joke thread

[Nomilynn]

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for
a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a
bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and
ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me
ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a
hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."

The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them
boys cut me hand off with a cutlass. Me doc couldn't find
a hand, so he gave me this hook."

Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just
as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business
right in me eye."

The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that
cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "It was me first day with the hook..."

[Nomilynn]

The Wolf Man comes home one day after a long day at the
office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he barks.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna
eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home
from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food
down my throat?"

After this he continues to yell and shout and making a huge
fuss. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon, and
says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

[Nomilynn]

I changed one part of this joke to make it more appropriate.. but it's still funny



A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he
went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much
as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for
his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had. He said, "Oh,the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly

wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "actually I gave my costume to your boss,
apparently he had a whale of a time"

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

OH MY GOSH
I did not even see where that joke was going .... good one nomilynn!!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been invited to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some bluegill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tacklebox."

[delidog]

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

------------------------

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

----------------------

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm
..five?"

---------------

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

-------------


Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.


--------------

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How
'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

---------------

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

-----------------

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

[delidog]

Please Let Me Win
-----------------

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.,,, Buy a ticket

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Brain

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the
entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[Edwina's Secretary]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway....
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same
again....
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always
beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[anna_66]

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horror-scope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is a vampires favorite sport?
Casket-ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women see right through them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
Their a bunch of no bodies
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

[ChrisH]

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!

[anna_66]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[ellensy]

LOL

[AvaJoy]

This guy calls up his lawyer because he wants to get a divorce. The lawyer asks him why, and the man replies that it is because his wife told him he was no good in bed. The lawyer advises him that this is not grounds for divorce, but the man persists. The lawyer stands firm, trying to explain that being labeled a lousy lover is not going to hold up in court. Sure it will, protests the guy . . . afterall, how did she finally figure it out???!!!!