joke thread

[RICHARD]

two guys are on their way to vegas.
the passenger tells the driver he has to go potty.
the driver tell him he must wait- the rest stop is ten miles
down the road.
a few minutes later the passenger, again, states he has to go potty.......

number 1 or two?

"number 2', the says......

"you can't wait?", NO I CAN'T WAIT!!

the driver spies the only tree in the desert.......he pulls over and tells the passenger to run out to the tree and take care of business....the passenger opens the door, walks about 15 feet, turns around and tells the driver, "i have no toilet paper..."
the driver tells the passenger that he has no paper either....that he may want to use a dollar.

the passenger thinks a second and goes on his way...

a few minutes later the passenger appears from behind the tree
vigorously waving his hand as he walks up to the car..

when he reaches the car the driver notices that the passenger's
hand is soiled. the driver then asks him "what happened? your hand is dirty!!!!!, i thought i told you to use a dollar?"

the passenger says, "i did! the first three quarters worked, but when i got to the dimes and nickel......."

[AvaJoy]

Originally posted by anna_66

I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota so I think it is! It's Bismarck.

Anna, I laughed out loud at work today when I read this comic! And I know nothing about the Dakotas, except that they are cold! Gotta be a classic Garfield!

[ChrisH]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

[RICHARD]

Rockin' Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said
the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

[RICHARD]

jon gruden, tampa bay coach, stumbles into a bar.

he's very drunk and the other patron's notice him quite quickly.

as he begins to interact with the patrons on either side of the
stool he's sitting on a voice from the back yells, "jon, where are your buccaneers?"

jon stares into space for a moment and yells back, "on the sides of my buckin' head..."

[anna_66]

Good ones Richard!!

[anna_66]

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed
like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to
embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting
school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

[RICHARD]

waiting for an elevator with a doctor one day, at duke university......
we start to exchange pleasantries when the doors to the
elevator open, the doctor, who's closest to the door,
sticks his head between the closing doors....
we enter the cab and the doctor asked me where i'm going.
i tell him the floor number and after a few seconds of silence, ask him why he stuck his head between the closing doors....


"i need my hands to operate......"

[RICHARD]

two women on a jet begin to chat about their travels.
the first woman is absolutely tickled when she finds out
her seat mate is from california....
she begins to compliment her on the state, it's people and the towns.
the second woman asks her where in the state she's been.

"all over- but i LOVED san joe say!!"

the california women chuckles and says, "you mean san jose....
in california we pronounce the letter 'j' as an 'h'....."
she then asks when she visited san jose....

the first women thinks for a moment and says "Hune and Huly of last year......"

[RICHARD]

two rubes go to their first pro sports event........a football game..

when they come back into town the people are curious about their adventure........

the first question is, 'How did you like it?"

the first rube says, 'seems like an awful lot of trouble for 25 cents."

'what do you mean?, ' a second person asks...

"everyone kept yelling, GET THE QUARTER BACK!"

[Kfamr]

Got this is the mail.... Sorry if it was posted

> > FIRST DEGREE
> >
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> > at 2 in the morning.
> > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
> > phone, listened a moment
> > and
> > said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
> > here!" and hung up.
> >
> > The husband said, "Who was that?"
> > The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting
> > to know if the coast
> > Is
> > clear."
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One
> > notices a compact on the
> > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
> > it, looks in the
> > mirror
> > and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> > The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So
> > the first blonde hands
> > her
> > the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
> > and says, "You dummy,
> > it's me!"
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
> > her, so she goes out
> > and
> > buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> > unexpectedly and when she opens
> > the
> > door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
> > Well, the blonde is
> > really
> > angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
> > and as she does so,
> > she
> > is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
> > puts it to her head. The
> > boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
> > The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
> > state capitals. She
> > proudly
> > says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
> > A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
> > Wisconsin?"
> > The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
> > her she was pregnant?
> > "Is it mine?"
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
> > freshman, sat in her US
> > government class. The professor asked Bambi if
> > she knew what Roe vs.
> > Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
> > finally said, "That
> > was
> > the decision George Washington had to make
> > before he crossed the
> > Delaware."
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
> > to find her house
> > ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
> > police at once and
> > reported
> > the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the
> > call on the radio, and
> > a
> > K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to
> > respond. As the K-9
> > officer
> > approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> > the blonde ran out on
> > the
> > porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> > dog, then sat down on
> > the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> > moaned, "I come home to
> > find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> > police for help, and what
> > do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

A farmer orders his workers to clean out the big "toilet-reservoir" . So they start emptying it with buckets.
Suddenly Louis sees that his jackets falls into the mess. He stops working and tries to catch his jacket.
"Hey , Louis , leave it there ! You know you can never wear that jacket again !!!"
"Yep , I know," says Louis , "but my sandwiches for lunch are still in my pocket !!!"

[anna_66]

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing
your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[RICHARD]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all
of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he said to his wife, "now listen, when I die , I want you to take
all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my
money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart
that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box
and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Lady, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money
in there with that man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account and I wrote him a check."

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Golden Phones

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very
large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas,
lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches
the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."