joke thread

[Nomilynn]

>Christmas Party Notice
>
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 1
>RE: Christmas Party
>
>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
>carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
>no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty
>_______
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 2
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
>Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
>Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and
>your family. Patty
>________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>DATE: December 3
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
>anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
>since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a
>little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>_________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>To: All Employees
>DATE: December 7
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
>not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
>for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.
>Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
>cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty
>________
>FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>TO: All #%&$ing Employees
>DATE: December 10
>RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
>
>Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
>#$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
>rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!! The B**ch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>________
>FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 14
>RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

OMG!!
*LOL* Nomilynn

[anna_66]

Originally posted by popcornbird
This is the last thread I would ever delete, so there's no hope in having it disappear.

Good to hear I for one love it!

And Nomilyn, that was sooo funny

[anna_66]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[anna_66]

I thought this was appropriate since many of us are afraid of spiders

[Pam]

Anna - great jokes. I love the one about Farmer Joe especially! LOL!

[delidog]

We Love This Thread!!!!!!!!
It is my stress relief after work!!!!
Keep it going!!!!!

Nomilyn, i love that one!!!!
I sent it to my Human resource director yesterday,as it was sent to me by a friend!!!!

[anna_66]

I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real
blast. After I'd been there a few hours(and several, several
drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.
She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde
hair down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway
she was built. The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and
smiling. Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like
they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I went over and stuck
up a conversation with her(don't remember about what, but it had
to be very interesting). Well one thing led to another and she
invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said
OK. I'm not going to go into all the details of the night(mainly
because I don't remember), but I awoke the next morning to the
aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is
great, I think I might have a keeper here. I got up and got
dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom
(looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove.
Embarrassed, I stammered where's your daughter? She slowly turned
around with a sly little smile on her face and said, I don't have
a daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[anna_66]

A little girl was reading a book with her grandfather, and every once in while she would touch her grandfather's wrinkly face and then touch her own. One time she ask him,” Grandpa, did God make you?" The old man replied,” Yes, he made me a long time ago.” The little girl questioned him again,” Grandpa, did God make me?" The old man again replied,” Yes, he did, not too long ago." The little girl then said,” God’s getting better at it isn't he?"

[gini]

Anna, you keep these comin' girl! They are the best!

[ChrisH]

Good ones Anna! Especially the Garfield one And the last one was such a sweet smiley one. Thanks.

Got one myself now. It justs reminds me of what I have been doing this afternoon/evening helping to put together a Captain Hook pirate ship for my grandaughter.

A Parents Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[anna_66]

Isn't this just the cutest?

[ChrisH]

Awww...that IS cute, and funny too!

[anna_66]

GARFIELD'S 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

[AvaJoy]

LOVE the shopping kitty!! AND the parents' Xmas Eve poem, too!!

This one trips everyone up, but you have to do to someone in person: show them something white and ask "What color is this?" to which they will reply "white". Then ask them "What do cows drink?" and they will invariably reply "Milk!" which of course is wrong; cows drink water!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.