joke thread

[ChrisH]

The 12 Rules of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

And finally... Be really good to everyone. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Positive Side of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Chris. These are too funny.

[Former User]

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

[Former User]

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Senator Bob Dole

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
- Al Gore

[Former User]

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

[Tanya&Fritz]

Casper & Kitty, those were great

[anna_66]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[anna_66]

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde who got an am radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blond say when she saw the sign in front of the "YMCA"?
Look, they spelled "MACY'S" wrong!
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call 5 blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?
"This goes in front."
What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
OH SO BLONDE!

[Tanya&Fritz]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy."

[Former User]

A Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." The boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[gini]

Oh my, let me see if I can remember how this joke goes..........

A lady decides to join the monastary. She is advised that she will not be allowed to speak - but only to silently pray.

After she has been in the monastary for five years the head Monk calls her into his office. He tells her that she can say two words.

She says "hard bed."

He is surprised, but says that he wasn't aware of this and would do something about it.

After ten years in the monstary she is called in again into the head Monk's office and once more she is allowed to speak two words.

She says "cold food."

The head monk again is shocked, but replies that he will look into it.

After fifteen years she is called upon once again and is given her two words.

She says "I quit."

The head Monk looks at her and says "you know, it is just as well, all you have done since you have been here is bitch."

[anna_66]

Those are great Niina & Gini!

[AmberLee]

The Perfect Dress
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

......Now what woman wouldn't like this story?!

[gini]

Pauline, what a great joke!! Now that my niece is happily married with no "dress" mishaps (or step-mother either), I will share this with her.

[anna_66]

A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes a seat
at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him.
"Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender. Then he turns to
his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

"You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like mine very
cold, please."

The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A
talking dog?" he asks.

"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing
special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started
talking."

"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks
to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for
him."

"No," says the ventriloquist. "The little fellow loves me very
much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK,
he's yours."

The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the
ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to the dog and
says with great sadness in his voice, "So long, old friend."

"Old friend, my foot!" the dog says. "Is this the way humans pay
for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"

With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."