joke thread

[ChrisH]

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from
the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake
of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate
is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

[anna_66]

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

[Miss Meow]

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Miss Meow]

Housing Association Complaints

Some allegedly _genuine complaints_with a public housing association in the UK.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

And he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
_
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
_
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
_
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.__ Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

_I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
_

[Former User]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Former User]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Former User]

Three rats are sitting at the bar bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

About to marry a 25 yr. old, an 85 yr. old man went
to a marriage counselor and asked how he might keep his
prospective bride happy. The counselor advised:
"I think you should take in a youthful Boarder."

Months later, the old gent returned to the counselor
and reported that his new bride was pregnant.
"I see you took my advice," said the counselor, chuckling.
"Yep," said the old man, "and she's pregnant, too."

[anna_66]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by Miss Meow
Housing Association Complaints



And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.


_

what about the splinters on his-

oh forget it.

[captain]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE ! ! EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

[captain]

adding to ChrisH Chocolate tidbits

If you drink a Diet softdrink, whilst eating chocolate - the diet softdrink cancels all the calories in the chocolate

[captain]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which
by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello... We're down here..."

Sorry to all the men on the PT board ....

[anna_66]

Cute Captain

We Must Stop This Immediately!
>
>
> Have you ever noticed that when you're of a
> certain age, everything seems uphill from where you
> are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And,
> everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to
> the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how
> long our street had become!
>
> And, you know, people are less considerate now,
> especially the young ones. They speak in whispers
> all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
> keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the
> same silent message until they're red in the face!
> What do they think I am, a lip reader?
>
> I also think they are much younger than I was at
> the same age. On the other hand, people my own age
> are so much older than I am. I ran into an old
> friend the other day and she has aged so much that
> she didn't even recognize me.
>
> I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was
> combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I
> glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW.
> Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
>
> Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
> You're risking life and limb if you just happen to
> pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can
> say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
> way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view
> mirror.
>
> Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these
> days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a
> size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no
> one notices that these things no longer fit around
> the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
>
> The people who make bathroom scales are pulling
> the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I
> actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
> HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just
> who do these people think they're fooling?
>
> I'd like to call up someone in authority to report
> what's going on -- but the telephone company is in
> on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone
> books in such small type that no one could ever find
> a number in here!
>
> All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity
> is under attack! Unless something drastic happens,
> pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these
> awful indignities.
>
> PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON
> AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
>
> PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font
> size, because something has caused fonts to be
> smaller than they once were too!
> Dorothy