joke thread

[anna_66]

What to say to phone solicitors who call to sell you credit cards,
vacation packages, etc.:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical
examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call
back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has
run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the
best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now.
Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry
now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better
business people said I need more positive identification to file
my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone
number...

[AvaJoy]

Sorry if this is too risque:

A six year old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I woke up to this thumping noise coming from your bedroom and when I went to see what it was you were sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why were you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and replies, "Your Dad is overweight, and I am trying to get him back down to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting you time."

The Mother asks, "Why is that, dear?"

The kid says, "Because, in the morning after you leave for work that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows Daddy right back up again!"

[anna_66]

Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One
summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the
back yard after dinner.

One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."
She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20
minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the
fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye
and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've
had to rest all day."

[anna_66]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!

[captain]

hee hee hee .... loved the biscuit one!!!

[anna_66]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[AmberLee]

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

17. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

21. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

[AmberLee]

*bump*

[gini]

The blond said,

"I was so worried that the mechanic would rip me off when I went into the service station.

I was so relieved to find out that all I needed was turn signal fluid."

[Kerri Greyson]

here is my joke, it is kinda lame, and before i tell the end of it, some one has to post after me, k????

God wanted to know the population of good vs. bad ppl. so he sent an angel down to do that. the angel came back with the statistics of 90% bad, the rest good. well, God did not want to believe this, so he sent another angel. but the angel came back with the same statistics. so God sent an email to all the good ppl. do you know what it said???????

[gini]

Oh Oh, I am afraid to ask!! Should I be looking for an email from God? I don't think He works that way - he works kinda direct you know

[Kerri Greyson]

what, you didnt get one either!!!! ha ha!! everyone falls for that one!!!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

LoL Good one Kerri

[gini]

Originally posted by Kerri Greyson
what, you didnt get one either!!!! ha ha!! everyone falls for that one!!!

Oh dear, I have been away for a couple of hours and when I came back, I still hadn't received an email from God. And I am not blond either but I was hoping.

Am I really part of the 90% - oh no!!!!

[Miss Meow]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
>
> _2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
>
> _3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
>
> _4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
>
> _5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
>
> _6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
>
> _7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
>
> _8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
>
> _9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
>
> _10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
>
> _11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
>
> _12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite
>
> _13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
>
> _14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can
Roast
> _Beef!
>
> _15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right where ya left him.
>
> _16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
>
> _17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
>
> _18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
>
> _19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location
Of
> _The Dirt Bag.
>
> _20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their
Belt
> _Buckle On Their Hat.
>
> _21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad
> _Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
>
> _22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Kentucky Divorce The Same? Somebody's
> _Gonna Lose A Trailer.....