teacher.
"No"
"Well what is it?"
The kid answered,"It's a puppy!"

[trayi52]

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed
to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for
me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in
my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A
student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting
neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

[LauralG]

Gift for Snow White
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

lol
yep I'm blonde also. lol Great jokes guys they were all funny.

[trayi52]

Laura, that is hilarious!!

Willie

[LauralG]

lol thanks Willie