joke thread

[ellensy]

LOL, that's a great one ChrisH!

[Edwina's Secretary]

From Wisconsin, the State that is nationally recognized as having the
highest percentage of binge drinkers in the nation comes a this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of
the car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "You see tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Wanna be a bear?

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.

[ellensy]

hehe LOL Gosh, i love this thread!

[gini]

These are all so good........keep 'em coming!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* that is *so* funny, ChrisH. I think I wanna be a bear, too!

[AmberLee]

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

- -

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

- -

Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

- -

Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

- -

Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

- -

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

- -

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

- -

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- -

Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?

[Cookiebaker]

*lol* Amberlee, those are soo funny! I love lawyer jokes!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[ChrisH]

So funny!

[ellensy]

LOL

[Former User]

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

[Former User]

Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted criminal.
"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to catch that bad man."

Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?

[Former User]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only
4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die...."

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."

She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United
States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American
history, so America's people won't let me die."

So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's
cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."