joke thread

[anna_66]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[Cookiebaker]

That joke is so funny, Anna!!

[ellensy]

LOL LOL

[Former User]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[Cookiebaker]

my favorite blondies joke:

How do you drown a blonde??
Paste a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!

[gini]

And beautiful black Casper says in his photo..........

WHAT IS THIS THING????

[Former User]

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

[Former User]

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Q-What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
> on
> the ground?
> A- Shoot him again.
>
>
> Q-Why do little boys whine?
> A-They're practicing to be men.
>
>
> Q-How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> A- One-he just holds it up there and wait for the world to revolve around
> him.
> Or Alternate answer-Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
> to
> him brag about the screwing part.
>
>
> Q What do you call a handcuffed man?
> A- Trustworthy.
>
>
> Q- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
> calling your name?
> A- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
>
>
> Q- Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> A- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
>
>
> Q- What's the best way to kill a man?
> A- Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose
> just one.
>
>> Q- Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
> A- Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>
>
> > Q- How does a man keep his youth?
> A- By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.
>
>
> Q- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A- Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

[ellensy]

too funny hehe

[anna_66]

Too funny guys! You had me cracking up!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone Here are a few good blonde jokes.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
"Sagittarius."


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
In Front"

[anna_66]

Those were great blonde jokes!

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."