joke thread

[ellensy]

hehe

[anna_66]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just thought this was so cute! I know a while back we were talking about this.

[ellensy]

LOL

i agree w/ the teenage stuff......

[AmberLee]

SIGNS ON CHURCH MARQUEES:

1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1 ."
2. "Under same management for over 2000 years."
3. "Soul food served here."
4. "Tithe, if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
5. "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
6. "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
8. "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks."
9. "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
10. "Come early for a good Back-seat."
11. "Life has many choices; Eternity has two. What's yours?"
12. "Worry is - interest paid on trouble before it is due."
13. "A man's character is like a fence.
It cannot be strengthened by whitewash."
14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
15. "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
16. "Delay is preferable to error."
17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
20. "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
21. "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
24. "May is God's apology for February."
25. "To belittle is to be little."
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in
you."
27. "God answers knee mail."
28. "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you
back."

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[ChrisH]

ROFL
Oh, Anna, those are so good! Thanks for brightening up my Saturday!

[anna_66]

Your welcome Chris!

[ellensy]

heeheehee

[anna_66]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceeding the exam and doing the following
practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask friend to slowly back the car up until
your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and
repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a total stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared! And just another thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with "MEN"?
And when we have REAL problems, it's a HISterectomy!

P.S.
Don't forget to make that annual appointment with your "GUY"necologist!

[anna_66]

Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and
the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull
up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater a and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or
perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...A whole new definition of being "pissed off"!!!

[ellensy]

[AvaJoy]

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and then welcome him. After a few holes the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living, so they ask him. The stranger replies that he is a hitman. They all laugh, but the guy insists that this is his occupation, and mentions that a gun is in his golf bag. He says that he carries it everywhere, and that they are welcome to take a look if they wish. Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and sure enough there is a rifle with a huge scope. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through this scope! May I look??" The hitman gives him the O.K. so Jack looks and says, "Yeah! I CAN see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom! There's my wife . . . but wait . . . what the heck is my next door neighbor doing with her in our bedroom!? . . . AND he's . . . NAKED!!! This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies that his fee is $1,000.00 every time he pulls the trigger. Jack decides that he will buy two hits. "I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the groin, just for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for??"

The hitman replies, "Relax . . . I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

[anna_66]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

[ChrisH]

LOL good one Anna!